Clementine (13 page)

Her heart pleaded with
her not to hit the send button. The message was vague enough to give him the hint without him realizing she was upset about anything. Besides what did she have to be upset about, friends moved away from each other all the time.
I’m just moving away from a friend
, she told herself, trying to push away the sick feeling in her stomach.

The weather turned chilly
and Addison helped her mom prep for the upcoming holidays. They decorated around the house and whipped up their favorite holiday desserts even if Addison found herself unable to work up an appetite.  Going through the motions of her daily routine seemed to ease the pain she felt at each turn. Alone in her room at night she’d still find herself recreating each of her encounters with Holden, trying to decide where she hadn’t added up. Was she too emotional, too honest, too excited, too obvious? Everything she was too much of someone didn’t add up to what Holden was looking for. The sadness was something she felt she could deal with, but it was the disappointment and sense of failure that kept Addison awake at night.

She wasn’t sure what to expect from her PA Program, but she thought it’d be a good idea to brush up on some Anatomy and at least it would be a source of distraction from the crippling numbness she’d find herself emerged in at times. Her mom was worried about her and tried to get her out of the house as much as possible. They went shopping for a thick winter coat since none of Addison’s jackets would protect her from anything other than the mild weather of a Texas winter. Addison picked out a cream colored wool jacket that
fit her slim frame perfectly. As she looked at her reflection in the ornate shop mirror, a hollowed version of herself stared back, and she couldn’t help but wonder if Holden would have liked the coat. She pushed the thought aside as she walked with her mom to the checkout counter.
Doesn’t matter.

She hated that she couldn’t control her subconscious better. She didn’t want to think of him constantly. She wanted to pretend thoughts of him didn’t force their way into her mind,
hitting her like a brick wall. There was no escaping the war taking place within herself, between her body, trying so hard to propel her forward, and her heart, rooted in defeat and unsure of her next move. Addison had texted him weeks ago, wanting him to stop calling her. And he had. He hadn’t put up a fight; he didn’t ask her why she’d acted so weird or if she was okay. He’d stopped calling and texting her, no questions asked. She hadn’t sent the text hoping he would still fight to turn their friendship into something more, but when he didn’t, she couldn’t help feeling a new wave of heartache.

Part 2

Chapter
10

1
Month Later

Addison was two weeks into classes
and already felt like she was getting the hang of her new life. She’d found a small one bedroom apartment a few minutes from campus and lucked out when a few of her neighbors were in her same PA program. They had all latched onto one another, knowing they were all in a new city and a new school. Their professors also encouraged them to form study groups, so the fact that they were all neighbors seemed like fate.

Her closest friend was Katherine, a Florida native, who Addison bonded
with instantly over their mutual love/hate relationship with southern weather. Katherine was simple and sweet and Addison knew she’d lucked out in finding her among her classmates.
Anything is better than another Stacy.
Katherine had short red hair and beautiful snowy pale skin. She was slightly taller than Addison but they could still easily swap clothes with one another, too bad most of the time they were studying in tshirts and workout shorts…

They’d also befriended two boys that lived down the hall. Tyler was from New York and spoke with a heavy accent. He was quiet but incredibly smart so the two girls knew they had to force him into their study group, even if it came down to making him cookies as a bribe every time they met. The last member of their group was Jordan, a California native who kept his blonde hair long enough that it swept perfectly across his forehead and handsome features. He was tall and had lively blue eyes that the girls in class swooned over. He had an easygoing and charming demeanor. Where Tyler was a bit of a wallflower, Jordan was the life of the party and one of the best known students in their program.

Addison felt at home when the crew was all crammed into one of their apartments. They’d quiz each other over various facts trying to stay on track as much as possible, but they’d eventually find themselves letting loose after hours of studying. Addison taught them how to play “Would You Rather” one
Friday night after they’d been studying anatomy for far too long.

“I can’t believe you guys haven’t played this. This game was the
catalyst for some of the funniest memories I have from my undergrad years,” Addison began.

“You can literally ask anything, and
of course, most of the time we would get pretty risqué with it,” she laughed.

“How am I not surprised by that Addison?” Katherine joked, throwing a piece of popcorn as Addison dodged out of the way.

Jordan and Tyler laughed as they grabbed beers out of the fridge and joined the girls.

“I’ll start
...” Addison began as she narrowed her eyes and looked over each of her friends as if trying to read their weaknesses, “would you rather have to kiss old Professor Mayberry in private without anyone finding out?” she paused as each of them groaned in protest at the thought of being near their nearly eighty year old anatomy professor, “or make out with a girl or guy of your choice in front of our entire class?”

They all laughed, taking a minute to mull it over.

“It’s not fair, Mayberry is a guy and he’s old… can’t I kiss an old lady professor?” Tyler joked.

“No, Tyler, those aren’t
how you place,” Katherine protested playfully, “I’d pick Mayberry… if no one would find out about it then I wouldn’t care. I’d be way too embarrassed to make out with someone in front of the whole class.”

Their eyes fell on Jordan, waiting to see what his answer would be.

