I put my hands to my mouth. I couldn’t speak. A sob caught in my throat. I shook my head. “No, no…” The sob escaped.
Tom gathered me in his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he said. He stroked my hair. I don’t know how long I stayed in his embrace, trying to take in what he’d said.
Eventually I said, “Poor Heather.”
“Yes, poor Heather. She was terrified. HIV and AIDS were new and very frightening. Even the medics were panicking. She’d been offered the test as part of her post-addiction care plan – as she was a former intravenous user. She’d agreed to it without any real understanding of what it could mean. And a positive diagnosis – well - it felt like a death sentence back then. It was a death sentence. In 1988 there was little anyone could do. She was desperate and she was afraid for Robbie. He was tested – not all babies born to HIV mothers were positive –and he was one of the lucky ones. But she was scared she could still infect him - or that he might still develop it. As I said, nobody knew anything much about it then.”
“It’s awful, Tom – unimaginable – how she must have felt – I’m so glad you were there for her, that you offered her support.”
Tom shook his head. “I couldn’t – didn’t offer enough support. Oh, I tried. I found out what I could about the disease. But there was little to be found by way of reassurance. And then there was the stigma. She was so ashamed – it was portrayed as something very shameful. She didn’t want you to know. She made me promise not to tell you. If I’d told you, she’d have had nothing more to do with me. She’d have been completely alone – so I agreed not to tell about the HIV or the baby.” Tom got up from the sofa. He went over to the fire, poked at the embers,
replaced
the guard.
I watched him, could see what the telling of all this was costing him. “Do you want to stop, Tom? Tell me the rest in the morning.”
“No, no I need to tell you it all, now, tonight.” He came back and sat beside me. “Anyway, I kept a close eye on her, dropped in on her as often as I could. I kept her up to date with every little development in treatment, went with her to doctor’s appointments. I thought she was coping reasonably well, Rosie – honestly I did.”
Tom looked scared. I knew he needed to see that I believed him. I nodded and squeezed his hand.
He sighed deeply before continuing. “The last time I saw her, she asked me to promise to see to it that Robbie was taken care of when she died. She didn’t expect me to do the caring, but to arrange for good people to bring him up. I promised, but told her I didn’t think I’d need to carry it out any time soon. But that’s where I was wrong. I never suspected what she was planning. I swear I didn’t. Anyway, a few days later…”
He got to his feet again, began pacing. “Christ, it was awful. I got a call from her. It was the evening. I was at home. She was crying. I tried to reassure her, but she said she’d phoned to say goodbye and to ask me to come and get Robbie. She said she’d fed and changed him and that he’d probably stay sleeping until I got there. I knew then. I knew it was too late – too fucking late.” His voice cracked and he rubbed roughly at his eyes.
I let out a sob and put my face in my hands. He was over beside me instantly, holding me tight and rocking me in his arms.
When I could speak I said, “But you went to her?”
“Yes, I went. I decided to call Michael, get him to go with me. I told him the whole story as we drove to Heather’s flat. Luckily I had keys, but, by the time we let ourselves in, she was gone – lying on the bed – dead. Christ, Rosie – I’m so glad it wasn’t you who found…” It was Tom’s turn to sob.
We held each other for a long time before Tom could go on.
“It was a drug overdose – heroin - she knew exactly how much to take to ensure there was no way back. She’d known it was only a matter of time before she caught a cold, or some other trivial bug, and that she’d be unable to fight it, be overwhelmed by it. She knew enough to know it was a horrible way to die. There was no note. I think she knew I’d understand. She preferred that people thought heroin rather than AIDS was the cause of her death. I can’t say I blamed her.” Tom paused again.
I nodded, trying to take in what he was telling me. I couldn’t speak.
Tom went on. He told me how social work had placed Robbie with the Sutherlands that night, as emergency foster carers, and how he and Michael agreed not to tell me the full story. He also explained how their shared secret ended their friendship. When he was finished he leant back and closed his eyes. He looked shattered.
I was dismayed by all Tom had told me. Not for myself so much as for him and for my sister. What a burden he’d taken on and continued to carry. He’d made a promise and he’d kept it. He’d been a true friend to Heather when she needed him. No wonder he’d been devastated when Robbie turned up.
And Heather, she’d turned her life around and been happy for a while, at least. As for her death, it wasn’t a pointless and futile act. It wasn’t just another junkie overdose. It had been a positive and loving act – as she saw it - sparing herself and those she loved further pain. I didn’t think she was right to have killed herself, but at last I could understand why. As I sat, thinking, I became aware that Tom was staring at me, waiting for a reaction. I turned to him. He looked terribly sad and terribly scared.
“I’m sorry, Rosie – so sorry. Can you forgive me? I understand if
this changes things
, but I’m so sorry.”
“No, Tom,” I put my fingers to his lips, “Stop it. It’s me who should be sorry. I misjudged you, mistrusted you. You did an amazing thing and I love you even more because of it. You were right - I couldn’t have looked after Robbie and I couldn’t have coped with the truth at the time. Robbie’s had a wonderful upbringing and now he’s found us. Maybe you should have told me sooner – but you didn’t. You acted in good faith, Tom – I know that now and that’s what matters. There’s nothing for me to forgive. And you need to forgive yourself.”
“But I took you for granted, Rosie, let you get exhausted and ill. Oh, I didn’t mean to drive Adam or you away. I was scared for you both. I thought you needed protecting. I thought that Adam’s future happiness depended on exam results. I was wrong.”
