Authors: Micki Fredricks
I peeked over her shoulder and quickly looked back at her.
“Better put your head between your knees then because here he comes.” She looked like she could cry.
“Hi Katie, Jenna.” Marcus said.
I stepped around her… she didn’t move.
“Hey, Marcus.” I tapped her arm with my elbow, she whimpered so softly only I heard. I bit lightly on my bottom lip to stop the laughter trying to make its way out. She turned slowly.
“Hi,” she said calmly, but I heard the small tremble in her voice. I leaned toward her until our arms touched, reminding her she wasn’t alone.
As soon as she spoke, he was lost in her again. I’d never seen two people stare at each other like that. It creeped me out a little bit. I slowly nodded my head, looking back and forth between them, waiting for one of them to speak again. Marcus’ friends seemed to notice the lack of conversation also.
“You must be Jenna. I’m Nolan Mcguire. We live with Cale and Marcus. They told us about the two of you. We were hoping to get to meet you.” He didn’t talk
to
me, he talked
around
me and
over
me. I watched as his eyes jetted off in either direction over my head, looking for someone more important than me. He extended his hand toward me, but I couldn’t focus on anything except what he’d said.
Cale told them about us? I couldn’t begin to fantasize why he would’ve mentioned me. It must have been about Marcus and Katie’s undeniable attraction for each other. I was the roommate in the story…
“And her roommate’s name was Jenna.”
My mind wandered for a second, wishing something about me had intrigued Cale enough to mention Katie and me to his friends. But I wasn’t
that
girl … I was the
roommate
kind of girl.
I grasped Nolan’s hand, realizing I had left him with his hand outstretched for a rude amount of time, and looked into his eyes. They were vacant of emotion. A shiver crawled up my spine. I wanted to stop touching him, but he held my hand tightly, making me wait until he let go.
“Nice to meet you, Nolan.” I managed to get out. And like that, he had me in his sights. His eyes bore down on me. A cushion of arrogance surrounded him as his mouth raised in a smirk. No one had ever looked at me that way before. I felt naked and exposed. Afraid he could see my secrets if I continued to allow him to stare – I looked away. My heart beat hard in my chest, pleading with me to distance myself from him.
I glanced toward the other boy but he didn’t speak. Finally releasing my hand, Nolan introduced him. “This is Quinn.”
Quinn didn’t extend his hand, only gave me a quick nod – I was thankful. I returned the same gesture.
“It was nice meeting you, Jenna. I’m sure we’ll see each other again.” Nolan dismissed me, and moved on to the next group of people, Quinn shadowing behind. I watched him work the crowd like a politician, thankful he had tired of me so quickly.
I scanned the crowd, hoping to find a familiar face. Katie and Marcus had regained the ability to speak and were seated at a table near the dance floor having a quiet conversation. I wondered if they realized they were in the middle of all of these people. I doubted it. It must be life changing to find someone who shuts the rest of the world out with their presence.
Finally, my chance for alone time had come. I stopped at one of the tables long enough to buy a sweatshirt before heading back to my room. I wasn’t mad at Katie for ditching me for Marcus. I understood and would’ve done the same thing. Although, considering I had never been in that type of situation with a guy, I guess I couldn’t say for sure.
The entryway of the Tower was mostly cleared out and when the elevator doors opened it was empty. I breathed deeply, letting a long sigh out as the doors closed. My arms went slack and heavy next to me as I slumped back against the cold metal walls. I rolled my shoulders feeling every knot in my back. The excitement of the last day and a half had broken me down. I was happy when I finally walked into my room.
My favorite pajamas, a pair of gray sweatpants and an old high school t-shirt, were a welcome sight. The tension in my back began to loosen from the idea of sleep. I couldn’t wait to climb into my bed. I changed quickly and grabbed my bathroom bag. Brushing my teeth was the only thing that stood between me and sleep. I would’ve been giddy, but I was too tired.
