Come Alive (20 page)

CHAPTER 19

I NEARLY COLLIDED WITH BILL in the foyer.
“I was just
coming to look for you,” he said.

I fought for a deep breath, suffocating in his
proximity. “I – I just have to run to the bathroom,” I said, backing away.

“Didn’t you already go?”

“There was a line.”

“What are you talking about? I was just over
there. No line.”

I could feel David, sticky against my thigh, fingers
digging into my face, and I needed to get far away from Bill. My heart stopped
when I noticed he was peering at my dress. He reached out, but I jumped back.

“Is that blood?” he asked.

“No,” I hissed as I blew past him toward the
staircase. I cursed as I hastened up it to find somewhere private. As soon as I
locked the bathroom door, there was a knock and the knob jiggled. “Hey? Did you
hurt yourself?”

I went to whip the door open, but stopped
myself. I loosened my shoulders and eased it ajar. “I’m fine,” I said calmly.

“You don’t seem fine.”

“Well, I am. I don’t know what that is,” I said,
motioning at the stain, “but I’ll be sure to complain about it when I return
the dress.”

His expression was accusing and taunting, except
that it wasn’t. He really only looked confused.

“What?” I asked defensively. “Why are looking at
me like that?”

“You’re acting weird,” he said.

“I just need to use the restroom.”

“You’re turning on me again.”

“Can this wait until we get home?” I asked. With
a look that told him the discussion was over, I closed the door.

Once alone, I gathered up the dress and splashed
water on my naked lower half. With a decorative, perfumed hand towel, I tenderly
wiped
myself of cum and the blood from David’s hand
. I
was soiled.
Used. Degraded
.

With shaky hands, I repaired my hair. Red scratches
smarted from the bark and soreness crept into my spine. I gave myself one
moment to crouch down and put my head in my hands. I breathed through the urge
to break down there on the bathroom floor.
Oh,
David. How could you? How could I? What the fuck am I doing? I’ve
completely
lost control.

Downstairs, I weaved through the ballroom and
spotted Bill seated at our table. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I shouldn’t have
snapped at you.” And I was sorry. Terribly, terribly sorry; so sorry, that I
was tempted to tell him everything right then and there. The lies were rotting
my insides, and they
might very will
end up poisoning
me.

He took my hand, and I sat down next to him. “I
thought things would improve after talking to Mack,” he said.

I plucked my hand from his and crossed my arms. He
sat back in his chair, waiting for an answer. “Well, that’s because there’s
something else going on.”

He looked uncomfortable. “Um, what?”

“It’s – I’ve been . . .” I looked around, unable
to believe that this was tumbling out of my mouth now, here, in the middle of a
fundraiser. “I’ve been having doubts.
The house, for
instance.
In Oak Park.
All those things you
described – birthdays, holidays, kids in the yard – I just can’t
see it like you can, and that scares me. I think about it – a lot, and it
gets in my head.”

His eyebrows folded. “I’ve told you before, once
everything starts to happen, it will all fall into place. You have to trust me,
babe.”

“No,” I said, wringing my fingers in my lap. “I
really don’t see it.
Especially the kids.
I don’t know
if that’s – that’s what I want.”

A shriek of laughter across the room caused us
both to flinch. Bill’s eyes drilled into me, searching for something. “How can
you even say that to me? And here . .
. ?
”

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

He set his elbows on the table and put his face
in his hands for a long moment. When he looked up, he seemed calm. “This is why
people fall in love and get married.
To have a family.
That shouldn’t be news to you. I’m not giving up on my dream because you don’t
feel like it. You’ve
gotta
get on board. And I don’t want any more sulking, k? It’s enough, for Christ’s
sake.”

“I’m not sulking. I’m really confused.”

“That’s enough. You had better snap out of this,
and soon or – or I’m gone.”

“You’d leave me here?” I asked, taken aback.

“I mean I’m done,” he snapped.

A woman took the stage. The sound of her finger
tapping the microphone scraped over me.

“You’re done?” I repeated. “With me?”

“Sorry to interrupt your meals everyone, I just
have a quick announcement.”

“You’re being unfair, and – ”

“Earlier this evening we received a very
generous donation . . . ”

“ . . .
quite
frankly,
really selfish. You’re not acting like the woman I married, and you haven’t
been for a while.”

“.
. . fifty
thousand dollars . . . ”

I gasped.
Fifty . . . thousand?
Done? Leaving?

“ . . .
an
anonymous attendee.”

The room erupted into applause, but I sat gaping
as Bill plastered a smile on his face and stood.
He
was threatening to leave
me
?

I knew without looking of David’s position in
the room; I couldn’t help that. It was as if I had a sixth sense that felt only
him. I turned to him without thinking. He sat rigidly still and motionless as
he watched the stage. He was the donor.

My gaze returned to Bill as the ovation
concluded. “What are you saying?” I asked under my breath.

“Never mind.”

“No,” I prompted quietly. “Are you threatening
to leave me?”

“No, I just – ”

“It sure sounded like – ”

“What I meant was – ”

“You would leave just like that?”

“No, damn it!” he yelled, pounding his fist on
the table. I felt a roomful of eyes turn to us. He was quiet as he stared down
and seemingly tried to regulate his breathing. He lowered his voice so only I
could hear. “Never mind what I said, but put yourself in my shoes. You’ve been
nothing but nasty to me for months, and I’ve had it.” His voice raised an
octave as he sliced his hand through the air. “I’ve had it up to here with this,
and you need to get it under control.”

From under my lashes, I glanced around the room.
Everybody had looked away – everybody but David. My eyes darted back to
Bill. “Bill – ”

“Don’t. This is embarrassing. We can discuss it
later.”

