Church Girl Gone Wild (15 page)

Aeron moved to the side and I scooted onto the bunk in front of her. I could hear the women in the cell across from us snickering. The very top and very bottom half of our doors were metal with scratched and chipped-up blue paint. The entire middle was empty space, thick bars, and your cell was as only wide as that door.

I tried my best to ignore the humiliation gnawing at me. I settled awkwardly into Aeron's chest. Soft, warm breasts cushioned my back. The lack of hard pecs and a hard penis made my brain fire warning flares reminding me that something was missing. Every cuddle, every make-out session, every time I looked at Aeron I was reminded that my body wasn't mine. I was stuck in a hamster wheel of wrong and, worse, every day it took place all over again. Aeron draped her arm around my waist pulling me closer.

I didn't really keep track of the days but I knew it was Tuesday. Adams, the stocky white CO with red hair and the deep Southern accent, was usually off and Fingerbangs or Blakely did the rounds in the morning instead of overnight. Normally I'd be getting home from choir rehearsal around this time. On Wednesdays after work I'd go to the church and work with the teen Bible Study group, and on Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'd help with the women's ministry. Those days seemed like a lifetime ago, when it was such a hassle to get out of my office some nights at a reasonable hour.

I'd debate about stopping and picking up something quick and easy or just ordering pizzas because I was too tired to cook. Dontay would complain but of course he'd been home all day and hadn't bothered to fix anything let alone thaw something out. But, my chunky little baby girl would eat anything; she was never picky when it came to food. The memories alone made my eyes and my mouth water. Church was such a huge part of me that no matter how much I prayed on my own, I didn't feel like the one-hour community sermon they held on Sundays in here was enough to get me back into God's good graces. All the religions kind of mish-mashed into one sermon where they didn't really say Jesus, or God; matter of fact I didn't even think they ever said Lord. We'd pile in and the Chaplain would say, “Let us pray,” and we pretty much just read from our Bibles the entire time. People who needed someone to talk to could talk to Sister Mavis but she was Catholic or something like that.

“You know I'll be gettin' out of here soon, don't you,
mami?
” Aeron's voice broke into my thoughts, a warm whisper across the back of my neck. She held me in front of her squeezing me like we were longtime lovers. “You won't have anyone to protect you when I'm gone. I really do care about you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you.”

I lay listening quietly. Just like Deacon, she didn't like to be interrupted so I was always careful to make sure she was finished before I'd speak. I'd learned that about her quickly after I'd impatiently rushed to answer her a few times. The sting of her hand would stop the words from forming right on the tip of my tongue. Now, I listened patiently and waited before I spoke.

Aeron was at the end of a five-year sentence for larceny, and I looked forward to and also secretly dreading the day that I'd no longer have to share my cell with her. Things were starting to feel like the beginning all over again, and I didn't like it. Never had I ever wanted to end my own life more than my first month in. It felt like karma had pulled my name out of the magical shit delivery hat. Out of all the real “threatening” cellmates I could have gotten, I was stuck in Neverland with a psychotic little Filipino woman with large, wild eyes and stringy blond and black hair that fell past her butt. I thought her name was Reynoo. Well, that's what I called her. I could never understand a word she said because her accent was so thick. The only thing I was certain of at the time was that we were going to starve to death, because the other inmates would steal every bit of food right off our trays during meals. I wasn't stupid. I knew if I so much as slipped a note to a correctional officer about it, I'd get beaten or stabbed to death for being a snitch.

My first few nights in prison were imprinted in my mind forever like the Treasury seal on all those “ghost greenbacks” that got me here. My stomach was in knots from not eating. I huddled on my bunk, watching in horror as Reynoo took her own waste out of the toilet and smeared it in the corners of the cell walls along the floor. She was crawling along on her hands and knees, singing softly in Tagalog. They started yelling for her to shut up; others yelled because of the smell. I buried my head under my pillow to try to block out the horrifying stench. I cried and prayed myself to sleep just knowing she was doing some kind of shitty death ritual so she could kill me in my sleep. My family wouldn't even be able to have an open-casket funeral because she'd probably eat me or something crazy.

Four days later, after having absolutely nothing to eat and no money in my commissary, I watched in absolute disgust while Reynoo gathered several huge roaches. My momma always called them things water bugs when they'd get in her house. They'd hide all day and as soon as company would come over or you'd find yourself in a comfy spot, they'd climb up the wall or perch on the ceiling just to fall and scare the living daylights out of everyone in the room. Everybody and anybody would call themselves gangsta until that water bug started flying. I'd seen the manliest of men go to climbing up on the couch, running around, screaming all girly and whatnot when there's a rogue water bug zipping around the house. They didn't know they could fly until you tried to kill 'em and they never flew away; they always flew right for your forehead.

