Chasing Forever (2 page)

Yanking the door open, I suddenly stop
ped functioning, stilling at the sight of him standing right in front of the door, looking as wretched as ever.

“What are you doing here?” I made a shaky
, chilling whisper. For the first time after I had walked out on him, I finally looked at his face—
really
looked at him. His cheeks had a tint of redness from alcohol. His hair had that look that it had been pulled about in all directions while his eyes penetrated into my soul—through my shield.

“I came here to apologize.”
His tone told me that he was apologizing for far more than what had happened tonight. He was apologizing for everything that had happened. If only that word could erase him from memory—from all the misery it had cost me—but it was too late.

Barely giving him a curt nod, I gave him a deadpanned look. “
Will that be all?”

His eyes darkened
; he had been hurt from my brash abruptness so badly that there was no hint of blue anywhere within their depths. “You bloody well know
that
isn’t all, Lucy!” he stormed out, his eyes flashing at me. “You’ve been cutting and blocking me in at all corners to the point that it became difficult to get through to you—had you listened—”

“Had I listened
to
what?
” I screeched with my chest heaving while my eyes trained on him, waiting.

His brows furrowed
, frustration etched all over his face. “Had you listened to me,” he managed to say, unblinking, “we wouldn’t have broken up.” My heart ached at the sound of his voice cracking. What was the point of bringing the past up now? Everything was too late. He just needed to come to terms with that.

“I’m not discussing this with you again.”

His nose flared as he brushed past me and took the liberty of shutting the door himself before facing me with those thunderous eyes. “
Why the fuck not?
We never really did,
did we?
” he hissed, chest heaving before he decided to step closer, stopping mere inches from my heated face. “You fucking threw me away like some rotten rubbish you no longer needed.”

I caught a heady whiff of his cologne and nostalgia racked all over my body. Locking my jaw, my gaze indirectly avoided his, wandering about his neck
and chest before my eyes settled on his lips. The lips that had tasted other women. The lips that had once told me that I was his forever. The same lips that had once sealed my fate while I had hoped he’d meant every word. I might’ve held my ground, but deep in my heart, I was a walking contradiction. Because maybe I wanted him to fight for me. Maybe because I hoped that he’d come back and tell me that he had managed to fix the situation with his family. It never happened that way, though. I was on my own, holding out for something that was never going to happen. Much more so now. All I had to do was think of Amelia and everything came into sharp focus.

“Well
, had it ever occurred to you that maybe I didn’t need you?” I gritted out, hardening my heart and hoping that it would stay that way forever.

“Interesting really
, since you and I were talking about buying our own place,
even
skirting around the subject of marriage.” His eyes dropped low, staring at my heaving chest.

Wow. He had the gall to speak about marriage
? Un-fucking-believable.

“This is absolutely pointless.”

His desirous, veiled gaze instantly turned cold, spitting daggers at me. “It isn’t to me!” he hissed, stepping a tad too close for my comfort, his eyes impertinently locked on my trembling lips. “It means the world to me—
everything
, Luce.”

Luce. I used to love
that he called me that. “Funny, ‘cause I sure as hell am not part of your world.” I made a shaky laugh, willing myself not to cry. “Not anymore.”

“Tell me—tell me
what you need, and I’ll give it to you.” His sad, conflicted eyes searched mine before he whispered in a raspy tone, “Just come back to me.”

Licking my lips, I stared at him. Wide-eyed. Conflicted. Barely hanging by a thread.

“You must know that I haven’t stopped loving you. Not even for a day. Not for a second.” When his hand reached out to cradle my cheek, a small sob escaped from my lips as I closed my eyes, having difficulty not crying. This was past torment. “A part of me still believes that you love me.” His hot breath brushed against my lips, honing in closer. “We were supposed to be forever, Luce. Give me something to hope for.”

Hope. What hope? We had none. Everything
had expired the moment he had taken that step towards the inevitable. For weeks on end, I had wallowed with my shattered heart, praying that I was dreaming… having the hardest time believing that he would really hurt me in the worst possible way… thinking that the man who had given me all those promises would
never
destroy our future.

All it
had taken was one simple text message from Chad, stating that he was
sorry
, confirming everything I’d dreaded hearing.

My prayer
hadn’t been answered, and I had to live with that.

Every single moment, each passing day
, I had to come to terms with the fact that all I had left of him was memories. Did he have any idea how much I struggled to survive? No, of course he didn’t. He was too busy.
With her
.

He was Amelia’s and not mine to claim anymore. I knew that…
however my heart couldn’t be taught—it obediently wept for him.

“I have had just about enough…
I can’t take it—please.” It hurt too damn much. “No more. Please. Just leave.”

“Luce—”

I pressed my hand on his chest, pushing him away. “Toby… I can’t take—”

An animalistic
, deep groan escaped from him before he yanked my hand and pulled me towards him, slamming my chest against his, causing an explosive friction between us. When his lips met mine, I felt anger rise, spreading through me like wildfire. Infuriated that I had missed him. Helpless that I simply couldn’t stop him.