I rushed into the hallway and turned to shut the door behind me. With my hand still on the knob I froze as the lock caught. My warm breath bounced off the pressed wood door, with my nose only inches from it. This area had been overflowing with people when we were getting ready for the fair, but now it was empty. I was alone. I tried to push the rising panic down, begging myself for tranquility. Sometimes the most frightening things are the monsters your mind makes up to fill emptiness.
The buzzing of florescent lights echoed in my ears, attaching themselves to my nerve endings. I shuddered, trying to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that slithered down my spine.
“
There’s no one there. Nobody wants to hurt you.”
I whispered
,
trying to keep my head in the right place. An internal battle raged inside of me. The constant push-pull that comes with anxiety is a Hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
One side commanded me to do more, be more. The other side screamed – be smart, be safe. My days became a constant back and forth, each time one side winning the immediate battle, but never the entire war.
I squeezed my eyes shut trying to decide if I would go down the hall and brush my teeth or bolt back into my room and lock the world out behind me. A simple decision for most … But to me, my entire existence hung in the balance.
I held my breath, looked toward the bathroom, nothing, and then toward the elevators. It was clear too. I rushed down the hall, the weight of fear pushing on my back, making me move faster with each step.
I slipped into the bathroom silently and pressed my back against the wall. My lungs burned but I released my breath slowly. If anyone else was in here, I didn’t want them to hear me. I slid down the wall, pulling my knees up and resting my forehead on them. Sometimes making myself smaller physically, made my emotions easier to control. '
I am safe. No one wants to hurt me.'
Once I felt the anxiety recede, I forced myself to my feet. “
Forward
,” I whispered, incase my brain had forgotten to tell my legs the direction I intended to move.
My make-up had started to fade from my eyes and I was glad. I reached up and touched my reflection, wondering if anyone could understand what I was really trying to hide. The make-up changed the way I looked, but not who I was. There was no fix for that.
When I finished washing my face and brushing my teeth, I walked back to the room. A burst of cold air hit me when I opened the door. I grabbed a blanket from the couch, threw it across my shoulders and hurried to shut the window.
Heaviness settled in my chest when I looked out the window. The fair was still in full swing. Regret twisted my stomach. A small part of me wished I would’ve stayed, maybe looked for someone from my floor to hang out with. I tightened the blanket around myself and turned away from the window, knowing there was a bigger part of me glad I was in my room. I took a pillow from my bed and curled up on the couch. The music from outside was the last thing I remembered.
My eyes fluttered and I stretched my arms above my head. Something had woken me. Several panicky seconds passed before I realized where I was. I wasn’t sure how long it took me to fall asleep or how long I’d slept. A soft knock from the other side of the door startled me, but I recovered quickly.
I mumbled into the darkness, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, “Why do I have a feeling that you will be forgetting your keys a lot?” I shuffled my way to the door, unlocked the deadbolt and turned back toward the couch. A familiar voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Jenna, its Cale. Can I come in?”
>CHAPTER FIVE<
My body froze halfway between the door and the couch. This had to be a dream or possibly a hallucination. Maybe I was experiencing a psychotic break. Considering I had been close to one since driving onto campus, it wasn’t a farfetched theory. One thing was for sure, there was no way I actually heard that voice.
Now wide awake, my mind spun with a dozen questions. Why was he here? Was it really him? Should I let him in? What do I look like?
I reached for the overhead lamp attached to my desk and turned it on. Obviously intended for studying when other people wanted to sleep, it was more of a small spotlight on the top of my desk. Lights shining in from the Information Fair did little more than throw long shadows on everything.
Placing one hand on the door, the other on the knob, I tried to decide if it had actually been his voice.
“Jenna?” I dropped my hands. Reality quickly set in – it was him. I needed to let him in, or tell him to go home. This was bad. It didn’t feel right. But it felt
so
right at the same time.
I ran my hands over my hair, trying to calm any wild strands. My decision had been made; I reached for the knob, opening it a crack. I peered through the small opening, blinking rapidly as my eyes adjusted to the light of the hallway. His face lit up with a kind smile.
“Can I come in?” he whispered. My mind was stuttering stupid responses to his question that I thankfully had enough sense to not blurt out, which in turn, made me mute.
