Xane watched her make a circuit of his stomach with her lips. ‘It’d probably be best if you didn’t go there either. At least not straightaway. Think about how easily I found you. If anyone is looking for you … you know they’ll go there first.’
‘Where else am I supposed to go?’
He shrugged. ‘Your mum’s?’
Perish the thought
.
She’d rather take her chances with the paparazzi. A genuine shiver rolled through her body before she had time to consider how it would feel to Xane.
Her obvious revulsion made him sit up immediately. He took off his shades and hooked one arm over his top pocket. ‘I thought … You never said there was a problem between you and your mum. Is that really not an option?’
Oh, it was an option, but only if she was prepared for them to exact their pound of flesh. At the very least, her crimes of the last few days would earn her another two rows of scars. At worst … she didn’t even care to speculate. She’d learned early on that the sisterhood were capable of much harsher punishments than any she could dream up, and what she’d done with Xane would be far worse in their eyes than anything she’d ever done before. And she’d have to explain what had happened in order to find shelter there. They wouldn’t accept her just wanting to come and stay for a few weeks – assuming they accepted her back at all. It might be that they simply cut her off. ‘I’m sure I can get a room somewhere.’ Her budget would just about stretch to a night or two in a cheap B&B.
‘Oh, no.’ Xane tugged her into his arms and up against his body. ‘You don’t get to brush this under the carpet. Why can’t you stay with your mum?’
‘Are you going to hide out with your family?’ she countered defensively. She did not want to have this conversation. Not now. Not ever. Her skin turned clammy at the thought of it.
‘Yes, actually,’ Xane replied, seemingly surprised by the question.
‘Really?’ She narrowed her eyes sceptically. Considering the opinions he’d shared about his siblings, she couldn’t imagine he’d ever run to them for help.
‘Oh, God, not with Maude and Arthur,’ he clarified. ‘Not if they were the only safe haven left and I was being chased by zombies. I mean to impose on my cousin Ric. If I’d been thinking straight I’d have gone there first. He’s a virtual recluse. Lives on a goddamned chunk of rock in the English Channel.’
That certainly sounded safe, and rather more sensible than his decision to come to Monaco.
‘If you stay in a cheap hotel, the staff will sell you out.’
‘Well, I don’t have any other options.’
Xane gave her a searching look with his mismatched eyes – he still hadn’t replaced the missing contact lens.
She waited for him to ask why again, but he didn’t. He didn’t need to. He’d seen her scars. She’d filled in the blanks for him without even meaning to.
‘Your mum’s responsible for those marks?’ he said.
Funny how he could fit so much expression into one simple phrase. His tone encompassed everything from incredulity and disgust to cold rage. He didn’t snarl, but she could see the heat dancing in his eyes.
‘I assumed they were self-inflicted. But they’re not, are they?’
Dani started to shake her head, but gave up almost immediately.
‘Fuck!’ he hissed, as though someone had sucked all the wind out of him. ‘I thought my parents were bad, but at least they never cut me.’
‘She didn’t. It wasn’t … It’s not what you think.’
‘Isn’t it? I don’t know what I think. Christ, Dani, how long did it go on for? Didn’t you ever tell anybody?’
‘Who?’ she said. ‘Who was I supposed to tell?’ And he’d got it all wrong anyway.
Dani pushed herself out of his arms, suddenly unable to tolerate the closeness. Too many varied emotions were flickering across his face; she couldn’t even look at him. She’d known this point would come, when she’d have to explain to somebody, justify things she couldn’t adequately justify to herself, but that didn’t make it any easier. Worse still, this just seemed like the wrong moment. They were about to separate. She didn’t want this to be his lasting impression of her. She didn’t want him to think ‘Dani’ coupled with ‘poor’ or ‘abused’. She didn’t want his sympathy. She wanted his love.
Still, there didn’t seem to be any way to avoid the subject. Xane wasn’t going to let her out of this room until he knew the whole story. She knew stubborn determination when she saw it. ‘Tell me,’ he insisted. He reached out to comfort her again, but she pushed him away.
Dani made two false starts, then swallowed the only thing left in the mini-bar – a Pernod miniature – and began again with the strange taste coating her tongue.
