Authors: Andy Mandela
“You can’t just hide some dark secret like that from me, Luke, and expect me to never find out! You’ve never treated me like a fool. We respected each other, and I thought we could trust each other with anything. Now I find out I never knew you at all!
”
“But you do, because I’m different now,” I say.
“Oh you sure as hell are. You really are different, Luke,” she says sarcastically. What else, you gonna tell me you were a junkie for the past decade?”
“No,” I tell her. “I’m not gonna lie when I say that I have tried them before, but I never became an addict.”
“Oh, how noble of you,” she says.
“It was all I knew at the time. I didn’t have anything else,” I argued.
“Don’t you dare try to make me feel sorry for you, you bastard!” She has her purse in hand and is ready to walk out the door. No matter what, I can’t let her do that. If she walks out, I might not ever see her again. Karina is the sole reason I changed, the reason I wanted to build a better life for myself. For us. I have to fight for her. Karina had helped me so much in the past few months, she is the one who has given me a new life. If walks out that door, she’ll take all of it with her. I don’t know what I will do without her, and don’t even want the possibilities to cross my mind.
“Karina, please don’t go. We can work this out. I believe we can.” I try to grab her hand, but she instantly pulls away from me.
“Don’t you touch me,” she snarls, as I see the flame in her eyes, both from anger and from sadness.
She storms out of the apartment, and just before the door slams shut, I call ou
t one final time, “Karina!” But the door doesn’t open back up again. I cover my eyes with my palms to try and hold back my tears, but to no avail. I drop to my knees and bury my face in the carpet, punching the floor as hard as I can.
I sit on the ground, with my back to the wall, as I realize that all those good times are now gone. I
stare up into the air into nothingness, as the tears on my face dry up, only to be replaced by more. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it, but I didn’t give any thought as to how much I would feel like shit afterwards.
I don’t know if this was just a fight, and she’ll get over it, or if she has already concluded that we are done with. I dare not think of the latter, but I can’t help the overwhelming feeling that my relationship with Karina might be over.
Chapter 14
Depression. I know now how it feels. That constant feeling of worthlessness, uninterested with moving on with life, just as well unable to. Three days. Three of the most miserable days of my entire life. I keep staring at my phone hoping it will light up with either a text message or a phone call from Karina. But nothing. For the past three days, I’ve kept trying to call her, but the phone only goes to voicemail, and all my messages go unanswered.
This is by far the biggest mistake I’ve made, but I had no choice.
The trouble, now that I’ve lifted the burden of keeping the secret hidden from her, a whole new, even greater burden of grief has come over me. The first night, after she left (I refuse to say we’ve broken up), I sat around the house, alone, and felt sorry for myself. I had never lost a girlfriend that dramatically before, nor have I got so emotional during an argument.
I later wondered what she could be doing. Maybe she’s doing the same, at home crying her eyes out, hoping I will go over there and comfort her. Or worse, what if she has already carried on? What if she has found someone else, someone who doesn’t have so many secrets, or at least one huge one? I cry even worse when I think of that situation. How am I supposed to carry on now? I can’t just find another girl like Karina, one who understands me and goes together perfectly with me like she did.
I don’t even want to look at another woman, because I still want Karina. I need her. Any other girl who comes along won’t even compare, and I don’t care to try searching. She has changed me. Forever. Even if we never get back together, I will never revert back to my old ways. That is one lesson I will stay true to. I will never deal again. I will use this as a reminder to never keep anything from anyone ever again. I will keep working, and I will find a way to continue in my effort to make my dreams come true. Everything I have ever wanted in life, I will pursue. But how am I going to do any of it without someone by my side? I don’t know, and it’s too soon to be figuring any of that out yet. But eventually I must. If I’ve truly lost Karina, I can’t stay shut in my apartment every day for the rest of my life. I haven’t left my apartment once since she left.
The first day after the incident, I stayed in bed, hoping I would wake up with her lying next to me. I would hope at any second, she would gently kiss my ear and run her hand slowly down my arm, letting me know that she’s not angry an
ymore. But instead, I’d wake up alone. Alone and depressed. I would stare at her side of the bed, and picture her there, as if I had never lost her. But it never worked, because eventually I would realize that I was just staring at an empty bed.
What could she be doing? How is she feeling? If she’s sad, I want to be there to hold her. No man would be able to date a girl like Karina for over two months and then just forget about her. Karina’s image, her touch, her pleasantness, will stay with me forever, or at least until I die.
On the second day, I got some of myself together. I listened to music, mainly sad songs that I needed to hear, which made me cry even more. I agree there was no good reason for me to lie, which is what I might as well have been doing. I promise, as long as I live, I will never do anything like that ever again. All I want is to have Karina back. That morning, I was so angry, at myself and the world. Why would fate have brought us together, only to have us break up, which I still refuse to accept. I screamed into my pillow until my throat was sore.
And now, here I am, depressed that the world, and everyone in it, is against me. I have barely eaten in the past few day, my appetite hasn’t really been up much. All I feel like I really want to do is lie in bed, thinking about nothing. Whenever Karina comes to mind, I only feel worse. I know some day, I will have to move on, or at least get out of my apartment. But I don’t really have anywhere to go.
I’m sure Karina has told all her friends about me and what I’ve done. They probably hate me as much as Karina does. She’s probably told them how much of a son of a bitch I am. Who can blame her? If I was her, I’d have the same opinion of me as she does. I’m starting to feel like if I keep thinking about the worst, the worst will actually happen. It has so far. I can imagine Karina tearing up and burning all the photos that we’ve taken together, including the one on her nightstand, “In Liebe, Karina.” I may never see that photo again.
