Clubbed to Death (21 page)

He found them both sitting there. Sunil seemed a little febrile and was talking animatedly.

‘Do join us, Robert,’ said Gooseneck. ‘We were just discussing attitudes towards death in our respective cultures.’

‘Good morning, Robert,’ said Sunil. ‘I was just saying that it’s easier for me than it would be for your average Englishman. I suppose you’ve never seen anyone dead, have you?’

Amiss decided not to mention the dead bodies he’d been coming across since he’d got chummy with Jim Milton. ‘You’re right. My family didn’t go in for that sort of thing. Dead grandparents were whipped straight into coffins and the lids firmly closed.’

‘Well, so far I have contemplated the dead bodies of one uncle, two great-aunts, a grandmother and a first cousin. As you’ll know, had we been in India, we would have built a pyre and set fire to them. Here we’re restricted to the crematorium. It’s a good training for unpleasantnesses like last night and another area where I think Indian culture triumphs over English.’

‘Don’t judge us too much by contemporary mores, dear boy,’ said Gooseneck.‘ You are an apprentice historian and therefore should know that it is only in this century that this attempt to sanitise death has stricken our race. It’s not something on which one could fault the Victorians, for instance.’

Various depressed minions started to trickle in and just after seven-thirty, a man in a chef’s hat arrived through the doors that led to the kitchens, carrying an enormous silver tray which he laid in the centre of the table. With a flourish he removed the cover and revealed to the incredulous eyes of the staff a feast of sausages and bacon. Most of the staff began to fall on this with cries of delight, but as he looked around, Amiss saw two sad brown faces at the other end of the table.

‘Mr Gooseneck,’ he whispered, ‘what about the Muslims?’

‘Your kind instincts do you credit, my dear Robert, but have no fear, I have no desire to torture our Islamic friends.’ Through the swing doors came the same chef, this time carrying dishes of mushrooms, tomatoes and fried eggs. ‘What’s happened, Mr Gooseneck?’ asked Amiss, when he had worked his way through the first stage of what was one of the best breakfasts he’d ever had in his life.

‘I think you could call it the metaphorical baked meats for our secretary. Fagg has put me temporarily in charge and, limited though my power may be, I intend to ensure that those under my care are for once treated like human beings.’ He smiled benignly around the table, a bit like Scrooge on Christmas Day, revelling in the joy of the Cratchits.

‘What are you doing today, Sunil?’ asked Amiss.

‘College in the morning and then I’ll be back to wait at lunch.’

‘You don’t have to, my boy.’

‘No, no, please. I’m not going to leave you in the lurch. Maybe we could have a word in the afternoon, Robert. I’ve got a new toy I want to show you. ’ Gooseneck shot him a warning glance, but Sunil shook his head and said, ‘No, don’t worry. Robert’s reliable. He won’t split on us.’

‘How’s it going, Ellis?’

‘May I ring you back?’

‘If you do it quickly and say you’re my doctor. Even Ramsbum can’t object to that.’

‘Sorry,’ said Pooley when they connected a few minutes later. ‘Had to find a quiet corner. Bloody awful in fact. None of those wretches were distinguished enough to get into
Who’s Who
so one doesn’t have anywhere to start from. And of course, because Jim was relying on Blenkinsop to know basic facts, he didn’t grill any of them about their war records, their financial position, or career history. He wants us to try and get everything we can without their knowledge, in the hope that then we’ll have some ammunition.’

‘What have you got so far?’

‘Well, it’s a bit early, but I have dug up one piece of information that you’ll enjoy. It’s about Fagg’s army record.’

‘Oh good. I bet he turns out not to have been quite the hero he makes out.’

‘Better than that. He never fought in his life. His entire career was spent in the catering corps. He was called up in nineteen thirty-nine, became an army cook and worked his way up. Not, I may add, to colonel. He only got to sergeant-major.’

‘So he’s a fake colonel.’

‘So it would seem. The army are faxing me regimental lists, so we might be able to track down a contemporary or two.’

‘Well, well, well. Well, well. How extremely pleasing. I shall beam on him as I serve him lunch and if the old bastard is particularly unpleasant I’ll be able to reflect on how bad he’ll feel when he’s unmasked. I can’t wait for the next revelations. Fishbane, perhaps, will turn out to have been an army chaplain and a founder of the League of Decency.’

