Chasing Sylvia Beach (22 page)

Heinrich turned to a counter where a man in a waiter’s uniform stood. They spoke in German. The man slipped away and came back with two chairs folded under his arms. Heinrich indicated a place in the shade near the pavilion’s tower and the man set the chairs up quickly.

“Danke!” Heinrich told the man, who remained at attention. Heinrich invited Lily to sit down. She sank back in the canvas chair, relieved to sit after all that walking.

“Would you like something to drink, white wine, champagne, perhaps?”

“Water, please, I’m feeling a little dehydrated.”

Heinrich gave her a puzzled look, but placed their order with the waiter.

“Is this the first time you’ve visited the Exposition?”

“Yes. I must say it’s odd to come back to this place with all the Expo buildings here.”

“You’ve been to Paris before?” Heinrich asked, squinting at her.

The drinks arrived. Lily’s water was served in a tall, frosted glass. Heinrich took his glass of white wine. The interruption provided a screen for Lily, who sensed she’d said too much. Again, she was being forced to knit a new story. She didn’t like lying, but truth be told, she enjoyed the thrill of improvising like this.

“Where were we?” Heinrich said after he sipped his wine. “You’ve been to Paris?”

“Yes. I came here with my parents as a girl. I love this city.”

“I am like you. I love Paris, with her intense intellectual and artistic life. My first visit was two years ago when I had a yearlong post at our Embassy of Cultural Affairs. I find myself truly lucky. And what about you? Are you staying long in Paris or are you returning to the U.S. soon?”

Lily, glass in hand, sighed. “I don’t know yet. It depends on some things I have to take care of.” She took a sip of cool water. “But for now I’m happy to work for Miss Beach. She is a very interesting woman.”

“It is true. Despite her flaws.”

Lily started back slightly. She didn’t like a stranger speaking about Sylvia’s flaws. True, she was cranky and prone to migraines, but Lily sympathized with her.

“What do you mean ‘her flaws’?”

“You know . . . her Sapphic ways.”

Lily took a sip of her water to avoid saying something she’d really regret. This was not what she expected by “flaws.”

“Why do you call that a flaw? Sylvia is free to make choices of her preferred sex, whether you like it or not.”

“But I’m not against it. It’s none of my business.”

“That’s right, it’s not!” Lily said, flushing.

He smiled. “But there must be some difficulties inherent in this kind of choice.”

“Like?”

“Like being rejected by society. She is lucky to live in Paris, to be independent and among the literary and artistic. That deviance is more accepted here.”

“The ‘deviance’? Being a lesbian is an anomaly in your opinion?”

“Of course she does not conform to each person’s norms.But still, that reality can’t be easy.”

She took another sip of water, then spoke calmly.

“What reality? Homosexuality has always existed and always will. And I think that the sculptures out front aren’t without some homosexual connotation. What’s the deal with those two statues of naked men so close to each other, anyway?”

Heinrich burst into laughter at Lily’s indignant question.

“My God, Lily, you’re adorable when you respond with passion! But spare me a doubt. Are you of the same nature as Miss Beach?”

Lily was silent for a moment, unsure of his meaning. Suddenly it hit her: he was asking if she was a lesbian. Blood rushed to her face.

“Huh! And if I say yes, will you be done talking to me? You’ll deny my existence?”

“No, not at all. I would just find it to be a pity,” he said softly, looking her straight in the eye. Lily lowered her eyes, embarrassed by this look, no mystery this time about its meaning.

Finally, she spoke. “If it comforts you, I am not.”

He appeared delighted to hear these words, his smile growing wider, his eyes glistening. Then he spoke.

“I understand that I might have upset you by what I said about Miss Beach. But know that I respect her very much.” He paused, then continued. “Especially since she introduced me to such an intelligent and passionate young woman as you.”

Lily blushed, for once speechless. Despite herself, Lily couldn’t help but think he was even more handsome this close. Her whole body began to heat up, starting with her cheeks and traveling down to her neck, then lower. Then she remembered the reason for this relationship. She wanted to drive the conversation to the book, but her mind was distracted by what he’d just said. A sudden suspicion arose. Was he the Nazi who had provoked the closing of the bookshop, demanding Sylvia’s copy of
Finnegan’s Wake
? She stared at him, wondering how he could be so friendly with Sylvia and then so callous behind her back. He broke the silence.

