Chance of the Heart (21 page)

“Sorry I kept you out so late bud. I didn’t see no rain in the forecast so this old clunker should be fine out for now. I’ll come after dinner and get it with a trailer,” Chance said. “I’m gonna be late for dinner as it is with having to wash up.” David gave a thumbs up as he pulled a phone out to look at the time.

“Jeri’s with the kids at her sister’s house for dinner tonight so I’m good if you want me to come do it.”

“Nah, just head on home. Enjoy the silence. Have a beer. You earned it.”

“Will do,” David said, patting Chance on the shoulder. “Good luck tonight.

Chance huffed a laugh. “I’ll probably need it.”

David got on the ATV he’d ridden out on and Chance got into his pickup, both heading toward the house. Sure enough, when they got there Caitlin’s fancy white Acura was in the drive beside her folks’ Chevy SUV. He parked in the garage and ran up to his apartment, washing off best as he could in ten minutes. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone, so no point in pulling out all the stops. He’d just pulled on a polo, jeans, and a pair of boots when a knock sounded on his door.

He ran his fingers through his wet hair, deciding not to wear a hat on it before opening the door. Caitlin stood on the landing, uncertain and fidgeting.

“I’m so sorry Chance. We need to talk.”

“Yes we do. I didn’t think your folks would be part of it, though.” The way her face scrunched up he knew he hadn’t kept the annoyance out of his tone. “What’s going on?”

“I didn’t know they’d say something to your parents. Apparently you and I aren’t allowed to speak for ourselves.”

“Have we ever?” he asked, not just a little bitter.

She sighed and followed him inside, plopping down on the couch. “Probably not.” He offered her a beer which she declined. He didn’t. He pulled one from the fridge and had a good few draws before sitting in the recliner facing her.

“I got a job in Watkins.”

A genuine smile stretched his face. “Congratulations darlin’. That’s fantastic.” He wondered if he’d said something wrong because she suddenly looked so forlorn.

“It’s bittersweet,” she said.

“Oh.” What could he say to that? It wasn’t bittersweet for him, but he did understand. For her there’d still been hope, but like an asshole he’d been out of the relationship before it even began.

“Caity, I’ll always feel like a grade-A dickweed for the way shit turned out. But know,I wasn’t trying to string you along. I just…”

“I know, I know. I get it. I told you before. I don’t like it, I don’t want to be best friends right now, but I get it. We have too much history and you’re a good man. I can’t… It just killed me seeing you with him the other night.”

“That brings me to my point. This whole charade has got to stop. We got to tell ‘em we split. Okay? You got your job. This has to be over. They’ll have us married off by the time dinner’s over otherwise.”

“I know. Damn. It’s just miserable. This whole thing makes me miserable.”

“With some time and space it won’t. Which is another reason this pretending is done. We gotta be able to get that time and space, and we never will as long as we keep faking being a couple.” He didn’t know where this sage Chance was coming from. “And not to be insensitive to what you’re going through, but that was my first date with Bradley you crashed in on. I know it was uncomfortable and probably hurt you, but think about it from Bradley’s point of view. And we’ve been doing it to him for over a month now.”

She winced. “Yeah, I hadn’t really…”

“Exactly! I know you’re hurting and I truly don’t discount that, but we’re hurting other people with this lying and secrecy. I've never been one for that shit, and you know it.”

She nodded. “You’re right.” She looked at him carefully. “You’re so different. You seem more… sure of yourself. “

Chance blushed from his neck to the tip of his ears. All he responded with was an uncomfortable grunt and took another draw from his beer.

“I’m glad to see it, honestly. You’re your own man. It’s… a beautiful thing. I just hate…” Her chin wobbled, voice shook. 

He stood and went to give her a fierce hug. “You were my best friend for years. We shouldn’t have ever got together like that, but don’t regret it. It made us who we are. You pushed me to find who I am and now I know.”

“No,” she said, pulling away. “You found yourself. I gave you an opening, Bradley showed you a path, but you walked down it all on your own.”

Her words warmed something inside him. He hated knowing that even their friendship was probably coming to an end now. This felt a lot like a goodbye. But sometimes people grew up. He definitely felt he had.

“Well let’s go break our parents’ hearts,” he said.

“We won’t be the first ones in the county, but they’ll sure act like we are,” she said, with a grin. “Since Watkins is only a half-hour from here, they’re probably pulling out the blueprints to that damn house as we speak.”

He chuckled at that and finished his beer, then blanched when he realized she was probably right. And they went to get off the beaten path: for good.

