“I won't.”
“I did,” she reminded me with one of the flirty, sexy smiles she was famous for. “Never say never.”
“I didn't say never. It's none of your business anyway.”
And it wasn't. Everybody thought we were their business. Everyone who met Nell that day sized her up, not like Jessamine, who knew about my darker proclivities, but like nosy people. I could tell it was difficult for her, the scrutiny, the constant prying questions. Having to act like my girlfriend when I didn't think she even liked me very much.
“
How long have you known Jeremy
?”
“
Not very long
.”
“
Where did you meet
?”
“
I was working as a waitress when he came in for dinner
.”
They weren't paparazzi; they were production people, but they were just as persistent with their questions, and Nell wasn't comfortable with the attention. My last girlfriend had loved the attention, wallowed in it from the beginning, to the point where it disgusted me a little.
But Nell was more circumspect. No, she was
afraid
. Afraid of attention, afraid of the press and cameras. I knew it, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Admit that what she was enduring for me was, perhaps, not so great for her mental health. Well, I was paying her plenty of money to compensate. Wasn't that enough?
On the way to the car at the end of the day, Kyle showed me a tabloid, the photo from her foray into the street the day before. God, she looked terrified. Her expression was outwardly calm, but her eyes were filled with fear. If I had any conscience at all, I would have sent her back to LA on the next plane with some college tuition and a
thank you very much
. But I had no conscience, of course; I was perpetually selfish. I gave it back to him before Nell could see it.
“Tired?” I asked as we navigated the busy streets back to the hotel.
“No, I'm fine. I just…” She shrugged.
“What?”
“I can't believe…the whole movie thing…behind the scenes…”
“It's overwhelming, isn't it?”
“I see now why you need to unwind at the end of the day. Why so many celebrities get addicted to alcohol and drugs.”
“You're better than alcohol and drugs,” I said. She didn't answer, just another small frown. I looked down at her hands which were clasped tightly in her lap.
“Do you…? How do you…? Are you unhappy?” Where the hell had that come from? I rubbed my eyes and sighed. “Look, are you really miserable here with me?”
She was quiet a moment, then, “Do I seem miserable?”
“Yes, you do, to be honest.” I took a deep breath. “Do you want to go home?”
“Do you want me to go home?”
“Just answer my question,” I said. “Do you want to go home?”
“No.”
I eased back against the seat. “It will get better. Soon, Nell.”
“I know.”
We rode a long time in silence. She was rigid beside me.
So unhappy
. Why couldn't she smile?
“Just tell me what's wrong,” I said.
She shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Something's wrong.”
“Nothing's wrong. I'm tired. I just…” Her voice trailed off, and she waved her hand away.
“Smile for me, then,” I said.
“I don't really feel like smiling.”
I don't know why I felt I had to push her at that moment. But I did. “I asked you to smile for me.” I used the voice. She looked up at me.
“Do you really want me to smile?” Her voice sounded edgy. Her normally light eyes looked dark and glazed.
“I don't like to repeat myself. I want a real smile, not a forced one.”
She waited a moment, gauged if I was serious, then gave me an approximation of a grin.
“Pitiful.” I turned away, then turned back again.
“What's your name, Nell?” I wanted a reaction, and I got one. She spun her head around and snapped at me.
“What? What do you want from me?”
“I just want to know your real name—”
“Why?”
“Because I fucking want to!”
She turned to look out the window again. So much anger under the surface, for both of us. I took her hand.
“Look, I'm stressed. Okay? Relax me, talk to me. Tell me a story, Nell. Another story. A story from your work.”
She was quiet for so long, I thought she wasn't going to do it, but then she said, “One time this guy came into Eden. He was really hot, the hottest guy I'd ever seen. But I could tell right off he wasn't really a dominant. I had no idea what he was doing there. He offered me two thousand dollars to come to my apartment and fuck me. And he did; he fucked my mouth and my cunt and my ass—”
“Nell—”
“It was so weird. It was almost as if he was trying me out, sampling the goods. And you know what, he actually was. He worked for this perverted movie star who—”
“Enough.”