“Lily, perhaps what I said disturbed you?”

“Yes, a little. I didn’t expect that. I thought you were more . . . let’s say rigid, constipated a bit.”

Heinrich gave a short bark of laughter and she joined him.

“Constipated! I’ve never heard that one. You really are witty. A little too impulsive, perhaps. But even that’s not so disagreeable.” He squinted again as if inspecting her up close.

“You’re joking?”

“Not at all. I am sincere. It’s very refreshing to talk with you. Quite a change from the conversations with my colleagues.”

Lily nearly cringed, not even wanting to imagine the Nazi conversations behind closed doors. She plunged in.

“Can I ask you what you will do with the book you just bought at Sylvia’s?”

Heinrich’s expression changed, and Lily feared she’d gone too far. He finished his wine, taking a moment before speaking.

“I cannot say much. But I didn’t acquire it for me. I was following orders from the highest level of the state. I’m leaving this weekend to bring it to my superiors in Berlin.”

Lily was jolted by this news. Her salvation was going thousands of miles into Nazi territory and probably to places inaccessible to the ordinary mortal.
I’m screwed if I can’t get home
, she told herself. She briefly contemplated a life in Paris under the Occupation—at Heinrich’s side, as a collaborator. She shivered.

“Cold?”

She shook her head.

“Why are you interested in this old book, Lily?”

Lily let her imagination guide her words.

“I’m interested in Norse mythology and the history of Scandinavia. The Edda, Thor, Loki, all those . . .” She reeled off these words quickly, things she’d picked up thumbing through a book on Norse mythology at the bookstore in Denver. She had soon become bored with it, preferring her fantasies of Paris life in the twenties. She continued her fabrication.

“And my family is of Swedish origin. This book seemed relevant to my interest in the myths and realities of my ancestors. As a German you can understand, right?” She paused to gaze into his eyes. “I would have liked to at least browse it for a moment, perhaps discover its secrets.” She smiled coquettishly.

“I didn’t know you were interested in such things, Lily. It’s impressive to see the flame of interest in your eyes. I appreciate that.” He leaned close in complicity.

Suddenly Karl was behind Heinrich, clapping his hand on his friend’s shoulder. He spoke in German. Heinrich excused himself to Lily. After a few minutes of heated discussion with Karl, he returned.

“I’m sorry to leave, but duty calls. Enjoy the rest of your visit at the Expo. I hope I see you again soon.” He kissed Lily’s hand and bowed one last time, then left with Karl.

Lily followed them with her eyes, dismayed to have lost him so suddenly. Just when she felt she was getting closer to the book. She should have played up to him, poured on the honey. Was this really the time for her frankness? She reproached herself, then remembered Heinrich laughing at her when she defended homosexuality. Her anger shifted to him. How dare he laugh at her convictions? And soon he’d be on his way to Berlin with the book and she’d be stuck in 1937! Damn, damn, damn! Stranded among the happy Expo visitors, she felt desperately lost.

She raised her eyes toward the entrance of the patio and was surprised to see Heinrich coming back to her. Lily adopted a bright smile, ignoring Karl’s dark look upon her. Lily’s heart pounded as Heinrich approached. He bent toward her.

“Lily, I’ll be quick. I’d like you to see the book, since you are so interested. The day after tomorrow, there’s a reception at the embassy. Would you be my guest? If you’d like, I can let you glance at the book one last time.”

Surprised by this proposal, she didn’t even debate it with herself. She accepted immediately. “Yes, of course. I’d be happy to.”

“Very good! I’ll send the invitation around tomorrow. Until the ball, then,” he finished, his face revealing his delight at Lily’s acceptance. He hurried back to Karl and they slipped into the tower’s stairwell.

Lily, shocked, slowly realized that she’d just gotten what she wanted. Sensing the book within reach, a wave of euphoria overcame her. Then she remembered Paul, who surely must be waiting outside for her. Lily rushed through the crowd, eager to escape the pavilion and meet Paul.

Out on the walkway, she rushed toward the metro entrance. Back on the square in front of the new Palais de Chaillot, she scanned the crowd for Paul’s face. Nothing. She looked more carefully, making a slow panorama, right to left. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. She shrieked and jumped away. It was Paul, who bent to kiss her, murmuring, “Bon soir.” She relaxed, happy to see him, and he took her hand.

