Closed Doors (13 page)

The house is cold and Christmas is around the corner. I don’t believe in Santa but I still want presents and I am worried Ma and Da have forgotten about me altogether.

I also worry for my new trousers. Every Christmas time I get a pair to match whatever jumper Granny or Ma has knitted for the school dance. When I remind Granny about the party she is delighted to produce the red-and-white jersey she knitted in the summertime. It’s the most horrible thing you’ve ever seen, but it’s also what I have to wear to the school dance and so I don’t complain. Ma buys the trousers from McMillan’s on the high street and they are too small for my legs. She never gets anything right. She’s even stopped doing her course. It makes me angry and I want to scream at her for being so stupid for not noticing my size. I can actually see my ankles in the trousers she buys and so she takes them back to the shop, but there are no more in brown and so I have to wear a pair in girly cream. I hate them, but wear them anyway. I’m too fed up to care.

At the party I dance with lots of girls, but not Marianne or Dirty Alice. I would rather dance with Laura Jones, who lives on a farm and smells like a cow. I don’t hold her hand though; I grab at her finger and twirl her around without touching her too much. She’s a bit of a dog and it is embarrassing for any boy to be near her, but the teachers make you, otherwise she would sit in a corner and chew her own hands off.

When we sit down for our juice and our Christmas fairy cakes I start to feel sick. I can’t explain it. My stomach starts to turn and I feel cold in my face.

‘Are you all right, Michael?’ says Mrs Roy. ‘You’re as white as a ghost.’

‘I’m fine,’ I say.

‘Away to the nurse,’ she says.

‘I don’t want the nurse,’ I say.

‘Come on now,’ says Mrs Roy and takes me by the shoulder. ‘Let’s go.’

It embarrasses me to have the teacher lift me from my chair, everyone is looking, but I also feel unwell and think maybe I should go to the nurse.

When I stand up the room starts to wobble and I fall over and hit my head, that’s how I end up in Kenny’s da’s ambulance. It is very clean.

When I get to the hospital torchlights are flashed across my eyes and pumps are placed upon my arms.

‘He’s fine,’ says the doctor to Ma.

‘Thanks be to God,’ says Granny.

Da wasn’t there. He was at home asleep no doubt, after his beers and his bottle.

‘He just had a turn,’ says the doctor. ‘Keep a wee eye on him and if he has any kind of episode like today then we’ll send him up to Inverclyde and have him checked out properly.’

Granny crosses herself.

Inverclyde is on the mainland and a very serious hospital; people go there when they have cancer or bad kidneys. When Grandpa Jake went to Inverclyde he never came back. I hope I never go to Inverclyde, and when they give me the orange juice to make me better I drink every last drop until I feel warm again.

‘He’s not eating enough,’ says Granny to Ma.

‘He eats plenty,’ says Ma.

‘You need some stew,’ says Granny. Ma rolls her eyes to heaven and I think maybe Inverclyde is a good idea after all.

MA DECIDES TO
do a spot of decorating before Christmas. She starts with the living room. It is a big job and we have to pull at the wallpaper with scrapers and knives to make the walls smooth and without crinkles.

‘The new paper will look beautiful and without any creases or bumps,’ says Ma.

It is a boring job, scraping paper from walls, but everyone helps. Da goes mad about it all, especially when he has to move furniture and things like that. He moves it all anyway and then gets to the pasting. When the living room is done it looks nice and Ma decides the whole house has to be done. This isn’t what Da wants.

‘That’s a big job, Rosemary,’ says Da.

‘You can’t have one room papered and the rest of the rooms looking like shit. If you’re going to do a job then let’s do it,’ snaps Ma.

‘I said no,’ whispers Da and then heads to the door.

Ma seems itchy. She has lots of energy all of a sudden and wants to do everything.

‘What’s the matter, Rosemary?’ asks Granny.

‘Nothing,’ she says, but it’s something. She starts to tidy things away and this makes Granny annoyed because everything is already tidied away. Granny keeps the house spotless but then Ma fetches a pail of water and starts in with the cleaning of the windows.

‘I did them yesterday,’ nips Granny.

‘I want to do them again,’ says Ma and that’s what she does. She’s rough with the cloth and the water and throws herself in and out the pail like she wants to dive inside it and swim away. Granny leaves the room and lets Ma get on with it. I follow Granny. Ma is getting on all our nerves.