Both of his hands were behind my head,
his fingers gripping into my hair as he demolished my lips. Each kiss broke through my shield, shattering it into smithereens.

Through his lips, I felt his sorrow
, his intensifying hunger, his love. Good grief, I felt his love. It invaded me all at once. He clouded everything like a fog, making me only see him and nothing else.

His heart galloped against mine, disarming me even more.

Chapter 2

Lucy

Present

I slowly paced towards his bedroom door, breathing roughly amidst the riotous, unsteady beat of my heart. Staring at the terra cotta tiles as I quietly walked along, I was telling myself to calm down and think rationally. That I should think of the outcome, the consequences of my drastic actions.

After last night, I was still unsure of everything.
I mean, did I feel guilty? Yes, I truly did. But did I regret it? My mind did, however my body certainly didn’t. So that left me at a crossroads, not sure where to turn to.

Now
, standing outside his door, every nerve ending rattled in my body. I knew the second I would open this subject with Toby, nothing could be taken back… yet I knew I had to go through this for both our sakes, even if it resulted with or without each other.

Holding my breath, I gently knocked a few times before taking
the liberty of opening the door myself. Walking inside, I saw the room was somehow similar to mine, but Toby had all the drapes pushed aside and the bright, Roman sunshine lit his room entirely. He was nowhere in his receiving area, so I cautiously strolled towards the open double-doors to the bedroom and could see that he was in the bathroom, taking his things and dumping them in a black weekend bag. When he strode back inside the bedroom with a heavy scowl on his face, he immediately stilled as he saw me standing there mid-stride.

“I was hoping we could talk
…” I paused, feeling like his eyes were choking the words out of me. They were too much—too powerful for me to think coherently.

I caught the bob of his throat, going up and down a few times before he looked away and
then went towards his bed and laid the duffel bag next to the open, empty luggage. “I think you’ve said enough, Lucy.”

Licking my lips, I ignored the quick
, stabbing pain that dug through my heart. “About what happened earlier… and last night—”

“I’m not going to hold it against you
, so you need not worry.” He cleared his throat before he spun to face me. His eyes didn’t hold the look of love. And for some reason, I wasn’t comforted by that information. “And as for my outburst right before our friends, I apologize for the embarrassment, and for all the other instances where I had put you on the spot.”

This should have been my cue to reel him back to me, but I didn’t. Of course I didn’t. “Last night shouldn’t have happened…
and as for that outburst you had outside, I understand where you’re coming from, but this trip wasn’t about you or me. This is about Blake and Sienna. We were supposed to be here for them, so let’s do just that; place our differences aside and act civilized towards each other. They both deserve it.” Throwing the guilt card was the only thing I could do for him not to leave. Blake and Sienna meant so much to us both that I knew he’d feel like a monster leaving because his heart issues were getting in the way.

He sighed
deeply, running a hand over his hair. “You’re right.”

I knew I was.

And so we compromised.

Later that night, Sienna surprised
us all by proposing to Blake, moving all of us to tears. The ceremony was held in the garden, amongst friends and family. Their love was genuine. I remember witnessing it all and wishing that someday I hoped to find that kind of love with someone.

It took every ounce in me not to glance at Toby from the ceremony to the reception. The cloak of love and desire was too heady for me to risk it. Last night
had been risky enough, however if I let my heart rule tonight, I was going to be in big trouble.

So I remained calm
—detached—until it was time to wish the couple away to their honeymoon. After bidding them a safe farewell, it was only then that I breathed out a sigh of relief, knowing that I would be flying out first thing in the morning, hoping not to see him any longer.

I was
on the veranda, enjoying the night air as I recalled the wonderful night of my friends’ beautiful union, when I heard him behind me, clearing his throat to get my attention.

Spinning around to face him,
I saw he stood a few steps away, looking certain—confident—and yet, unsure. We were both still dressed in our formal attire. I had to enforce the voice of reason, telling myself that this man wasn’t mine as I pried my eyes away from him and looked elsewhere.

“I’m leaving in a few minutes.”

His words caught me off guard. He was leaving tonight? Why? It was almost midnight. “Oh,” was all I could manage in my shock. Of all the things I had expected from him, I hadn’t been expecting this.

He cleared his throat for the second time before speaking to me. “I want to thank you for earlier, intervening about my leaving, or I would’ve missed out in my best friend’s special night.”

For the first time, I smiled at him. Yes, he sure wouldn’t have forgiven himself if he had missed Blake Knightly’s wedding. “You’re welcome.”

My
smile made him crack a tiny grin as well, sending flutters all over my stomach. Toby Watson not only was dashingly gorgeous, but he sure did know how to make use of those dimples that had—and still did—weakened me in the knees.

“It’s been lovely to see you, Lucy.”

I nodded. “You, too.”