Bradley hadn’t been able to get Chance on the phone so he drove out to Red River. It wasn’t unusual for him to stop by so far as Chance’s parents were concerned, so he didn’t think it’d be a problem. The situation was rather pressing and he’d had a shit day. He wanted to see Chance.

He just hadn’t expected to find Chance on one of this pretend dates where he and Caitlin played happy couple for their parents. They’d all been sitting down to dinner. Bradley hadn’t meant to be nosey but the dining room window was easy to see through with the curtains open wide. Chance and Caitlin were smiling, talking to their parents about something serious at first. That’s when Chance’s dad had pulled out the damn tube he’d seen at the party. Those fucking blueprints to that fucking house.

Bradley had snapped. He didn’t know what to do at first. He’d started pacing, realizing he was acting fucking insane. But what was he supposed to do? Could Chance weasel his way out of this a second time? Would he even try?

Bradley flashed back to being dumped by that dickhead Rodney in college and honestly realized he just couldn’t take this. He was irrational and jealous and completely unlike himself in this relationship. All because he’d fallen hard and stupidly for a straight boy.

He also knew this could only end one way. He’d quit on his dad. He had to take a job and he realized now that there was no way he could hang around getting driven crazy because he was Chance’s dirty little secret for another six months or a year or hell, maybe even ten. He’d flown out of the closet so long ago he’d forgotten what it was like to be in one at all and it was officially costing him his sanity.

It was the day of facing truths and now it was Chance’s turn. He wasn’t going to do this over the damn phone, though. So he went up to Chance’s apartment, letting himself in like he had a million times now, but feeling like he had no right with Chance and his little wifey entertaining the parents just a thousand yards away.

He flicked on a light in the kitchen area and grabbed one of his IPAs out of the refrigerator. After pulling up a barstool to the kitchen island and sitting, he considered his options for a moment. He couldn’t force Chance to come out, it’d only make him resent Bradley. Chance had to come out for Chance. But Bradley couldn’t stay here and lose good jobs, and driving himself insane waiting for it to happen. He supposed he could live with a long distance relationship, though it would suck.

He downed the beer and dropped it in the trashcan beside the island. He barely felt the effects of the beer but he was too distracted anyway, so he didn’t feel the need to get another. It’d just be a waste of good booze.

“Bradley?”

He turned so quickly he almost fell of the stool. Chance was standing at the door. He looked damn good in another of those muscle hugging polo shirts he wore so well. His easy, welcoming smile was a happy sight as well. But as soon as he saw whatever expression was on Bradley’s face, he walked further inside the loft. Bradley held his hand up though. He’d lose his nerve if the man touched him.

“What’s wrong Bradley?”

“This!” Bradley gestured between the two of them.

Chance’s eyes widened. “What do you mean? I saw the light on up here. You look like you’re freaking out. I noticed your calls when I was walking over here, but you didn’t leave any voice mails. Are you alright?” Chance’s beautiful face was full of concern and it made Bradley just want to hug the man, to forget the things that were driving him mad.

“Chance, I quit my job today.” He laughed almost hysterically. “I stood up to my old man for the first time in my life and I quit. And I’m completely in limbo.” Chance’s eyes bulged. “I wanted to talk to you before I made any decisions. But you didn’t answer, so like a presumptuous asshole, I come over here and you’re having another bullshit fake date.”

“Bradley…” Chance had moved toward him, into the kitchen, so Bradley paced the room until the couch was between them.

“And I realize I can’t. I’ve been doing this for months, trying to be a good sport. I don’t mean for you to choose me or come out. I just can’t do this.” Chance stepped toward him but he shoved on, “I saw them making plans for you and thinking you’re straight and she’s getting to share your family with you.

“Even if it’s not real, I’ve been out so long that I forgot what it was like not to share even the smallest moments. I wanted to sit there with you. I want to be there when you tell them about the restaurant you’re opening and I should be able to, not her. Because it’s
me
in your bed every night. Never her. And I feel so selfish. But I
needed
you today and I found you…” He trailed off because he’d been ranting so much yet Chance was no longer making eye contact with him, but looking over his shoulder, lips in a hard line.

Bradley turned to see Chance’s mother in the door, a shell shocked expression on her face as she gawped at them. Chance didn’t go after her when her face finally turned a bright puce and she turned to leave.

“Ms. Becket—”

“Don’t,” Chance said, voice icy. Bradley felt the tone like a punch to the gut. He turned back to Chance only to find that same distant stare he’d not seen since the first night they met. Chance was somewhere inside himself, eying Bradley warily.