It was then that I realized his patience was approaching
its limits. Bill, unperturbed as he was, rarely got riled. But when he did, it
was
a combustion
– an explosion of all the
things he tucked away.

In that way, we were similar. I’d learned to
shut off my emotions early on, and Bill’s parents had covered his up by keeping
him busy. They’d instilled in him that feelings were frivolous, and it was more
worthwhile to focus on tangible things like work and money.

It occurred to me for the first time that maybe
Bill and I had chosen each other for the same reason. For me, Bill was a practical
choice who never tried for more than what I gave. In turn, he never had to dig
too deeply. Because maybe he knew that if he did, if I did, we would both
uncover things that would change everything. And for him, things were fine as
they were. They had been for me too. But I wasn’t so sure anymore.

I had drawn my lips into a tight line and was slumped
in my chair like a scolded child.

“Eat,” he said, motioning at my plate. I pushed
it away. “Eat,” he coaxed gently as if he hadn’t just threatened to leave me
and then taken it back. “I’m starting to wonder about your diet.”

I picked up a fork and took a bite of grilled
chicken to appease him, my jaw tingling as I forced myself to swallow.

“Thank you,” he said.

I felt David watching me, and I wanted to scream
at him to stop. I couldn’t focus with his gaze glued to me, reminding me
relentlessly that he was there – just so
there
.

Tears sat heavy behind my eyes, but I lifted my
chin and smiled through the rest of the evening. I could not go moments without
remembering what I had just done behind Bill’s back. I swallowed it until we
were home in bed.

Once Bill was asleep, I climbed from between the
sheets and onto the floor. My chest stuttered fiercely as I crawled to the
bathroom. When I hit the cold tile, I slipped the door shut behind me and doubled
over my knees. I unleashed a violent storm of scalding, shame-laden tears. My
hands dragged through my hair, snagging on tangles. I gagged through my sobs, heaving
against the hollowness.

I’d never done anything so appalling, so hurtful
in my life. Bill trusted me, and I had pissed on that. I deserved every one of
David’s harsh words. I wanted to wish it all away, turn back time and start
over. But I couldn’t bring myself to wish that. As awful as everything had been
lately, there had also been David.

~

Bill
was already out of bed when I awoke, and a mouth-watering aroma floated into
the room. I put on a robe and sleepily padded into the kitchen.

“Hey,” he said, excavating bread from the
toaster. “Hungry?”

I nodded and sat down cautiously.

He casually buttered the toast before setting it
in front of me. He passed me a mug of coffee.

“I know I’ve been a mess,” I rasped. “And I’m
sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” he said without looking at me.
“Obviously I didn’t mean what I said. I was just angry.”

“You’re not thinking of leaving me?”

He looked up and laughed. “Babe, really? No. Of
course not.”

“But you said . . .”

“I’ve been stressed out too, about the house,
about work. Hell, I’ve been stressed about you, but that doesn’t excuse what I
said.” He studied me, peering at my face.

My swollen eyes were red and puffy, I knew
without even having seen myself. I started to explain, but he continued.

“Besides, you know how I feel about that. People
who separate or divorce have all sorts of problems. Things
that
run
much deeper than what we’re dealing with. That’s not, and will never
be, us.”

I stared at him blankly. Could he not tell that
I had been up all night crying, or did he not care? Anger crept into my heart
for the way he ignored it.

I remembered my eye-opening thoughts from the
night before. True, I had kept him at a distance since the day I’d met him, but
wasn’t he partly to blame? He never tried to break through, never asked
questions he didn’t want to hear the answers to.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes.
“About the house and all that – ”

“It’s okay,”
he cut me off, raising his hand.

“It is?” Overwhelming
relief flooded me at the thought that he might agree to slow things down.

“Yes. I know
you’re stressed too. And I think I know what this is really about.”

I inhaled as
panic bubbled to the surface. “What?”

“You’re afraid.
I know you’ve never had a good relationship with
Leanore
.
But you aren’t your mother.
You
are
going to be a great mom.”

“Bill,” I
started, shaking my head sadly. “I really don’t think it’s about that.”

“But it is,
sweetie. You’re afraid, and I don’t blame you. Your mom’s been tough on you.
But you’re not her, you’ve got to let go of that.” He paused to take a sip of
his coffee. “In any case, this is not something I will ever change my mind
about. I want a child – children. So you’ll have to, I don’t know . . .
figure this out.
Because I know, deep down, you want this
too.
If I believed you didn’t, we’d be having a different conversation.”

My heart
fell as he spoke. He was so convinced that this was right for us. He was asking
me to trust him because he didn’t have any doubts. And then it hit me. I
wondered if maybe, just maybe . . . he was
right
.

CHAPTER
20

WE’D
GIVEN UP our respective Sunday plans to spend the day together, silently apologizing
outdoors on an autumn day. We explored the neighborhood, drank beer in the
afternoon and took a long late-afternoon walk to admire the way the leaves were
changing.

I had promised to try harder, and though it took
every ounce of my energy, I put my sorrows over David aside and made myself
affable for Bill. We made plans to visit his sister and her four kids the
following weekend so I could see how alive a house full of children was. And
finally, at his firm request, I agreed to stop taking birth control.

He seemed vastly pleased in turn. It was only once
Bill fell asleep that I fretted, and as a result, I had barely slept. There was
no more time. Bill had hit the end of his patience. It was time to grow up,
forget David, and make the right decisions with Bill. I owed him so much more
than I gave him and now, I would make it up to him by trusting in his version
of us.

But
there was something else to deal with first. Now,
days after my confrontation
with David, I sat staring at an e-mail that knotted my stomach.