Chasing Serenity (Seeking Serenity) (13 page)

There is a loose thread on the bottom of my shirt and I pull at it as I speak. I can’t seem to face Declan when I tell him the rest of my pathetic little tale. “For months I didn’t do anything. I didn’t go out with the girls. Refused to eat or run or do anything but work on my thesis and attend my courses. Then, one day, I started to get angry. I kept getting angry.
  When Mom and I—when the wreck happened—” I close my eyes, try to slow the tremble in my hands. I need to get this out, to say what I can to exorcise the anxiety that builds in my chest. “Mom died and I was hurt. I was laid up for weeks afterward. If it wasn’t for Ava and my friends, I don’t think I would have survived.” Finally, I’m able to meet his eyes. “That anger only got bigger, then I started to depend on it. It fueled me, warmed me and I decided that I never wanted to be the girl Tucker claimed to love. I couldn’t. She was dead. I promised myself I wouldn’t let her come back, that I deserved better, that I’d never let anyone, not my father, not Tucker, ever make me feel like I was nothing, like I wasn’t important.”

After a while, Declan’s wide eyes narrow and he exhales, rubs his palms down his legs and shakes his head as though all I’d confessed had been some great, unbelievable revelation. “I knew he was an idiot, but I never thought he was a dumbarse.”

A loud chuckle leaves my mouth and I don’t fight back the smile that stretches across my face. “Why do you say that?”

“McShane, please.” Declan leaves the bed and kneels again in front of me. “You’d have to be King of the Wankers to let a girl like you go.” I feel my face flush, know that my cheeks are likely blazing red, but Declan is, at least temporarily, a gentleman and doesn’t comment on the blush.

“I told you I don’t want the heartache and I don’t,” I say. “But the truth is, it always ends. Relationships, love, at some point, it ends.” I take his hands, rub my fingertips over his knuckles. “My parents loved each other so much. God, they were crazy for each other and then one day, they weren’t. It took over a year for Tucker to talk me into one date.” My eyes lower, until they finally shut completely. “And what we had, it wasn’t healthy.” I glance back at Declan, erase any emotion from my face. “It was bad.”

“He hit you?”

“No. He didn’t need to. One look would have me shaking. One passive aggressive comment would send me over the edge. It took me a long time to understand how destructive our relationship was. My parents were happy, loved each other, loved me and I thought, even after my dad left, that I could find that, that I deserved that, but what I found was obsession, passion, sure, but that wasn’t love.”

“So, are you still looking for it?”

I want to tell him yes. I want to be hopeful and open, but that damn wall is secured by doubt and great mounting swells of fear. “No. I’m not.” The disappointment is clear on his face. There is a frown, slight but clearly there and a small fold creasing on his forehead. “That heartache? It’s always waiting for anyone who willingly jumps into the fire. I can’t…I don’t want that again. Tucker did a number on me and I have to blame myself for that as much as him. But it was also my parents, watching my mother spend year after year on her own, angry, frustrated. Dad ran off and until yesterday I hadn’t seen him since I was a kid.”

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“Why would I?” He pulls away from me, begins to stand, but I grab him, let my forehead rest against his. “I’m not for you, Declan. I don’t think I’m for anyone. I don’t want to be in love with anyone, but I do like you. You’re insufferable and an utter alpha male, but I do like you.”

It takes a few seconds, but finally Declan relaxes, releases a slow breath. “So what do we do? What happens next? You want to ignore what happened last night?”

“Could we, please?”

His stare is long, steady and I know he is thinking, considering his options. “There’s a problem with your theory, McShane.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t want the heartache, but it’s there already. Your friends, Winchell, you’re already in relationships and according you, they’re bound to end.” Declan plays with the ends of my hair, lets each strain slide over his fingers. “There’s the issue of the whole sparking thing, besides.”

“Sparks can be extinguished.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Declan inches toward me, lets his mouth run along my jaw. I like the way his lips feel against my skin. “And I don’t give up so quick like.”

He kisses me, a slow, small brush of his lips that lingers before I pull away, take a glance at the clock and stand. “I’ve got to go. Come on, get up and out of my place. And for the love of God take some muffins with you.”

“I hate you. I hate you so much I hope you get a severe allergic reaction to chocolate and sex.” 

“You do not.” I give Layla a far too exaggerated smile. “I am your favorite ginger in the world.”

“No…no… you’re not,” she says through pants. “Anne Shirley is.” Her head lowers as she struggles through the last sprint. Thick pools of sweat darken her fitted shirt and the back of her shorts. “God! How much longer?” she says, her head turning toward Declan.

“Layla, if you don’t stop complaining, I’m going to push you down the mountain.”
  Sayo’s calm threat earns her a middle finger from Layla. 

“Channel your anger,” I say. “Hate Tucker.” A loud grunt and scowl in my direction and Layla speeds up to continue her sprints.