“Yes, okay, you got some things wrong – who doesn’t? But you can’t take the blame for me getting ill. Besides, Adam and I owe you. You pushed him into growing up – taking responsibility. And I love you all the more for letting me go – and for waiting for me to come back.”
He didn’t speak for a few moments. I could see he was having difficulty. He let out a long breath and then said, “I thought I’d turned into him, you know. I’ve always tried to be different from him. But in the end I was just as bad.”
“As who – who do you mean - your father?”
“Yes, ironic or what?”
“No, Tom, whatever you’ve done, you’ve done out of kindness – out of love and wanting the best for me and the kids. I don’t doubt that – I never have – not really - not deep down. You’ve been great these last few months. You’ve given me the space I asked for. You’ve kept everything and everyone going at home. I mean it, there’s nothing to forgive.”
At that Tom put his head in his hands and let out another long sigh. His whole body shuddered, and then he was sobbing and saying my name. All I could do was hold him – hold him very tightly. I rocked him like I’d rocked the children. I don’t know how long we remained like that. He clung to me and I soothed and stroked him as he cried. I gazed into the glowing embers of the fire as he gradually became calm - and I felt so wanted, so full of love and gratitude.
At last he was able to pull back a little and speak. “I was so scared, Rosie. So scared I’d blown it – lost you – no way back. I wouldn’t have been able to bear it. I don’t – I think I-”
“
Shh
, now,” I said, standing up and taking his hand. “You’re exhausted, let’s go to bed.”
Chapter Forty Six
The next day we awoke side by side, in bed together for the first time in so long. Tom lay beside me with his hand on my hip, the way he always used to. When I opened my eyes he was already awake, watching me. He smiled and I moved into his arms.
Once we were up, we cleared up the debris from the previous night’s meal. It felt good to be doing small, domestic things together.
“And we really have this place for the rest of the week?” I asked as we worked.
“Yes, if that’s what you’d like. We can stay on, be together. Do you think you could stand it?”
“I don’t know, Tom.” Tom looked serious. I struggled to keep a straight face. “Oh, what do you think? Of course I want to stay.”
He relaxed. “I almost believed you were uncertain. Don’t do that to me, Rosie.” He reached for his phone. “I’ll let the kids and Mum and Dan know we’re staying on. And there are a few other people – including the honeymooners –who I’d better contact - people who are desperate to know all about how we got on.”
“You won’t tell them all about it– I hope – only the clean bits surely?”
“Well, that’ll keep the calls short,” Tom said, grinning and pulling me to him.
“Actually, before I make the calls, let’s make another bit of the story that’ll have to be edited out on the grounds of decency.”
I
laughed,
a laugh that Tom described as dirty – very dirty. Some time later Tom made his phone calls, while I had a long luxurious bath. When I eventually emerged from the bathroom, there were many text messages on my mobile, from the children and other co-conspirators. The briefest were from Adam saying ‘Wicked’, Kirsty saying ‘Yes!’ and Michael saying ‘Good on
ya
, sis!’
Later that morning I called Michael. At last I could talk to him about our sister without him changing the subject. I was able to reassure him that I wasn’t angry and that I understood what he and Tom had done.
After lunch we went for a long walk along the west sands in St Andrews. The east wind blew unimpeded straight off the North Sea. It was bitingly cold but it was a bright day and we were well wrapped up. I breathed in the sea air - and its tang made me think of home. We held hands as we walked.
We talked more about Heather. Tom told me about her funeral – attended only by him, Michael and my father. “I was so scared you’d die too, Rosie. You were so depressed, so fragile. You really frightened me when you said you couldn’t see any point in going on, and that we’d all be better off without you. I couldn’t risk putting you under any more pressure. The effect on you of Heather’s death was bad enough – without burdening you with the fact of Robbie and the HIV.”
Tom was clearly still having difficulty believing I understood what he’d done. I stopped walking and pulled him round to face me. I put my arms around him and looked up into his face. “Tom – I meant what I said – I understand. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you coping with me and all the rest of it. I was in a bad way. You did the right thing.” Then I pulled him closer and kissed him. He returned my embrace.
We resumed our walk and Tom told me about how he’d gone to meet Sue, when she first fostered Robbie, and how nobody wanted a baby from an HIV mother – nobody, that is, except Sue and Bob. They fell in love with Robbie and applied to adopt him.
“He deserved a lucky break,” I said. “And he certainly got that with the Sutherlands. You did right by him, Tom.”
As we walked back to the cottage in the fading afternoon light, Tom said, “There’s still something I don’t understand Rosie.”
“What’s that?”
“When I found you at the cottage, you wouldn’t let me comfort you - or even touch you. You kept pulling away. You said you thought you’d lost me. You said something about a secret?”
“Oh – that – yes.”
I could feel myself blushing. “It’s embarrassing now – another misjudgement on my part.” I told him about Max letting it slip about Sheena, and then what Jenny had said. “I thought you’d found someone else, Tom. I wanted you so
much,
it would’ve been unbearable to let you touch me, if I couldn’t have you.”
“Oh my God!
So that’s what Michael and Kirsty were on about,” said Tom. He stopped walking, and turned me to face him with his hands on my shoulders. “
I
thought
I’d
lost you – that you’d moved on and didn’t want me – that you couldn’t bear to be touched by me! And all the time you thought that me and Sheena…” He hugged me to him and then he laughed. “Wait till I see Max – the Sutherlands might have another child to adopt!”