His eyes lingered, burning me up as
they brushed my face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then immediately shut it, nodding before he spun around to leave.

My heart dropped as I watched him walk away, retreating inside the villa to leave through the main doors while I remained in my spot, telling myself that pushing
him away was the right thing to do.

Gripping the balcony rail,
I stared at the fountain ahead as I pulled the pins out of my bun, needing to do something other than think about the numbness that was settling into my soul.

“Luce?”

My eyes widened, my heart torn in two that he had come back. “Yes?” I whispered, not facing him.

I didn’t hear his footsteps, but I felt him close…
so close that my skin prickled at his proximity. I felt his heat even though he wasn’t touching me. He was right behind me, and that thought filled me with dread—with lust and excitement and even more heartbreak.

“I just have to ask for the last time
, even after you’ve told me that you didn’t love me at all—” he breathed out. “But if there’s any chance that you might take me back after all of this—if there’s a tiny hope that you might like me still… I would die to get the chance to be with you again.”

Frozen on the spot, I stood there and listened to him speak, knowing quite well where this was all going to end.

“Give me a shred of hope, Lucy.”

“My feelings haven’t changed. My answer hasn’t changed
, either.” There was some truth in that.

I heard him take a sharp breath, as if my words
had truly gutted him. “I need to come to terms with all of this—that I should’ve known from the start that once you made your choice, it could never be undone. You left—” he whispered. “You left without looking back, without remorse… you were unfeeling, as if I had meant nothing to you. In the beginning, I thought it a joke, but as it went on, I reeled from bewilderedness and sought temporary remedies to ease my pain…”

After all of my practiced indifference, I completely dropped the façade the moment he threw me back into past. “
To ease your pain
. Fucking Amelia, you mean?” I threw in the barb, as if her name was acid on my tongue, spinning around to face him.

His temper flared. “After I saw you go out with that model bloke,
what did you expect?
” he pressed closer.

He was pushing my irritated, agitated and
very
frustrated buttons. “
You were shagging your best friend’s castoffs!
You could’ve at least thought with your head up here!” I tapped the side of my head, almost screaming at him. “But you didn’t care about that tiny, sordid detail because you simply wanted to shag your way into oblivion.” Growling at him, the words freely flowed out of my mouth. “Oh, no—fucking the Spanish bitch wasn’t quite enough, you just had to get her pregnant and marry her in haste because I was ignoring all your pleas.”

“
And that bothers you, doesn’t it?
WHY? Is it because you wanted to be my bride?” he flung challengingly. “Or is it because you wanted to be the woman to carry my child?”

Each word pierced me
because the truth of the matter was, I longed to be where Amelia was. By his side. His wife. The mother of his child.

Of course he was right. I envied her.

I had cast him aside, so my bitter words and resentment should only be mine to suffer and endure. Not him. Not Amelia.
But me;
the idiot who had thought I was doing the right thing by giving in to his mother’s manipulations.

Last night
had been my goodbye. It should have been enough. I had made a string of mistakes because I was too heartbroken to think properly. Too broken to see through the fog of unshed tears—the heavy weight of my sorrow, and the love that had once been so great that I had completely lost myself.

Now
everything had changed. The fog no longer blocked me from seeing things clearly, and as much as I liked to ponder my errors, I’d rather choose to think about what to do to improve the future.

Even though he
had said he hadn’t consummated his marriage with her, it wasn’t right. From what I had gathered from Blake, both led separate lives but were staying together because of the baby that she was carrying. Even then… this didn’t make it right.

I had to set him free—free of the shackles of me
, the ghost of me—
of us
.

“No,” I murmured. “You’re wrong. I never wanted to be any of those. When I
thought of my future, I hadn’t included you in it.”

If my selflessness could make his marriage work, then I should be happy to know that I at least
had done right by him in the end; even though I had caused him so much agony in the beginning.

He looked confused
for a moment before the words slowly sunk into him. His facial expression looked beyond hurt. The rawness of his pain took my breath away. For a single moment, I thought about taking my lies back, however I held back and remained strong, hoping this would enlighten him towards a better life with his child.

“Everything I once thought or believed…
are you telling me that it was all a lie?” he asked in a tone that made the hair on my back stand on end.

Swallowing the heavy lump in my throat, the weight of my lies pressed against my heart, vowing that this would be the last time I would hurt him. “I had never meant for it to go that far…” My eyes captured his lovely face once more, knowing that this could be the last time I saw him. “Your mother was my excuse to break things off with you, but the truth is…”
My voice shook, however my determination pushed me to continue, “I’ve been in love with Troy since before I broke things off with you.”

“Don’t fuck with me like this
, Luce…” he quietly begged, searching my eyes for the truth, as if the world had been pulled out from beneath his feet.

I loved you, but I had to let you go
. “It’s the truth,” I uttered the ultimate lie, knowing that I was going to nurse a very damaged heart once I got back to England.