I am thankful for the time I did spend with her. I will always be thankful. But if there’s one piece of help that I need right now, it’s a drink. And that’s just the excuse I need to get out of the apartment. I’ve been a complete hermit the past three days, so some alcohol in my body might help me with the process of moving on. But I better watch out
, I don’t want to overindulge and become a full-fledged alcoholic.
The only place I think to go is back to Jade’s Pub, which is only across the street.
At least it’s somewhere not in my apartment. It’s evening right now, so it’s the best time to go. I throw on a black t-shirt and jeans and force myself to leave. The hallway and the lobby feels so haunting and unfamiliar, I am almost uncomfortable enough to go racing back to my room. But I can’t. I need to move forward If I ever want to be happy again.
Once outside the front doors, everything feels so foreign, and I feel out of place. So quiet, the crickets fill the streets with their music. There aren’t very many cars around,
so hopefully there aren’t very many people inside the bar. I’d love to have a good conversation with someone right about now, and hopefully someone in there is feeling the same way as well. At least it may take my mind off Karina for a short while. I have to keep a strong mind.
I don’t want to drink more than I should, and wake up tomorrow feeling so bad, with such a blistering headache, I won’t be able to get out of bed. I don’t know which pain would feel worse, a really bad hangover or the pain I’ve been living with for the past few days. I think I’d rather live with the hangover, but still, I think I can manage to remain responsible tonight. I always say that, but I usually drink more than I plan on, every time.
I step through the doors, and the same doorman is standing there manning his post. It takes him a few seconds to remember who I am. Right as he was about to ask to see my ID, he finally recognized me and let me in. I haven’t been inside Jade’s Pub the entire time I’ve been with Karina. We usually drink at either my or her apartment, so it’s no wonder the doorman temporarily forgot who I was. He gave the same old nod, signifying I was okay to go drown myself with alcohol. The best thing about this bar is that they will keep serving you drinks, even if you are clearly inebriated. I’m thinking of taking them up on that offer. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it goes.
I take a seat at the bar, then the bartender points at me and says, “Chat Noir?” At least somebody remembered who I was. I nod, then receive the glass, while simultaneously paying him. I sip the beer, which gives me an instant feeling of relief. So I sip more, and more. Then I’m done. I keep my hand around the glass so the bartender doesn’t see that it’s empty. I don’t want him to think I’ve reached full-blown alcoholism just yet.
I race to catch my mind, believing it has already left me. I try hard not to break down in tears in front of the whole bar. I release my hands and wait a minute, then the bartender immediately pours me another drink in a different glass. Once again, I pay him. This time, I take a much slower time to drink it. I looked around the bar while the bartender was pouring my second drink. There are quite a few people here, despite the low number of cars parked outside. It’s still pretty early, not even nine o’ clock yet.
When I’m about half way done with my second glass, which took a modest five minutes, I hear a voice. A woman’s voice.
“How funny running into you again. Somehow I knew that eventually we’d see each other again,” the voice says, as her body creeps into the peripheral of my left eye. I turn my head, and see a beautiful blonde woman in a red blouse taking a seat next to me. The woman was Bibi.
“Hello,” I say with amazement. I never
thought I would see Bibi again after all this time, and in the exact same place, not to mention. The bartender pointed to her and said, “What can I get for you?”
“I’ll have what he’s having,” she answered. A woman like Bibi can get any man to do whatever she wants. All she has to do is say the word. Bibi’s eyes can get a point across without even having to speak. It is almost like she possesses mind control.
“So how have you been, Luke?” she asks.
“Honestly, up until a few days ago, I was perfect. Maybe not
perfect
, but okay. Now I’m just worse. But I don’t desire to burden you with my problems. I think I’d rather listen to you. How have you been?”
“Okay, okay,” she responds. She seems disappointed that I didn’t tell her the whole story. “I’ve been working, living, whatever. But I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t ask why you’re feeling bad. I promise, you won’t bore me. Go ahead. It’s obvious that you haven’t really talked about what’s bothering you, so go on. I’m listening.” I never thought that a girl from a one night stand would become one of the better friends I have ever had. And I’m glad I met Bibi, and I’m glad I ran into her tonight.
“Alright. I’ve been dating a girl for the past few months. I met her a few nights after we… met. Everything was perfect. She was the girl of my dreams. I mean no couple is perfect, every couple has their ups and downs. But a few days ago, we had a fight. I’m not sure if we’re going to get back together. I’ve tried calling and texting her, but she won’t answer. All of this brings me to right now. I forced myself to get out of my apartment just so I could get some fresh air for a change. I don’t know what else to do now. I could go over to her place, knock on her door, and beg her to take me back, but after what happened, I don’t think she even wants to look at me.”
Bibi looks sorry for me, like I’m a wounded bird. “What happened? How did things go wrong?” she asked.
“It doesn’t matter now. All I should say is that I kept something from her that I shouldn’t have. I blame myself. But really, I think it would be a lot more interesting to hear about you. Listening to myself talk only makes me feel worse about myself. I would really like to hear about you. We didn’t really get to know each other that well last time. Are you seeing anyone?”
“Are you trying to ask me out?” she questions, sounding cautious, while at the same time, an inviting look appears on her face.
“No,” I say, giving the first laugh and smile I’ve given in days. “I’m only trying to change the subject.”
“Oh,” she says, chuckling along. “To answer your question, no, I’m not. I
t would appear that I haven’t met the right guy yet. But on the bright side, I’m still young and have plenty of time left.”