Authors: Amanda Prowse
Dot bent down to gather up the handful of pins, but decided against it. She thought of Hansel and Gretel and their breadcrumb trail – maybe these bobby pins were to help Gracie find her way back to her mum. Dot covered them with handfuls of gravel so they would be there for Gracie to find, if and when she needed to; little metal arrows, showing the way. She raked at the tracks that the girl had created and tried not to think about what had occurred in the pretty gate house with the vibrant window boxes that fooled you into thinking it was a place of joy and beauty.
That night, after lights out, the two girls lay quietly.
‘I’m sorry about your friend, about Jude; it must be so tough for her.’
Susan moved, making her straw mattress rustle. ‘She wasn’t really my friend, but it’s shit nonetheless. She’s only sixteen. I keep thinking that it was all such a bloody waste, all that heartache, upheaval, distress. To end like that feels doubly cruel somehow. It was all for nothing, wasn’t it, if there isn’t even a baby at the end of it. I can just imagine the speech that Kyna would have given her about it being
God’s will
– that’d be the last thing Jude needed to hear.’
‘Susie?’
‘Yes?’
‘How does it work, giving the babies away? I saw a girl go along today with a pram, to the gate house.’ The memory of Gracie’s mum, with her hair falling over her face and being dragged along, would never leave her.
‘It’s quite automatic, fast, apparently. The paperwork that you have already signed gives them permission to put the baby up for adoption and as soon as it’s born the system kicks in. It varies as to when you actually hand the baby over, depending on the baby’s health, where the new parents are coming from and so forth. Apparently some go a couple of days after they’re born, or you could be lumbered for up to three months.’
Dot closed her eyes in the darkness. She would never feel lumbered, she would treasure every second.
‘The nuns have a long list of couples, good, church-going people, who are waiting for babies. They pay the Church a handsome fee and they get given a baby. Simple.’
‘Do you get to say who you would like your baby to go to?’
‘Afraid not, old girl. You do get to see them though, if you want to, through a little grill in the dividing wall, apparently. I don’t see the point, personally. I am going to treat it like a transaction: I give the babies away and I get my freedom back – wonderful!’
‘I don’t want to give mine away and the closer I get to having it, the more panicky I feel about it.’
‘The only girls that leave with their babies, Dot, are those whose parents pay for them to leave with their babies. It’s the same fee as the adoption money, and some do have a change of heart.’
Dot knew her parents would never pay that. Even if they did have the money, they wouldn’t give a single penny. And there was no one else that could help.
‘And then there are those that take the ten-pound ticket and go to Australia. They’re crying out for people over there.’
‘Australia?’ Dot didn’t know much about Australia, just that it was on the other side of the world and was full of snakes and crocodiles.
‘Yep, if you take the ten-pound ticket, they’ll load you and your screaming offspring onto a crowded, stinky boat where you will sit for months, going slowly crazy, before arriving in the back of beyond where the likelihood is you will end up married to a heathen who runs a sheep station in the middle of sodding nowhere.
If
you survive the horrendous journey and the blistering heat that will cook you if you sit in it, and the insect bites and life in a swamp, you have the joy of sharing your bed and being grateful for your very existence to a bloke whose only hope of marriage is to buy an English bird who’s been knocked up and rejected by someone else!’
‘That don’t sound like much fun.’
‘Good God, Dot, it would be a slow death, a life sentence. I couldn’t stand it. If it was New York, I’d be off like a shot, I’ve always wanted to go there, and I will one day.’
Dot turned to the wall and tried to sleep. Why, Sol, why did you do this to me? Why me?
The nuns were singing in the small chapel at the side of Lavender Hill Lodge. It was a beautiful, sweet, melodic cantata that evoked joy and sorrow all at once. The sound carried to where a group of girls toiled in the main entrance hall. Dot dipped her cloth-covered finger inside the pot of floor wax then rubbed it all over the wooden step. She worked on all fours, with her belly smothered by her smock, inches from the floor. As she sashayed left to right, she felt the baby nudge her, probably with an elbow; this baby wanted to sleep and didn’t like the movement. It was only when Dot lay in a warm bath – a luxury she enjoyed once a week – that the baby seemed to truly settle, almost as if the warm water soothed the little thing. She swallowed the image of the warm Caribbean Sea, her dreams of swimming in it every day after breakfast.
