Closed Hearts (23 page)

Then my brain shut down, because I couldn’t keep that thought without going insane.

I should have slipped away after I escaped the camp, like Simon wanted. Stayed far from everyone I loved and survived as a jacker hidden among the readers. That was the only way any of this could have turned out okay.

But I wasn’t strong enough to do that.

At least with me locked up in Kestrel’s facility, my family was relatively safe. Molloy had no reason to go after them, not with his revenge already exacted on me. He would dispose of Raf’s body and go on his way.

I rolled over and faced the wall. My body ached from being on one side too long. My mind didn’t feel different, but I decided there was no way for me to know if it was spotted with dead zones. Maybe they were already there.

The door clicked open, but I didn’t bother to move. The scuffle of feet on the linoleum told me there were three of them. There were usually three—Kestrel, one of the strong jackers like Harrier or Grizzly, and an orderly or agent like Pemberly. Hard-soled shoes tapped the floor. Those belonged to Kestrel. I kept my eyes shut, wondering if there was any point in resisting this time. Most times I didn’t. They came and went so quickly it was better to get it over with. Sometimes I did, when I couldn’t stand it anymore and anger climbed out of the deep well of my despair. Those times were worse, lasted longer, and were usually more painful for everyone.

Kestrel was right about that—it was easier on me if I cooperated.

“Kira?” Kestrel’s voice was quiet. Did he think I was sleeping, just because my eyes were closed and I was ignoring him?

“Kira’s not home right now,” I said, mustering my best gallows humor. I opened my eyes to stare at the wall. “Please check back later.”

“I’d like to test your strength today,” he said stiffly.

I took a deep breath and rolled over. This time he’d brought a changeling along to be the object of my “strength” testing. I eased my body up to sitting and stretched. Were the aches from my voluntary bed rest or were Kestrel’s chemicals wasting away my body? I supposed it didn’t matter.

“I thought you gave up testing changelings.” The sarcasm was weak this time. I just didn’t have it in me, staring at the dull look in the changeling’s eyes. He was maybe fourteen and looked like he’d been through a lot more of Kestrel’s tests than I had. If there was any justice in the world, Kestrel would suffer a long and painful death. At that moment, I would gladly be the person to make that happen.

Kestrel nodded to Pemberly, his freaky little assistant, who obliged him by jacking into the changeling’s mind. The boy winced, but bore whatever was going on in his head with an infinite amount of patience. Like a dog that’s been beaten so many times he doesn’t even pull away anymore. My hatred for Kestrel stirred, rising up from the depths and hurling me off the cot. I ran straight at Pemberly, shoving him hard and fast. My weight and speed weren’t much, but it was enough to surprise him and he stumbled backward. At the same time, I jacked into the changeling’s mind and found Pemberly inflicting imaginary stomach pain. I flung him out.

Pemberly immediately pushed back in and wrestled with me in the changeling’s mind. I took a threatening step toward Pemberly, fists raised, but Harrier caught hold of my arm. I tried to push Pemberly out again, but I was weaker than I had been in our countless previous sessions. I couldn’t move him at all.

I struggled against Harrier’s grip and he let me go. At the same time, Pemberly fled the changeling’s mind. Air gasped out of me. My head swam. I pulled back to my own mind.

I was weak. Weaker. I could feel it.

A full-body shudder shook me. I stumbled backward and grabbed the cot to sit back down. The injections were finally finding their mark. I tried not to let the panic show on my face, even though Kestrel wasn’t looking at me. He and Pemberly were having a wordless conversation while Kestrel wrote on his scribepad.

They left in a scuffle of feet, just like they had come, taking the changeling with them.

I flopped down on the cot, my stomach threatening to hurl up the oatmeal. I thought I could rescue changelings like the boy with the dull eyes. I thought I could finally stop Kestrel. Instead, I was trapped playing Kestrel’s games, while he slowly worked his way into my head. Bit by bit, with serums and tests, he was getting inside me. He couldn’t jack in—yet—but it was only a matter of time before he would find a way to crack open my head.

