Come to Me Recklessly (3 page)

My eyes popped open to the blaring of my alarm clock. I flopped over, smacking at the little button on top to silence it. Groaning, I squeezed my eyes shut and wished for five minutes’ more sleep. But all those little kids were waiting for me.

Working at a private school summer day camp hadn’t exactly been my dream when I’d gone to college to get my degree, but it got my foot in the door, and I was all too happy to jump on the opportunity.

I’d always wanted to be a teacher, and if this job meant I got to be around a bunch of kids with eager minds, their little brains sponges, sucking in all the information around them, then sign me up. It was at a small private Christian school about five miles away, and a few of the regular teachers hadn’t been available to work during the summer program, so there’d been an opening.

My insecurities had screamed at me that I wasn’t qualified and that I might not want to work in such an intimate setting, but somehow I’d built up the courage to apply.

I’d loved it the second I stepped through the doors.

Beyond that, it made my parents happy. They loved the idea of me working at a small, conservative school, where I’d be safe and maybe some of that
conservative
would rub off on me. I was no wild child, like they’d chalked me up to be, and I’d spent the last seven years trying to prove that to them.

Funny how they’d accused me of conspiring with the devil when I was with Christopher yet they’d had nothing but praise for us when Ben had announced we were moving in together.

Warily, I looked over at him where he slept on his back on his side of the bed.

That announcement had come as a big old surprise to me, too. I’d done everything in my power to backpedal, giving up explanations that Ben was only joking around, because he had to be
kidding
. No sane man would just rent a house and announce to his girlfriend’s parents that they were moving in together without consulting her first.

But that had always been Ben’s way. Making decisions that weren’t his to make. Up to that point, they’d always been small and I’d just shrugged it off. Attributed it to his protective way. Our whole relationship he’d taken care of me. But this? It was the first time I’d begun to question his motives, this elaborate announcement that had made him look as if he were some kind of exaggerated hero, doing all of this for me, and cornering me so that any hesitation I showed just made me look like the unappreciative jerk.

What no one knew was that he’d asked me to move in with him the month before, and I’d told him I wasn’t ready for that.

Yet here I was.

Sighing, I climbed out of bed and headed for the en suite bathroom. I turned the showerhead to high and let the small room fill with steam as I peeled my tank and flannel sleep pants from my body.

That was just Ben – something I had to accept. He always thought he knew better than I did. And maybe he did.

He’d been right about Christopher.

I guarded my heart from the ache that flared at the thought of
him
, his black hair and searing green eyes, blocked the distinct memory of his laughter, a sound that struck me all the way to the core.

Thoughts of him had been all too frequent over the last week, since I’d run into Aly. A feeling of anxiety and dread had steadily built up in my gut as I thought of how close she was, somehow knowing that made him close, too. Like at any moment, I’d walk out the door and he’d be standing there, that potent smile at the ready to crush me all over again.

The worst part was that the anxiety and dread were growing into something that felt like anticipation, a sweet taste on my tongue that warned that something was to come.

But that’s what I needed to take it for. A warning. Not a promise.

Stepping into the shower, I closed my eyes and let the soothing water rush over me, the warmth washing me of all my pent-up thoughts and regrets, the hurt of Christopher and the worry over Stewart. If I let it, it’d all be too much to bear, and I had twenty-three other obligations waiting for me who all needed my undivided attention today.

Washed and shampooed, I managed to feel refreshed as I shut off the faucet, grabbed my towel, and began to dry off. I wrapped my towel snug under my arms, brushed my teeth, then ran a brush through the long sheets of my light blond hair. So maybe I felt a little too self-satisfied being dowsed in the smell of my brand-new yummy shampoo and body wash. As if maybe using them was just like lifting a big ol’ middle finger, one directed at Ben, one I’d never be brave enough to give him.

One that told him to stop acting like my father and more like my partner.

My lover.

