Chilled (A Bone Secrets Novel) (29 page)

“Because you’re not scared of anything?”

His eyes pinned her. “No. Because there are too many.”

She blinked.

Not the masculine answer she’d expected.

“What are you afraid of?”

He ran his hand through his hair again. “I don’t know where to start. But I guess I’m not afraid of dying. Not anymore. Been there, done that.”

She studied his face. He was completely serious.

“I’m not afraid of things happening to me. I get more tense, nervous when I think of things happening to the people around me.” He glanced over his shoulder toward Ryan. Brynn could see the sleeping man’s boots sticking out from under one of the thin blankets. She brought her gaze back to Alex as he spoke. “I’m more afraid of what you and he will suffer if we’re never found out here. I don’t care about what happens to me.”

A subtle look of shock crossed his face, and she realized the words had surprised him as much as her.

The words had stumbled out of Alex’s mouth before he’d had time to consider them. But they were true. He didn’t want his new friends to suffer. Especially from an incident he might have caused. He wasn’t guiding Besand’s hand, but the killer had definitely reacted to Alex’s presence; therefore, he’d put his friends in danger.

“We’re perfectly capable of hiking out of here when the weather clears. We don’t have to wait for someone to come find us.”

“I know that.” And he did. “It’s more…” He didn’t know how to say it.

Brynn cocked her head in a movement like Kiana. “You’re afraid you’ve brought us into Besand’s range of interest.”

He exhaled. She’d nailed it. “Yes.”

He’d seen firsthand the horrific pain Besand could inflict on a person holding his interest. He’d seen the autopsy photos and heard the descriptions directly from Besand’s mouth. He’d told the stories with a calm detachment that scared Alex more than the words themselves. Besand simply liked to hurt people. Alex was an anomaly for him. He could hurt Alex without touching him. Besand simply opened his mouth to speak and Alex felt pain.

He didn’t want that for Brynn. Besand would take his time with her, wrench as much pleasure from her physical pain as possible. Alex’s chest grew hot and his fingers clenched on his thighs. He remembered how the skin of her face had felt when he’d touched her that morning as she slept. If Alex had his way, Besand would never touch that silkiness.

Possessiveness landed on his back like iron weight.

“You can’t control what he does.”

“Yes, I can.”

Brynn jerked like the words had stung her. “You’d kill him.”

Alex looked at his hands; his knuckles were white as he squeezed them together. “I didn’t say that.” But he wasn’t saying he wouldn’t. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He didn’t know if they’d even cross paths. If they did, what would his gut tell him to do? He’d had satisfying dreams where he choked the life out of Besand, but a frail voice in his head told him it wouldn’t be the same in real life. Could he attack with intent to kill? On the offensive, not the defensive?

“You don’t sound like law enforcement.” There was a question in her words, and in her eyes he saw caution, a watchfulness. Like she would bolt if she didn’t care for his answer.

“I’m not.” He held her gaze.
Don’t run from me.

She nodded slowly, prudence still on her face. She was reserving judgment. For now. “Jim let something slip. And Ryan got a confusing message from base camp. Collins said that you weren’t a marshal. We didn’t know what to think.” Her voice dropped into a whisper. “We didn’t want to believe it.”

She’d said “we,” but he knew she meant “I.”

“I was. I was a deputy marshal for fifteen years. I walked away from it.”

“Why?”

Meaningless words pushed at his lips, but he bit them back. She didn’t need the story softened. She deserved the truth. “I assaulted my boss about a year ago. It was more of an accident really, but I hurt him pretty bad. I’m lucky he didn’t press charges.”

Brynn blinked a few times and sat a little straighter, but she didn’t look too surprised and that disturbed him. Did he seem like someone who would hurt his boss?

“They fired me, but I’d already decided to never go back,” he clarified.

“Why did you attack your boss?” Her voice was quieter but not upset. She didn’t speak to him like he was the stinking liar he had been since meeting her. She sounded simply curious and her gaze raked his face, searching for something.

