Closed Doors (3 page)

I LISTEN AT
doors now. It’s the only way to find out stuff. No one tells me anything.

When Ma comes home from the hospital she looks worse than she did before. Her face is like a balloon and she has stitches, some on her cheek and one above her lip.

I hear Da tell Granny the police can’t touch him because Ma said he didn’t hurt her, but the police don’t believe her anyway. I know no one told them about the flasher.

‘I’d be shamed,’ she says to Granny.

‘If it was a different town,’ sighs Granny.

‘But it’s not!’ snaps Da and goes back to his paper. I wonder if he’s even reading it.

Things go very quiet at home for a while. No one listens to the radio and when I watch TV I have to keep the sound very low so as not to upset Ma. Da doesn’t talk about Margaret Thatcher even though we might be going to war soon and everyone is talking about it at school. My teacher Mrs Roy says we are the owners of the Falkland Islands and Argentina is trying to steal them from us. She says our prime minister will do what is right for the country because she is a great woman. Deirdra Smith yells ‘Boo’ and calls the prime minister a ‘milk snatcher’. No one knows what Deirdra is talking about and she is sent to the headmistress. When she comes back to class Mrs Roy makes her sit on her own and write lines. When I told my da what Mrs Roy said and what Deirdra yelled he didn’t say anything. Da doesn’t care about Margaret Thatcher any more. He doesn’t even go to the pub on a Sunday to play darts. Da loves darts.

Ma’s been off work for a couple of weeks and Granny uses her medical experience to help her as much as she can. I think my granny must have been a good nurse. Anyway when Tricia Law comes to visit her Tricia gets the shock of her life because of all the stitches on Ma’s face.

‘That was some fall,’ Tricia says to Ma.

Granny offers Tricia a seat but she’s secretly annoyed I let Tricia into the house at all, but Tricia has been to the house a thousand times to smoke and drink tea and I thought Ma would like to see her. Da looks like he’s going to kill me. Ma looks like she’s going to cry. I am sent out to play.

Eventually I see Tricia leave the house. She is going to work and will probably walk through the park to clean the school. I want to tell her about the flasher.

‘Hey, Michael, come here a minute,’ she calls.

I put down the football and run to her. Tricia always has sweets and chewing gum in her purse. I like Tricia; she is my favourite friend of Ma’s and is always laughing about this thing and that thing. She’s fun to have around. I thought she might cheer Ma up, but she didn’t.

‘How’s your da?’ she says.

‘Fine,’ I say back.

‘Whereabouts did your ma fall?’ she asks.

‘On the stairs in front of the house,’ I say because we have hard stairs and that’s what Da told me to say if anyone asks.

‘Is that right?’ she says. She takes some gum out of her purse. It’s Juicy Fruit. I love Juicy Fruit. She gives me two pieces and a big smile. She takes out her cigarettes because she likes to smoke like Ma and Granny. Everyone likes to smoke round here and it drives me mad.

‘You know you can come to me about anything funny going on, Michael?’ she says. ‘I know your da likes his beer, but if he’s ever shouting or making you or your ma scared you tell me, OK?’

I nod.

‘See you later,’ she says. ‘And be a good boy for your ma.’

I nod again and she walks away. She is going to clean the school and will probably take the short cut through the park. I want to tell her she’s in danger but I am too scared of Da and I am called in for my tea. I decide to ignore Granny’s call and follow Tricia instead. It’s still light out and maybe I can catch the flasher and everyone will be happy.

Tricia walks fast and it’s hard to sneak behind her and not be caught. I know Granny and Da will kill me when I don’t come in for my tea but saving Tricia from a pervert and his dirty willy is more important.

Tricia smokes her cigarette as if nothing will happen to her and it won’t because I am right behind her. I follow her all the way along Caledonia Walk and wait for her to turn into the park but that’s not what happens, she meets Skinny Rab and they disappear into a dark place until they’re giggling and laughing and having a good time in the bushes. They take a long time by the wood and eventually Skinny Rab comes out pulling at his fly. Tricia follows him and gives him a big kiss, then Tricia says goodbye and turns into Barone Road. She’s not going through the park after all. Skinny Rab waves at her and goes home to Marianne and her ma. I go home to my house. I get a kick up the arse from Da and I’m sent to my room without any tea but I don’t care, I don’t care about anything at all.

IT’S BEEN WELL
over a month now and Granny says Ma has to pull herself together. Granny says she has to get on with her life. Ma nods and gets out of bed, and then goes to the bathroom and everyone rolls their eyes to heaven. Da asks about the flasher every chance he gets.

