Christmas in Sugarcreek (13 page)

Chapter Sixteen

Christmas Eve

T
he store had been almost empty all day, making Judith even more aware of Ben—and that their time together was almost over. Though there seemed to be a new understanding between them, there was also a new tension.

There had also been very little time to talk privately. Both her father and Joshua had been in the store all day, taking inventory and organizing merchandise for when they would open on the twenty-sixth.

For the last hour, she’d been at the counter. Standing and waiting on the occasional customer while Ben had been asked to do lots of heavy lifting.

Every time he walked by her, Ben glanced her way but never stopped to talk. Or flirt. Which was what he used to be intent on doing when they’d been alone.

“Judith, time to close up shop,” her father announced. “It’s three o’clock.”

Since the store was empty anyway, she walked to the door and dutifully turned the sign. “What would you like me to do now?”

“Go with Ben to his house, then meet us later at home.”

Judith scanned the area for Ben. When she met his gaze, she raised a brow. He shook his head and shrugged.

Letting her know that this was news to him as well.

“All right,” she said slowly. “Ben? Are you ready?”

“I am. I’ll meet you at the buggy.”

“You okay?” Joshua asked as he approached her side. “You look a little worried.”

After seeing that their father was out of earshot, she shrugged. Almost mimicking the same gesture Ben had done. “I’m not sure what is going on.”

“Daed’s trying to matchmake, of course.”

“With me and Ben?”

“Of course.” A slow smile lit his face. “Who else would he be concentrating on?”

“That’s embarrassing. Joshua, is Daed really worried that I can’t find a man on my own?”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Joshua shook his head. “That’s not why our father is trying to get in the middle of things.”

“Why is he, then?”

“For an obvious reason. Judith, all of us can see that there’s something pretty special between you two.”

“There might be. I’m not sure . . .”

“You’re still not sure? What’s wrong?”

“Back in school, I was a little afraid of him,” she confided.

“We all were, at least a little bit,” Joshua agreed. “But though he and I weren’t good friends, I discovered that a lot of people never gave him a chance. But now that I’ve gotten to know him better, I have to say that he seems like a good man.”

Privately, she agreed. With every hour that passed, he took each perception of hers and turned it, allowing her to see him in a new way. “He had a difficult home life.”

“I heard that, too.” A faraway look entered his eyes, and Judith wondered if he was thinking about Gretta. She, too, had had some challenges at home. “We can’t help how we grow up, Judith. All we can do is grow up and move on.”

Feeling comforted by her brother’s pronouncement, and remembering the heartfelt discussions they’d shared when Josh had been falling in love, she decided to open up more. “Ben makes me feel things I didn’t know I could feel—at least any longer. When I’m with Ben, I feel like I’m five years old again and getting ready to go to McDonald’s. Around him, I’m nervous and excited all at the same time.”

She tensed, half ready for her older brother to tease her. She wouldn’t blame him if he did. What she was saying was terribly revealing. She wasn’t used to opening herself up to ridicule.

But instead of belittling her, he squeezed her shoulder. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you should stop overthinking so much.”

“Around Ben or about my feelings?”

“About it all.”

“You never acted like this around Gretta, did you?”

Joshua gaped at her before speaking. “Wow, Judith. You really weren’t paying me much attention last winter were you?”

“I was.”

“I was completely twisted up and confused with Gretta. She made me crazy! I could hardly stop thinking about her. And when she went riding with Roland? I could have spit nails.”

“Spit nails?” She raised a brow.

He waved a hand at her superior air. “I’m not sayin’ Ben is your future, but he’s a good man. And it’s obvious he cares about you. Enjoy being cared for.”

But she had Ben issues. Mixed up in the present was their past. There were too many memories of him being difficult and angry to let her forget it all.

“Judith?” their father called out. “Are you ever going to listen the first time? Please leave, daughter.”

Listen the first time? “Daed, I’m not a—”

“Don’t say it,” Joshua interrupted.

“What, daughter?”

“And don’t bother arguing,” Joshua said under his breath. “Just listen and go.”

“Judith?” her father called out.

“Nothing, father. I’m coming now.” She started walking forward. “Joshua, when did you get so smart?” she asked over her shoulder.

“I’ve always been smart. You just never listened before.”

She was still chuckling about her brother’s parting comment when she got to the shed. Ben was standing beside Beauty, rubbing her neck as he waited for her.

Judith quickened her step. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting. I started talking to Joshua.”

“It was no problem. You ready now?”

When she nodded, he helped her into the buggy, then slid in beside her. As their bodies touched, Judith realized that she no longer sat beside him so stiffly. Instead, she was becoming used to him. Very used to him.

But what did that mean?

“Why are we going to your house?”

He cleared his throat. “Your parents invited me to spend the night.”

“For Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?”

He winced. “Yes,” he said slowly. “I take it you didn’t know about this?”

“Nee.”

“Are you upset?”

“No,” she said quickly, though she wasn’t sure if she was lying or not. “Just surprised.” Scanning his face, she waited for a reaction. But instead of saying something in return he seemed to retreat into himself.

Now she felt terrible. She’d been surprised because they never had entertained guests for Christmas before. With their large family, there’d never been the need. Or maybe just never the room?

“We’re here,” he said quietly. “Would you like to stay here while I go in?”

