Authors: Jennifer Jamelli
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Women's Fiction, #Contemporary Women, #Romance, #Contemporary, #New Adult & College, #Romantic Comedy, #Contemporary Fiction, #Humor
Another shift change. I don’t recognize either of the voices that discuss me as though I’m not here.
Am I even here?
The first voice continues. “She is supposed to be getting a new therapist, but no one has come in yet. It’s not like she can talk, though, so I guess there’s no hurry.”
The other voice. “Unless she is waiting for the comfort of a counselor to ease herself back into consciousness.”
“She still calls for her old doctor in her sleep so maybe you are right. Maybe she really does need that new therapist to get here.”
Both voices are classic nurse voices. Quiet, gentle, soothing.
It sounds like nurse one is slightly behind me. Straightening up? Putting something into my IV? I can’t think about my IV.
Second voice again. “Maybe her old doctor will come in for a visit if the new person can’t make it.”
“I don’t think so. Her old therapist is Dr. Blake. Remember him? All of that stuff with his mother?”
“Yeah, I do. I’m surprised he even took this girl as a patient to begin with. I thought he wasn’t seeing people with his mom’s condition.”
“I know. Maybe he thought this one was different enough.”
“Well, I’m sure he did. Remember how crazy his mom was at the end? I think there were two failed suicide attempts, two stays here in the ICU before she took that bottle of medicine.”
“Oh yeah. I almost forgot about those false alarms. I had just started working here when she came in the first time. I remember having no idea what to say to her.”
“Remember—she kept counting and saying stuff about the music in her head?”
“Yes, that’s right.” Nurse voice number one is close to my bed now. Arranging my pillows? “Apparently, that is why she kept trying to kill herself. I overheard some doctors saying that she had some part of a song, some notes and chords stuck in her head constantly, playing over and over.”
“She killed herself over that?”
“Well, I guess she couldn’t concentrate on anything else because of it. So she couldn’t count properly, or finish her routines…she really lost it.”
“Wow. That’s really strange.”
Their voices are further away now, and I have to struggle to hear. I also have to struggle to stay awake.
Nurse one is talking again. “Alex, the nurse in the psych wing, you know her?”
“Yeah. The blonde?”
“Yep. She told me that Dr. Blake is all anti-medication now. I guess because he is the one who encouraged his mom to see someone who could prescribe meds. He feels responsible or something.”
Oh.
God.
The words “medicinal bandage” reverberate through my head. Over and over and over and over and over and—
“Alex also says there are rumors that he doesn’t listen to music now, that he has avoided it since she died.”
“Sounds like he needs a therapist as much as this one does.”
They continue talking about the phantom new therapist and paperwork, but I’m done listening. Back to unconsciousness.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME it is. Or how long I’ve been asleep.
I do know that I’m still in a hospital bed. I also know he’s here.
His magazine cologne fills the air. His hand is squeezing mine, sending familiar shivers up my arm. I think he’s talking to me, but his words are no more than a blurry whisper.
{And now George Michael with
“Careless Whisper.”
}
Stop, Callie. Focus. Hear him. Hear him. Hear him.
“—and I tried to stay away, but I had to, I had to come, Callie.”
His thumb is rubbing against my fingers. Back and forth, back and—
“It’s too much though. It’s too similar.”
You have no idea.
“I can’t stay, Callie.”
No, Aiden. You have to stay. I need—
“You are going to be fine. I’ve looked at your charts, and I’ve been communicating with your doctors. You will be just fine.”
No. No, I won’t be—
“And you’ll be better off this way. I’m such a mess. I can’t help you.”
Stop, Aiden. You can. You ha—
“I can’t help. It’s too similar, and I can’t think straight, and I—”
He pauses. He is moving. Standing. Leaving?
Eyes open now. Open now. OPEN NOW.
Nothing.
But I can smell his cologne so much better now. And I feel his breath on my cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Callie. I’ve only known you for about five seconds, but I could really feel it. Feel us. Feel everything…”
His lips are on my forehead. A soft brush of a kiss.
Before I know it, his lips are gone. His hand has let go of mine, and my blanket is pulled up over my arm, over my IV. And then nothing.
My eyes will not open. My mouth won’t move. But my ears are working harder than ever.
A few almost inaudible footsteps. The slow, gentle click of the door.
And I know he’s gone.
Chapter 26
would have been day eleven
I’M GOING HOME TODAY. WELL, I’m going back to my house anyway. I have strict instructions to rest for an entire week. No classes. No work. No other plans to worry about.
I think I woke up completely at some point on Saturday. The next thirty-some hours were a mess of questions and tests and doctors and medical instruments.
Family. And no one else.
I’m going home today, but I know it won’t feel that way.
I’m returning to my empty room. My scheduled routines. My hours of thinking. The comforts of my old life…
{Here is Dionne Warwick with
“A House is Not a Home.”
}
Chapter 27
day twelve
My last scheduled day of treatment.
No therapy.