But I’d started to question whether I still wanted him to be either of those things.

An unwelcome cringe assaulted me with the thought, followed by a wave of guilt. I knew I shouldn’t be in this place and with this man if it didn’t make me happy. If my heart wasn’t committed to this relationship. But my heart belonged in a place it should never go, to a man it never should have known, to an entity who was just as callous as Ben and my mother had promised he would be.

This… this was where I belonged.

I headed into the walk-in closet that lined the back of the bathroom, the space jammed full of both my and Ben’s things. The house was quaint but nice, a little on the small side, what most new families would consider a starter home.

No doubt it’d be scorching out, so I dressed in a flowy white skirt that went just past my knees, a cute pink top to match, and white sandals to top the outfit off. My pedicured red toenails peeked out, the color almost as red as the natural color of my lips. I brushed on the same clear lip gloss I’d picked up over the weekend.

I never put color on my lips.

For very foolish reasons.

But it was something that had stuck with me all these years.

I was almost tempted to grab one of the lipsticks Ben had surprised me with over the years, all of them left unopened, just to mute the vibrant color out. But doing so felt wrong, like a slap to the perfect memories I had of him, the ones I cherished before everything had gone right down a festering drain.

Hearing the shuffling behind me, I glanced up through the large mirror above the sink to find Ben lumbering into the bathroom, scratching his bare stomach while his mouth was wide with a yawn that was turned toward the ceiling.

He wasn’t an unattractive man. Quite the opposite.

And he definitely knew it.

His dark blond hair was a morning mess and his chocolate eyes watched me with appreciation as he approached.

I shuddered, and he smirked.

This was the part I hated, Ben watching me like he wanted to eat me when I had a hard time thinking of him as something beyond a friend.

“I see someone has left me with quite the invitation this morning… can’t say I don’t like it.” His voice was rough with the innuendo, and he went right for the hem of my skirt. He ran his hands up the outsides of my legs, gathering the material as he went, gripping my thighs.

“Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. I have to be at work in fifteen minutes.”

He ground himself against my ass. “I can make it fast.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. No question he could.

Wriggling out of his hold, I sidestepped him, mustering the best smile I could find. “Sorry, babe, but I really have to go. You’ll have to take a rain check.”

Annoyance twisted his face into a scowl. “Those rain checks just keep piling up. You owe me big. One of these days I’m going to keep you in bed the entire day so you can pay up.”

Right.
 

I always owed him and he never let me forget it. But this was the one debt I was always loath to pay.

His eyes softened, and he grabbed my hand and pulled me into his chest. “I just miss you,” he whispered at the top of my head.

Another pang of guilt ribbed me, and I sighed into his hold, remembering how good he’d always been to me. Even though he pulled so much of this overbearing crap, I knew he really cared about me. “I know… I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately. This new job is exhausting, so by the time I make it home at night, I’m completely spent.”

He kissed my temple. “Just as long as you’re coming home to me at night, that’s all that matters.”

Nodding weakly, I pulled away. “I’ll see you later.”

I hadn’t been lying when I told Ben I was spent by the end of the day. Late Friday afternoon, I turned the key to the lock of our little house, my feet dragging as I went inside. I dumped my purse and keys on the side table next to the door. Blowing an exhausted breath from my lungs, I flopped back on the couch.

As much as I loved those kids, they were filled with more energy than any one person should have. And I swore, every time they touched me, they zapped a little of my own energy and used it for themselves.
Hyper
didn’t come close to describing a room full of five-year-olds.

From the table, my phone chimed with
that
ring. I smiled and dragged myself up, never too tired for him. I grabbed my phone and settled back onto the couch.

I opened Snapchat and pressed my finger to the waiting message.

Stewart’s face lit up the entire screen, the biggest puppy-dog eyes begging from the image he’d captured.

Coming to see me Sunday?
 

Grinning, I snapped back an even bigger, eager smile, pretending it didn’t hurt to see him this way, instead showing him how excited I was to hear from him.

