Come Together (43 page)

“I want those things too.”

“You say that now, but you don’t know what you’d be giving up. Because I love you, and I want your own happiness more than my own, I can’t take this away from you.” I paused and then crawled into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. He reclined with me onto the bed, his head on his pillow and mine on his chest.

“But I love you,” he said, almost under his breath.

I wanted to claw open my chest and rip out my heart so I could give it to him.
Take it. Take it all, because I will never need it again. I don’t want it.

I wasn’t sure if he fell asleep, but his hold on me never loosened. This was my dream, my fantasy, my heaven, my nightmare, to be bound and wound with a love as strong as this.

When light began to filter through the shades, I sat up. He was awake. He sighed, rubbing his eyes. “We have to go if we’re going to make our flight.” Then he crawled out of the bed, disappearing into the shower.

I knotted my tangled hair back and brushed my teeth. My raccoon eyes were red and puffy and I fleetingly thought:
this is exactly how I imagined I would look at the end
.

CHAPTER 28

IT WAS SNOWING when we returned to Chicago. The stark contrast from Miami wasn’t only apparent in the weather. David and I had traveled in relative silence. He was attentive as always, making sure I was comfortable during the flight, but I could tell that he was deep in thought. I, on the other hand, finally had nothing left to think about.

We’d booked an early flight with the intention of both going in to work, but I called in sick and didn’t have the energy to care what Beman said about it. David, however, went straight from the airport to the office after he’d put me in a cab with our luggage.

I spent the day in the den, watching movies in the dark, because the alternative was worrying myself sick. I hated being in limbo, not knowing how things would go. I couldn’t see anything beyond the end of us. David was right: I did see him in my future, and I had seen him in that house so didn’t that mean something?

My anxiety thickened when the third movie ended, and I realized it was nearing ten o’clock at night. He still wasn’t home. I pulled my phone from the coffee table. It revealed nothing from David, but there was an e-mail from Lucy. I stared at my inbox a moment before putting the phone back, deciding I wasn’t in the right state of mind.

I’d just started another movie when I heard a noise. I immediately hit pause and looked up at David from the couch. “You’re home,” I said dumbly.

He nodded. His tie was loosened, hair tousled and his hands were shoved into his trouser pockets.

“It’s late,” I added.

“I was looking for something,” was all he said. I understood. He’d been out looking for answers all day and I’d been here, numbing myself with nothingness and not making plans or decisions as I should’ve been. I hoped David would find his answers soon, because it killed me to see him this way. “I’m exhausted,” he said.

I reached for the remote, shut the TV off and went to stand. “Let’s go to bed.”

“No.”

I paused at his tone. It was angry. Since I had turned off the TV, the only light in the room came from the doorway behind him, turning him into a silhouette. I sank back into the couch. “Oh.”

“I fired Arnaud.”

My eyes widened. “What?”

“You were right. He tried to deny everything, called you a liar when I told him what you’d seen. But after some coercion, he admitted to pressuring Clare. Others too.” He stopped, and even in the semi-dark, I could sense his jaw clench and unclench. “The new girl said he threatened her on Friday. If she didn’t sleep with him, she’d be fired. That was when you showed up.”

I let out a small gasp as tears pricked my eyes.

“It’s my fault,” he said.

“It’s not your fault,” I told him. “You didn’t know.”

“I should’ve known. I let them down. And for those few moments on Friday, you were alone with him and I was on my way to New York.”

“David,” I whispered.

“He put the business in jeopardy,” he continued. “Those girls could’ve sued us into the ground. And our partnership flipping houses is done. I’ll lose money on our current project, but I don’t give a damn.”

I studied him a moment. “What did you mean by coercion?”

“I didn’t fight,” he said calmly, “even though I wanted to. I focused on you. On what losing control could mean for me and how it would affect you.”

I closed my eyes and whispered, “Thank you.”

“But I shook him up a little. A lot,” he corrected.

I pictured David lifting Arnaud’s slight body easily, maybe with one arm, and pinning him to the wall. It made me smile, but I said, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I should’ve listened the first time you told me how you felt about him.”

“What about Clare?”

“I apologized, said I didn’t know about Arnaud. She’s going to reconsider the lawsuit.”

I nodded. “Good. Can we go to bed now?”

“We’re not finished.”

Shit.

“Did I or did I not,” he intoned between gritted teeth, “tell you
several
times not to go see Bill without me?”

My throat felt suddenly dry so I only nodded.

His laugh was empty. “But why the fuck would you listen to anything I say?”

“I went to his office,” I said. “He would never jeopardize his job for me, and he was perfectly compliant.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he clipped. “I want to be there for that shit. If he lays a hand on you, if he calls you names, I promised I would be your shield. Why won’t you let me?”

I felt overwhelmingly exhausted in that moment, and I didn’t want to fight. “But it was good news,” I said to myself. “He agreed to the six months.”

“Six months and your share of the savings. Jerry told me.”

“It only makes sense. It’s my money.”

He took a step toward me. My breathing shallowed when his next step gave way to a prowl. “You’ll do whatever it takes to keep one foot out the door.”

“No.” It came out as a frightened whispered.

Everything about him was tense, including his hard expression. I jumped up from the couch, but he caught me by the waist and tossed me back onto it. He grabbed the undersides of my knees and
dragged me to the end, positioning my pelvis so it was vertical against the arm. He licked his lips and looked into my eyes as he undid his pants. In his eyes I could see his need for me, and he needed me bad for whatever he was going through. I was only wearing my nightgown and underwear, so next he took off my panties and flung them aside.

He propped himself over me with one hand next to my head and used the other to feed himself into me. I grasped at tiny breaths as I took his length slowly, clutching desperately at each inch like it was the last time. He rooted himself as deeply as he could before his thrusts began. “You want me to leave you?” he asked.