When Da comes back he brings home the biggest tree you have ever seen and it makes Ma as mad as a hare because it goes all the way to the ceiling and bends at the top. It’s a brilliant tree, but Ma makes Da take it outside to cut the top off for the paper star. It is still too big and covers the front of the radiator and makes Granny think there will be a fire. I wonder the same but Da says everyone is daft. The tree even rips a little of Ma’s new paper in the corner of the room and that makes Ma pull the worst face at Da’s back. She is keeping her temper down, which isn’t like her at all, but Da has a drink on him and so making faces at him when he can’t see is the best thing to do. Granny keeps shaking her head at everyone but mostly the madness in Ma and Da.

‘We have to buy more decorations for the tree, Brian,’ says Ma.

‘What’s wrong with the ones we have?’ says Da.

‘This is a bigger tree,’ says Ma. ‘We usually have a smaller one, our lights won’t go once round this one. I don’t have enough Christmas balls or tinsel either.’

‘Then we’ll get them. You and me, Michael. What do you think? You’ll need more chocolates no doubt if we’re to cover the damn thing,’ says Da and this makes me excited. I always get chocolates spread across the tree wrapped in shiny paper and looking like wise men. It is good of Da to remind everyone. We’ll need hundreds.

‘It’s late,’ says Ma.

‘We have plenty of time,’ says Da.

Da eventually squeezes the tree into the corner of the room and it doesn’t look bad at all, but Ma still hates it and walks from the room.

‘I’ll take Michael to the shops and get the decorations then. Come on, Michael.’

I run for my socks and shoes but it’s not a nice trip. We stop off at the pub first and Da has another pint. I am not allowed in the pub but I can have a lemonade and a packet of crisps on the pavement outside the bar. It’s cold and my bum goes hard under my legs because Da takes a long time coming from the pub and I’m freezing. It’s also getting dark and I worry Woolworths will be closing.

‘Now don’t be telling your ma or your granny about the pint, OK?’

I nod although I am annoyed I have to lie about something so stupid.

‘Let’s go to Woolworths for those decorations now. If you’re a good boy I’ll get you an Advent calendar.’

I’m sure the selling of Advent calendars is over since Christmas Day is the very next day but maybe if there are any left we might get a good deal on them. I’m hopeful anyway.

Da swings around Woolworths throwing everything and anything into the basket. I get my own basket for the chocolates. Da says I can have what I want and gets me two boxes of wise men. I am thrilled until I bump into Dirty Alice at the Pick ’n’ Mix. Luke is at the records. I look around for Mr McFadden and instead I see Miss Connor with her own basket; I don’t know what she’s buying. Anyway Da is on her aisle looking for shaving foam and when he sees the woman our family has shamed he jumps a little, but Miss Connor doesn’t notice and seems glad to see him.

Watching them talk I can see Miss Connor has changed since the attack. She has long dark roots and she doesn’t need the wheelchair any more, although she walks with a limp on account of the damage done to her hip, that’s what Granny says. Miss Connor and Da are in deep conversation when Mr McFadden appears, carrying a hose. You can buy anything in Woolworths. Mr McFadden and Da shake hands. Soon Da is nodding his head a lot, they are all talking very seriously, and suddenly Miss Connor’s crying and in Mr McFadden’s arms. I wonder if Da has told them about Ma. That would be a disaster. Da pats Miss Connor’s arm and she taps at his hand.

‘Luke!’ yells Mr McFadden. ‘We’re going.’

Luke is paying for something at the record counter but when he sees how upset Miss Connor is he runs to her side like the good little boy he is. Everyone in the shop is staring at the drama.

‘What did your stupid da say to Louisa?’ snips Dirty Alice, who is not only picking the mixes, she is actually eating them without paying for them. What a little shoplifter. I hate her more than ever before.

When we get home Da doesn’t mention Mr McFadden or Miss Connor. He just gets busy around the tree. Granny has made mulled wine and I get hot Ribena. Da takes charge of the lights. It doesn’t go well because the lights won’t switch on and we have to spend a long time finding the faulty bulb and then replacing it with one that will make our tree be brilliant. We meddle for hours. Ma drinks all the mulled wine and then falls asleep on the sofa. Everyone forgets about the silver-wrapped wise men I have in my bag. I eat all of them.

The tree pops and Da is triumphant. It looks beautiful but Ma is asleep and can’t see. Granny admires it but footers around the branches across the radiator.

‘I need to cut these away,’ says Granny.

‘You’ll do no such thing,’ snaps Da. ‘It’s fine the way it is.’ Da leaves the room with a slammed door. Ma is jolted from her sleep.

‘He’ll have us burned in our beds,’ says Granny and pulls scissors from her apron, cutting all the branches that cover the radiator. It makes a C shape. Da will go bonkers, I think.

