Authors: Brian Tracy
As we develop as children, we go through a phase where “justice” is very important to us. We fixate on the concept of “fairness.” We are upset by any situation in our lives that does not seem to be fair and equitable to anyone, especially if it concerns ourselves.
Whenever we feel that we or anyone else has been unfairly treated, for any reason, we take it as a personal attack. Our fragile self-esteem is threatened. We react with anger and resentment. This is a normal developmental phase of growth that we go through as we move toward adulthood.
However, some people fixate at this stage and never grow beyond it. If we are not taught the importance of letting go of our grievances as children, we will come into adulthood with a gunnysack of unforgiven experiences. If we are not careful, we will then build our lives around our anger toward people who we feel are to blame for something they did or that we disapprove of. Many psychotherapists and psychiatrists spend their entire careers helping people confront and deal with these unhappy past and current experiences.
The most powerful and liberating decision you can make is to forgive everyone who has ever hurt you in any way. Only by freeing the other person, in your mind, by forgiving him or her can you be free
yourself
. This is why most religions stress the importance of forgiveness as the first step toward peace of mind and earthly bliss.
Just imagine how you would feel if you had no anger toward anyone at all in the whole world. Imagine being a completely positive, optimistic, cheerful person, with high levels of self-esteem and enthusiasm and unlimited self-confidence. Imagine being a warm, friendly, loving person filled with feelings of calmness and inner peace. All this is possible for you when you practice forgiveness.
In contrast, the refusal or failure to forgive lies at the base of negativity, anger, stress, anxiety, mental and physical illness, and most unhappiness. The refusal to forgive keeps you trapped. Forgiveness sets you free. And it is always a choice you make. It has nothing to do with the other person or situation.
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IT TAKES TWO
Some people hold themselves back from forgiving with a false basic premise. They think that by forgiving they are condoning the behav-ccc_tracy_2_18-39.qxd 6/23/03 2:46 PM Page 33
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ior of the person they are mad at. They think that, if they forgive the other person, they are doing that person a favor. They even think that they are letting the other person go free, which they are determined not to do.
The fact is that it takes two to make a prison, the prisoner and the jailer. Both are in the jail. When you let the other person go free, you liberate yourself. You don’t have to condone the behavior or
like
the person who hurt you.You just have to forgive him or her so that you can get on with the rest of your life. Forgiveness is therefore a totally
selfish
act. It really has nothing to do with the other person at all. It has only to do with your own mental integrity and peace of mind.
The comedian Buddy Hackett once said, “I never hold grudges; while you’re holding grudges, they’re out dancing!” When you remain angry with another person, you give away your emotional control to that person each time you think of him or her.You allow him or her to control your emotions at long distance.
By not forgiving, you allow that person to run your emotional life, exactly as if he or she were right there with you and the situation was occurring all over again.
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THE PATH TO FORGIVENESS
The way you forgive is simple. Each time you think of the other person, you use the Law of Substitution and say,
“God bless
him/her; I forgive him/her for everything, and I wish him/her well.”
It is not possible to bless and forgive another person and simultaneously be angry or upset. The positive thought cancels out the negative thought.
You can speed up the process of personal liberation by
accepting responsibility
for your share of what happened. Very few negative events that lead to anger and resentment occur in a vacuum.
Almost invariably, you did
something
to contribute to the situation.You therefore need to have the maturity to take your share of the responsibility.
You can then say,
“I am responsible. I shouldn’t have gotten into the
situation in the first place, or stayed in so long. I should not have done
what I did. I forgive him/her completely and let it go.”
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It may be difficult for you to forgive at first. These words will be hard for you. Many people have built their entire adult lives around their grievances. They are afraid that they will have nothing else to talk about if they stop complaining about their parents or their bad marriages. But don’t worry.
When you forgive others and let them go, you soon begin to feel lighter and happier. As the thoughts of anger and resentment fade away, your mind will fill with positive thoughts. You will have more energy and enthusiasm. You will feel stronger and more confident. Your whole future will open up before you, like a summer sunrise.
Don’t worry about what your friends think or say when you decide to forgive people who have hurt you. They are probably tired of hearing your complaints about the unfortunate events of your past.
In fact, when you start forgiving, you will often find that the only common bond between you and certain people is your gripe sessions. When you decide to forgive others, you may no longer find them very interesting to talk to.
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THE PEOPLE YOU MUST FORGIVE
There are four groups people you need to forgive if you are serious about changing your thinking and changing your life.
The first is your
parents
, living or dead.You must absolutely forgive them for every mistake they ever made in bringing you up. At the very least, you should be grateful to them for giving you life.
They got you here. If you are happy to be alive, you can forgive them for everything else. Never complain about them again.
Many of my seminar participants have phoned or visited their parents and told them that they forgive them for everything. Often this simple act of courage and character has had a profound effect on their relationship with their mother or father. From that day onward, they have become good friends, which lasted the rest of their lives together.
In contrast, by not forgiving your parents, you remain forever a child. You block your own chance to grow up and become a fully functioning adult. You continue to see yourself as a victim. Even worse, you keep your negative feelings of inferiority and anger alive.
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If your parents die without your having forgiven them, it can bother you for the rest of your life.
