Christmas Delights 3 (46 page)

Sebastian laughed. “Screw ‘em!” He spun them around again
before dropping Noel on his feet. “We’re goin’ to Russo’s to celebrate! C’mon!”
Sebastian grabbed his hand and pulled him along. Sebastian didn’t care what
people thought. He was always so damn carefree.

After a night of celebration, he and Sebastian went back to
Sebastian’s apartment. His parents were out of town. As usual. Sebastian popped
the tops on a couple of beers and handed one to him. They sat on the den floor,
laughed about the win, and tried to outwit each other playing video games until
the wee hours of the morning. Then Sebastian kissed him. Their sex was clumsy
and imperfect as first times tend to be, but Sebastian became Noel’s whole
world that night.

It was awkward seeing each other the next morning in school,
but by the end of the day, they were back to their usual banter. They walked
home after school, Olivia between them, as they did every afternoon until
Olivia veered off to go to her afternoon job delivering groceries. Sebastian and
Noel stared at each other for an uncomfortable moment, then continued the
journey to Sebastian’s apartment.

They stood at the bottom of the steps leading up to
Sebastian’s tenement. Another awkward moment.

“See you tomorrow,” Noel said softly and turned to go.

Sebastian caught his hand. “Stay.”

Noel shifted uncomfortably on his feet. “Listen, Sebastian,
I—”

“Don’t over-think it, Noel. Just... we care about each
other. Just leave it at that.”

Noel nodded once before following Sebastian up the steps.

Their stolen moments had been glorious after that.

“Noel!” Olivia shouted across the cafeteria. “Come here!”

Noel trotted across the room. “What, O? I gotta get
something to eat.”

“Look!” Olivia held a delicate silver chain up in front of
him. At the end of it hung Sebastian’s class ring. “We’re gonna get married
after we graduate!”

Sebastian walked up and looked from Noel to Olivia, and back
again, his face turning as white as a sheet as realization set in. Noel ran
from the cafeteria and never looked back. To say he dealt with the devastation
poorly would be an understatement. He got drunk the night after graduation and
drove into an oncoming semi-truck in a failed attempt at suicide.

~*~

“No!” Noel cried out as he shot up from the couch.

His pulse raced, his heart beat in his throat, and ancient,
familiar tears stung his eyes.
Shit. Nothing more than a dream. Calm down.
He fell back on the couch and tried to force the pain away. It was hopeless.
How, after twelve years, he hadn’t gotten over Sebastian, he still didn’t know.
“Shit,” he said softly as he sat up. The evening had set in leaving him in the
dark of his apartment, only the dim illumination of the city lighting the room.
He rubbed sleep from his eyes and looked at his Louis Moinet. The delicate tips
of the hands glowed telling him it was almost eight.

He wrestled with the idea of going to Olivia’s party. There
was no way he could face Sebastian and had forgotten to ask if he’d be there.
He retrieved his cell phone and made to call, then remembered the number was
blocked. “Shit.”

He rose from the couch and headed to the bedroom to change
clothes.

He asked himself if he’d lost his mind as he walked down 6th
Avenue toward Olivia’s building. What would he do if Sebastian were there? He’d
run. One of the most powerful men on Wall Street, yet he couldn’t face his
ex-best friend and lover.
Perfect
.

The doorman welcomed him with a cheery Christmas greeting
and took his name. After a quick check in the computer, he admitted Noel and
keyed the private penthouse elevator for him.

“Which direction?” he asked the doorman.

“It’s a private elevator, sir. The doors will open to their
private foyer.”

He knew Sebastian was a successful architect, he simply
hadn’t realized how successful. But then, he hadn’t followed his career.
Deliberately.

The silent elevator came to a slow stop, and he breathed in
courage as the doors opened to raucous merriment. Before he knew it, Olivia had
nearly tackled him in a fierce hug. It felt good—far better than he expected—and
he smiled down at her. “Hello, Olivia.”

“Oh, Noey, I’m so glad you came! You’re the best Christmas
present I could have hoped for! It’s so great to see you!”

“It’s wonderful to see you too.”

There was an awkward moment before she whispered, “The
answer to your unasked question is ‘yes.’”

