Closer to the Heart (The Heart Trilogy Book 3) (42 page)

Chapter 59

1st January, 2042

Another year and another new diary to write, albeit an electronic one these days I thought as I looked up from my rocking chair on the veranda. I would be 70 years old this year and even now the view still took my breath away. I never tired of the vineyards before me, the sea on the horizon as the sun left its watery night time bed.

“Coffee” James called from the kitchen.

“Yes please, drop some of that cinnamon syrup in it”

I waited but then I heard a cry from the house and the sound of breaking china. I rushed inside to find James collapsed on the floor, his body shaking. His seizures were getting worse. I phoned for an ambulance and then knelt beside him, cradling his body and still feeling that magnetic draw that our love held.

As I waited in the hospital Sebastian walked in, responding to my call. His wife Vanessa followed him as he raced to comfort me.

“Is it a bad one?”

“Yes, they're getting worse....I don't know how much this will wipe him out” I mumbled, glad of his company.

“Do they know what's causing them?”

“Not yet, he's due for another scan next week so they might bring it forward now he's here”

Nessa passed me a coffee and I gulped it down, as always every trip to the hospital bought back a ream of different memories. Sometimes it was my visit, sometimes a flashback to Charlotte's birth or in turn the birth of our grandchildren Francis and Johnny or Stella and Matt.

The doctor found me and explained that they would keep James in for a day and try to bring the scan booking forward. I let Seb drive me home and I sat back out on the porch. With a glass of wine in hand I wondered when the best time to let Darren, Sophie, Mitchell and Charlotte know about James' health. They had last visited us in New Zealand four years ago for James' 70th Birthday and they were due again this year for mine.

In bed alone I turned on the radio for comfort, a vintage station was playing hits from the past. For some reason one song stood out. I'd heard of Rush but never really took time to listen to many of their songs until now. The final words called to me.

“Sailing into destiny, closer to the Heart”

3rd January, 2042

I went to collect James from hospital and to hear the results of the scan. Sitting beside him in the office I reached out and clasped his hand tightly. He looked across at me, his eyes dulled from the last seizure but as ever a brief smile played on his lips.

“Mr and Mrs Cooke, I'm afraid it’s not good news”

I blinked, trying to rid my mind of the spinning feeling that was starting.

“Following the scan we've found a dark mass on the brain which is causing pressure and the seizures. Now there are two options open to you. We can do a procedure where we extract a segment for analysis and then we can look into treatment. The other is to just treat is as a tumour and try to shrink it with medication. Both have pro's and con's to them, especially at your age”

“Thanks Doctor, can we have some time to think and discuss this”

“Yes Mrs Cooke, but if you want to try the procedure it could be fatal”

“And without”

I looked to see the sheer fear in James' eyes, his hand gripped mine tightly on his thigh.

“Well, pretty much the same, the seizures will get worse until one will eventually....”

He didn't need to say the words, they were already swirling through my mind, turning my heart cold as ice and making my scars itch.

In a daze we left the consulting room and I drove us down to the harbour. It was a beautiful warm, summer day and I longed to feel the wind whipping my hair.

“Let’s take the yacht out” I said, pulling him from the car.

“Yes, I'd like that” he replied and I tried to ignore the slow way he was speaking.

Russell's son ran the yard and I greeted him as we walked past.

“Nice day for it” he shouted.

“Looks it” I replied, already tasting the tang of the salt on the breeze. James boarded and untied the ropes. Over the years I had taught him to sail, with the help of Seb and we both enjoyed cutting through the waves.

I turned the boat to the left as we cleared the harbour walls, I knew exactly where we needed to be to have a talk about all the options laid before us.

We always kept the yacht loaded with towels and when I moored us in our usual bay James grinned at me. The sparkle was returning to his blue eyes as I pulled the t-shirt over my head. With the towels in a waterproof bag we both took the plunge over the side and into the blue below. The swim was leisurely and on the beach we spread the towels out and lay down to dry. James turned on his side and I matched him so that I could drink him all in. He was still my man, his muscles were still defined as he never gave up his daily gym routine if he could help it.

I ran my fingers over his chest and felt him shiver from the touch as his lips curved into a smile.

“Come here you”

“Like this” I said, inching closer so that our wet, salty skin was touching. His lips claimed mine as I sighed into his mouth. I never tired of the touch of his kiss.

“So what shall we do?”

“I don't know, all I know is that I can't live without you”

“Yes you can, you must we have children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren.

“But I don't think I can, remember till the end of time”

“Of course I do, let’s just play it by ear, I don't fancy the surgery”

Lying in the sun, the silence was heavy, impenetrable and ominous. I thought about the song “Closer to the Heart” and a plan started to form in my mind. We swam back to the yacht and started for home, the waves buffeted the bow but we rode them. James stood behind me his hands resting lightly on my shoulders, the touch soothing. In bed that night sleep eluded me and in the end I crept out to the veranda. My mind played through my life like it was a movie reel, each special moment that we had ever shared and I knew. I knew what we had to do.

10
th
January, 2042

Our wills were all written out I just needed to talk to Sebastian, I hoped he would understand and help. Since the bad seizure at the start of the year James had endured another three smaller ones. I knew that our time together was running out, like the sand at the end of the hourglass when it just flows. At lunchtime when James was at the gym I met Seb in the local bar by the harbour.

“G and T” he asked, greeting me in his usual manner with a hug and kiss.

