Cause Celeb (50 page)

As we left Saleh I turned round to see that the search had begun all over again, starting once more with the briefcase.

We stopped back at the UN office to try to phone Malcolm in El Daman, but the line which had worked so efficiently for Kurt with his mindless babble was now as dead as a post. I drafted a letter instead, which André promised to have delivered to Malcolm in the next El Daman pouch.

I left the UN compound and drove through the wide, straight streets of Sidra, past low sandstone buildings, and headed out beyond the tarmac towards the weird, red Sidra mountains. They rose up sheer from the desert like giant molehills, worn into their smooth sculpted shapes by the wind and the sand. As the truck bounced over the stones and dents of the track which led to Safila, I was filled with foreboding. After the last time, there was so much talk: a famine would never be allowed to happen again, everyone said. And now all the warning signs were there, and no one seemed able to do anything about it.

It was four o'clock when I got back from Sidra, and the compound was deserted. I backed up the truck and drove straight down to the hospital. It was the scene as I remembered it from five years
ago: every bed full, the smell of diarrhea, the sound of crying. The whole ex-pat team was there, bar Henry, and five of the Keftian health workers. O'Rourke was bent over a child, feeling below its rib cage.

Betty was upon me in a moment. “I'm afraid you picked an awfully bad moment to go away. We've had seventy more since you left, four more deaths. And we've got cholera. Did you have a good time?”

So that was a hundred and eighty arrivals. Nine deaths. And cholera. Jesus.

“It's been dreadful, absolutely dreadful,” Betty continued. “Remember what I was saying yesterday morning? Heaven knows how many more are on their way.” She got out a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.

O'Rourke saw me, started to get up, saw Betty and sat down again.

“Have you opened the cholera hospital?”

“Yes, of course. They're in there with Linda.”

“And are all the arrivals in here? Have you isolated the others?”

“No, no. Dr. O'Rourke has tested them, and we let the ones who are clear go to their village. It didn't seem fair. He's awfully good, you know.”

“Are they from the same area as the others?”

“Yes, no. Well, I'm not sure, actually.”

I went round the hospital. Sian was measuring a baby, pushing the thin little legs out flat on the ruler, working out the weight-for-height ratio. She pinched the skin on the little thigh. It stayed for a moment where she had raised it, like peaks of meringue left by a whisk. I went and stood behind O'Rourke. He was absorbed, trying to find a vein in the scalp of the child to get the drip in.

“Hi, Rosie,” he said, without looking up.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Damn.” He leaned back and wiped his forehead, then started again. He did it at last.

“OK, let's talk.”

He guided me a little distance away. “You've spoken to Betty?”

“Yes.”

“It's pretty bad, but contained.”

“Are they still coming because of locusts?”

“Yes, but they're all from the same area. It could just be a pocket, touch wood.”

“What about the cholera? Don't you think we should be isolating the lot?”

“They've been tested and they're clear. I don't think we should fill up the isolation unit with people who don't need to be there—”

“I just think we've got to be very careful, you know how these things can happen. Have you started immunizing for measles?”

“We were going to,” Betty chipped in, joining us, “but Dr. O'Rourke said—”

I glared at him. He was being a bit too bossy, considering he'd just arrived. “We have immunized,” I said, “every single refugee against polio, measles, diphtheria, pertussis, tetanus, TB. The last thing we want is an epidemic. We should do all the new arrivals today.”

“Dr. O'Rourke said the health workers should do it,” Betty concluded breathlessly. “It's done.”

*

Henry had opened up the feeding center again. The mothers were sitting in lines on mats, feeding the children out of orange plastic cups. These were the worst cases. The three gigantic metal cooking pots were out again, and Henry and Muhammad were talking to the cooks.

I put my hand on Henry's elbow. “How is it going?”

“Ah, Rosie, old stick. Fine, fine. Forward to the breach, all hands to the pump, etcetera, etcetera,” but he wouldn't look at me. He was very pale, with bags under his eyes. Muhammad was standing behind him. There were beads of sweat on the brown skin of his temples. We all knew how easy it was for things to slide out of control, for disease to start wiping people out like flies.

“Have the health workers told the new arrivals about defecation zones? Are they keeping them away from the river?”

“All been done, old girl.”

“We must talk to RESOK, Rosie,” said Muhammad. “The serpent of fear is slithering amongst them.”

I shot him a look.

“I'm sorry. I mean, they are a little nervous.”

I wanted to check the pharmacy to see how we were doing but it was locked, so I walked back to find Henry and asked him to deal with it and then I went to Muhammad's shelter and sat waiting for the RESOK people to arrive. It would be a tricky meeting. RESOK were the Keftians' relief organization, and not supposed to be political, but they were very tough, and keen on their rights. My back was aching from the journey. I could feel sweat trickling down it. The only thing which was good was that the system in the camp seemed to be working well. Everything was organized and under control.

Muhammad came back with O'Rourke.

“He wanted to be at your side for this,” Muhammad said to me with a sly look. O'Rourke looked uncomfortable.

The meeting was a heavy, long-drawn-out affair, with coffee first, then slow conversation, interpreted on either side by Muhammad. O'Rourke was not saying anything. He was sitting opposite me behind a table, giving me a look or a nod from time to time.

I decided to give it to them straight, and told them the situation just as André had told it to me. This created some uproar.

“The feeling is that if certain areas have food for six weeks and no new arrivals then some of that food should be here now,” said Muhammad. “They are asking why you have not brought it with you.”