He slowly withdrew from her arms. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. He misses you as much as I do.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry, O.” He reached for the elevator call
button and the doors silently slid open.

“Oh, Noey,
please
don’t go.”

He stepped into the elevator and turned back to her. “I’m
sorry. It was great to see you. Call after the New Year and we’ll get
together.” The doors slid closed and he descended in silence, tears pricking
his eyes.

He cleared his throat as he stepped off the elevator and bid
the doorman good night. It was all he could do to make it to the sidewalk
before he burst into tears. “Thirty fucking years old and you’re crying on the
sidewalk,” he muttered to himself as he withdrew a silk handkerchief and wiped
his eyes. He all but ran back to his apartment building. “You’re absolutely
spineless underneath it all, you dumb bastard.”

Closing the front door behind him quietly, he kicked off his
shoes and padded to the kitchen in socked feet. He retrieved a glass from a
cabinet and turned on the tap. As water filtered through the Brita, he thought
he heard a knock at the door. He turned the tap off and listened intently.
Nothing
.
He turned the tap on again and watched the ultra-filtered water sparkle as it
filled the tall crystal glass. Again the sound of a knock. He turned the water
off.

Sipping water as he crossed the expanse of his finely
furnished living room, he went to the front door. He looked through the
peephole and saw nothing. He reached for the house phone against the wall.

“Merry Christmas, Mr. Sauvageau! What may we do for you this
evening?” The valet’s voice was entirely too chipper.

“Did you send someone up?”

“No, sir. We wouldn’t have without calling you first. Why do
you ask?”

“I thought I heard a knock at my door. It’s nothing. Thank
you.”

He placed the receiver in its cradle, padded to the couch,
and plopped down. His mind turned to unbidden memories. Sebastian’s touch, the
feel of Sebastian’s skin, their nakedness sparing no distance between them. The
feel of Sebastian inside him— This time he was certain he heard a knock at the
door. He set the glass on the table and stood, wondering if some lunatic had
gotten into the building.

He returned to the front door and checked the peephole yet
again. There, outside
his
door, was Sebastian Croft. He quickly
withdrew. He felt sick. Lightheaded.
Unbelievable
. He checked the
peephole again. Sebastian paced, his concentrated expression clearly reflecting
nervousness and...
fear
. He’d never known Sebastian to be afraid of
anything. How’d he get up here? More importantly, what in
hell
was he
doing
here
?

Irritated, he withdrew and reached for the house phone
again.

“Merry Christmas, Mr. Sauvageau! What may we do for you this
evening?”

The valet’s voice was still entirely too chipper. “Are you
certain that you didn’t send someone up?”

“Yes, sir! We wouldn’t have done so without your permission.
Sir? Are you concerned? Shall I send security up?”

“No, no. Thank you. Merry Christmas.” He placed the phone in
its cradle once more and checked the peephole again. There he was. Large as
life. Right outside his door.
How in hell did you get up here, Sebastian?

Sebastian turned and rapped on the door firmly this time,
and looked at the peephole as if he knew Noel watched him.

Shit
. Noel thought about ignoring the knock and going
to bed, but something compelled him to unlock the door. He took a deep breath,
and opened it.

They stared at each other for an inordinately long moment.

Sebastian’s blue eyes were sharp and clear, determination
plain on his face. “I had to come. O said you left once you found out I was
there.”

Noel fought the anger that threatened to overwhelm him.
“What do you want, Sebastian?”

“Can we talk?”

Noel couldn’t prevent an unbecoming gape. “No.”

He went to close the door and Sebastian stopped it with his
finely shod foot. “Please.”

“Dammit, Sebastian, what do you want?” he asked again.

“To talk.”

For the second time in a matter of moments, Noel fought to
keep his jaw from hitting the floor. “Don’t be ridiculous. Move your fo—”

“Noel, please!” Sebastian set his palm flat against the door
in a further effort to prevent its closing. “Please. I just want... I have to
know.”

Noel shook his head, half wanting to yell at Sebastian, half
wanting to fall into his arms. He wanted to stomp his feelings into the ground.
He wanted to deny they ever existed. “Know what, Sebastian?”

“Did you ever love me?”