Susan reached up with a feather duster and removed cobwebs and specks of dust, visible only to the eagle eyes of Sister Kyna, from the wall lights. She carefully removed the fragile glass cloche from a candle bulb as she had been instructed and used the duster to scoot around the fluted edge. Reaching up to replace it, her body convulsed without warning, her hands jerked and the delicate glass shade hit the tiled floor, shattering into a million fragments.
Dot waddled over as fast as she could, crunching the glass underfoot. She placed her hand on Susan’s lower back as she bent over, trying to ease the pain.
‘Are you okay?’ She tried to keep the panic from her voice.
As Susan looked at her friend through her lank fringe, a warm cascade of viscous water ran down her leg and splattered on the black and white floor. ‘Flat stomach and pert tits here we come!’ she muttered through gritted teeth.
Dot laughed, despite the nervous panic that enveloped the girls. ‘Don’t try and talk!’
‘What’s going on here?’ It was the unmistakeable cold tone of Sister Kyna. She tutted at the glass fragments, then glanced at Susan.
‘I think she’s started.’ Dot chewed her bottom lip. Talk about state the bleedin’ obvious.
‘Stand up, girl.’ Sister Kyna’s voice was firm. Susan struggled to reach standing before another wave of pain doubled her over again. Sister Kyna looped her arm through Susan’s and walked as briskly as her encumbered charge would allow towards the nursery wing.
‘Clear this mess up!’ She cast the words over her shoulder to anyone that would catch them.
Dot lay awake most of the night, thinking about her friend and trying not to be deafened by the silence of their room. Over the last four weeks, she had grown used to Susan’s shifts and murmurs throughout the night, the rustle and creak of her palliasse, her frequent, urgent conversations with Winston Churchill and the sips from the sink tap when thirst overtook her. Being alone gave Dot too much thinking time and that wasn’t a good thing. She could only liken her situation to living in a nightmare; everything she thought she knew and could rely on had been taken from her, her parents’ love and support, the welcoming roof of their little house in Ropemakers Fields, Sol. Especially Sol. It was his absence that she felt most keenly.
By morning Dot was desperate for word of Susan. At the breakfast table she learned that her friend’s labour had been relatively quick and that mother and babies, one boy and one girl, were doing just fine.
It was three days later, after breakfast, Dot was back on rake duty, enjoying the fresh air and doing her best to keep the gravel pristine. She wondered how Gracie’s mum was doing and was surreptitiously checking that her bobby pin trail was still hidden when she heard a cough behind her,
‘Ah, Dot, you’ll do. Could you please help me lift this
heavy
bin to the back store?’ Sister Agnes spoke a little too loudly and emphasised the word ‘heavy’, using her eyes to indicate the large metal dustbin in front of them. Dot peered into its empty interior. It didn’t look heavy at all, in fact hadn’t Sister just carried it all the way around to the front?
‘This bin here?’
‘Yes, Dot, this one!’ She sounded quite indignant.
‘But it’s e—’
‘Yes I know it’s “’eavy”! And that word does start with an aitch, you know!’
Dot looked at Sister Agnes’s rolling eyes and gritted teeth; she thought the woman had gone stark staring mad!
Propping her rake against the front wall, Dot lifted one handle and the nun took the other. The sister puffed a couple of times, even though they carried a feather weight. They walked with ease across the gravel and up towards the bin store. Plonking the bin down on its concrete plinth, Sister Agnes looked to the left and right, reminding Dot of the look-out at school who used to patrol the playground while the rest of them smoked behind the girls’ toilet block. ‘Wait here!’ she said, and whizzed off to the side of the building, her wimple flying in the wind.
Dot was left alone and bemused, loitering by the bins. It was a few minutes later that Sister Agnes reappeared, leading Susan by the arm. Dot knew it was Susan, but if it hadn’t been for the hair and vaguely familiar face, she might not have recognised her. She looked haunted, and seemed to have collapsed like a deflated balloon, with large dark circles beneath her eyes and no hint of her ready smile or wit.
‘Oh, Dot.’ Susan crumpled against her friend’s body. Dot stretched out her arms and, as far as she was able, hugged the girl’s shaking form against her own bulbous belly.