Declan missed his calling. He would have been perfectly suited for SEAL training. He also misrepresented himself with his offer to train us. I thought we’d run, do some simple drills on the trail, maybe on the pitch. I never anticipated a labored dash up Fanning Falls, fifty pushups followed by sprints to the river and back and then thirty rapid crunches.

 
“How many more?” Mollie says, her white t-shirt tied in a knot at the hem, drenched in sweat.

“Ten,” Declan says and Layla’s high whine and flailing kick at the ground makes the Irishman’s face crinkle.

“Ten? We’ve already done fifty.”

“Have it your way then. Twenty more.”

“Fuck you, Fraser.”

“Layla, shut up,” Sayo says, sprinting next to our friend. “You…you’ll only... make it... worse.”

Layla runs away, then back, but her curses don’t stop. “Hate…” she says, next to Declan, then she runs back to the river, “you” back and away again “asshole!”

Declan watches us, smirks at how winded we are. “Five more.” He glances down at the stop watch in his hands but then lowers it when my leg cramps and I don’t cover the wince on my face. As I near him, he jogs next to me. “You can have a break, McShane.”

“Don’t do me any favors. I got this.”

“Pushing yourself before you’re ready will—”

 “Shut up. I’m…fine.” He stops running after me and I join my friends to finish the last set of crunches.

My stomach burns during the last three movements, then Declan’s stopwatch buzzes loudly. “Have a break,” he says and I crash against the ground next to Sayo.

“What’d he say?” she asks.

“He wants me to take it easy.”

“He’s not wrong.”

Grunting, my elbows come to my knees and I take the bottle of water Sayo offers me. “Thanks, Brutus, but I’m fine. Barely notice the searing pain.”

“Autumn—”

I’m not in the mood for her nagging. Sayo’s phone chirps with a text message, but she ignores it, seeming too exhausted to do much more than lay back on the ground. “What’s going on with you and Thor?”

“He has a name.”

“Sandy, right?”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Sam, smartass.” Sayo takes the bottle from my hands. “Guess who he’s friends with?”

“Who?”

“Tucker.”

“What? And you’re still seeing him?” I’m shocked that she’d want anything to do with a guy who considers Tucker a friend. I would have thought the very idea of them being buddies labeled Sam as a miscreant.

“Gathering intel.”

“Friend! I’m so proud of you.”

Layla isn’t moving on the ground and Declan hovers over her, brushing his foot next to her leg. “You alive?” he asks her.

“Leave her alone, Fraser,” I say, earning a pout.

“He’s grumpy today. What’s his problem?” Sayo asks.

“He got suspended from the squad because of that fight. He’s out for three games.”

“Did Tucker?”

“No, of course not. Mullens said they need Tucker. Jackass.”

Sayo wipes sweat from her upper lip and then returns the water to me. “Don’t let Layla hear you say that about her dad.

“I’m not worried. Her pet name for her dad was far more vulgar.”

“Enough slacking, come along,” Declan shouts. We gather around him and he bounces on his feet, seeming far too happy to be bossing us around. “One last exercise.”

“What? No way.” Layla says.

Declan glares at her. “I’m not fussed if you lose. Of course your da might have something to say if you enter that auction.”

She pouts, starts to say something else, but Mollie covers her mouth. “What’s next?” she asks Declan.

“The path next to the river is stupid with rocky terrain and it’s a perfect practice run for the Dash course. Get down it quick as you can without damaging yourself and you’ll have a pint on me.”

“Doesn’t that break your ridiculous ‘energy-dense, low-volume foods’ rule?” Sayo says.

“American beer, or water as we call it back home.”

My friends release a collective groan, but otherwise don’t comment, though Layla opens her mouth to argue, even lets out a small “Irish prick,” before Mollie jabs her in the ribs.

They seem to have caught on to how Declan reacts to their complaints. He holds the stop watch up. “Ready? Go.”

I don’t want to admit how badly my leg hurts, but the pain is less today than it has been all week running through Declan's sadistic training. Layla disappears down the trail with Mollie just steps behind her. Sayo’s winded breath comes out in pants and when we come to a bend, she runs in front of me. I take the moment to fall back, needing a rest. “I’m good. Go ahead.”

I close my eyes against the pain and stretch out my leg. I like the soft burn that eases the cramp. Declan’s approach is announced by the broken twigs under his feet. He’s behind me in seconds, his hand on my back. “Alright then, McShane?”

“Yeah. Just needed a stretch.” We walk down the trail side by side. “This is good. You definitely know what you’re doing.”

“Are you complimenting me?”

“Don’t let it go to your head. You could make a killing doing boot camp training for co-eds.”

It takes me a while to straighten out the cramp in my leg, but slow strides navigating the mountain’s decline make the task easier. Declan is silent next to me, but he watches every move I make, his expression wary. We haven’t spoken much since that embarrassing morning-after discussion a week ago. Other than a few curt texts to arrange the start of our training, our communication has been mostly professional. This weekend the squad will be at an away match and Declan’s supposed to help out again at the library, but thankfully I can’t make it. I’ve neglected my thesis for far too long. Still, the way he watches me, the way he steadies me by my elbow when we come to a particularly cumbersome stretch in the trail, has me thinking he hasn’t forgotten his threat of not giving up so easily on me. I’m not sure if I should be nervous about that or pleased.