Despite the grumbling from Ma she likes the tree but she is upset I ate the chocolates. We turn off the house lights and in the dark the tree sparkles and makes us all glad it is Christmas. It warms the room and for a minute everything feels good. I think of all the presents I will get. I think of the gloves I got for my granny, the comb I got for my da and the chocolates with the pink bear that I got for my ma. Everyone will be pleased. We will eat turkey with roast potatoes, carrots and Brussels sprouts. I hate them but I will get them on my plate anyway. Granny will make her Christmas gravy and we’ll have the pudding she ordered from the catalogue.

Da wants us all to go to chapel on Christmas Eve but Ma won’t go.

‘I have no interest in your icons and candles,’ says Ma.

‘Then are you interested that Patrick Thompson is no longer a suspect in the Louisa Connor rape? Not enough evidence,’ says Da.

‘Thank God,’ says Granny and crosses herself.

‘I wouldn’t look so relieved, Rosemary, because half this town still thinks he did it. Louisa Connor thinks she’s being denied justice. She’s beside herself with grief.’

‘At least he’s not going to jail,’ says Ma.

‘Jail would be a safer place for him right now. Everyone here hates him. And you do realise the real monster is still out there, that there might be more Louisa Connors, and then what? If anyone needs icons and the forgiveness of God then it’s you, Rosemary Murray.’

‘Then why don’t you tell them?’ Ma cries. ‘Go on, tell them. March into the police station and then come home to an empty house because I won’t be in it any more.’

Da reddens with rage. He hates this truth. My ma is his one true weakness in life. He loves her more than his own breath. He would die if she left him. We all love Ma and she knows it. She climbs the stairs to her bedroom in silence. As she reaches the top Da shouts up after her.

‘That’s the stuff, Rosemary. You take one of your wee pills and this will all go away,’ shouts Da. Ma closes the door to her room and Da shakes his head in disgust.

‘Are you coming, Michael?’ Granny says, handing me my coat.

I nod and hope my ma won’t hate me for going. I want to tell her that I am only going for her and that I will ask God to forgive her, that I will ask God to forgive us all.

EVEN THOUGH IT
snows, Christmas Day is a disaster. I give out my presents and all I get are mumbles from Da, a kiss from Granny and a pat on the head from Ma. There are no hugs or excitement from anyone except me.

I get a bike with streamers. It’s a red Chopper. I could faint like a girl. I get an Etch A Sketch, a car that moves with batteries, an itchy pair of gloves and a scarf knitted by Granny. I also get a Cadbury’s stocking stuffed with chocolate, an Action Man with a truck and a change of clothes. I am very happy with my loot, especially the chocolates in the stocking. You can never have enough chocolate on Christmas Day.

Da got Ma a coat. She said it was lovely.

‘That’s lovely, Brian,’ she says. ‘Thank you very much,’ and then she folds it onto the floor.

Da got Granny a blender, which she went mad for, and Ma got Da a shaver because Da has grown a beard and Ma hates it and so it was less of a present and more of a hint. Granny and Ma got each other the same thing because they cheated and went to Woolworths together. It was make-up and nail varnishes, even though Ma isn’t making herself up too much these days. It was like no one could be bothered buying presents for each other, only me.

Dinner was quiet, we listened to Christmas songs on the radio and I complained about the Brussels sprouts, I always complain about the Brussels sprouts. I don’t know why anyone would grow them at all, they’re rank. Anyway I wasn’t very hungry with all the chocolate I had eaten but nobody cared too much. I still ate the pudding. I love the pudding.

I take my bike outside, mainly to show it off to the boys. I can’t ride it on account of the thick snow but I want everyone to see it. Paul also got a bike, it’s purple and it’s a racer. I can see he’s jealous of the Chopper though but he tries not to show it. Fat Ralph’s ma and da have no money. His da is on the dole like mine, but he doesn’t have a money pot like we have from Grandpa Jake and so Fat Ralph gets his ma and da’s video recorder for his bedroom, which is a bit of a shame, but it’s also good news for us because we can watch pirate tapes and maybe we can get
E.T.
from Knobby Doyle. He also gets a stocking of chocolates and we’re made up for him. I tell him he can have first go of my Chopper when the snow lifts. He’s pleased. We decide to have a snow fight and Dirty Alice, who got Sindy dolls and caravans and a doll’s house for Christmas, comes to join in. I don’t really want to play with her but it’s snowing and you can’t really stop people who want to throw snowballs at you. Anyway it’s a good way to thump her and not get into trouble and so Dirty Alice gets my first snowball smack in the face, but Dirty Alice is fast and throws one right back at me and before you know it someone is shouting, ‘Snowball fight!’ Everyone is at it except Marianne and Tracey, who make snowmen then roll about making snow angels.