Reynoo managed to catch six or so that were drawn to her “shit traps.” Hunger will make a person fast as all hell, because those things are no joke when it comes to running. She'd trap them in an old sardine can, placing the thin tin lid carefully in place and then hold it over a small candle. It's hard to describe the smell because of all the shit everywhere, but they surprisingly didn't smell any worse than roasting cashews. Or maybe I wanted them to smell that way. I could hear them in there scraping, clawing, and scurrying around for a few seconds, and then it would go silent.

For an entire week I lived off of that filth. I still gave thanks, I still prayed like I was supposed to. I even meditated and chanted. And then one morning, after I'd gone through the breakfast line as I usually did, I set my tray on the table and waited for the vultures to come. The line served soupy apple-cinnamon oatmeal, powdered eggs with cheese, watery grits, and a brittle dry buttered biscuit that morning. It smelled like a buffet. They even used lemon-scented soap in the kitchen because it made me think of lemonade every time I smelled it. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I completely unraveled or died from some type of disease from eating an infected roach.

On that particular morning Stanika, one of the bigger girls, was one of the first to assault my breakfast. Ripe onion and ass: I smelled her before I saw her. She was what the correctional officers called a “habitual hose down,” notorious for never taking showers. Her residual funk would get to the point where they'd have to throw her into a holding cell and literally spray her down with the fire hose. I initially just thought she was nasty. I didn't find out until later she had a fear of the showers because she was assaulted and raped in there by a male correctional officer her first week in. The other COs stood by, laughing and recording it on their phones. Just so happened that a phone got stolen out of the CO's car not too long after and was sold to the highest-paying news team. Everyone involved was fired, fined, and punished if you let the media tell it. Fingerbangs, Blakely, and the rest were still there.

Stanika was in the process of reaching for my oatmeal and I was holding my fork in a death grip. Staring down at her fat, grubby fingers, disgust registered instantly on my face at the black dirt accumulating under her nails. An image of her scratching her ass all day floated through my mind and instantly I could smell Reynoo's shit as if it were singed into my nose hairs.

The chatter in the cafeteria clashed against my eardrums sounding like the crunch of roaches as they echoed in my ears every night. No matter how many times I brushed my teeth each day, the dirty, charred taste of them still seemed to coat my tongue permanently from the night before. I hated the antennae and the fine hairs on their legs; they always got stuck in between my teeth and it'd take me all day flossing to get all the tiny segments out.

I was exactly one half of a heartbeat away from jumping off the deep end. Stabbing that fat heffa and anyone else who wanted to step up and try something. It seemed like the only logical solution. If I'd done what I was thinking, I wouldn't have made it out of the cafeteria alive. Thank the Lord, Aeron decided to come over when she did. She offered me her own tray and within the next hour I was out of my shithole hell of cell and moved to hers. I should have known her kindness would come with a price.

“Why so quiet tonight, princess? You don't wanna talk to momma?”

No, I didn't. I wanted to talk to my fiancé. I wanted to talk to my daughter, Jada. “I'm just tired, Aeron. I've got a lot on my mind,” I quietly responded.

Satisfied with my answer, she put her arm around my waist and I lay quietly until I could hear the steady sound of her breath going in and out, indicating that she'd fallen asleep. Tears burned slowly down my face, soaking my corner of the pillow we shared. I cried myself to sleep, quietly asking God how I'd ended up in the hell I was in and wondering what I'd done to deserve it.

 

 

Hours later I was awakened by clanking and loud yelling. Out of habit I glanced back at the small slat of a window in our cell. It was cloudy, scratched plastic so thick the sky always looked dull white and the sun would look like an orange gumdrop someone mashed onto the other side.

“How many times have I told y'all bitches to keep it separated?” Officer Blakely was standing by the cell door.

“I'm sorry, Officer,” I apologized, sitting up, quickly pulling the course blanket up to my chin. I clumsily bumped Aeron in the process and I already knew she was probably glaring up at me for interrupting her sleep. None of this was my fault and yet everyone was taking it out on me. I felt like a weak sapling bowed down under a ton of snow in winter with all of its leaves dying for sun and the roots desperate for warm soil. All of this pressure . . .

“It won't happen again. I got cold and Aeron suggested I sleep in her bunk to stay warm.”

“I don't give a fuck. You could tell me it felt like a northern wind was blowin' up a polar bear's ass up in there and I'd still tell ya keep ya ass in ya own fuckin' bed. One more of these and ya ass is in solitary.” She turned and marched off.