I tried to explain, but they all started shouting again. I couldn't blame them. I tried to imagine what would happen if the food ran out: all these bolshie young guys changing into starving stick people. Muhammad starving. I couldn't allow that to happen—but how could you single out one life as more important than another?

There was another outbreak of shouting, most of it directed at me.

Suddenly O'Rourke banged his fist on the table and stood up.

“Jesus Christ,” he yelled. “Don't give the woman a hard time. She's doing everything she can. You've seen the way it's worked today—like clockwork. That's down to her. Yes, you're right, it is ridiculous that we haven't got a food convoy arriving this afternoon but it's not her fault. Where is your sense of decorum?”

There was a stunned silence. O'Rourke coughed, looked down and gave a wry look and a wave of his hand at Muhammad. “Do translate.”

Muhammad translated. There was silence.

“Carry on, Rosie,” O'Rourke said.

I was rattled. The ex-pat women tended to be treated as honorary men by the refugees, but still it was sometimes a struggle to maintain authority, and O'Rourke's playing the knight in shining armor was the opposite of helpful. I carried on anyway. I told them, with more confidence than I felt, that if the arrivals stayed steady we'd be all right till the ship came. Muhammad stood up and made a speech. There was much murmuring and nodding amongst the RESOK officials. Then the meeting was declared over and they filed out, shaking my hand politely, and clapping O'Rourke respectfully on the back.

When they had gone I turned to him. “Thanks,” I said, “but I don't need you to fight my battles for me.”

“Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry. I'm such a clod. I just thought you had a lot on your plate. I was trying to help.”

“Stick to your own job, buster,” I said, then smiled, and he smiled too. It was fine, really.

*

Just after the sun had set I had to drive back up to the compound. The whole of the sandy basin was radiating a peach glow which seemed to come from the earth itself rather than the sky. The wind had dropped, the smell was of earth and smoke. Figures were moving about contentedly, goats being herded, a man trotting along on a donkey—too big for the donkey, feet almost trailing on the ground. A camel was making its jerky way across the plain, the long neck and jutting chin moving in and out. Shouts came over from
the camp, kids playing, laughter, goats. I remembered how it used to sound, and how it used to be. I thought back over the last four years, the feeding, the building, the training, the immunizing, all the work which had gone into making this happy valley. And above, against the reddening sky, a heavy mass of cloud was funneling towards a point, like an omen.

It had been at the same time of day that I had first looked out over Safila, back in November 1985. I was on a hurried mercy dash with Sir William's books. I was like a tourist, taken from airport to air-conditioned hotel, and then being given a tour and shown the sights. There were no huts then. The refugees lived in tents, which had been wrapped in white plastic during the rains so that sand hung in the folds and the effect was very soft. I remember thinking, from a distance, how beautiful it was. I remember simply being happy to be in Africa and away from home.

CHAPTER
Nine

I
'
ve fallen in love with you but I'm not
in
love with you.” “But you said you loved me.”

“I adore you.”

“That's not the same thing.”

“You could say it is a love affair.”

“So you've
fallen
in love with me but you're not
in
love with me, so while you were falling you sort of swerved off and landed in something else.”

“Rosie, if you're going to start being stupid . . .”

It was a mad, familiar dance, where Oliver would duck and dive and twirl, hold his fluctuating feelings above my head, drop them near my hand and whisk them out of reach. What was I doing? Trying to pass or fail? As if the way he felt had anything to do with what I was worth. As if love was something you earned like a merit star, and if I followed every single instruction in every single magazine that month, took in only raw vegetables and hot steam, cleared all cellulite, dressed in Nicole Farhi, made my own pasta, studied advanced sexual gymnastics, never crowded him, always supported him yet was a self-sufficient person in my own right, excelled in my career without being intimidating, dyed my eyelashes, read all existing books on Cubist painters, and dressed up in naughty bus conductress's outfits, Oliver might decide he was
in
love with me rather than just having fallen for me, even if he didn't
exactly altogether love me just yet. Of course love doesn't work like that, otherwise nobody but girls in adverts for small hatchback cars would have boyfriends.

We had started a row about where our relationship was going, just after the moment when we should have left for a Famous Club lunch at Julian Alman's. This was one of our favorite ways of making ourselves unhappy. It was always me who started these conversations—mainly because Oliver's behavior made me so insecure. If you ask where a relationship is going too often the question has a habit of turning into where the relationship went. Unfortunately, however, God has given women an inbuilt irresistible urge to insist on knowing where their relationships are going, and to force their partners to discuss the matter at length whenever they are late for something.

Having reached an inconclusive impasse on the love front, Oliver and I moved on to clothes, and in particular my outfit for today. Oliver did not like my clothes. He never said so in so many words, but it was clear. Oliver had excellent taste and lots of money. I had always been unsure about what I was wearing on every occasion but had never seriously bothered about it before. I just lived with it, the way you live with always thinking you are overweight. But now the clothes issue nattered away at me, giving a spoiling tinge to every meeting with Oliver. He had helped out by buying me a little black Alaïa dress, in order that I should look more exactly like all the other women at the functions we attended. Although this was a casual Sunday lunch I ended up squeezing myself into the Alaïa corset-style garment, just for the sake of confidence.

“Do you think I look fat?” I said.

He sighed. “No.”

I climbed up onto a chair and inspected an imaginary roll of fat in the dressing table mirror.

“YOU ARE NOT FAT,” he shouted through clenched teeth, as I twisted round to try to look at my bottom.