Cheryl: My Story (23 page)

‘I can’t do this,’ I said when he started to sing. His audition wasn’t going well, and I felt like I was having a panic attack. I just knew I was not going to be able to say those words: ‘It’s a “no” from me.’ It seemed so wrong, having once been on the other side with him, so I refused to vote. Simon was fine about it afterwards, because of course any drama was good for ratings, but that was something else I was too naïve to have worked out back then.

Once I got to know Simon a bit better I’d actually beg him not to make me be the one to say ‘no’. ‘It makes me die a little bit inside,’ I’d plead.

‘Sorry, Cheryl, it’s all part of the show.’

‘But you don’t mind saying “no”. In fact you enjoy it!’

‘So-rry.’

The only acts I didn’t having any problem saying ‘no’ to were the 14-year-olds. I didn’t care how good they were, I considered them too vulnerable for the industry at that age and would point out what happened to Britney Spears and Michael Jackson to anyone who argued with me, Simon included.

‘Come back when you’re 16 and you’ll have more experience,’ I said to each and every one, and I’m pleased to say the entry age was raised to 16 for the next series because of me.

Another audition that sticks in my mind is the one by two Welsh boys, Ant & Seb, who came to see us in Cardiff. They told us they compared themselves to P. Diddy and Usher, with Rick Astley thrown in, so I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be good. My instinct was right. Their version of ‘Mysterious Girl’ turned out to be hilariously bad, with one of the boys throwing the odd random word in while the other sang. Me, Simon and Louis all got the giggles and I swear I hadn’t laughed so much in a long, long time.

I was quickly finding out that life on the judging panel was an emotional rollercoaster, although I seemed to be affected much more than the other judges. No sooner had I stopped giggling about something than I’d be crying my eyes out when an act tugged at my heartstrings. This happened in a big way when Daniel Evans first auditioned. He’d just lost his wife and had a teeny baby, and I found it incredibly distressing to hear him sing. He chose ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ and I just couldn’t stop the tears pouring down my cheeks, because it was like he was singing directly to his wife.

I felt a real connection to him, and looking back it was probably because of what I was going through with Ashley at the time. Even though the allegations were a good six months behind us, it was like I was experiencing a sort of mourning process, grieving for the marriage we used to have, while at the same time trying to resurrect it. I can’t describe it in a better way. Something had died in my life, and I was trying my best to revive it and carry on.

I couldn’t even say ‘yes’ to Daniel when he finished his audition because I was crying so much, so I just had to nod my head to give him my vote as I sniffed and dried my eyes.

I got to know Simon quickly. He was true to his word and did guide me through as he’d promised. We took cigarette breaks together and he’d talk to me about things I knew nothing about, like the production side of the show. He got off on the incredible amount of power he has and was in his element playing the big ‘I am’ television executive, but he has such a cheeky way about him too that I couldn’t help liking him.

One of the first things I learned about Simon is how ridiculously vain he is. The very first time we took a break together, at the Birmingham auditions, Simon spent the whole time looking over my shoulder. I had my back to the building, and it took me a while to realise that he was actually looking at himself the whole time we were talking, because the building had reflective walls. I took the mickey out of him when I realised what he was doing, but he didn’t care and thought it was funny. It was such an unexpected, immature thing for a man in his position to do. I’ve always been fascinated by people with interesting characters, and I was definitely intrigued by Simon.

‘You are literally one of the best people I’ve worked with, and I don’t say that lightly,’ Simon told me one day.

The edited auditions had started to be shown on TV, and it felt like the whole country had gone completely
X Factor
crazy. The show – and my part in it – was being written about and talked about everywhere, which completely took me by surprise. I was used to the documentaries and chat shows I’d done in the past being written about in the press, but most of my television experience consisted of going on promo with the girls and on
Top of the Pops
, and nobody ever wrote about that.

‘So how do you feel being part of the show?’ Simon asked. ‘Aren’t you glad you listened to me?’