“I’d like to come with you, if I may.”

Without another word, he slid out of his side then walked toward the modest two-story house. The siding was whitewashed. Four blue spruce pine trees ran along the side of the property. Now, with fluffy pristine snowflakes decorating the boughs, the trees looked like English Christmas trees.

But what really caught her attention was the blue and white realty sign standing proudly in the middle of the lawn.

Ben didn’t spare any of it a look as he walked up the driveway along the short pathway to the front porch and up the steps. Without taking out keys, he opened the door and walked inside.

Only then did he look her way. “Judith?”

“Oh. Yes. I’m sorry.” Gosh, here she was, apologizing again. “I was looking at your pine trees. They’re really pretty, all covered with snow.” There was no way she was going to tell him that the sign in his yard made her sad.

“Ah.”

She noticed he still didn’t spare the trees a look.

Once inside, she was besieged by the musky smell of a house largely unused. Though everything was fairly clean—the furniture looked recently dusted and the floor was swept—it felt completely empty.

Empty in a way that had nothing to do with lack of furniture and children’s coats and Toby toys and her mother’s baking or her siblings’ noise.

It was empty from lack of use.

Judith hadn’t failed to notice that he left the door open and seemed oddly reluctant to even step much farther into the home.

“This isn’t a happy place for you, is it? ”

Ben started. Then, with a look of resignation, he shook his head. “As I told you before, my
muddah
left when I was thirteen. When she left, everything changed.” He paused, then added, “Not that things were any good before.”

The cold air wafting through the open door was making her chilled. Instead of closing the door, she moved toward the kitchen. Again, the room was spotless but extremely empty. Running a finger along the beige laminate, she turned to him. “Did your
mamm
ever say why she left? Did your
daed
ever talk to you about his feelings?”

His laugh was bitter. “Judith, my father was not one for letting us in. And as for my
mamm,
well I never heard from her again.”

She couldn’t imagine either of her parents acting so harsh. She couldn’t imagine leaving her children, either. “She didn’t contact you? She didn’t write you letters and try to explain? Ever?”

“That’s what I just said.”

“What did your
daed
say?”

“He never spoke of it.” He rolled his eyes. “Just one day she was gone.”

She felt his despair like a tangible thing and wished she could do something to make his past easier to bear. It made her want to cry. “What did you do?”

The cloudy look that had filled his expression vanished as a new sardonic one took over. “What do think I did? I went to school the next day.”

“And your sister? What did she do?” she asked, hoping for Ben to relieve her imagination. All she could think about at the moment was a too-young Ben being alone with no one to confide in.

“Beth is three years older. At first she stayed and helped with the house—Daed didn’t give her much choice. But when she turned eighteen, she moved to my aunt’s and eventually married an
Englischer
.”

“Do you keep in touch with her? Do you see her often?”

But instead of answering he took off his hat and ran one hand through his hair. “Why all the questions, Judith? Why do you even care?”

It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him she didn’t know. But she did.

And she acknowledged to herself that if he was brave enough to show her this very sad, empty house. If he was brave enough to share with her the pain of his mother’s abandonment, then it was time for her to be honest.

“I’m asking because I care about you.”

“What?”

“You heard me.” She stepped closer to him. As she did so, Judith noticed the muscles tense under the cotton of his shirt. Almost like he was shielding himself from his reaction to her.

“I heard you but I don’t understand you.”

Her heart aching for all he’d lost, and for all he didn’t believe he was worth, made her finally reveal what was in her heart. Even if they weren’t destined to share a future, she wanted him to know that there was someone in his life who cared. “I think you do. I care about you. I like you and I want to know you better.”

Ben blinked. “Why are you telling me this? Is it pity?”

“No.”

“Why then?”

His voice was harsh, his expression shuttered. But while his voice, when it was like that, used to make her fearful, now she knew better. In his own way, Ben Knox was as scared as she was.

“Because I think you should know how I feel,” she finally said. Realizing that deep in her heart, she wanted Ben to know that he was not alone. That even if nothing became of them, if there never was a romance, at the very least they now had a bond. “I didn’t want you to leave Sugarcreek without knowing how I felt.”

For a few seconds, his gaze softened. His eyes caressed her, like he wanted to memorize everything about this moment.

This wonderful, terrible, very, very sweet moment. “Even if I know.” He cleared his throat. “Even if I felt that way, too . . . There’s nothing we can do about it.”

Even if he felt the same way. It took everything she had not to smile. “That’s all right.”

“It’s all right? How can you say—” He cut himself off, obviously tongue-tied.

She smiled. “I’m not expectin’ a marriage proposal.” Though it pained her, she tried to smile. “I know you have plans. I don’t want to mess them up.”

Oh, right. His big plans. He had plans, Ben thought bitterly to himself. Great plans. After Christmas, he was going to leave his house on the market and travel. Get on a bus, then a train, and go somewhere.

Get as far away from his memories as he possibly could.

“My things are in my bedroom. I’ll be back.”

A flash of pain registered in her eyes. And in response, Ben knew he’d upset her. He didn’t understand the female mind all that well; most of the women he’d known hadn’t thought enough of him to stick around. But even he knew he’d hurt her.

But what could he say?

He wasn’t worth much.