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CLOSE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
The second group you must forgive is the people from your
close relationships
that didn’t work out. Marriage and other intimate relationships can be so intense, and so threatening to your feelings of self-esteem and self-worth, that you can be angry and unforgiving toward those people for years.
But you were at least
partially
responsible. Have the personal strength and integrity to say, “I am responsible,” and then forgive the other person and let him or her go. Say the words, “I forgive him/her for everything and I wish him/her well.” Each time you repeat this, the negative emotion attached to the memory will diminish. Soon it will be gone forever.
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THE LETTER
Many of my graduates have found that “the letter” is the key to putting a bad relationship behind them forever. This is a powerful technique that can free you from feelings of anger and resentment almost instantly.
Here is how it works:You to sit down and write the other person a letter of forgiveness. It consists of three parts.
First you say, “I forgive you for everything you ever did that hurt me.”
Second, you write out a description or list of every single thing that you are still angry about. Some people write several pages in this part.
Third, you end the letter with the words, “I wish you well.” You then take the letter to the mailbox and drop it in. At that moment, you will feel a huge sense of relief, and you will be free at last.
By the way, don’t worry about how the other person might react. That is not your concern.Your goal is to free yourself, to regain your peace of mind, and to get on with the wonderful life that lies ahead of you.
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CLEAR YOUR SLATE
The third group you must forgive is
everyone else
in your life who has ever hurt you in any way. Let them go. Forgive every boss, business partner, friend, crook, or betrayer who has ever caused you grief of any kind. Clean the slate. Wipe each of their names and images off by saying, “I forgive him/her for everything, and I wish him/her well.” Repeat this statement each time you think of the person or situation until the negative feelings are gone.
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SET YOURSELF FREE
The fourth and final person you have to forgive is
yourself
.You must absolutely forgive yourself for every silly, senseless, wicked, brain-less, thoughtless, or cruel thing you have ever done or said. Stop carrying these past mistakes around with you. That was then and this is now.
Think of it this way: When you did those things in the past that you still feel badly about, you were not the person you are today. At that time, you were a different person, younger and less experienced.You were not your true self.You were an immature version of the person you have become with experience. Stop beating yourself up for something that occurred in the past that you cannot change.
In psychotherapy, when a person feels burdened with a deep sense of guilt or shame as the result of a childhood trauma, the cathartic moment comes when he or she suddenly realizes, “It’s not my fault.” Sometimes you did things, or things were done to you, when you were too young or inexperienced to know what was going on or to change the situation. It was not your fault. You did the best you could. You are okay. Forgive yourself and let yourself off the hook.
Just say,
“I forgive myself for every mistake I ever made. I am a thoroughly good person and I am going to have a wonderful future.”
Whenever you think of that event or situation, just repeat, “I forgive myself completely.” And then get on with your life. Focus on the future rather than the past. Look at where you are going rather than where you have been.
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feel badly about it, you can go to that person, or write, and apolo-gize. Tell the person you are sorry for what you did or said. Whatever his or her reaction, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. The very act of
repentance
, of expressing regret, will set you free.
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A FINAL WARNING
Most people are open to the idea of forgiveness. It is among the core beliefs of most religions, and is taught in psychology and metaphysics. You are probably comfortable with the idea of forgiving most of the people in your life who have hurt you in some way. But there is a great danger.
The danger is that
your refusal to forgive just one major grievance
can be enough to sabotage your entire life.
Your insistence on holding onto just one person or situation by not forgiving can put the brakes on all your forward progress. There are countless men and women who ruin their lives because of their anger and resentment toward a single person. They can’t let go of it, and so they never get free.
Don’t let this happen to you. You must have the courage and character to forgive
everyone
, without exception. There should be no one in your life with whom you are still angry. Your mind should be calm and clear. You should be able to say,
“I do not have
a negative or unforgiving thought toward anyone in the world; I freely
forgive them all.”
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TAKE CONTROL
OVER YOUR EMOTIONS
The starting point of eliminating negative emotions is for you to take full control over your thoughts and actions, and to discipline yourself not to
express
negative emotions when they arise, as they surely will. You may not be able to stop the initial negative reaction to a disappointment or a frustrated expectation, but you can refuse to express it, either to yourself or to another. You can cancel it instantly by saying,
“I am responsible!”
There are some who say that it is healthy to express the negative emotions of anger, hurt, fear, and doubt. But the fact is that
whatever you dwell upon and talk about grows in your reality.
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negative experience is like a spark that can be fanned into a blaze by thinking and talking about it. Instead, snuff it out the instant it arises by saying, “I am responsible!” Then look for reasons why you might be responsible.You will always find them.
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THE TRUE GODS ARRIVE
An English poet once wrote, “When the false gods go, the true gods arrive.” When you stop thinking about, talking about, and rehears-ing negative events and the emotions they trigger, the “true gods” of positive emotions will fill your mind and heart. When you let go of the thoughts, opinions, prejudices, and attitudes that make you unhappy, you will begin to experience the thoughts and emotions that make you feel good about yourself and your life.
Nature is on your side. Nature wants you to be happy, healthy, prosperous, and fulfilled.Your destiny is to experience joy, harmony, love, and the greatest of all human blessings,
peace of mind
. And just as a gyroscope knocked off balance returns to an upright position, your life and emotions return to peace and joy just as soon as you stop doing and saying the things that move you away from a sense of inner peace.