‘I don’t really know,’ I shrugged.

‘You should be. Everyone loves you. You’re a star. Well done!’

When I watched the audition shows myself for the first time I was surprised to see that I was being filmed even when I wasn’t talking. In my naïvety I’d imagined the camera would only be on me when it was my turn to speak, and yet there I was whispering to Louis or giggling about something with Simon. According to Simon that was all part of my appeal. I was a natural, apparently, and that’s why people had warmed to me. They loved the fact I wore my heart on my sleeve and wasn’t afraid to show how I really felt, whichever emotion that was. ‘You’re doing what they’re all doing at home,’ Simon said. ‘That’s why you’re such a hit.’

On a professional level I worked well with Dannii, but we didn’t spend time one on one. There was no common ground at all. We were from different generations and both into totally different clothes and music. She’s a child star from a showbiz family, so we certainly couldn’t relate to each other’s background either.

‘What problems could you possibly have by the age of 25?’ she commented during one audition, when the contestant had talked about some personal problems. I can’t remember what the guy had said, but if Dannii had had a spare couple of hours – or days, even – I could certainly have enlightened her. I was only 25 myself.

There was a lot of gossip about Dannii’s relationship with Simon. It was the reason Sharon left, so I heard, but I didn’t take any notice. I didn’t have the time to waste talking about it, and whenever I saw Dannii and Simon flirting with each other I turned a blind eye. I’m surprised Simon has since talked about it in his unofficial biography; he’s a person who hates disloyalty.

Before the live shows started I went on Net-a-Porter.com and bought myself some dresses. I was responsible for my own styling, and so I also asked my friend Lisa, who had worked with Girls Aloud for years, to do my hair and help me with my make-up. It was at this point that I also asked the other girls if I could take Lily England out of the office. She was working as a PA to all five of us, but it had reached the point where I needed full-time help. The girls agreed to find somebody else, and Lily came to work exclusively for me.

I hadn’t realised how all-consuming
The X Factor
would be. I’d imagined a few weeks of auditions and boot camp here, a short trip away for judges’ houses and then the live shows. It was obvious the ‘lives’ would be hard work, but I’d totally underestimated the rest of it. I had absolutely no idea how mentally and physically demanding it would be just looking after my acts, helping with song choices and dealing with their personal dramas, week in week out, so when Lily came on board to help organise
my
life, she was a total lifesaver.

I always gave myself two hours to get ready, but Simon had the dressing room next door and would be relentlessly calling for me. He was the boss and so I couldn’t ever refuse, even if I was in a tracksuit and slippers with rollers in my hair and mascara on one eye.

‘Nice,’ Simon would say cheekily, eyeing me up and down.

‘I think
she
looks awful, though. You need to change the outfit.’ This was a typical criticism of his, directed at one of my girls. I had Alexandra Burke, Diana Vickers and Laura White in my final three and I was fiercely protective of all my acts. By that stage, having gone through boot camp and judges’ houses together, we’d formed a strong bond and things were incredibly intense.

I was super sensitive to anything anybody said about my girls, to the point where Ashley would say to me when I got home, ‘You shouldn’t invest so much, babe,’ because I was always emotionally wrung out. Ashley loved the show and thought it was great I was doing it. He told me that his mates all said, ‘We love your missus on
The X Factor
,
’ which made him proud, but he could see it was taking a lot out of me.

‘I know what you’re saying,’ I’d tell him when I got home feeling absolutely wiped out. ‘But I know what it’s like being left to fend for yourself. I’m seeing this through. I’m not doing what Louis did with Girls Aloud – I’m supporting my girls one hundred per cent.’

As I got to know Simon even better and the final got closer, I started answering him back more. If he had a last-minute go at me about song choices it really did my head in, because he’d usually known about them for most of the week.

‘Why are you leaving it until now to say this to me?’ I’d ask.

Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy I was so strung out, and Simon started this joke about me being like a puppy dog with big wet eyes.