“All that damn noise for nothing. Waking people up and shit. She need some dick or something up in her life. She'd be a lot nicer if she got her a good piece of ass at least twice a week. Who I gotta roofie or pay to dick her down?” Aeron threw a quick middle finger in the direction Officer Blakely had just stormed off.

Climbing over me off the bunk, she stood facing the scratched metal that served as our mirror and started braiding her long, thick hair. She always wore two long braids that fell down either side of her head; they reminded me of Pocahontas. Man, my head was a hot mess. I self-consciously patted an itch in my own fuzzy cornrows. One of Aeron's homegirls from a different unit braided my hair up every Wednesday or Thursday and all it was doing was making my mess grow thicker and faster.

“Aeron, I need to call my baby sister. Can you get me a phone call please?”

I felt like I'd switched places with Jada when she'd bug me for cookies before dinner. My tone begging and my eyes pleading. I had no choice but to be reduced to this level and, ashamed, I could only lower my head and wait for her answer. I clenched my teeth, telling the stupid tears that I could already feel starting to burn with every blink to go away.

I needed to find out where they had Dontay locked up at. I needed to talk to him. There were so many unanswered questions, like why he did what he did and why hadn't he told me. What was I supposed to do; what were we supposed to do? Was he in some kind of trouble? He used to gamble; maybe he'd gotten in over his head and was trying to pay off a debt. There had to be a reasonable answer. I couldn't accept the fact that he'd just throw me under the bus and think he could get away with it. On top of that I had no idea what I should consider saying when I sat before the judge. My trial wasn't scheduled for another four months and it killed me not knowing when his trial was, or if he had copped a plea, had already been sentenced, or what.

“I got you,
mami.
Now, give me a kiss and let's go eat breakfast.”

I got up and gave her a small, emotionless peck on the cheek. My lips and hands had gone cold from nervous excitement. I was anxious to finally speak to a familiar voice again.

I dialed my little sister's cell phone number and my heart skipped a beat as it rang. Other than the first time I'd spoken to her, it normally went straight to voicemail, so I was both shocked and excited. I'd heard through the grapevine that Sue put up such a fuss about Deacon wanting a third wife she threatened to kill him. She must have been putting some wonder-head on him because he never touched Leslie. But I still felt a small tug of regret every time I thought of the way I left her all alone.

“Leslie speaking. Who's this?”

“It's me, sweetie, hey.” The sound of her voice brought tears to my eyes.

“Oh damn. Hey, Eva. I miss you so much. Are you okay?”

“I need to know where Tay is being held. Have you found out where they put Jada? I feel so cut off from the world in here. This court-appointed lawyer isn't helping me worth a damn, and they seized all my accounts so I don't have any way to pay for a better one.”

Leslie giggled on the other end and spoke to someone in a hushed tone. “Boy, stop. I'm on the phone with my sister.” She sounded so happy and completely distracted as she turned her attention back to me. “Look, I haven't found out exactly where Tay is, but I heard he might be in the Clinton jail. You know Momma and Deacon ain't want nothing to do with Jada. CPS took her, Eva. I'm sorry.”

My heart slammed to a halt in my chest. My baby was with child protective services? My parents weren't shit. They were so Christian and so concerned about their reputation in the eyes of the community. When I was pregnant I'd asked for a few things for the baby and they blatantly ignored me. I'd never gotten any help from them back then and I damn sure couldn't figure out why I was expecting it now. God might have loved me in spite of all my sins, but I sure couldn't say the same for my own flesh and blood.

“Leslie, is there any way you can try to get custody of her? You are her aunt.” My voice strained as I tried to speak through my tears. “I don't want my baby being raised by strangers. She doesn't deserve it. I don't even deserve to be here.”

“Sis, I tried. But I'm only eighteen. They won't give me custody. I'll think of something, I promise. I gotta go. Class starts in a few minutes. I signed up for summer sessions so I can get ahead a little in this college game. Call me when you can and I'll fill you in on anything else I find out.”

“Okay, I love you.” Inside my heart was breaking into a million pieces. I felt hopeless as the call disconnected.

“What up, bitch?” a voice called out from behind me.

I cracked a half smile as Sayzano strolled over to me. She, I mean he, was one of the few people I felt safe talking to. All of the gay and transgendered inmates were housed together in a protective unit, but they were allowed to eat and come out onto the yard with the female unit.

“Hi, Say. I just found out my baby's with child protective services and there's nothing I can do about it.” My voice cracked.

