Chasing Charlie (15 page)

SAM

I flicked through Mara's newspaper, occasionally glancing at the clock as I waited for the buzzer to the street door. I was having trouble focussing on the words. I needed a coffee for them to start stringing together into something that made sense but I'd have to wait for Ed for that. I hadn't made a single cup for myself since he'd arrived home – his were too good.

I was waiting for Kate. She'd called that morning and Mara had said yes, she was sure that Sam could have the kids and, if not, Ed would be able to. Just bring them around.

‘Thanks for offering my babysitting services without consulting me!' I'd grumped at her before she'd left for work. I'd instantly regretted it though. Of course I'd be happy to have the kids. We all did what we could to support Kate since Martin had left her. Out of Mara's family, Kate was the one that everyone – not just Mara – felt a little protective of and went out of their way to help. She was so nice, and her kids were such fun anyway. It never felt like you were doing them a favour. Seeing them always cheered me up. They didn't give a rat's bum what I looked like, or what I said or didn't say. I didn't have to be anyone but myself around them. The buzzer blurted across my thoughts. I crossed the kitchen and pressed the talk button.

‘Hi, it's me, sorry.'

It was Kate. I could hear Rosie whining in the background.

‘Don't apologise, come on up.'

I went down the hall to the front door and after a few moments I could see the outline of Kate and two small heads. Even through the door I could hear her trying to control Luke and Rosie, asking them to calm down before entering the flat. The sitting-room door was closed; Ed must still be asleep. Not for much longer, I thought. I smiled at them as I opened the door.

‘Hi, guys, come in!' Nice and loud, that'll do it.

‘Now, don't forget, we're playing quiet little mice.' Kate walked through the door and crossed her eyes at me. ‘Thank you so much for this, you're a lifesaver.'

‘No problem, it's my pleasure.' And it was. Kate knelt down to give each kid a squeeze, her thick dark hair wrapping around each child's head and obscuring their mussy blonde tops. Why do the Minkleys have such amazing hair? I thought for the millionth time. The girl could pass as Kate Middleton. So friggin' beautiful it was almost painful to look at her. And she was a genuinely lovely person. I shook my head.

‘Come on, monsters, let's go down to the kitchen. Mummy, you push off,' I said, holding the door open for her. ‘Go on, you. We'll be just fine.' Kate hovered for a moment, looking uncertainly at me in a way that just made me want to hug her. So sweet and earnest, her worries and pleasures passing across her fairy-fine features like the weather. I bent down and scooped Rosie up before she started grizzling and pretended to eat her pudgy little arm.

‘Thanks, Sam. I really appreciate it.'

‘Go on, you'll be late!'

Kate went to leave, and then turned and smiled. ‘You're a real natural with kids, did you know that? You'll make a great mother one day.'

I snorted. That was the silliest thing I'd heard all week. A mum? I was barely an adult.

Kate left and I put Rosie down to roar down the hall, no doubt to see what there was to eat in the kitchen, with Luke right behind her. For a moment I thought they were heading straight for the fridge (maybe letting them drink milk straight out of the container last time I looked after them wasn't so hilarious after all), but instead Rosie surprised George, who had chosen the wrong moment to settle down for a nap on Mara's chair.

‘Cat, cat!' Rosie reached out her hand to pat him.

‘Hold up, Rosie.' I knelt down beside her. ‘I'm not sure if George feels like cuddles. Just look, no touching.' Rosie's chin wobbled a little and her mouth turned down while she tried to decide if she would get upset about this. I took her hand.

‘Look. Let's do it really slowly.' I guided Rosie's hand onto George's back. Her chubby fingers disappeared into his coat.

‘It's all right, George, it's only Rosie,' I said to him, my voice soft and my gaze stern. He looked at me briefly and then graciously lowered his eyelids in pleasure, his head retracting into the puff of his body. Rosie was entranced and I felt my heart melt. Maybe I could do this one day after all, I thought.

Then, at the top of his voice, Luke yelled, ‘I wanna go!' and pulled Rosie's arm away. Rosie screamed in protest and George leapt off the chair with a wail and disappeared into the hallway.

‘Luke! Look what you've done. Say sorry to Rosie!' OK maybe I wasn't ready just yet.