“No,” I grated.

“Want me to throw you out with nothing?”

“No,” I said, and his drives grew harder, mashing me into the couch.

“Want me to break you, once and for all?”

I gasped. “No.”

“Then tell me so,” he said through his teeth.

“I love you,” I said as I watched him blur with my tears.

“Tell me you want me to stay.”

“I want you to stay.”

“Beg me,” he commanded with hardness in his eyes.

“Please stay,” I breathed.

“That’s not good enough.” Salty tears fell down my cheeks, and I bit my lip. He wrapped his large hand at the base of my throat to pull me onto him harder. “Beg.”

“Don’t . . . leave me,” I choked through a sob. “Don’t ever leave me, David, please, I’m begging you. I couldn’t take it. I love you and I need you, God, I fucking need you more than anything in the world, stay, stay forever,
stay
.”

As the pleas tumbled out, he straightened his back and levered my hips up in the air. His hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me into each harsh thrust. His eyes had glazed over in a way I’d never seen, but I trusted him, and I let him take me how he needed until I was squirming under him, fisting the couch, arching my back and mewling, sobbing, begging him to stay and finally, coming with shudders that were lost in the aggressive way he fucked me.

“I want everything from you,” he growled, “until you no longer know who the fuck you are because I have every part of you. I’m sick of asking for it, and now I’m taking it.” His need came faster, my body just a receptacle now, each thrust with a louder grunt until, like he was going in for the kill, his jaw set, his grip tightened, his head jerked up to the ceiling, and he erupted into me. He held me there for a while longer as his eyes remained fixed upward, his wet cock sliding in and out of me slowly, leisurely. Then he pulled out and dropped me back on the couch. I’d done hardly anything and I was breathing hard; his chest was heaving. Without a word, he turned and left the room.

I stood shakily and pulled my underwear back on. When I got to the bedroom, he was sprawled out on his side of the bed, over the comforter, in just his boxer briefs. He was already passed out. I climbed in next to him and shut my eyes.

~

I stand in the darkness of the night, the rebelling tide threatening to pull me out to sea with each lap at my ankles. There’s a presence behind me. It wants to protect me by consuming me. It slides itself around my neck, pulling me close until it’s so tight that I can no longer breathe. I try to pull it away, but it’s not the presence anymore that’s strangling me; it’s a snake, and the rough scales slither along my bare skin. I open my mouth to scream, but I am voiceless. As the presence dissolves, the snake untangles itself and swims away into the night. I dive in after it.

I jerked awake. Despite the cold, sweat trickled down my temples. I’d forgotten to close the blinds and moonlight streamed through the window, striping the comforter. David was serenely sleeping, his back rising and falling evenly in the position I’d found him earlier.

I took my phone from the nightstand and opened my e-mail.

From:
Lucy Greene

Sent:
Mon, November 26, 2012 04:16 PM CST

To:
Olivia Germaine

Subject:
Re: Hi

Dear Liv,

You know how much I’ve valued your friendship over the years. It’s rare to stay so super close after college. But I don’t feel like I know you anymore. Since you met David, you’re not the same person. Bill tells me that in the months following the funeral, you were upset because of losing David, not Davena. That is beyond me, especially considering the way you treated Bill during that time and even us too when we tried to help. Also, the Liv I know would never throw a drink in someone’s face. Not just someone – my sister.

The way you broke your vows makes me sick to my stomach. What you said at my wedding was beautiful but knowing that it didn’t mean anything is a slap in the face. I’ve always liked David, but he is a bad influence on you. Even though I disagree with your choices, I don’t want to see you get hurt. I know that the divorce is already underway, so I can only pray that you’ve made the right decision.

We have so much history, and I don’t want to dishonor that. At the same time, Bill and Andrew are closer than ever. I must respect Andrew’s friendship because at the end of the day, my loyalty is to him. I think it’s best we don’t speak for a while.

Best wishes always,

Lucy

I ran the back of my hand over my wet cheeks. There was nothing left to say. I knew there’d be consequences to my choices; this was one of them.

Even though the love of my life was right next to me, I missed him keenly in that moment. I folded into myself like a wilting flower, my petals browning at the edges and dropping one by one without David’s nourishment. I needed to be held by him, to be revived by his love. And he was so close, within reach, but he seemed far away.

I eased out of bed and tiptoed over to the window. Soft snow danced across the glass in beautiful chaos. The view of Chicago’s cityscape from the top of the building was stunning as always, sleeping but still alive. It was powerful, raw, dark. I couldn’t help losing myself in it, and I didn’t know how long I stood there.

The first time I saw David smile at Lucy’s engagement party, it had nearly knocked me off my feet – how did I not know then that I was in love? Then there was the first time I saw all of him, still mysterious and sinister, even when he was stripped down to nothing. Or when he let me cry into his chest after we’d made love at the Gryphon hotel. It had been that moment when I knew I was caught in a storm with no shelter.

I jumped at David’s touch. His arms slid around my shoulders from behind and pulled me into him. “Honeybee,” he whispered in my ear.

My tears had dried, but I was shaking. “I don’t want to lose you,” I said to the window. “Stay. I want you to stay.”

We sat that way for a while. When my trembling subsided, his body dislodged from mine, leaving me bereft. I closed my eyes at the loss, but it wasn’t long until he returned. His arms went back around me, and his lips came to my ear. “Were you afraid earlier?”

“No,” I whispered. “I trust you.”

His grip on me tightened. “Even though I knew it wouldn’t change my mind, I thought a lot today and last night. I thought about life with and without children. About life,” he paused, and I felt his tentative breath, “without you.”