My mind fled that thought and landed on the first time I woke up in one of Kestrel’s cells. That was when I discovered I could reach inside my own mind. It was by chance, as I was desperately trying to escape Kestrel and his no-win options of going to the camp or sending jackers there. I found I could speed up my own heart rate to fight off the juice.

Maybe I could do the opposite too.

Was it possible to slow my heart until my mind turned dark and empty, like Simon’s when he died? His mind had hollowed out at the end, empty except for echoes of my thoughts searching for his. Somehow I didn’t think it would work—I would just drive myself unconscious. Maybe I could make my heart stop all at once. By the time I passed out, maybe I would already be dead. Could I do it? Was that the only way out of Kestrel’s trap?

I curled up on the cot, facing away from the door and reaching inside my mind. My body quivered even though I hadn’t done anything yet. I gingerly probed inside my head, suddenly scared of breaking something. Just thinking about what I could do to my own mind sent a part of me howling in protest, like a crazed fiend banging around in my brain. But I didn’t want to be Kestrel’s guinea pig any more. I wanted to stop him before it got to the point where I no longer could. Maybe I couldn’t rescue anyone, not even myself. Maybe I couldn’t stop him from experimenting on other jackers. But I could stop him from using
me
.

I pulled out of the exploration of my head, took a shaky breath, and ran my hands along my face, scrubbing some feeling back into it. Could I do this? I stared at the wet streaks along my palms. I hadn’t even realized the tears were leaking out. I blinked and the synth tattoo on my wrist seemed to jump through the blurriness of my vision, as if the red lines of the Celtic knot were alive and the two pieces of the heart were reaching for each other with their tangled strings. Somewhere, Raf’s tattoo was the same—two halves, reaching for each other. I touched the lines on my skin, drawing them closer together.

All the running, all the hiding, all the changing of our names, my hair, my looks. All of it was my attempt to keep the people I loved safe from the danger I had brought into their lives: the haters who vented their fear with bricks through our front window; the jackers who attacked us in Gurnee; Molloy, the clan leader who delivered me back to Kestrel for revenge. All my attempts to hide, to be someone else, to keep everyone safe, and Raf
still
ended up in Molloy’s hands. The changelings were still in prison, and now the mages were too. All of it… for nothing.

Kestrel had won.

If I slowed my heartbeat down until my mind emptied… that was just another way to hide.

Another way to let Kestrel win.

As long as I was alive, as long as my mind was intact, there was the possibility of getting out and finding Raf—even if it was only to bring his body home to his family. I might never get out of Kestrel’s cell. I might end up wasting away like Liam in the demens ward. But I would fight Kestrel every step of the way, with everything I had, until I had no fight left in me.

I wouldn’t let him win by giving up.

The door swished open behind me. I frowned at the wall. It was unusual for Kestrel to return so soon.

“Kira!” That
voice
. It didn’t belong to Kestrel. I rolled over fast. Kestrel and Harrier flanked a new jacker prisoner.

Julian.

“Kira, sweetheart, thank God you’re all right!” Julian crossed the six feet between the door and my cot in two long strides.

Sweetheart?

Before I could say anything, Julian went down on one knee, took my face in his hands, and kissed me. It was over before I could react. His hands slid around my back and he crushed me in a hug, his cheek pressed to mine.

“Kira, darling,” he said. “I was so worried about you.”

I had no idea what Julian was up to. I tried to play along by patting his back, but my arms were trapped in his embrace. His lips hovered near my ear and breathed a whisper across it. “Link with me, keeper.”

What?
I reflexively stiffened and tried to pull away, but he just held me tighter. My body twitched as I slowly reached for his mind. Instead of being gripped by an unfathomable horror, I was enveloped in an amazing sense of belonging. Of being loved. It was a warm bath of happiness that filled me with light.