We sat in uneasy silence. She said she didn't want to leave, but it was also apparent that she thought I was a dick.
“
He worked for this perverted movie star who
—”
Who what? Who was an asshole? Who ruined my life? Who got me fired from my job? Who dragged me to Thailand to make me miserable?
“You're a submissive,” I said, trying not to let my injured pride sound in my voice. “You're
my
submissive. If you're going to stay, you need to show a little respect.”
“Yes, Jeremy,” she said in a perfectly docile tone that broadcast
fuck you
loud and clear.
“I mean it. I don't care if you dislike me. I don't care if you're miserable here. Put up with it or leave, just like I offered you. If you want to leave, just let me know.”
But I didn't tell her that I would have paid for her college anyway if she left, would have gotten her old job back if she wanted it too. I didn't want to make leaving an attractive proposition for her. Perpetually selfish. Hard habit to break.
She chewed her lip, looking away from me.
“I can't wait to get back to the room with you,” I said. I let her mind wander over the reason why. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do with her. Spank her, fuck her, tie her up, sodomize her, kiss her, worship her, make her suck my cock. I was like those adolescent boys who had so many fantasies, they couldn't get it together enough to make even one come to pass.
* * *
I didn't take her hand in the elevator. There was no one around, and a day of playing boyfriend and girlfriend on the set had taken a toll on us both. She walked behind me down the hall, then stood still as a statue while I unlocked the door. As soon as we were inside, she turned to me.
“I just want to make you happy.” Her voice sounded small and tight. “I'm failing miserably, I know. I don't know why I'm like this.”
I looked at her a long moment, looked right in her eyes.
“Prunella?”
I said it just to make her laugh. I'd been hoarding it all day. And it worked. She gave me a smile as she shook her head. It wasn't a huge smile, but it was a start.
“You aren't failing.” I cupped her chin in my hand to make her look at me. “Listen to me, because I'm not going to keep repeating this. I know you think you're not good enough, that you're not a real submissive. That you're going to be exposed for the scared, nervous, inexperienced girl you are. Well, I've seen it already. I know you're scared. I know you haven't had a whole lot of real-life sex, that you're not the best submissive in the world. But I chose you, Nell. I promise you turn me on more than anything else in the world, and God, the way you're looking at me right now…”
I stopped talking and took her face in my hands. I kissed her, because I couldn't stand not to when she looked at me that way, all soft, wide-eyed submission. Her lips were so warm, so giving. I pulled her close to me and whispered next to her ear.
“God, just trust me. I'll take care of everything; all you need to do is submit to me. That's all. The rest will work itself out. If you truly want to make me happy, then just do as I ask. Don't be defensive, and don't be angry anymore. You're here, and you say you want to be, so I would like to let the rest go. The way we met, the things I did that made you so mad. The things that happened yesterday. Because we're not going to get anywhere with this anger simmering underneath.”
I looked down at her, and she nodded. “Okay. I'll try to let it go of it.”
“Don't try, just do it. Or if you can't, then please go. I have enough stress in my life. I don't need your disapproval on top of it all.”
“I'm sorry, Jeremy. I really don't want to go. I just get so worried and scared. I have no one else to talk to, to vent to. I know you're a good person, that you did what you did to get me here out of—”
Love
. We both heard it in the air between us clear as day, although her voice cut off with a sharp breath.
“Out of desperation,” I said. “And that's your power over me. I was desperate to have you. I still am.” I slipped my hands under her shirt to stroke the silky skin of her lower back. “So don't be scared. Just be Nell. Can you do that? Or have you completely forgotten who you are? Is that why you won't tell me your name?”
“I don't know,” she said. “I may have forgotten, a little. Or maybe I never knew.”