“Yeah” I replied, watching his lean at the bar. We were all regulars here since James and I had moved to take on my Dad's house. He had left it to me in his Will ten years ago. My Mum had departed only five years after Charlotte and Mitchell had got married. Their beach wedding in the Bay of Islands had been perfect and allowed my Dad to meet his Grandchildren Francis and Johnny as three year olds.

“Penny for your thoughts Steph, you were miles away then”

“Sorry, too many memories”

“Nothing wrong with them so long as they're happy ones”

“Oh yes” I replied, taking a sip of the cold drink. It still almost choked me when I tried to swallow.

“So you said you needed my help?”

“Yes, I need you to have this” I passed him an envelope.

“What's in it?”

“All you need to do is keep it safe and if anything happens to James or I then please open it as there is something in there for you. The other envelope is for Mitchell and Charlotte”

He stared at me, his mouth dropped open and he took a gulp of his lager.

“James?”

I held back a sob as tears that I'd held in since the diagnosis fell, like a torrent that would not stop. I stood up and stumbled to the ladies, suddenly realising exactly what I was planning. But in my heart I knew it was the only way. I just hoped the letter would explain it all to my daughter and Mitchell.

Chapter 60

15
th
January, 2042

I sat up late in my favourite rocking chair. I sipped from the glass of Merlot beside me and my favourite playlist on low. As each song played I closed my eyes and found the memory lurking there.

“Different corner by George Michael” and I was staring at a stranger in the swimming pool in Ross. He was tall, blond and nameless.

“Whenever you need somebody by Rick Astley” now James was my friend but I still wanted more.

“Somewhere out there by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram” saying goodbye before anything could happen.

“Faith by George Michael” took me back to that special moment when we became more than friends on Valentine’s Day. Tangled into these memories were those of my best friend Sarah, meeting and falling in love with her husband Chris. Then “Father Figure” when he first told me that he loved me. I opened my eyes to take a look at the photo album I held in my lap. I stared at the picture of the four of us at our School leaving dance. More through the years, their wedding, my first wedding, Charlotte's birth and finally the precious arrival of James Christopher the longed for child, and our handsome god-son, they believed they would never have.

I flipped the page over and saw him now, a grown man with his wife Rose and their daughter Stephanie. Sarah and Chris still doted on him but now were sharing their love with their new grand-daughter Stephanie. Everything had worked out so perfectly with their home and successful business now being passed down to their legacy.

Then l listened to “(I've had) the time of my life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes” forever the song that reminded me of my daughter Charlotte and James' son Mitchell. I closed my eyes seeing them dancing it for the very first time, the moment that James returned to my life. My heart beat increased at the feelings of pride in sharing their worldwide success. They now had houses in London, New York, California and their own small holiday pad near the Bay of Islands at the top end of New Zealand.

I remembered their brief split, torn apart by the woman who still made me shudder. Over the years I pieced together from snippets of conversation the true part that our children played in her demise with the help of Zach and Sasha. The next photo in the album was their wedding, filled with beauty and a love song to match “Chasing Cars”. Three more children had made their family complete and they too had purchased a property over in New Zealand and we always met up whenever they were in residence.

The last few songs on the playlist reduced me to tears, the sobs racking my body as I listened to a lesser known Darren Hayes song called “Casey” the lyrics spoke of our plans.

“If you take me away, all the pain will fade into a memory,

Of when we were amazing“

I thought about the letter and the postscript I had included for Charlotte and Mitchell to listen to the songs on this playlist. I hoped they would find comfort and memories within them.

Footsteps startled me just as the lyrics faded for the final time. I looked up to find James standing there, his arms open to me.

“The bed is too big without you” he said, I fitted the space to perfection. Our older bodies were still so familiar in their embrace.

16
th
January, 2042

The morning dawned bright with barely a cloud in the sky as we took our last walk to the harbour.

“Morning James, Stephanie it’s a lovely day for a sail although not much wind”

“We're not going far just our usual place”

“Have a beautiful day out there” Josh said.

“Thanks, we will”

I had been listening to all my favourite songs but I kept coming back to the one “Closer to the Heart” well that and “Father Figure”

“If you are the ocean then I'll be the sea”

James had been reticent about my plan at first but when he knew my mind was set he gave in. Moored in our usual spot we both stripped off. I stepped into his arms, they wrapped around me, holding me tight. His grip was so firm, so secure, so safe. He was my rock, my love forever.

“I love you, till the end of time”

“I love you too, I could never have asked for a better life”

“Our children, beautiful grand-children and the friends who have been with us through it all”

“I'm so glad they met all those years ago”

I nodded and on tip-toes I kissed him.

The sun shone, glinting golden shadows onto the azure blue of the ocean. James reached to remove his St. Christopher necklace. I took a moment to read the inscription on the back, now faded and worn from the years.

“I want to leave them this” he said, looping it around the lifejacket that hung on the side of the yacht.

We slipped the pills into our mouths, rinsed them down with a glass of water.

As the horizon started to swim in my vision I focused on James, truly the one and only love of my life.

“Are you ready?” I stammered, suddenly scared.

“As I'll ever be, this is better than lingering and having to say goodbye”

I nodded then hand in hand we stepped off the back of the yacht. We let the fall take us down deep into the cradle of the ocean. The warm water of the surface got colder, starting in our toes. James reached towards me and I closed my eyes. I was back again in the swimming pool in Ross. Back in time to the moment that sealed our fate. James's lips joined mine and I opened under the pressure as the sea water flooded our lungs. I gazed into his eyes, they conveyed the way we felt.

“Together, forever and never to part,

Together forever with you“