Alex tried to swallow. No more lies. Not with her. “Because he was giving Darrin Besand preferential treatment. Not handling him the way a killer should be handled. We’d moved the guy several times. Besand was facing charges in several states for his murders, and my boss would transport him like he was a ninety-eight-pound accountant with sticky fingers. Like he’d wanted the guy to be able to bust out. One time Besand attacked the marshal escorting him and he would’ve escaped if the pilot hadn’t taken him down. The pilot and plane were a private lease, like this one. We were lucky the pilot was a big physical guy with a military background.”

“Didn’t your boss believe Besand was dangerous?”

Alex paused. “That’s what I thought at first.”

“But?”

“I don’t know.” He turned in his chair to look deliberately back at Ryan again. Alex was done with the topic. He didn’t want to voice his thoughts on Besand and Paul Whittenhall. He had no proof, just hearsay. And his own gut reaction.

Brynn sat silently for a long moment, still watching him with sharp eyes. “Ryan said you guarded federal judges.”

“I did. Then I moved into prisoner transport.”

The silence stretched between them. Alex’s mind whirled as she waited for him to explain why he’d switched. This had been one of Monica’s biggest complaints. He hadn’t talked to her. He’d answer her questions, but he’d never let her know what he was
feeling.

Brynn didn’t want to know how he felt, he told himself. She was simply making conversation, finding out about the person she’d been in the wilderness with for the last three days.

Why was it so hard to talk about himself?

“I did prisoner transport for three years. I’ve ridden in a lot of little planes just like this one. It’s a little more physical and more interesting than guarding the judges. I liked it better.”

“But you weren’t wild about your boss.” It was said with a touch of sarcasm and one of her lovely smiles.

He met her brown eyes and felt the room warm a degree. “He was a jerk long before I stabbed him.”

“Christ. You stabbed him? When you said you assaulted him I assumed you punched him. What did you stab him with?” Her jaw dropped, her lips opened, showing perfect white teeth as her eyes widened.

“I didn’t mean to stab him. It just happened.” Even to him the words sounded lame. “And it was with a letter opener.”

Her mouth snapped closed. She smiled and then broke into a grin, and he knew she was about to laugh. “A letter opener? Seriously? That’s like a bad movie.”

He had to smile back. “It was on his desk. I guess I picked it up while I was yelling at him. I don’t even remember doing it. Then he sort of walked into it. Well, I’d sort of swung it as he sort of walked into it.”

She laughed and the sound was like sunshine in the plane. “How’d that explanation go over with your superiors?”

He grimaced. “I don’t know. I never went to the hearing. I just quit instead.”

He’d always wondered why Whittenhall let it go. Whittenhall wasn’t the type to let someone stab him and walk away. He was more of a hunt-you-down-and-stab-you-in-the-back-for-revenge type of guy. Whittenhall’s silence was one more strike against him in Alex’s suspicion book.

“So, this is entirely personal. You’re not here on behalf of the marshals’ office to see to your fellow deputy or recapture an escaped convict. You’re here to make sure Darrin Besand doesn’t escape.”

“Linus was my friend,” he stated quietly. “I told the truth about that. And I’m going to see his family when this is through. Besand isn’t going to walk out of these woods by himself. Either the forest will stop him or I will be on his back.”

“And nothing will stop you from achieving this goal.”

Alex paused a half beat. “I thought that at first. Your team was my means to an end. I was going to take everything you guys could give me to reach this plane.”

“And now?” Her question was quiet but loaded.

“I feel a responsibility to four people I’d never met before.” He held her gaze. “Your safety is now a priority over finding Besand.”

“Do you think he’ll kill again?”

“I know he will.”

“I know he is an evil person,” Brynn said slowly. “But your interest in him… seems more personal than someone trying to right a wrong. Several wrongs. Maybe your boss wasn’t giving him the correct type of transportation details, but…I don’t understand—”

“He killed my brother.”

In the poor light he saw her face pale, and she sucked air into her mouth. Her voice quivered slightly. “I knew there was more. From the very beginning you’ve been so driven. At first I thought you were just intent on doing your job. Then I thought it was because of the marshal on the plane.”