“I accompany you home?”

“Oui,” Lily responded. She felt completely different with Paul at her side. The touch of her hand against his felt good. She liked moving through Paris as a couple, even though she knew she should not let these sentiments root.

They boarded a train and found seats on a wooden bench across from an old woman. Paul still held Lily’s hand. The old woman observed them, a tiny smile on her wrinkled face. At the next station she rose, looked at Paul and Lily, and announced, “Vous faîtes un beau couple tout les deux.”

The woman disappeared into the crowd on the platform. Lily blushed, embarrassed, but Paul just giggled. Two ladies took the seats across from them. Lily gazed at them, thinking they looked familiar. The pale woman with very light hair caught Lily’s gaze and smiled. Something about her look held Lily, and in her mind she heard the voice she’d heard at the Crédit Municipal, saying again, “You’ll be fine.” Lily shook her head and the woman broke her gaze, turning to her friend to whisper something. Lily couldn’t see the other woman’s face underneath her large hat.

She glanced down at Paul’s hand on her thigh and squeezed it. Avoiding the eyes of the women across the way, Lily saw herself and Paul reflected in the dark screen of the metro window. She had to agree with the old woman’s comment. They did make a handsome couple. But she couldn’t keep this up. She would be leaving soon.

As the train slowed and pulled into another stop, Paul asked her if she had a good time at the Exposition.

“You can say that,” she said.

“I have not been there yet,” Paul said. “I would love to go with you. Would you accompany me one day?”

“Sure, why not? There’s a lot more to see.”

“Next Sunday is possible?”

Lily, who lived day by day since her arrival here, had no idea where she’d be on Sunday. But she agreed anyway.

“Yes, maybe.” She didn’t want to talk in the subway. The women across from her were engrossed in quiet conversation, but Lily still sensed they had an eye on her.

“Let’s change here,” exclaimed Paul.

They got off when the train shuddered to a stop. Down the hallway toward another line, the flow of passengers moved in both directions, forcing Lily to release Paul’s hand. Then she made sure to dodge the pedestrian traffic in the opposite direction of Paul, to avoid his hand. Yes, she loved the couple she had seen in the reflection. But she also remembered what she had decided at the Expo. She would not mess with Paul by allowing him to believe that anything could be possible between them. Even if every bit of her body and her senses told her otherwise, she would not. She put her hands in her jacket pockets even though it made walking awkward. And in the next train, she leaned against the window and kept her hands tucked away to avoid temptation.

“Ça va, Lily?”

“Ça va,” she said. “I’m a little tired.”

They said nothing more for the rest of the ride. Paul wore a hurt expression but gave her space. Lily cringed to think of the distance she was creating between them. A few steps from the bookstore Paul turned to Lily.

“I said something I should not?”

She shook her head.

“Then why are you so cold with me? What did I do?”

Lily dared not look at him, mumbling, “Nothing. I’m the problem.”

“How is that?”

“Listen, Paul. You and me, it’s impossible. We have no future together.”

“You say one thing, Lily. Your kisses yesterday, even your eyes at the Expo, say the opposite. Why you do this?”

“Because I do not want to hurt you, Paul. There will be no affair between us. That’s impossible. Because I’m going home soon.”

Paul shook his head, his mouth open in surprise. Lily felt her heart sink.

“Paul, you’re a nice guy, so helpful. I can never thank you enough for being there for me. You deserve to find happiness and I know you’ll make the right woman very happy.”

His eyes were red, as if he were going to cry. Lily glanced away. She couldn’t look at him. Doing so put her at risk of giving in, just to allay his sadness. He rallied and questioned her again.

“Tell me the truth, Lily. There’s another man in this, isn’t there? You don’t just become cold overnight for no reason. I want the truth! You met someone else, didn’t you? That’s why you went to the Exposition!”

“No, Paul. There is no other man, I swear!”

“I do not believe you, Lily. Not at all.” He gave her one last, fierce look and then stormed off.

“Paul!”

She tried to grab him but he eluded her. Lily watched him disappear around the corner. She slipped into the building’s entry and leaned against the closed door. Catching her breath in a jagged hiccup, she was suddenly in tears.