When I stumble over a root, Declan catches me, stands too close, looks too long at my face. His head tips to the side and his mouth lowers, but I push away from him and take off down the trail again. My head down, I kick my legs faster, hoping the exertion will clear my thoughts. I am deep into the woods now, the scent of the pine trees and the sound of the waterfall above me fuels my adrenaline, urges me forward. But Declan is faster, not encumbered by an injured leg.

There are a few blissful moments of silence, where the only sound I hear is that of my own breath and the crunch of Declan’s feet behind me, but then the moment passes and he is at my side. I glance at him once, taking in the loose Cavanagh Athletics t-shirt and long, black shorts that hug his thick thighs. One blink, two, and I try to think about other things…less distracting things.

“You know, you aren’t such a shitty runner,” he says

“Yeah, I’ve had practice.” We match pace and he runs so close to me that his thick arm brushes against mine. I speed up, but he matches me step for step.

“Are you trying to outrun me, McShane?”

“Yes, jackass, I am.”

“Why? Don’t you want to speak to me?”

“No. I want to run.”

He can’t seem to help himself. Three whole seconds pass as we follow the trail to the left and spot the clearing ahead before Declan opens his mouth again. I don’t give him a chance to speak.

I stop. My chest heaves and I lower myself self in a bend to stretch out my back. He jogs in place, silent until I look up at him. “What do you want?”

His smile lowers, a twinge of concern on his face. “Just talking to you.” I shake my head, turn away from him. He slows his stationary jog into a stop and crosses his arms over his chest. “Do you have to be such an arse?”

“Yes, because clearly you’re not getting that you’re being a pest.”

He considers me for a moment, his eyes squint until the small smirk returns to his face. That’s an entirely too mischievous little leer. “Okay, McShane, how about a wager?”

“I’m kind of full up on wagers.” At his pout, I sigh. “Fine. What kind of wager?”

He steps closer and I freeze when he pulls my bangs off my forehead. I don’t like how close he stands to me or that devious gleam in his eyes. “I bet you I can beat you to the end of the trail.”

I mimic his smirk, enjoy the thought that, despite my injured leg, I’m about to embarrass him severely. “Go on.”

“If you win, I promise not to bug you outside of this training.”

“Ever again?”

“Training only, mind.”

“Ha. And if you win?”

He puts his hands on my shoulders and I tense. “If I win, you have to let me take you out.”

“What? You don’t want to do that.”

“Says who? And I mean a proper date.”

“How proper?”

“Kiss good night proper.”

I consider this, thinking about his kisses, all those wonderful, previous kisses.

“Fine, but just a kiss, no funny stuff.”

“Oh, love, I promise you, there wouldn’t be anything funny about that kiss.”

I don’t like how cocky he is, but I love how much he doubts me. Silly, stupid man. I intentionally bite my bottom lip, give it a quick swipe of my tongue and Declan’s green eyes lower.

“Okay. Fine,” I say, rising up on my tip toes to put my arms around his neck. He stares at my mouth. “But there’s something you should know.”

“What…what’s that?”

“My undergrad years?” He nods. “I was All Conference in track.” I jerk away from him and take off, stare back to see his delayed reaction. Declan is just feet behind me and I’m certain I’ve already won when I glimpse the line of benches at the trail’s end.  I am nearly there, pumping my arms, enjoying the burn in my legs as they move faster and faster, but then Declan catches up to me, tugs on the hem of my t-shirt. He pulls me back by my elbow and running against the pressure of his hand gripping me is like running against a hurricane. He inches ahead, then jerks me back to head forward, hitting the end of the trail first by mere inches.

He beat me. That ass beat me.

“That is cheating, you jackass.”

“Yeah and trying to get a head start isn’t cheating, Miss ‘I Am Woman?’"

“Fine then, it’s a draw. You didn’t beat me.”

“In fact, I did, McShane, and now you have to go on a proper date with me.”

His ego really needs deflating. “Not going to happen.”

“You backing out, love? That doesn’t seem like your style. How very disappointing you are. Not even a woman of your word, are you?”

My chin comes up in an inflated jerk. “Don’t besmirch my honor, Declan.”

“Then you have to say yes. A bet is a bet, isn’t it?” Over Declan’s shoulder I see my girls laying on the benches, gasping for breath, but their eyes are focused sharp on our little exchange.

“You’re a cheater.”

“As are you.”

That annoying, smirk pulls his lips and my elbow comes up in a soft jab against his gut when he walks next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“That was a dirty race.”

“Indeed. How’s next week?”

“Whatever.”

“You’re quite good, actually, McShane. For a minute there I thought you had me.”

“I did have you, cheater.”

He laughs and pulls me to his side. I don’t jab him again. “You know, if this was Hogwarts, you’d be a Quidditch star.”