Coming Back To You (5 page)

For the first time in almost seven years, he
considered that maybe he’d never been to blame at all. Perhaps
Carol had just been too young to know how to tell him what she
wanted, and perhaps he’d just been too busy with school to notice
her unhappiness. Maybe neither one of them were to blame and the
incident had been one giant mistake from the beginning. Even so,
the aftershocks were hell on his heart. They
still
were.

But his problems with love extended beyond
Carol. Every significant relationship he’d had, even in school, had
ended badly. And each failed relationship shattered his confidence
with the opposite sex a little bit more than the last. Carol
jilting him had just been the breaking point, pushing him over the
edge. Fighting his way back up the side of that jagged cliff was
proving almost impossible.

But through all the broken hearts, his mom
had stood by him.

“I love you, Mom.” He kissed her cheek.

“I love you, too, honey. Now, come back
downstairs. You haven’t had dessert, yet, and Maria made the most
incredible brownies. They’re full of chunks of fudgy chocolate and
covered with caramel and marshmallows. They’re divine.” His mom’s
eyes had rolled back dreamily as she wrapped her arm around his
again and led him to the door.

Mark stared at the panel of buttons in the
elevator as he remembered the feelings that had rolled through him
at his mom’s mention of Maria’s chocolate chunk brownies.

They had felt like a sign. Maybe not
the
sign, but one the higher powers at work in the universe
had used to let him know they were working on granting his
wish.

Be patient.

Razor’s advice whispered through his
mind.

But his patience was waning. Sooner or later,
he would reach a breaking point, and when that happened, all bets
were off, despite Razor’s words of wisdom.

The elevator doors opened, and a renewed
sense of frustration fueled his steps as he marched to his
apartment like a Navy SEAL about to open a can of whoop-ass on a
terrorist encampment.

He unlocked his door, stalked inside, yanked
off his tie, and whipped it onto the couch as he disappeared into
the hall. Entering his bedroom, he wrangled off his jacket and
flung it onto the bed as if it were a rock he couldn’t throw hard
enough.

All the aggression felt good. Like he was
actually doing something for a change instead of sitting around on
his ass like a useless lump. He unfastened the top buttons of his
shirt as he stormed into the bathroom and flipped on the
faucet.

“Fuck!” He cupped his hands under the cold,
running water then splashed it on his face before lifting his gaze
to the man in the mirror. A tormented ghost glared back from the
reflection, a stream of water drizzling off his chin.

He didn’t want to rush things, but the
universe needed to get off its ass and start working on that sign
he’d asked for, because his patience was running out.

Chapter 4

January 9

Karma sat on the couch across from Jan in her
office, which felt more like a cozy living room than a clinical
setting. Maybe that was the point, because it was a lot easier to
relax in a home than in a sterile white room.

“How was your Christmas?” Jan said, situating
her iPad on her lap.

“Difficult.”

Jan’s eyebrows ticked inward. “How so?”

Karma struggled to put her feelings into
words. “I don’t know. I just felt…”
Sad. Angry. Miserable. So in
love it hurts to breathe, to get up, to move, to even think. All I
wanted was to see him again. Talk to him. Hear his voice. Touch
him. Slap him. Scream at him for leaving me alone.

“Karma…?”

Tears sprung to her eyes. She tried to blink
them away. “I thought a lot about Mark on Christmas.” She sniffled
and grabbed a tissue from the end table. “Everything seems to be
getting worse instead of better.”

The weeks of rehashing her relationship with
Mark during these sessions, as well as writing about him in her
blog, were mounting an offensive strike on her emotions that felt
like an invasion. It didn’t help that the self-doubting voices
she’d endured since being bullied as a child had started whispering
in her head again.

She’d been a fool to think that four blissful
months with Mark would be enough to eradicate a lifetime of
torment.

She turned pleading eyes on Jan. “Shouldn’t I
be getting better by now? I mean, we were only together four
months. How could only four months hurt this much?”

Jan sat forward and spoke softly. “Because
you loved him, Karma. And first loves are always the hardest to get
over. Some people never get over them.”

“But…but…” Karma finally gave in and let
herself cry.

She just wanted her life to go back to
normal. Problem was, she no longer knew what normal meant. After
spending a glorious summer with Mark, he’d redefined what normal
was.

For example, was
this
normal? All this
heartbreak and sadness? Karma had never had a boyfriend before
Mark, so she had nothing to compare to. All she knew was that the
day Mark left, a whole lot of emptiness had invaded her life.

Maybe what Jan said about first loves was
reason to hope, though. If first loves were the hardest to get
over, maybe all this pain and misery
was
normal. Wasn’t it
true that the first time for anything was the hardest? The first
kiss. The first time riding a bicycle without training wheels.
Losing your virginity.

So maybe all this pain wasn’t so much a
normal reaction to losing a man she loved but a result of
experiencing her
first loss
of love. The sorrow and despair
were amplified not because it was Mark, but because she’d fallen in
love for the first time. Mark just happened to be the one she’d
fallen in love with. The good news was at least now she could check
this
first off her list so she never had to deal with it
again. Next time, breaking up wouldn’t be so hard. But this time?
Yeah, this time sucked.