Sayzano grabbed me up into a hug and for a second I forgot all about my problems as I was faced with the bigger problem of suffocating between his huge fake breasts.

“Don't you cry, baby girl. I know a couple niggas on the outside. You give me a few days and we'll work shit out. Okay?”

I nodded and Say held my face in between his large hands and looked me in the eyes.

“Look, we gonna go take out these cornrows and braid you up some fresh ones 'cause, bitch, you lookin' like a hot mess, and Say ain't friends with no hot messes. All Say's bitches is thoroughbred, first class, top shelf, neck breakers. Shit, we make haters hate themself. So bring ya ass.” Say let my face go and threw his hands in the air dramatically before laughing.

“You need to holla at my girl Bootie and get yourself something to make you feel better. I got mad credit with her. I know you ain't feeling your whole wifey thing; go get you some ding dongs on me.”

I laughed for the first time in a long time and followed Say. “Thank you Say, you are way too sweet to be up in here.”

“As are you, boo, but we all got our truth and then the man got what he say happened. Hell, I was out there bootin' and tootin' it up for these doctors and lawyers. Hunty, they was payin' thee big dollars to suck it and make it spray and I am not lying. The only thing I couldn't do was let everyone run up in my chocolate starfish. No, what the hell I look like?”

I was momentarily blinded as we walked out of the building and into the yard. The sun felt different when I was feeling it from behind these brick walls. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't absorb its warmth. It was mid-July and nearly ninety degrees outside, but I felt as cold as January on the inside. As we approached the area lining the basketball hoops, I could see Aeron standing to the side, towering above most of the females. She gave me a worried glance when she saw me wiping my eyes with my sleeve. She covered the distance between us in several quick, long-legged strides.

“Somebody been fuckin' wit' you again?” She was always quick to defend me and her reputation. If someone messed with me she'd have to step up or she'd look weak.

“No, I just talked to my sister. Everything's fine. I'll be fine.”

Aeron took my hand and led me over to a picnic table. She realized what she was doing and dropped it just as quickly. The guards were funny about inmates and body-to-body contact. I sat down and she sat on top of the table with my shoulders between her legs. She pulled a comb from her pocket and started to unbraid my hair.

“Yeah, A, you unbraid that bird's nest and I'ma do it up real nice in just a minute. Say got some bid'ness to handle right quick.” Having said that, Sayzano put his hand on his hip and pranced off.

“Aw look at Timone and Pumpa.” Aeron giggled in my ear.

Say was busy sashaying over to his boo, a skinny little white guy we all called Milan. He had to be the prettiest man I'd ever seen in my life. He kept his eyebrows arched and his long jet-black hair was always pulled back into a cute little ponytail. I'd never in my life been around gay men before and never had any idea they could be so feminine. The way that man sashayed around the yard, one would think he was on a Paris runway.

The couple looked so odd yet extremely happy together. Say was tall and chocolate with high cheekbones. I guessed he looked like a real queen on the outside, rocking wigs and makeup with those big pillow breasts. Say had once described a few drag shows that he'd done and I smiled from just picturing it in my head.

I pulled some fresh cherries out of my pocket that I'd snuck from breakfast and popped a few in my mouth. I munched silently as I thought about life before I was locked up. Dontay and I used to always go pick cherries or hit the Strawberry Festival in Pungo. We enjoyed each other's company so much and we also wrecked each other at times. He was my best friend but I knew firsthand how best friends could hurt each other, become complete strangers. I was distracted from my thoughts and the show Say and Milan were putting on, kissing and cooing at each other, when I felt Aeron's breath beside my ear.

“
Mami,
I want to tell you something and I don't want you to get upset okay?”

What in the world did she want? To share me with another one of her cellies? Wouldn't be the first time. Or wait, maybe she wanted to tell me that she'd found some other chick to make her plaything. I didn't know why, but the thought instantly made me a little jealous. I squashed that emotion like an ant. I wasn't gay. I was only doing what I needed to do in order to survive in this place. If she moved on it would be hell without her protection, but God would see me through it.

“Well, what is it?” I tried not to sound impatient.

“My ex works for the sheriff's department in Virginia Beach. I asked her to run your
fiancé's
name.” She spat the word “fiancé” out as if it were toxic. She hated thinking of me belonging to anyone but her. “She said she couldn't find anything in the court system on a Dontay James.”

“What does that mean? My public defender said he was part of it. He and I were the only ones with administrative accesses to the system to make the kind of changes that were made.”

Her hands stilled in my hair and I craned my neck to look back at her anxiously, waiting for her explanation.