‘It’s all right, Susie. It’ll be okay, lovey.’ She patted her back and didn’t know what else to say.
Susan drew away sharply and faced Dot, gripping the tops of her arms with bony fingers. She fought to control her tears. ‘I had to see you, I had to speak to you and you must listen to me! Forget what I said before. I was wrong. I was so wrong. When I saw them, my babies…’ She stopped speaking to try and stem her tears and regulate her breathing. ‘They were so beautiful. I loved them immediately, I love them so much. You have to fight, Dot, you have to fight. You were right and I didn’t believe you, but… but I love them so much. They’ve taken my girl already, she’s gone!’ The last two words she almost screamed, then her knees buckled and Dot held her fast to stop her sinking to the floor. Sister Agnes stood ten feet away, keeping a look-out, breaking several, if not all the rules of Lavender Hill Lodge.
‘I called her Sophie and she’s gone. I couldn’t watch her go, I couldn’t. But they are not having my boy, Nicholas. They are not having him. I’ve taken the ten-pound ticket, we are going to Australia. I don’t care about anything but keeping him with me. I don’t want to chase the fun, I want ordinary! You were right. I’ll live anywhere and marry anyone, I don’t care. But I will not let them take my boy and when I can, I’ll find her, I swear to God and on my life, I’ll get Sophie back. I will! I’ll get her back!’
Her sobs made further speech impossible.
Sister Agnes turned towards the girls and flapped her hands agitatedly at Dot, as though shooing away an animal. ‘Quick! Go go go!’
Dot walked away as briskly as she could, back around to the front of the building. She retrieved the rake and held it between her palms, tears streaming down her face. Seeing Susan so broken and desperate had been horrible; she hoped with all her heart that she and Nicholas would lead a happy life and that she would one day get Sophie back. Listening to Susan had also got her thinking: maybe the ten-pound ticket was her answer.
Susan’s bed remained vacant for the rest of Dot’s stay, which gave her the chance to chat to her baby when the lights were out and sleep was slow in arriving.
‘Is that the answer, little mate? Shall we go to Australia? I can’t imagine what that’d be like, but at least I’d get to keep you. I did love him, y’know, your dad, and I’ll love you n’all. Maybe that’s what we do, baby, jump on a boat like the ones that I used to see in the docks and we’ll go and live in a swamp? Whaddya reckon? Thing is, I can’t really imagine going back to live in Ropemakers Fields. I can’t imagine sitting and eating me tea, while my dad reads the paper and Dee kicks my shins under the table. I can’t imagine life carrying on for me, as if everything is normal. I don’t think things will ever be normal for me again and that makes me really sad, cos I had a lovely little life really, just ordinary, but lovely. Maybe that’s the answer; we should go and live in a swamp.’
* * *
November the eleventh, Poppy Day. Dot woke with back ache. This wasn’t unusual – the lumps and bumps of the mattress meant a comfortable night was often just down to luck. She stretched and prepared to change out of her nightie, when she realised with horror that she had wet herself. Only she hadn’t: her waters had broken and this was it. She looked at the image of Christ on the cross above her bed and sank down onto the mattress. ‘Oh shit.’
The room was smaller than she might have imagined and pretty stark. A bright double strip light hung on chains overhead and the rubberised swing doors had no handles. Dot was worried someone might walk in and see her, but as her labour progressed, she cared about very little. A small green canvas cot, like a shallow sling, sat on a table top, awaiting the baby – her baby! She felt a rush of excitement.
She was lying on a trolley bed with her bare feet strapped into stirrups that protruded from each side of the bed at extended angles. The dark cotton gown had been hastily fastened at the back and it slipped down her arms, pooling on her stomach, in a bunched-up mess. To the side of the bed stood a rusting upright trolley holding a large industrial-looking canister of gas and air. A green tube protruded from the top, attached to a face mask; she wouldn’t mind a drop of that, whatever it was.
Sister Agnes busied herself among a tray of utensils, clanking and rearranging them. Dot saw the metal glint under the strip light and hoped they wouldn’t need any of them.
‘How are we doing?’ The kindly nun swept Dot’s fringe from her face.
‘Okay. Sister Agnes… thanks for… letting me help you with… the bin…’ She spoke in bursts between her panting breaths.