With a suggestive smile, he looked directly at Addison as he declared, “I’d choose the second option.” His cocky demeanor clearly hinted at the girl he’d choose but she didn’t think their other friends had picked up on it. She blushed at his unexpected answer, not sure how she felt about his sly declaration.

They all laughed it off, taking sips of their drinks
in between bites of popcorn. Addison tried to think of another question to ask so no one would notice her flushed cheeks.

“Which one would you choose
, Addison?” Jordan asked, his long blonde surfer hair making him look boyishly handsome.

Addison didn’t have to think about it, a vision of Holden popped into her head and she knew without a doubt that she’d choose the second option if the game were real, and if her guy of choice was even an option at all.

“Don’t you just love Darcy?”
Katherine asked, taking a sip of her wine. Addison peeled her eyes away from the TV screen and turned to her friend.

             
“I’ll take the fictional Mr. Darcy over a real boyfriend any day,” Addison answered.
Is that sad? Oh well.
Katherine laughed, nodding in agreement.

The two girls had worked out a routine. After studying as much as their brains would allow, they’d open a bottle of wine
or some chocolate and play one of the various Jane Austen films Addison owned. If they were sick of that they’d watch reruns of their favorite television shows. They had similar senses of humor, which neither of them took for granted on days when all they had to look forward to was endless studying for upcoming exams. That first year of PA school, Katherine would prove to be Addison’s partner in crime. They were both willing to go out and explore the campus bars on the weekend, but agreed that there was no topping a good piece of chocolate and a new movie.

“You say that, but what about Jordan? I mean he flirts with you all the time and you two would look like a perfect tan blonde couple,” Katherine spoke,
pausing the movie.

Oh good god.
Addison laughed and ran her hand through her hair, stalling for time. This wasn’t the first time Katherine had mentioned Jordan’s interest in her over the past few days. It was clear to everyone, including Addison, that Jordan wanted to be more than friends, but something was holding Addison back. Though she found him attractive, she hadn’t delved into where she stood with Holden since starting her new life in North Carolina and she wasn’t ready to open Pandora’s Box. She didn’t trust herself when it came to her feelings for
him
. The new scenery seemed to dull the pain more than when she was at home, but she still knew she wasn’t drawn to Jordan like she had been to Holden. She never wondered what Jordan was doing or if he thought about her when they were apart.
You can’t force fate.

“He’s cute, yes, but seriously Katherine, I’m too busy to date anyone right now,” Addison
claimed, hoping to squash the subject as she reached across the couch for the remote. She pressed play on the movie and sighed when Katherine didn’t push the conversation further.
Good, let me just watch my Mr. Darcy.

“We’ll see what happens when we all go out tomorrow,” Katherine
challenged, providing Addison with her final counterargument. Addison didn’t have the energy to speak up. She knew Katherine probably thought it was crazy that she wasn’t interested in Jordan. Katherine didn’t know anything about Holden and Addison wanted to keep it that way. He was tucked away deep down within herself. The fact that she never chose to talk about him was the only control she had over the situation. She couldn’t help the constant thoughts that streamed through her head about the man who had broken her heart. Uttering his name would only serve to wound her pride further.

“Katherine
, turn that song up!” Addison yelled
from her bathroom. The two girls were taking their time getting ready for their night out. Katherine had just put her favorite playlist on Addison’s portable speakers and Addison was in her bathroom applying the finishing touches to her hair and makeup.

“Addison, since I’m letting you borrow that strappy red dress could you please do my hair? I can never get the curls to stay like you do,” Katherine pleaded, striding into Addison’s bathroom with two glasses of wine.

Addison accepted the glass Katherine held out for her and took a sip. “Definitely, it’s the least I could do. Take a seat, I was just finishing up.”

Addison released the curling iron letting her hair fall
out into her usual loose waves. Katherine had pulled one of Addison’s dining chairs into the bathroom and the two girls chatted while Addison started curling Katherine’s hair.

“Do you think Jordan will show up tonight?” Katherine said, eyeing her fingernails.
There she goes again.

“Who
knows? I just hope the place is packed and they’re playing good dance music,” Addison said, pulling another strand of Katherine’s hair into the curling iron.

“Yeah but wouldn’t it be fun if he showed up? You guys could dance,” Katherine suggested, shifting in her seat.

Addison rolled her eyes. She didn’t know what to make of her friend’s constant ploy to get her and Jordan together. On the surface Katherine was pushing Addison toward Jordan, but it was always Katherine who thought to invite him places and who always seemed to point out when he looked particularly cute.

“Would
you
want to dance with him?” Addison asked cautiously, trying to sound as casual as possible, testing the water.

“What?
Ew, no, I don’t think of him like that. At all. No way,” Katherine answered assuredly. Addison eyed her friend trying to decide whether her rapid response was genuine.

“Besides, he’s been flirting with you, not me,” Katherine continued, not looking at Addison.

“Well let’s just see how tonight goes,” Addison finished, hoping her friend wasn’t trying to hide her true feelings for Jordan. Sure, he flirted with Addison but that didn’t mean she was meant to be with him. Her true feelings still lay back in Austin and she became painfully aware of it every time she tried to fake interest in Jordan.