I wouldn’t miss it.
 

Stewart and I had a standing Sunday date. He rarely felt up to getting out of the house, so I brought over his favorite foods, praying something would seem appealing to him. I’d just hang out with him all afternoon, sitting on his bed and watching funny videos on his laptop or playing video games, even though they weren’t exactly my thing and I was terrible at them.

But for Stewart?

Video games suddenly became my very favorite hobby.

I dropped my phone to the floor and sank into the comfort of the plush cushions of the couch, my legs stretched out and propped up as I closed my eyes and let myself drift away.

When my phone dinged from the floor, I jumped, my eyes blinking rapidly as I tried to make sense of my surroundings. The room had dimmed as the sun had declined, evening filtering in through the loose, shimmery drapes hanging across the window.

I rubbed my face. Guess I’d been more tired than I’d thought. When I ran my finger across the front of my phone, I saw I’d been out cold for two hours. Then something inside me went
cold
when I saw the waiting message that had stirred me, but it was the kind of cold that burned and flamed, a warning of something unknown that I felt approaching like a building storm.

So maybe the text was just from Aly.

It still stopped my heart, as if her words were an extension of him, a tether that led me right back into the past.

Coffee tomorrow morning? 10ish?
 

I clutched my phone, warring with my decision though it had already been made. It was foolishness to the extreme, I knew, putting myself in this position, but I couldn’t stop my fingers from tapping across the screen.

Would love to. Where?
 

Five seconds later, my phone dinged with her reply.

Cory’s? Great coffee and even better pastries ;)
 

Nerves twisted my stomach, and I quickly typed my response.

Sounds perfect to me.
 

Perfect and completely ludicrous.

Great! C U then.
 

For a few seconds, I held my phone out in front of me, trying to convince myself to text her back, to tell her something had suddenly come up, some ridiculous excuse that she would know was exactly that.

An excuse.

Something like I’d suddenly moved out of state, never to return again.

Instead I jumped when my phone suddenly lit up with a message from Ben. I grimaced as I read it.

Picked a place for dinner. At Firebird’s by the mall. Will be waiting.
 

Reluctantly, I stood, gathered myself, and forced my feet to carry me out the door.

The next morning, I slowly pulled into the parking lot where the small mom-and-pop coffee shop rested in a tight corner of the popular plaza. The entire shopping center was packed on a Saturday morning, and I cautiously made my way through the crowded parking lot, searching for a spot. I pretended that I wasn’t relieved, that I wasn’t thankful for those few extra minutes that bought me a little more time.

Why I was so nervous, I didn’t know.

I eased into the first spot I found and cut the engine. The moment the air conditioner was off, heat engulfed the entire cabin. Yet there I sat, unable to propel myself out the car door.

Okay, so maybe the reason I was nervous was glaringly obvious. Because some huge part of me knew this was wrong, that I shouldn’t be here, and that I should run far, far away. The fact that I’d lied to Ben about where I was going this morning was evidence enough.

But the whole brokenhearted side of me, the one that was hoping to gain a measure of understanding? Her voice was just much louder than the one that whispered reason.

Opening the door, I stepped out into the sunshine. I’d pulled on my favorite jean shorts and a cute little tank, flip-flops on my feet. Rays of warmth hit my skin, and I relished the feel. People constantly asked me how I could live here, but I wouldn’t trade the heat for cold. Not for anything. It took someone growing up here to appreciate it.

For a second, I lifted my face to the sky and sucked in a breath of resolve, reminding myself that I actually
liked
Aly. I truly cared about her and wanted to catch up on her life. Meeting her wasn’t just a messed-up manipulation to bring me closer to Christopher.

With that resolution set firmly in place, I tucked my purse strap tight up on my shoulder and strode toward the coffee shop. I jogged across the busy lane right in front, hopping up onto the concrete landing.