Was this one of those “
situations
” that everyone warns you about before you go to college?
Cale cleared his throat and leaned closer to the door. “Not really supposed to be out here, standing in the girls’ dorm, after curfew. If you don’t want me to come in I totally understand, but could you say something so I know if I need to leave or not?”
Really? Could I be any more awkward? I opened the door wider and stepped behind it.
Hello
“situation”, welcome to my room
. He turned sideways to fit into the opening, glanced back down the hallway and slid in. We stood in silence, me in my pajamas, hair a wreck, sleep in my eyes … and Cale.
I shut the door behind him, the whole time wondering what the hell I was doing.
“Hey,” he said. He seemed both surprised and happy that I had let him in. Although I found myself unbelievably attracted to him and excited beyond words that he was here, I wanted to make sure he couldn’t read it on my face. I tilted my head and looked at him through suspecting eyes.
“You aren’t some weird serial killer that picks out unsuspecting girls and murders them before their first day of classes, are you?”
“No. I wait until after your first day.” The beautiful smile returned to his face and I nearly died. His eyes dropped to the floor and he pushed his hands down into the front pockets of his dark jeans. His tight-fitting Henley hoodie was proof that he had spent many hours in the gym. He was perfection and I was … me.
I lightly hit him in the stomach as I walked past. “Well, that’s a relief.”
He laughed and turned to follow me to the couch. We both flopped down, him on one side with one of his arms draped across the back and the other resting on the arm. I sat on the opposite side using the arm as a backrest with my legs up on the couch toward him. I grabbed the blanket and pulled it around my shoulders, realizing how silly it was to think that this thin blanket gave me any protection against this guy.
“What time is it?” I asked as I positioned the pillow behind me.
“It’s 11:30 you party animal.” He nudged my feet in a teasing way.
“I know, I should’ve stayed longer but Marcus showed up and whisked Katie away. The other girls had gone their separate ways so I decided to come back and relax for a while. I met some of your friends there.”
“I heard,” he said with a smile. “I saw you talking to my brothers but by the time I got through the crowd you were already gone.” He seemed disappointed. “You looked beautiful by the way.”
My heart skipped and I shifted on the couch, uncomfortable with his compliment. “Thanks, but these sweatpants are really more me than the make-up and silly clothes.”
His face softened, and he tugged on the leg of my sweatpants. “You look as beautiful now as you did earlier, maybe even a little more.” His fingertip circled on the bare skin of my ankle. It was the slightest of touch, but my body didn’t understand that. Warmth flooded through me and I felt the blush in my cheeks. His eyes held mine for a few seconds too long before I looked away. Could this really be happening? Could this guy be interested in spending time with me?
“Will you tell me about yourself? What makes you Jenna?” He seemed sincere but I couldn’t possibly tell him the truth. Why would someone like him want to be around me if he found out that my dad left before I was born? If the man who was supposed to love me no matter what could turn his back and walk away, never looking back … Why would anyone think I was worth sticking around for?
And what if he knew that my mom and I lived in a one bedroom apartment and we barely made it? Living week to week didn’t sound so bad when you were living day to day.
I’m sure he could care less that I wanted so badly to be in sports in high school but was too busy working to help pay the bills.
I never had any close friends. I had girls that I was friendly with but I didn’t do the party thing or the boyfriend thing.
I could never tell him my mom didn’t marry because she continued to hold on to the “knight in shining armor” dream. I tried over and over to get her to understand that it was never going to happen that way. She’d smile, and tell me to have hope. Hope is a hard thing to have when you’re standing in line at the food bank. I tended to choose reality.
I didn’t want him to know I’d never had a cell phone or my own computer. The fact I was at this school happened to be a miracle totally funded on scholarships and loans.
The room was quiet. I pulled the blanket over my face realizing everything I “couldn’t” tell him had poured out of my mouth. I’d told him everything about where I lived, my parents, and my dream of being a journalist. Embarrassment flooded my body. I lowered the blanket enough to make eye contact, “How long have I been talking?” For a second we stared at each other and then both broke out in laughter.