Alex felt like he was covered in a thick sheet of slime. He’d used her and the other men. “I was driven. I still am. Samuel was the only family I had left and Besand took that away from me. He killed my brother to cover up his murder of another woman. Samuel had seen the killing but didn’t understand.”

“What do you mean he didn’t understand?”

Alex swallowed hard and held her puzzled gaze. “Samuel was a boy inside a man’s body. He was mentally disabled. Something happened at his birth and he didn’t get enough oxygen. He had to rely on the help of others to live in society.

“I wanted him to live with me. But my wife refused. She didn’t want him in our house.”

“That’s a lot to ask of someone,” Brynn whispered. “You obviously loved him dearly. It must have ripped you apart to realize your wife couldn’t do the same.”

“You could have done it,” he said softly.

Brynn gave a small gasp as her head jerked.

“Forget I said that. That wasn’t fair.”

She shook her head. “You can’t play ‘what-if.’ I don’t know how it would have been and you don’t know either.” She focused on the wall of ice in front of them as he mentally kicked himself in the ass.

“It was stupid for me to try to blame her when I know that it was my fault he was in the care home where Besand got to him.”

“Was it a good home? Was he happy there?” She looked at him closely.

Alex gave a half smile. “It was a good place. They took him on outings and let him tend the roses and garden. It was like living with wonderful grandparents, and Samuel was happy.”

“Then you can’t be blaming yourself. If he’d lived with you, would you have been home all day to entertain him? Or would you have been at work till late at night? Would you have cooked all his meals and read to him? Stretched his brain and broadened his view of his tiny world? Or would he have been watching TV all day, waiting for you to come home?”

Alex looked down at his hands. She’d said what he’d thought a million times. But it sounded better coming from her mouth. More truthful.

“Sometimes we need to let others do things for us. Because they can do it better. No matter how much it hurts or how accountable you feel.” She gave a sad smile. “When I moved in with Jim’s in-laws, I was a very independent teen. I was used to doing everything for myself. Cooking, buying clothing, getting myself to school. The first day that Anna’s mom packed my school lunch, I nearly cried. I’d been up late studying and overslept and was about to miss the bus. I was going to have to skip lunch, but she saw my need and took care of it. It was so hard to allow myself to lean on them. All my life I’d only had myself to rely on. It took me awhile to realize I could do better in school if I let her parents take care of parts of my life.

“Plus, they liked doing it. At first I couldn’t see that. But then I realized they took in foster kids because they knew they had the love to offer. Were the people at Samuel’s home good people?”

“The best,” Alex said softly. “But I hated them for hiring Besand.”

“He
worked
there? That’s how he came in contact with your brother?”

Alex nodded, not trusting his voice.

“Oh, how guilty they must have felt.”

Alex shut his eyes. He’d heaped a lot of blame on the Maxwells that he shouldn’t have. It was easy to focus his anger on them. He’d never accepted their apologies. He could still see Kathy Maxwell’s tears at Samuel’s funeral. He’d compounded their guilt by hating and blaming them.

Brynn saw his shoulders droop. “You held them responsible.”

Alex didn’t say anything.

“They knew the pain you were going through, Alex. They couldn’t have missed it. It’s written all over your damned face. If those people are as wonderful as you say, then they understand.”

“I couldn’t face them. It was easier to hate them. I’ll talk to them when I go back. I can see it differently now. And…” Could he tell her? It took all his energy to turn his gaze to her and meet her eyes. “I couldn’t face myself. I hid. I hid in gallons of hard alcohol and antianxiety and pain meds. I used them to avoid thinking, avoid facing what had happened.”

She studied his face. “You didn’t bring them with you out here.”

He shook his head.

“Some days I wanted to take them to meet with Besand too. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him.”

“The same room? You went to see him?” She leaned forward, scanning his face.

“He’d tell me things he wouldn’t tell the detectives. He told me where to find missing victims and how he killed some of them.”

“In detail?”

“Too much detail.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“For the other families of his victims. I wanted to spare them any pain I could.”

“It was your atonement for placing your brother in Besand’s path. And in return that murderer filled your heart and brain with his poison,” she whispered.

“I can become clean with one stroke.” Even he heard the hatred in his voice.