And suddenly I realized that I loved Julian.

I closed my eyes and bunched his shirt in my fingers, pulling him closer. I had always loved him, from the first moment I saw him, waking me up on the couch with that gentle touch. I knew down to my core that he loved me too, and his love was all that I needed to live and breathe and exist. It completed me in a way I hadn’t even known I was missing.

I love you, Julian.
I twisted in his arms to plant kisses on his cheek and tried to wiggle out of his grasp so that I could reach his lips.

He gripped me so hard that his hands dug into my back.
I’m sorry,
Julian’s thoughts said.
I’m sorry, Kira, I didn’t know.
His words didn’t make any sense to me. What could he be sorry for? He was wonderful and perfect and—

The blissful feeling of being in his arms dialed down, and my own rational thoughts fought through the haze. How could I possibly love Julian? He was the demens revolutionary who had dragged me into this mess with Kestrel. My shoulders hunched up as a chill ran down my back. Was Julian in my head? What was he
doing
to me?

Kira, I’m so sorry,
Julian’s thoughts cut through mine.
I didn’t know the effect would be so strong, but we only have a few moments. Whatever Kestrel asks of you, just do it, okay? Play along. I have a plan.

Julian pulled back, opening a narrow space between us. I forced my eyes open, but had a hard time focusing. He looked down at my t-shirt.
They took your scrubs, didn’t they?

I blinked, my mind befuddled by whatever Julian had done.
Handled
me. I recognized it in my mind, but my instincts still told me that Julian loved me. That I had let him down by not keeping hold of the thought grenades.
I’m sorry.
I tried Julian, but I couldn’t reach the tablets
…

It’s okay.
He gently took my hand and pressed it over his heart.

Something hard underneath his shirt poked into my palm. Something small that didn’t belong there. The third thought grenade!

It took everything I had not to show the recognition on my face.

Just play along,
Julian thought again.

“That’s enough, Mr. Navarro.” Kestrel’s voice cut through our thoughts and Harrier grabbed Julian’s arm, yanking him up from the floor. My hands clutched at Julian to keep him in my arms, but his slick shirt slipped through my fingers. That false feeling of transcendent love had faded, but the whisper of it still tugged my mind and seemed to control my body.

Was that what Julian wanted? For me to act like we were lovers?

Harrier wrenched Julian away and mentally slammed me back into my own head. Kestrel took a step back and nodded to Harrier.

Julian’s striking blue eyes captured me in a way that wouldn’t let me go. “Everything’s going to be all right, sweetheart.”

Hearing Julian call me sweetheart caused an emotional vertigo that had me bracing myself on the edge of the cot. The feeling of overwhelming love surged up again and crashed into the rational part of me that knew it was only a lie he had told Kestrel. Was that how Julian managed to get to my cell? Kestrel was just the type to use that information against us in his twisted experiments.

Harrier focused on Julian, making him drop to his knees, eyes squeezed shut.

“Stop!” My hands flung out, the reflex still strong and sudden inside me.

“By all means, please do try.” Kestrel barely looked up from his scribepad.

I closed my eyes and plunged into Julian’s mind, expecting to find Harrier tormenting him deep inside, but instead I was enveloped in that bath of happiness again. It surprised me how much I craved it, how I soaked it up into every corner of my mind. Only there wasn’t enough of it. The bath had turned lukewarm, the kind that gives you the chills even though it still has warmth. The disappointment was like a hole in my chest. Beyond the lack of fake instant-love, Julian’s head was strangely empty of thoughts as well. Harrier chased a sim at the edges of Julian’s mind.

While he’s distracted, we have to talk quickly.
Julian’s thoughts echoed, as if being projected in from the outside. I had to open my eyes again to check. On the outside Julian was writhing in a false picture of torment. On the inside, Harrier believed he was actually inflicting pain. But Julian’s thoughts were as calm as a mirrored lake.