“Shit Chance, I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t hear…”

Chance held up a hand. “I know. I’ve told her a million times not to just barge in here.”

“Chance…”

“No. I think you should go. Okay? I’m sorry I caused you so much hurt.”

“But—”

“If you’d just listened,” Chance roared. Bradley flinched back. He’d never, ever heard quiet Chance Becket yell at anyone and he was utterly ruined that he was on the receiving end.

Chance took in a shaky breath and spoke more quietly, but just as angrily. “If you’d talked to me, instead of losing your ever loving mind, you’d know I just told my parents me and Caitlin broke up. That part was done. I know this ain’t your fault, but I still have to think about all you just said and now I gotta smooth it over with my mom.”

Chance paused, looking around his loft. “I’m mad at the situation, too. This has sucked and so many people are hurt. I know you got hurt watching all this. But I realized I was gay five minutes ago. I couldn’t have time to process before you put some time on when I had to…”

Another shaking breath before Chance continued, “I’m trying to be understanding. I get it. Or maybe I don’t. You’ve had more than just a little problem with my being closeted since day one. I wanted more and you said ‘one-day-at-a-time’. You’ve had zero faith in me since the first day and I don’t know how to cope with that and my parents tonight, okay? So please… just go.”

Bradley hadn’t heard Chance speak so much in all the time he’d known him. And every word he said made sense. Bradley had been hurt, but he’d hurt Chance too. And tonight his big mouth started a shit storm.

“Chance.” He snapped his mouth shut at the shaking in his voice. That got Chance to look at him, and he hadn’t even intended it to, was embarrassed. Chance looked at him sadly, not with anger any more.

“We’ll talk, okay? Just. Tonight I gotta be alone.”

Bradley nodded and headed for the door, feeling like a shithead. He had made a huge mess of this, all because he’d had a shitty day and felt insecure. He felt justified in some of his anger, but Chance had been right when he’d said he should have talked rather than just barreled over Chance’s efforts to explain what he had seen through the window.

Before he walked out the open front door he turned back to Chance who stood leaning against the back of the couch, the top of it gripped in his hands like he might fall over. He looked so tired. Again Bradley wanted to just hug the man. “I’m sorry,” Bradley said. Chance looked him in the eye, gave a grim smile and a nod.

Biting his tongue, Bradley went out into the hot July night and tried to ignore the group on the front porch who’d stopped to stare as he got in his Jeep and drove away.

Chance stared at the door Bradley had just vacated for a long, long while before he shut the door and turned out the lights. He saw Caitlin and her parents had gone. None of them having taken the news of the breakup very well, but grudgingly accepting that their children were adults.

Chance had stripped and passed out on the couch. He couldn’t bear sleeping in the sheets that smelled of Bradley now, when he was so upset with the man. He’d understood what Bradley was saying. He had. He felt horrible but he couldn’t make everybody happy right now. He had to figure out how to live with all of this, and unfortunately he’d been dropped in the deep end, which was no one’s fault but his own.

He woke before the sun then next morning. He tried to get back to sleep but his brain was too bogged down. Before he knew it, it was almost time for the alarm to go off; so he showered, dressed, and went to feed the horses. Work would be a good distraction from his thoughts.

He spent half the morning feeding and mucking stalls, then went out to haul the ATV in. When David got there around seven a.m. he didn’t ask what was wrong, knew Chance well enough to know he needed space.

They worked in companionable silence for a long while before Chance heard the shuffling of his father’s limping gait approaching them. He closed his eyes and sighed, knowing he was about to face the music. He’d always hated having a “talking to” with his father.

“David, could you give us a minute?” That was Chance’s mother’s voice.
Great, a joint attack.

David looked to Bradley, who nodded. “Get a start on cleaning the troughs in the breeding paddock. Salt licks probably need tending to, as well.”

“Sure thing, boss.” With a nod and a smile for solidarity, David left, murmuring good mornings to Chance’s folks. Chance stood, wiping the oil from his hands as he turned to face his folks.

“Can we go into the office?” his father asked, face giving away no emotion. Chance had been in the office to a conversation many-a-time. Usually it was to be scolded. His father was a hard man before his stroke. Chance loved him, but he was one of those parents who preferred his children fear him rather than just respect him. He’d softened some with age, especially after his illness and the breakdown of his relationship with Chance’s brother, but he hadn’t lost his heavy hand. And he looked ready to crack down.

Chance realized though, in the strange clarity he’d had lately, that he didn’t really care. This would hurt if it went badly, but he couldn’t be scared any more. He was a grown man. He didn’t want to lose his family but it’s not like he’d go broke or homeless.