‘Come here then,’ he’d tease, patting his thighs with the palms of his hands, like you do when you call a little puppy. ‘Come here!’

He was so cheeky, but I just used to laugh it off. Nobody else could have got away with it, but Simon did.

‘Why tell me this now? Why don’t you just save it for the show?’ I’d tell him as I flounced out of his dressing room in my fluffy slippers. I sometimes did that on purpose when I was genuinely panicking about not having enough time to get ready. Simon loved all that, and Louis would see me flapping in the corridor and burst out laughing. ‘They should just film backstage, it’d make a better show,’ he always said.

Louis was probably right. Simon’s dressing room alone would have provided hours of gripping reality television. He had assistants bringing him all kinds of health juices and tablets and he’d sit there laughing at cartoons like a little boy one minute then gazing at himself in the mirror the next.

‘I can’t believe how vain you are, Simon,’ I’d tease, but really I was gobsmacked by how this ridiculously wealthy and powerful man could be so fixated by appearances.

‘Did you know they all liked Dannii’s dress better than yours last week?’ he’d snipe.

‘And?’ I’d reply. ‘I’m not here for what the tabloids and magazines think about who had the best dress on. I’m here to find new talent and mentor the acts, remember?’

I honestly didn’t care about all that ‘battle of the babes’ rubbish. There was far too much going on in my life for me to be poring over magazines, seeing who had a tick and who had a cross over her frock each week.

Simon always had women all over his dressing room, hanging off every part of his suit. Some of them I didn’t recognise, but I got to know the more familiar faces like Sinitta, Jackie St Clair, Terri Seymour and Mezhgan Hussainy. They were Simon’s girlfriends of the past, present and future. I really didn’t pay much attention to who was currently ‘the one’, and by the same token Simon very rarely asked me about Ashley. He might occasionally say, ‘How’s Ashley?’ and that was literally as far as it went. He never, ever talked to me about my relationship and he certainly never tried to give me any advice – he knows I’d have told him where to go.

Actually, Simon started to ask
me
for advice, all the time, but only ever about work. He wanted to know what I thought of the set and the show’s format, and what could be improved. I think he liked the fact I was looking through fresh eyes, and I always told him straight. ‘That part of the set looks cheap, I don’t like it,’ I’d say, and the next thing I knew it would be gone, replaced by something bigger and better. ‘I think we should have Beyoncé on,’ I also said, and then I couldn’t believe it when she was actually booked, and I was going to meet one of my all-time idols.

On the day of the final, in December 2008, I was a complete and utter emotional wreck. Beyoncé was going to sing with Alexandra, and I was totally starstruck when I got to meet her. I’d been in the business for six years by now and was used to seeing a lot of famous people. I never really got excited by it any more, but Beyoncé was different. I used to sing along to Destiny’s Child on repeat in my bedroom, and this was the woman I took inspiration from, so much so I’d bleached my hair blonde as a teenager.

Beyoncé has a star aura and an incredible presence and when we were introduced I can’t remember a thing we said to each other. When she did her sound check with Alex I started crying and didn’t really stop for the rest of the day. I could see how overwhelmed Alex was too, and I knew exactly how she felt. It was a huge, huge moment for the both of us.

As we waited for the final result, with Louis and his group, JLS, on the stage beside us, I was shaking as much as Alex. It was exactly like waiting for Davina to announce the members of Girls Aloud back in 2002. I looked at Alex’s anxious face and it was like looking into a mirror. That was me, six years earlier, and it was also like looking at a reflection of myself in that exact moment too, because I was sharing every emotion, every wave of nervous excitement and rush of adrenalin that Alex was experiencing.

The second she was announced as the winner I felt her body drop and I literally pulled her back to her feet. We were both absolutely euphoric, and Alex was so shocked she could barely speak. It was just the best, and I went backstage and cried my eyes out, sobbing more than I ever did on
Popstars
.