‘I think I mentioned my dad left. He had an affair and mum found out. They split and mum went to pieces as a result. I don’t remember how long it lasted – it had seemed like for ever at the time – but she refused to do anything. She wouldn’t get up. She wouldn’t get dressed. So she lost her job and then the house. I think she probably came close to losing me too. I distinctly remember social services paying a visit. In the end, I think that’s what made her act. We left the house that night. There was an eviction notice on the door anyway, and we moved into St Agatha’s.’
‘What is that – a women’s refuge?’
‘No.’ She covered her mouth with her hand. ‘It’s a …’ She began to pace. It was easier to shape her thoughts while moving. ‘It’s a commune, a religious commune. Women only, and very insular. I’m not sure if they contacted her or if mum approached them, but their beliefs kind of keyed in to what she was feeling at the time. She was really angry and embarrassed by what dad had done, and the fact that she hadn’t suspected anything was going on.’
Xane nodded. ‘Go on.’
‘As I said, they’re pretty insular.’ The threat of tears stung in her nose. Dani pinched the bridge to clear the sensation. ‘They’ve some extreme views. I don’t know if you’ve ever even heard of St Agatha?’
He shook his head.
‘She’s a Christian martyr, revered for her purity and chastity. She resisted all male advances, even when tortured. The sisterhood of St Agatha believe that desire, particularly sexual desire, is a sin man brought to the world, but which they’re capable of rising above.’
‘I’m guessing this … cult –’ he paused to suck his tongue as though it might remove the taste of the word from his mouth ‘– aren’t big on loud rock music and rampant promiscuity.’
‘They view sex of any kind as a sin, even for procreation. They all swear vows of chastity as if they were nuns. I think mum initially signed up because it meant she didn’t have to feel she’d failed and she didn’t have to fear the same sort of thing happening again if she started dating anyone else, but I don’t really know. It wasn’t as if she discussed it with me. She just expected me to follow suit and forgo the idea of ever having sex or forming a relationship or starting a family.’
‘You rebelled?’ he asked.
A fleck of something – sympathy – which hadn’t been there before shone in his eyes.
‘Of course I did. Who wants to give up love before they’ve even experienced it? That, and I could see how frustrated and vitriolic it made them all. As you can imagine, that didn’t go down well. They couldn’t tolerate my views, because they belittled their own beliefs, and they couldn’t throw me out, because I was a minor, and then later having me around became a way of proving their own goodness. I was like a challenge to them. I’m not sure why they ever agreed to let me move out. I think they hoped I’d get myself into trouble and come sobbing back to them ready to accept that they’d been right all along.’
‘I see why you can’t go back, but the marks, Dani – how do they fit in?’
‘At first listening to your music was plain rebellion, but it became more than that. You were like me. You sang about the things I felt.’
‘Both love and pain are pretty universal.’
‘It was more than that. Your words got right under my skin, and then it didn’t matter how much or how often I was punished for listening to you or thinking about you, I couldn’t make myself stop. I refused to give you up. Oh, God, Xane! I don’t want to do it now, either. I’ve been so worried about being found out and dragged back to the commune, but that doesn’t mean I want this to end or that I’m not prepared to take risks in order to stay with you.’
‘I don’t want you taking risks. Mixing you up in my shit isn’t fair.’
‘I don’t give a pig’s ear about what’s fair. I don’t want our time together reduced to a tally of lines on my skin. I want to be with you. I want to help you through this. I’m mad about you, Xane.’
Holy shit!
How many times had they held her down and listened to her scream? There had to be fifty, maybe a hundred marks on her, and all because she desired a man. No, not
a
man – him.
They had to be made to pay for that.
Xane traced her lips slowly, seeking to deliver comfort rather than passion. Salty tears ran over her lips and into his mouth. ‘No one is going to cut you again for being with me, or anyone else. We can shut them down, Dani.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s their choice.’
‘It wasn’t your choice.’
‘I could have left. I could have run away. It was my choice to stay and let them support me. I didn’t have to accept their charity.’
‘No one wants to go it entirely alone in the world.
‘I don’t want to make trouble, Xane. I just want to leave them behind.’ Dani smiled up at him through watery eyes. Teardrops hung in the long strands of her eyelashes. ‘As much as they’re crazy, and despite everything they’ve done, they still looked after mum and me when we needed somewhere to go. I don’t want to lose contact with her either. She’s all I’ve got.’