‘Shouldn’t think so. He seems to have been corrupt from an early age. I rang up my old man this morning and asked if he remembered Dickie Fishbane at school, and he exploded and started bellowing about degenerates and scoundrels. I tried to press him for some specifics, but he wasn’t saying much. I did elicit the information that Fishbane was five years ahead of him and that briefly they were together in the school choir.’

‘Nice-looking boy, your father?’

‘You really have no respect for people’s finer feelings. I don’t want to know what Fishbane did to my unfortunate father all those years ago. Let’s just say that my father talks a lot about queers and why they should be flung into prison and the key thrown away.’

‘Well, you can’t accuse Fishbane of being queer these days.’

‘No, but he didn’t have a lot of choice at Eton.’

‘Thank God I was under-privileged and had to make do with girls. Anything else?’

‘No. And on your side?’

‘No, except that I’m engaging in prurient speculation about Gooseneck and Sunil and whether they’re having an affair. Seems possible. Sunil went to public school and Gooseneck taught in a prep school. QED.’

Pooley clearly felt that this conversation was getting out of bounds. ‘It would be more helpful, Robert, if you concentrated on something relevant.’

‘You old prude, Ellis. I have to be allowed a bit of light relief. But yes, I’m off to serve lunch and find the blunt instrument and the missing notes. Oh, and you don’t have to send me any more food. We’re being fed even more royally than yesterday.’

‘I’ll just send you a little champagne to prove that though I may be a prude I’m not a puritan. Good day.’

‘Good day, Ellis.’

‘Are you free in half an hour?’ Sunil sounded excited.

‘Where will you be?’

‘In Charles the Second. On the third floor.’

Amiss recalled a discreet chamber tucked away at the back of the building which appeared from its decor and its furniture to have been designed for the entertainment of a compliant lady.

‘OK. See you.’

Sunil’s toy turned out to be a lap-top computer. He showed it off shining-eyed. ‘Isn’t it marvellous, Robert. I’ve desperately wanted one of these, but of course, between the fees and books and everything else, I haven’t been able to afford one.’

‘Where did you get it?’

‘Gooseneck gave it to me last night. Well, that is, he didn’t give it to me, but he said I could use it until its rightful owner turned up.’

‘Sorry, I don’t follow.’

‘Ah, right. The system is that Ramsbum and the upper servants divide lost property up among them.’

‘What constitutes lost property?’

‘Anything unclaimed left lying around the club or in the porters’ cubbyhole. There’s a lot of it, you know. All those absent-minded old people. So there’s no end of umbrellas and coats and bags of goodies from Jermyn Street or Harrods. You wouldn’t believe what they find. Gooseneck was telling me. They’ve had people leaving boxes of cigars and bottles of vintage port and silver-topped canes and even wigs and sets of false teeth, apart from all the other obvious things. But this is particularly marvellous. It was left behind a few days ago, Ramsbum doesn’t know by whom, and no one’s claimed it.’

‘I find it almost impossible to imagine any frequenter of this club using a lap-top computer. It’s also hard to believe that someone who would use a lap-top computer would forget where he left it.’

‘I don’t care.’ Sunil was busily getting the machine to work. ‘I’m just enjoying it. If it’s snatched away from me, well and good, but if not, it’ll be a great boon. I bought a spare disk for it this morning. I’ll keep the one that was in it safe in case its owner turns up.’

‘Shouldn’t you look at the contents of the disk in case there’s any clue to the ownership? Sorry if I’m sounding stuffy, Sunil.’

‘Oh, I did look at that, Robert. First thing. But there’s nothing. It’s all incomprehensible. Looks like somebody’s housekeeping accounts, with a lot of stuff about wine sales and trust funds.’

‘Show me,’ said Amiss. ‘I have an idea.’

23

«
^
»

‘You didn’t blow your cover?’

‘No. Sunil’s a bright guy and he’s sufficiently clued into club politics to have known about the question mark over Chatterton’s conduct of the wine committee. It had come up vaguely in conversation between us. And of course he knew as well that the Admiral had been stirring it. So he just kicked himself for not having made the obvious connection.’

‘So why didn’t he ring us?’

‘Because it was felt that I had got to know you two a bit yesterday. Anyway, I’m older and am seen as a man of the world.’

‘OK. I’ll send someone round for the lap-top now.’

‘I suppose you can’t let him have it back when the fingerprinting’s been done?’

‘You know I can’t.’

‘And I don’t suppose you’d think of dipping into your patrimony to fund something similar for Sunil?’