‘Try and remember something, anything. He’s out there, Rosemary. He might hurt someone else. I don’t want that on my conscience.’

It makes Ma cry when he says this.

‘I just want to get on with my life and forget,’ she says, or ‘You know how they are round here’ or ‘Stop asking me that’ or ‘I can’t remember’ or ‘What are you trying to say, Brian?’ Mostly she says she can’t remember. It drives Da wild. He banged a door once and put a dent in it. Granny went off her head and told him to calm down.

‘You think this is helping?’ screams Granny.

‘I can’t take it,’ he says. ‘The bastard is out there. He’s walking around, Ma. I want him dead. I want him under this fist begging for his life.’

‘You think she doesn’t?’ yells Granny.

Da shames quickly. Granny usually knows what to say, not all the time, but a lot of the time. Da grabs his coat.

‘Where are you going?’ says Granny.

‘For a walk,’ growls Da.

‘You won’t find him, Brian. He’s gone now,’ Granny tells him. Da still goes out and Granny shakes her head and sighs. He won’t be back until late and without chips, just the smell of fresh air from all his searching.

Ma has to have a bath every night and uses up all the hot water. She also makes Da sleep on the sofa, it’s like she can’t stand him sometimes. It drives everyone mad because it’s not Da’s fault, but no one says anything because of the flasher. Then Da starts asking Ma if she’s OK, like all the time. It gets on her nerves after a while.

‘Stop asking me that. I’m fine,’ she tells him.

‘You’re far from fine,’ says Da.

Granny says Ma should go back to work or people will start to wonder what’s wrong with her. Da says Ma isn’t ready. Ma says nothing. Granny says Da has to get a job or use some of Grandpa Jake’s money then.

‘We can’t live on fresh air,’ says Granny.

‘She’s NOT ready,’ repeats Da and slaps his paper on the table.

‘People will think we’re keeping her prisoner or something. She’s never out the house,’ says Granny.

‘I don’t give a flying fuck what people think,’ says Da.

I know serious things are being said when the F-word is being used but no one throws me from the room. No one has thrown me from the room in a long time. They’re so upset about the flasher they forget I’m standing there at all.

‘Well, I do,’ screams Granny and slaps a tea cloth on the table. I feel bad for the table.

Ma sighs and tells them to stop fighting and agrees to go back to work. This makes Granny happy.

‘It’s for the best,’ says Granny.

‘It’s a mistake,’ says Da.

‘Your ma’s right. I need to move on,’ whispers Ma.

‘But you’re not ready, it’s only just happened,’ yells Da.

‘To who, Brian? To you?’ yells Ma.

‘To everyone in this house,’ snaps Da.

Everything goes still for a minute. Ma picks up some laundry.

‘I’m only thinking of you,’ calms Da.

He puts his hand on Ma’s shoulder. She wriggles away from him.

‘Leave me be then,’ she says.

‘You’re doing the right thing, Rosemary. Put this behind you and get on with your life.’

Da gives Granny the dirtiest look I’ve ever seen and storms off as usual. He’s not welcome anyway. Ma and Granny are fed up with him and so am I. He’s always angry or sad, noisy or quiet. It’s hard to know with him these days. Ma wants to fold the laundry and Granny wants to make her terrible cake. I don’t know what I want.

After the laundry is folded and Granny’s sponge is baked Granny suggests a walk down the town. I think this is a good idea. Ma’s face is better and she can walk without limping. Da hates the whole thing.

‘She needs some air about her,’ snaps Granny.

‘She needs to rest,’ yells Da.

‘Would you two stop talking about me as if I’m not here?’ screams Ma.

My head is pounding with the three of them. Everyone yelling and slamming doors. It’s a madhouse.

‘I think a walk would do me good,’ agrees Ma, but in a whisper, as if she’s not too sure.

‘You don’t have to do this,’ says Da.

Ma shrugs him away. She grabs for her coat and the whole family goes down the town. I get pocket money from Da, a whole fifty pence. I love him for that. Ma looks nervous, but Granny tells her to put a brave face on. Da tells her she’ll be OK. Granny tells her no one knows anything and not to worry. Da tells me to keep my trap shut about the flasher. Then Granny says we should go to the Tartan Tea Room for a spot of lunch. I could burst with excitement. They do great milkshakes and serve the best scones. I think it’s great Ma is getting out of the house.

We don’t have a car and so we walk to town, but no one minds because it’s a nice day.