Luke frowned at us, his hands thrust deep into his pockets.

‘I was waiting for ages!'

I had plenty to say in return but miraculously I remembered the namby-pamby counting to ten in your head that Kate talked about doing. Eventually he spat out a quiet, angry sorry, as if he was emptying his pockets and letting a little stone fall to the floor. I did wonder at that point how on earth I could have been looking forward to seeing them a minute ago. God, I really needed that coffee now.

‘I've got an idea. Why don't you go and wake your Uncle Ed up?' I suggested.

That did the trick – it was as if I'd mentioned Christmas. Luke's face lit up and he ran down the hallway with Rosie following.

I nipped to the loo and moments later found them body slamming Ed.

‘Charge!'

‘Aaaaaahhh!'

‘Hey, that's en— oomph.'

I stood at the door grinning. My vision of enjoying one of Ed's coffees while the children quietly drew at the table with me was perhaps, I thought, a little ambitious.

‘Thanks for my – umpf – wake-up call. Remind me to get some alarm clocks like these for your birthday,' he said.

‘My pleasure. So, kids, who wants to come to the park?'

Ed looked up to say something but was smothered by a flying Rosie.

‘Hello? I said who wants to come to the park with me?'

The children continued to ignore me. Ed's head was nowhere to be seen.

‘What if Ed came too?' I tried. There was an almost deafening roar of approval. I covered my ears. At least I'd finally got their attention.

Ed looked at me questioningly.

‘There's coffee near the park, lazybones, come on.'

Ed looked doubtful.

‘It's quite good actually. It is!'

‘All right, all right. You kids get out and let me get dressed,' he said.

‘We'll meet you outside,' I said, suddenly aware that I had no idea what he had on underneath the duvet.

I took the shirt Rosie was holding out to Ed from her hand. I was going to give it to him but halfway through passing it to him I was overcome with awkwardness, and threw it on the bed instead. I clattered down the stairs with the kids, the vision of Ed's naked torso sitting up in bed imprinted, unbidden, on my mind.

We walked to the park through empty Monday streets. The sun shone weakly as if it was calling London to imagine what spring would feel like in a few weeks. Ed seemed more relaxed, walking with slow strides while Luke tried to match him with his much shorter legs. I felt happiness well up inside me. The day felt full of possibilities.

Rosie held my hand and half skipped, half walked as she pulled me along. She sang little songs to herself and stumbled sometimes in her excitement to keep up. And before I could edit my thoughts I blurted out happily, ‘Well, isn't this a lovely family outing.'

Ed looked at me quizzically, his eyes glinting darkly against the blue sky. ‘Really? I didn't know we were playing mummies and daddies.'

I felt my cheeks warm. ‘I, uh, ha ha ha,' I laughed nervously. ‘I didn't mean it like that.'

‘Like what?' Ed asked.

‘Like you and me. I mean . . .' I glanced at him again. He was smiling a closed-lipped smile, his mouth twitching. ‘Oh, Ed, you're laughing at me!'

His laugh escaped then, joyful and infectious. I couldn't help but join in, not exactly sure about what we were laughing at exactly – the idea of us together? At me being such an awkward twat? Who cared! It was all hilarious and my laughter spewed out like a geyser. Ha ha ha, I rattled, clutching my stomach, tears running down my cheeks. Hee hee hee, I shrieked, as Luke and Rosie joined in with their easy giggling. It lasted the length of the walk and it wasn't until we were opening the gate to the park that I downgraded to sputtery little after-laughs that fell out every now and then.

Ed had always been able to do that – make me laugh at the weirdest things. Sometimes when I was with him it was almost as if I was in a whole other reality. I know that sounds all New Agey and naff. And I don't mean I'm high on drugs with him either. It was something else, as if there was always this possibility that we could be tipped into some parallel universe by one comment from him, where everything was nonsensical yet at the same time made complete sense in its craziness, if you know what I mean. I'm not really explaining myself very well but it was just something Ed did. I never felt like this with anyone else.