‘I don’t mind subsidising you, Robert, but I’m not taking on your friends, however deserving they may seem.’

‘Tight-wad.’

‘That’s how the Pooleys have held on to it down the generations. Now get off the phone, Robert, for Christ’s sake.’

‘When will we connect?’

‘Are you on duty tonight?’

‘Yep. We’re still short-handed.’

‘Well head for my place when you’re finished. You’ve got the keys now. We’ll all just turn up when we can.’

‘See you.’

‘See you. And, oh sorry, Robert. I should have said, “Very well done”.’

‘Oh gosh, thanks Guv. I’ll try and keep up the good work.’

‘Excuse me, Mr Gooseneck.’

‘Yes, Robert.’

‘Have you seen Sunil recently?’

‘Not since lunch-time. He’s due any moment, isn’t he? It’s almost seven-thirty.’

‘I’m afraid he’s had a disappointment.’ Gooseneck raised an enquiring eyebrow. ‘The lap-top turned out to belong to the Admiral, so it’s been taken off to Scotland Yard for fingerprinting and all that while they analyse the contents of the disk. Then it’ll presumably go to his heirs.’

‘Damn! The boy was enjoying it so much.’

‘I know he was.’ Amiss looked as miserable as he felt. ‘But unfortunately for him when he told me a bit about what was on the disk I had a blinding flash of inspiration.’

‘I perceive that you’re a public-spirited youth. It didn’t occur to you to let sleeping dogs lie, if you’ll forgive the cliché?’

‘No, I’m afraid it didn’t.’

‘Oh, I expect you’re right, my boy. My moral sense has been dulled by too many years here. I find it hard to raise more than a flicker of interest about who killed whom and why. I should, of course, in the event that they began disposing of those I like – you, Sunil, that rather delicious young Wu and that engaging Armenian. And me, of course.’

‘But don’t you think Sunil might have been in danger had it been realised that he had the run of the Admiral’s computer?’

‘Why?’ Gooseneck sounded only very slightly interested. ‘Was it full of incriminating material?’

‘There certainly seemed to be a lot of stuff about club finances.’

‘You are getting rather involved, are you not? Perhaps pulp fiction is your
métier
rather than poetry? Ah, here come the troops. I’ve ordered an extremely agreeable supper for us this evening – a fine steak and kidney pie.’

‘What about the Hindus?’

‘Sunil is a beefeater so there’s only Sanjiv to cater for. He’s happy with an omelette as are the two vegetarians. One has to be ever-vigilant in feeding what I believe are now referred to as “multicultural” gatherings.’

‘No wonder Colonel Fagg kept it so simple, ’ said Amiss.

‘Indeed.’ Gooseneck looked thoughtful. ‘If you do find the murderer, Robert, don’t stop him in his tracks until he has seen off the Colonel.’

‘But he may, of course, be the murderer.’

‘That’s an attractive thought and indeed he does have form.’

‘How d’you mean?’

‘I mean he has done time. Bird. Been inside. And what’s more, for violence.’

‘Really?’

‘Well, I don’t know what you’re so surprised about, Robert. He’s hardly the only one. The alumnae of Her Majesty’s prisons now adorning ffeatherstonehaugh’s include Mr Fishbane, Mr Mauleverer and, of course, myself.’ He put his head to one side and regarded Amiss with interest. ‘You appear surprised, my dear boy. Surely you realised I would hardly be here but for some catastrophe. Or perhaps I flatter myself.’ He smiled genially. ‘Here comes Sunil. Let us give him what solace we can. Should you seek further revelations, we can continue our conversation after supper.’

‘Two years for buggery in nineteen sixty-three. Finished him as a teacher.’

‘With adults or children?’ asked Milton.

‘Guardsmen, he said. He taught at a London prep-school and socialised enthusiastically in the area of Chelsea Barracks.’

‘And Fagg?’

‘Interesting. Grievous bodily harm, about twenty-five years ago. Nearly murdered his wife. Gooseneck couldn’t remember what the marital row was about. He’s a pretty detached sort of bloke. Doesn’t take a lot of interest in other people anyway. Then there was Fishbane. Guess what he did time for?’

‘Flashing?’ asked Milton.

‘Corruption of minors?’ asked Pooley.

‘No, but you’re on the right lines. Living off immoral earnings, no less. Apparently, he ran a small but superior bordello in Pimlico until the vice squad descended.’