Da walks next to Ma and Granny holds my hand, but I pull away. I don’t want Granny holding my hand. Holding hands is what girls do with their mas. Da tries to take Ma’s hand but she doesn’t want to hold hands either. She holds tight to her leather handbag instead. No one says much until we meet Mrs Maitland coming from the chapel. Mrs Maitland is always coming from the chapel where she cleans things up and arranges flowers. Granny says she’s sucking up to the priest to get a better place in heaven. Mrs Maitland talks about this thing and that thing and everyone nods their head in agreement, but then she says Da should think about getting me baptised. Ma says ‘No’ because her mother and father were Protestants. This disappoints Granny because she’s a Catholic and goes to Mass every Sunday. Recently Da has been going with her, like last Sunday and the Sunday before that. It made Ma angry but he says he needs to go.

‘You’re not the only one going through this, Rosemary,’ he says to her. She throws a brush at him, but he ducks and it hits the wall. He wants to take me with him to the chapel but Ma says it isn’t allowed and so I stay and eat the fairy cakes Granny’s left for me, they’re like little rocks but Granny likes to bake so you don’t say anything, especially at the moment with everything being so strange.

Being alone with Ma isn’t very nice.

‘How is school?’ she asks me.

‘It’s OK, Ma,’ I tell her.

She wants to ask me something else but the tears come and it makes me feel bad. I want to put my arm around her shoulder but I am afraid to touch her.

I hate that flasher. He’s turned the whole world topsy-turvy, but I also think it was only a willy. Da has one and I have one. Mrs Roy says we need them to make babies. Sometimes boys like to measure their willies, but not in front of girls because that would make them flashers too. Paul has the biggest but if it wasn’t for the bend in mine I would be the biggest by far. Fat Ralph can hardly find his. Paul says it’s like a pig’s curly tail. Poor Ralph. Paul thinks he’s so great at everything. He should try measuring it against his da’s. I bet his da has a giant one and Paul’s would look like a peanut next to it.

Da says Ma’s a very fragile person because of the flasher. Da says we’ve to be very careful around her and watch what we say. I think maybe this flasher had a really scary willy to have made her run so fast and hurt herself so badly. I hope he falls in the Clyde and drowns.

When we get to town Granny suggests Ma go to the hairdresser and get a trim. Ma has the longest hair in the world, but Granny says she has split ends and needs to get them cut. Ma agrees and off she goes to Dana’s Hairsalon. Da wants to go with her but Ma says no and tells him to go for a pint.

The town is busy and it is a nice day. All the shops have their doors open and some of them have the things they want to sell in baskets outside their windows or floating from coat hangers at their doors. The pavements are swept clean and cafes have put out chairs and tables. Old ladies sit in them and have cups of tea with sticky buns. They watch everyone go by and have something to say about most of them. Granny says ‘Hello’ to almost everyone she passes in the street.

‘There are no strangers in Rothesay, Michael. Everyone knows who you are and always will. It’s a blessing but it’s also a curse.’ She says this because of the secret we are keeping about Ma’s flasher.

No one is wearing a jacket on this day except Granny who always expects rain and carries a little umbrella in her handbag. Granny decides to go to the wool shop. She makes me stand beside knitting patterns of stupid boys wearing stupid jerseys in stupid colours. She settles on a red-and-white cardigan worn by a boy she says looks like me, except he doesn’t.

‘It’ll be perfect for the parties at Christmas,’ she says. I say nothing but dread wearing a knitted red jersey to the school dance where girls will say no to you when you ask them to do the Dashing White Sergeant. Also Christmas is miles away, I don’t know why she’s going on about it.

Later we go to Woolworths where I spend my money on Pick ’n’ Mix. I love Pick ’n’ Mix. Then Granny meets Mrs Robertson and they talk for hours and I have to stand there like the invisible boy and watch all the people walk by not caring how bored to death I am. Eventually Mrs Robertson notices me and gives me ten pence. Then she calls me a beautiful child like I’m a baby or something. I hate she says this but it makes Granny happy, as if Mrs Robertson said
she
was a beautiful child. Granny loves all kinds of compliments even if they’re stupid ones. I remember when Ma said to her once, ‘Oh, I love that top, Shirley.’ Granny said she would lend it to her and Ma said, ‘Would you?’ but then Da came home and Ma said, ‘Did you see what she was wearing, Brian?’ Then they had a good laugh together and that made me glad. I like it when they laugh together even if it is about Granny and her clothes that don’t suit her very well.