“Do you think he could have plea bargained or gotten off? Never even gone to prison? That's what I mean,” she replied, giving me a solemn stare down.

My mind was a flurry of activity as I tried to process a thought it kept rejecting. He wouldn't. There was no way Dontay would do no time at all and leave me in here for years.

“Of course I'm sure. What you're saying is unthinkable, unfathomable, unbelievable, un . . . un . . . I can't think of any more ‘un' words but you get my point.” My voice was getting raspy and it hurt to swallow past the lump forming in my throat. I turned back around, content with staring at a patch of clovers growing next to the bench. A ladybug scuttled across one of the clovers and I'd have given anything to switch places with her.

Aeron rubbed my shoulder compassionately and said, “Anything is possible when money is involved. Money is the undoer of millions of men and women. Look through history; it happens all the time no matter the century or the currency. Money doesn't make a person evil, it just shows us who the evil ones really are, sweetheart. Speaking of money, you're taking over my business when I leave.”

She'd gone back to combing out my hair and I cringed whipping my head around catching some of my mess up in the comb. “I don't know anything about your business and knowing my luck I'd get stabbed before I made a dime off it. No.”

“You want to survive until you get out with no commissary and no respect or do you want to take over some shit that can get you both overnight? You know the prices: smokes, cash, or real candy. Sell the smokes and candy, add it to the cash and
mí tía,
well she's not my real aunt, she's an old family friend, she'll help you out. You'll go hard because your ass will depend on it, theses
puntas
will respect you because you'll have their shit. We don't sell to everyone, just the bitches that are down. I'll give you a list.”

Everything just seemed so overwhelming. Aeron gave my shoulder a soft squeeze. I could tell she was genuinely trying to figure out a way for me to make it without her and find Dontay. That made my heart warm toward her ever so slightly. At least someone in here cared about me.

“Oh shit.” Aeron's outburst broke my train of thought as she tensed behind me.

I looked up to see what had her on high alert. Lord knows I wasn't ready for any more drama.

“Speak of evil and I guess it'll stride on over and say hello,” Aeron snapped, focusing her attention on Juarez marching across the yard.

Say and Milan stopped chatting and posted up with their arms crossed and lips pursed up as they stood behind Juarez. It looked more like they were Vogueing than protecting anything. I hid a small giggle at my two gay warrior guardian angels.

“What the hell you want, Juarez?” Aeron climbed from behind me to address her older sister. They were identical twins. Antonia was born five minutes earlier, so she claimed the title and bossiness of being the oldest. When Aeron got caught she didn't dare say who her accomplices were. Antonia, on the other hand, decided she wasn't taking the blame alone. She was all too willing to take the witness stand and incriminate her sister for a lesser sentence. Aeron never called her sister by her first name. When I asked why, she said it was to remind her that she was disloyal to her own blood. They were beautiful, angry Amazonian mirror images of each other. It looked like a WWE prison match was about to take place.

“Hey, I come in peace this time. I just wanted to let you know I'd take good care of your, um, kitten when you get out of here,” Antonia replied, shooting a slick grin in my direction.

A visible shiver ran through my body at the cold and menacing way she spoke about me. I didn't want to be taken care of by anyone, but I was sure I'd suffer a helluva lot worse if Antonia ever got her hands on me. Aeron bristled up and for a split second I thought she was going to go off and punch Antonia. But her release date was only a week away. She wasn't stupid.

“What?” Sayzano jumped in angrily. “Who the hell you calling a kitten? Ain't nobody got no damn pets up in here. You ain't taken care of no gotdamn body, and I suggest you back da fuck off before I go Cleveland bus driver on ya Amazon ass. I ain't scared to hit a woman.”

All eyes focused on us as the yard fell silent at Say's outburst; everyone was anticipating a fight. Say started to go in before any of us could react. The COs ran over to put a stop to it before anything else could transpire. Say winked at me as he was being led to solitary, and Milan wailed like someone had just died. He'd done all that just to diffuse the situation to keep Aeron from getting caught up in some mess. I'd need to get my guardian boo a present for that. Hopefully Aeron's
tía
auntie or whoever would be able to help.

Free time was cut short and we were all led back inside. Antonia shot me a look that made me feel physically ill. It would only be a matter of time before Aeron left and she got to me, and I had no idea what I could do to keep me from the hell that I knew was coming.

As we entered our cell, Aeron pulled me into a tight hug. Her sudden display of affection caught me completely off guard.

“Don't let my sister scare you. She's always been more bark than bite. I promise.” She leaned back, still holding me in her arms, and winked.