He stroked her long hair and cupped her face so that he could press another kiss to her lips. ‘You’ve got me.’
‘Don’t.’ She tapped a finger on his nose. ‘I know that’s not really true. We’re about to part ways, remember. You were in the process of saying goodbye.’
When he tried to deny it, she kept on shaking her head.
‘I know what this has been about. I get it, Xane, and I’m not bitter. I know you’re working through a lot of stuff right now, what with everything that’s happened with the band and having to move on from Elspeth.’
‘Dani – no! I’m not grieving for Elspeth. Hiding from the band, maybe, but I was never … This was never about her. Leastways, not in the way you think.’ Yes, she was partly responsible for the cluster of bruises on his heart, but not because he’d loved her, rather because she’d stolen something from him that he could never win back. Not that Steve had ever been his in the first place. He’d been an idiot thinking that was even remotely true.
The internal phone rang, disturbing them with its jarring tone. Xane answered.
‘Your cab to the airport is here, sir.’
‘Thanks. We’ll be right down.’
‘Time?’ Dani asked, when he hung up.
Xane nodded. He’d been thinking on his feet earlier, when he’d booked their flights, imagining that by sending her home he’d ensure her safety. He didn’t want her caught up in the drama unfolding around him. But her home wasn’t safe, nor did he actually wish to part with her. Dani was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time.
He took hold of her hand and lifted it to his lips. ‘You know, we don’t have to go separate ways, if you don’t want to. There’s no reason why you couldn’t come to Ric’s with me.’
‘Really?’ She peeped up at him, clearly astonished.
Xane nodded. ‘As long as you realise the consequences, and that we might well end up stuck there for some time. I don’t know how that would affect you, aside from the obvious trouble it might cause with your mum. I assume you’ve work commitments.’ It was one thing to steal her away from her everyday life for a weekend or so, but expecting her to run away with him for what could be a long time was a much bigger proposition, and one he didn’t think she’d accept.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes. I’ll come.’
‘You will?’
‘Are you kidding? I’m crazy about you.’
‘What about your mum? Won’t she disown you?’
Dani pursed her lips and began to frown. ‘Maybe.’ He watched the dilemma further churn within her thoughts. ‘I’ll take that risk,’ she said at last. ‘If she really loves me, she’ll understand. I know she did love my dad once upon a time. Some bit of her must remember how that felt.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah.’ She nodded barely perceptibly. ‘Yes, I am.’
‘Thank God.’ He squeezed her tight as a goofy grin stretched his lips wide. It seemed amazing to him that she was prepared to risk so much, when she still barely knew him. No one else had ever put so much faith in him.
Of course, she might change her mind once she did know him properly. Xane was under no illusions about himself. He knew he was high maintenance and he couldn’t deny he still felt torn up inside. At some point he’d have to explain to her what had really happened between himself, Elspeth and Steve over the last eighteen months. Just not yet, while it remained so raw.
‘If your cousin is that reclusive, won’t he mind us just turning up?’
Xane shook his head. Ric would never turn him away in a crisis. ‘I might have to owe him one, which will probably involve stripping off.’ He pursed his lips, and then shrugged.
Dani’s lovely brown eyes crossed briefly before she made the connection. ‘Ric’s the dodgy photographer? The one who took those photographs you have on the wall at your place?’
‘Yeah, that’s the one. Though I suggest you use the term erotic photographer when you meet him.’
‘I’ll try to do that,’ she said, a massive grin bursting across her face. ‘I can’t believe this is real. Are you sure you want me with you, Xane?’
‘One hundred per cent.’ He bent close to her ear. ‘There’s at least sixty ways I haven’t had you yet.’
Xane’s phone vibrated non-stop from the moment he arrived in Schiphol airport, which wouldn’t have been half so annoying if even one of those alerts had been from the person he wanted to reach. ‘Pick up the phone, Ric, you useless bastard.’
‘Urgh.’ He scrolled through the lists of messages, frowning at the mix of inane and insulting texts. Why did people need to inundate him with this crap? Because, seriously, he wasn’t sure he knew what furtling was, let alone whether he’d enjoy doing it with Pierre or anyone else for that matter, nor was he about to attach himself to some obscure Finnish rock group that couldn’t play for shit but really would love him to be their new vocalist.