Fury infused Noel. “Move your damn foot before I call
security. And go home, Sebastian!”

“You did, didn’t you?”

Noel melted when he saw the plea in Sebastian’s eyes and he
hated that Sebastian could still do this to him after twelve years apart. He
looked away, barely able to contain his fury. “How dare you ask,” he said
softly.

“Let me in.” Pregnant pause. “Please,” he begged.

Noel turned back to him. This wasn’t the carefree Sebastian
he’d known. The man who stood before him was an obviously disheveled,
sleep-deprived man who was far thinner than he remembered. Sebastian looked
lost, as if his confidence had fled him entirely. Noel fought the profound love
he still felt. No matter what he did over the years, it hadn’t left him, hadn’t
ebbed one iota. He wanted to rail against it, all while wanting nothing more
than to feel Sebastian’s arms around him once more. He stood there, vacillating
between slamming the door and opening it wide.

“I still love you, Noel. Please let me in,” Sebastian
pleaded again.

His heart twisted with anguish. How he’d ached to hear those
words from Sebastian just once more. He questioned his sanity as he let his
hand fall away from the door and allowed Sebastian to pass over the threshold.

Noel stuffed his restless hands into the front pockets of
his jeans. “Would you like something to drink?”

“No. Thanks. I just want to talk. I won’t stay long.”

Noel’s heart twisted a little more. He’d allowed Sebastian
into his home, into his
life
again, and the thought of him leaving was
almost unbearable. He gestured to the couch as nonchalantly as he could in his
pitiful state and took an overstuffed chair across from it.

Sebastian sat slowly, almost tentatively. Even in his
hesitation, he was still as graceful as ever as he sat on the edge of the
couch. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. I-I—”

“I know. It wasn’t until later that I learned O was
pregnant.”

“We’re divorced now.”

Noel nodded once. “She told me.”

“I’m sorry about everything. About the accident...your
face.”

“It isn’t your fault,” Noel said softly.

Sebastian looked intently at Noel’s scarred face now.
“You’re still beautiful.”

Noel turned away. He’d long since accepted that Sebastian
wasn’t to blame for his suicide attempt. It had been a culmination of things.
His mother’s incessant berating, the stress of hiding his homosexuality,
depression, and low self-esteem. Life. Sebastian and Olivia’s relationship had
merely been the last straw. “It isn’t your fault,” he repeated.

“I want a second chance.”

Noel turned back to Sebastian. He was surprised by the
request but not. “I’m not the same. We’re not the same.”

“I know. But I still love you.”

Noel’s gut twisted. “We don’t know each other anymore.”

An uncomfortable moment passed before Sebastian said, “I
want.... I would like the chance to get to know you again.”

Noel fought for honesty. The least he could do for the only
man he’d ever loved was to be honest. “I’m closed off now, Sebastian. I
don’t....” His voice trailed off.
I don’t
want to
feel anymore
.

“We’ll take it slow. As slow as you want. You set the pace.”

Noel couldn’t help himself. “Why, after all these years?”

Sebastian swallowed hard. “I never stopped loving you, Noel.
Not for one minute.”

Anger welled in Noel again.
You did! And you crushed my
heart!
He wanted to rail at Sebastian.

“Please don’t look at me like that. When you tried to commit
suicide, I talked to O about breaking things off. She knew I loved you. But I
didn’t think it fair to ruin our son’s life because I couldn’t figure out my
sexuality back then.”

Noel had known even back then that things between them had
been far more than a high school tryst. He’d suffered hours in agony over the
years knowing he’d lost the only man he would ever love. He fought for calm as
emotion threatened to overwhelm him. “I understand.”

“When I realized I could never be happy without you, I asked
O for a divorce. She understood. God, Noel, I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so
sorry.”

Noel’s frozen heart melted a little.

“I want a second chance,” Sebastian repeated.

Noel wanted to squirm in his seat. The love of his life was
asking for a second chance. Part of him wanted to scream no, the larger part of
him wanted to whisper yes. “I don’t.... I’m not... I’m not whole anymore.”

Sebastian offered Noel a small smile now. “Neither am I. But
maybe...maybe we can help put each other back together.”