Luke was off like a fighter jet and was up the ladder to the slide in moments, yelling for us to come over and watch his mega sliding skills. Rosie wanted a go too so I stood behind her as she negotiated the ladder, reaching up so my hands formed an emergency backstop in case Rosie needed it. I could feel my top riding up, exposing my belly. I retracted one arm to attempt to pull my top down, suddenly conscious of Ed standing a few yards away at the far end of the slide, waiting for Luke to descend. I glanced at him but at that moment Luke barrelled straight through the tunnel Ed had made from his long legs.

‘That was crap! I could go faster than that!' he yelled at Luke. Luke grinned and ran around to the ladder again, jiggling to reach the top of the ladder in impatience behind Rosie, who was still on her way up.

There was slide after slide after slide, and all the time Ed stayed focussed on the kids as they came down while I stayed at the ladder to make sure Rosie got up safely. I'd felt so euphoric, laughing so hard, and then so much lighter afterwards, a bit like I did after a good cry. But weirdly now I felt flat and a little awkward again. Had Ed actually been laughing at me the whole time? The kids moved on to the swings and I stood next to him as we pushed a swing each and wondered what to say. In the end all I could come up with was a rather lame, ‘Um, so what are your plans, Ed?'

‘Ooooh, look, she's getting all serious,' he said.

‘I was just asking—'

‘Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like that. What plans do you mean?'

‘You know, work, life, a place to live . . .'

‘You kicking me out?' Ed asked, a little sharply.

I coloured. ‘No. It's just a question.'

There was a small pause, then he answered, ‘I know one thing. I'm bloody sick of making coffee.'

‘Language!' I pointed to the kids.

He grimaced guiltily. ‘Whoops, sorry, Mum.'

‘Shut up!'

‘Sorry.' He paused again. ‘Well, I loved the day on the shoot and I can't wait for Scotland.'

‘You did a great job.'

‘Thanks.'

The swings squeaked as we pushed.

‘So take photos,' I said.

‘And live in London? Yeah, sure.'

‘You could live with your dad for a while, while you get started.'

‘I thought about all of that a lot while I was in India. I could do it but could I cope with having my will to live sapped from me in Bexley?'

‘It's not that bad,' I said, more than a little uncertainly.

‘I don't see you living there, Sam.'

‘No, that's true.' I tried imagining Ed coming in every night to beans on toast in front of
Corrie
. I pictured his long legs ending in brown pseudo-suede slippers, exactly like his father's, the television flickering light onto his shut-down face. The image faltered and fell apart in my mind. It couldn't work. Ed loved a good debate over some hot and spicy food and vehemently loathed television. And I'm not sure I'd ever seen him in a pair of slippers.

‘What about staying with us for longer then?' I said before giving it any thought. Did I really want Ed living with us full-time? He'd only been here ten days and everything seemed more complicated than it had been before.

Thankfully, before I was forced to hang out with that thought for any longer, the kids ran off to the sandpit and we followed them slowly. Ed joined them and started pushing sand together to make a castle.

I hesitated before joining in too. There was a seat nearby; maybe I should sit there? But I wanted to sit near him for some reason. I started pushing the wet sand around and hoped he wasn't sick of me pestering him. We didn't speak for a few moments and the kids warbled away. I'd forgotten that Ed hadn't answered my question and was startled when he started talking.

‘I might ask Kate if I can stay with her,' he said.

I looked up. ‘Oh right, yes.'

‘I think, in the circumstances, that would be better.'

‘In the circumstances?' What circumstances could he mean?

‘She's got a box room I could sleep in,' he said.

‘Oh yes, of course.' A room of his own of course.

‘What did you think I meant?' Ed asked, and I looked up because I could hear that his voice was sweet and open, not laced with sarcasm. He was looking at me intently over the top of the children's heads and for a moment I felt as if my chest was caving into my stomach.

‘ROSIE!' The children erupted between us, Luke roaring in indignation as Rosie stomped all over the castle.

‘Get off it, Rosie, get off.' He lashed out with fists flying but Ed held him back. Rosie burst into tears.

‘Come on, monsters, let's see what treats are on offer at the café.'

‘Yay! Café!'

Kate complains about never getting a sentence finished with the little interrupters around but right then I was stupidly grateful to them for interrupting the weirdness. There was some pretty strong coffee withdrawal going on here. Why hadn't we stopped at the café on the way to the park? That was a serious error in judgement. I stood and gathered up discarded gloves and hats.