No medication.
No him.
No better at all.
{Sing it, Damien.}
Snippets of Callie’s Head Radio
(only the songs mentioned by Callie)
1.) “I’ll Stand by You” by the Pretenders (Hynde, Kelly, and Steinberg/1994)
2.) “Fly Me to the Moon” by Frank Sinatra (Howard/1954)
3.) “The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles (McCartney/1970)
4.) “The Blower’s Daughter” by Damien Rice (Rice/2001)
5.) “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day (Armstrong/2004)
6.) “Love is Strange” by Mickey & Sylvia (Baker and Vanderpool/1956)
7.) “In Da Club” by 50 Cent (50 Cent, Dr. Dre, and Elizondo/2003)
8.) “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha (Benny Blanco, Dr. Luke, and Ke$ha/2009)
9.) “Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)” by Phil Collins (Collins/1983)
10.) “The Long and Winding Road” by The Beatles (McCartney/1970)
11.) “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne (Lavigne, Christy, Spock, and Edwards/2002)
12.) “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston (Foster and Thompson/1993)
13.) “Sunday Bloody Sunday” by U2 (Bono and The Edge/1983)
14.) “Blowin’ in the Wind” by Bob Dylan (Dylan/1962)
15.) “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani (Stefani, Williams, and Hugo/2004)
16.) “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child (B. Knowles, Dent, and M. Knowles/2001)
17.) “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor (Perren and Fekaris/1978)
18.) “Killing Me Softly with His Song” by Roberta Flack (Fox and Gimbel/1973)
19.) “Killing Me Softly” by Fugees (Fox and Gimbel/1996)
20.) “Man of Constant Sorrow” by Soggy Bottom Boys (Burnett/1913)
21.) “Smooth Criminal” by Michael Jackson (Jackson/1988)
22.) “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler (Steinman/1983)
23.) “…Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears (Martin/1998)
24.) “Paparazzi” by Lady Gaga (Fusari and Gaga/2009)
25.) “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel (Simon/1964)
26.) “Feels Like Home” by Chantal Kreviazuk (Newman/1995)
27.) “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley (Cohen/1984)
28.) “My Way” by Frank Sinatra (Anka/1969)
29.) “Rhythm of the Night” by Debarge (Warren/1985)
30.) “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven (Finger Eleven/2007)
31.) “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen (Jepsen, Ramsay, and Crowe/2011)
32.) “Beautiful Disaster” by Kelly Clarkson (Jordan and Wilder/2003)
33.) “California Gurls” by Katy Perry (Broadus, Gottwald, Martin, McKee, and Perry/2010)
34.) “This is the Moment” by Robert Cuccioli (Wildhorn and Bricusse/1990)
35.) “The Rose” by Bette Midler (McBroom/1979)
36.) “Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog (Williams and Ascher/1979)
37.) “Movin’ Right Along” by Kermit the Frog & Fozzie Bear (Williams and Ascher/1979)
38.) “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot (Sir Mix-a-Lot/1992)
39.) “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye (de Backer/2011)
40.) “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M (Stipe, Mills, Buck, and Berry/1992)
41.) “The Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars (Mars, Lawrence, Levine, and K’naan/2011)
42.) “Cheeseburger in Paradise” by Jimmy Buffett (Buffett/1978)
43.) “Milkshake” by Kelis (Hugo and Williams/2003)
44.) “Honesty” by Billy Joel (Joel/1978)
45.) “Sway” by Michael Bublé (Ruiz & Gimbel/1954/2004)
46.) “Breathe” by Faith Hill (Bentley and Lamar/1999)
47.) “Someone to Watch over Me” (Gershwin/1926)
48.) “Porn Star Dancing” by My Darkest Days (My Darkest Days/2010)
49.) “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly (Kelly/2002)
50.) “When You Say Nothing at All” by Alison Krauss (Overstreet and Schlitz/1998/1995)
51.) “Hello” by Lionel Richie (Richie/1984)
52.) “What Would Happen” by Meredith Brooks (Brooks/1998)
53.) “So Far Away” by Rod Stewart (King/1971)
54.) “The Story” by Brandi Carlile (Hanseroth/2007)
55.) “I Hear a Symphony” by The Supremes (Holland-Dozier-Holland/1965)
56.) “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles (Lennon and McCartney/1966)
57.) “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley (James/1969)
58.) “Amanda” by Boston (Scholz/1986)
59.) “Careless Whisper” by George Michael (Michael and Ridgeley/1984)
60.) “A House is Not a Home” by Dionne Warwick (Bacharach and David/1964)
About the Author
Jennifer Jamelli has spent most of her life reading and writing; she holds both a Bachelor of Arts and a Master of Arts in English, and she is an 8th grade English teacher.
She also directs a musical production each school year. Her most recent show was Beauty and the Beast.
Jennifer lives with her husband and her four-year-old son.
She, like the main character in her debut novel, has a rather hopeless case of OCD.
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