But the misery blistering her soul was caused
by more than just losing him. With Mark, she had found herself.
Really
found
herself. He had helped her uncover the woman
she’d always wanted to be but had been too afraid of, right down to
her sexuality. Talk about bringing someone out of her shell. Not
only had Mark pulled her from the shell, but out of the ocean, up
the beach, and deep into the mainland.

He’d been more than just a simple first. In
four months, he had revolutionized her existence. No wonder she was
so messed up without him there to guide her.

Without him, she couldn’t stop herself from
dragging her withered body back toward the only safety net she’d
ever known: the shell she’d spent over a decade in. The mainland
was too much for her to handle alone. The childhood taunts crept
back in. Her fledgling confidence, which had flourished under
Mark’s tutelage, faltered. Getting back to the ocean and into her
shell seemed the only way she would feel safe again.

And, damn it, that pissed her off.

She didn’t want to lose the woman she had
become. She liked who she’d been with Mark. Somehow, she had to
find a way to recapture that woman on her own.

That was why she was in Jan’s office now. As
much as she still loved Mark, it was time to stand on her own. But
she needed help to learn how. Jan could guide her back to the
mainland and help her put Mark behind her.

“Are you okay to continue?” Jan said when
Karma finally regained her composure.

She nodded and wiped under her eyes. “Yes, I
think so.”

Jan relaxed into her chair. “Be patient with
yourself, Karma. This is only our fifth appointment. You’re not
going to get over him just like that.” She snapped her fingers. “It
takes time. Breathe through your sadness. Fully experience it.
That’s the only way you’ll be able to understand it, learn from it,
and eventually move on.”

With her dad and her friends telling her to
forget Mark, she had begun to think there was something wrong with
her for continuing to think about him. That maybe she was defective
since she couldn’t just stop loving him and get on with the next
big thing. Now, here came Jan, who wanted her to revel in her
sorrow. Well, maybe not revel, but at least not discount it. Not
just toss her sadness away like threadbare socks that no longer
served a purpose. Jan was giving her permission to hurt and feel
the pain losing Mark inflicted.

“Have you heard about the five stages of
loss?” Jan set down her iPad.

Karma shrugged. “No.”

“Many relate the five stages of loss to the
death of a loved one, but they can apply to any loss. Especially
the loss of a relationship.” Jan uncrossed her legs and sat
forward. “The five stages are denial and isolation, anger,
depression, bargaining, and acceptance.” She ticked them off on her
fingers. “The theory is, when we experience loss, we go through all
five phases in one way or another, and everyone goes through them
differently. Sometimes, the first emotion we feel is anger or
depression. Sometimes it’s bargaining.”

“What’s bargaining mean?”

Jan sat back and recrossed her legs.
“Thoughts such as, ‘if only he’d done this,’ ‘if only I had one
more chance.’ That sort of thing. Sometimes, a person might try to
make a deal with God or turn things over to the universe: ‘Please,
God. If you give me another chance, I’ll do such and such.’ There’s
a lot of negotiating with a higher power you perceive has control
over the situation, as if it’s not
you
controlling your
destiny but someone or something else. People make promises to God
in return for Him to take things back to how they were before the
loss occurred. Does that make sense?”

“Yes.” Karma had done her share of bargaining
after Mark’s departure.

“Some people get stuck in the bargaining
phase, mistaking fate for loss. They look for signs, which serves
only to keep them rooted in place instead of moving forward. People
stuck in bargaining often become angry or depressed. Sometimes
both.” She paused for a breath. “The other thing that can happen is
that the person becomes intensely remorseful or guilty, which
prevents healthy healing. In my experience, I’ve found that people
who get stuck in the bargaining phase feel they’ve made a mistake
or enabled the loss to occur, and oftentimes they feel as if their
head is warring with their heart. Rationally, they understand the
loss, but emotionally, they resist accepting it.”

“I don’t want to get stuck. I want to accept
that he’s gone and move on.” Mark wasn’t coming back. She needed to
work through her emotions and let go.

Jan winked and smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll
help you.” She clasped her hands in her lap. “So, how many of the
five phases would you say you’ve been through since Mark left?”

“Obviously, depression.” Karma’s sadness had
been what led her to Jan in the first place.

Jan offered a benign smile. “Obviously.”

“Bargaining. I’ve definitely had a lot of
if only
thoughts.” Whether or not she was stuck there,
though, she wasn’t sure, but she didn’t think so.

“Okay.” Jan picked up her iPad and made a
note. “What else? Do you think you went through denial?”

Karma thought for a moment then shook her
head. “No, not that I can think of.”

“Any anger?”

She recalled blaming Mark and being mad at
him for driving away without even trying to fight for what they
had.

“Yes.” Karma hadn’t been excessively angry,
but there were times if Mark had been standing in front of her, she
would have slapped him.

Jan made another quick note then placed her
tablet in her lap. “So it sounds like you’re working through the
five phases pretty well.” She smiled and lifted her hand off her
lap. “You might be a bit stalled in the depression phase—not stuck,
but stalled—but that’s pretty normal, especially for women. I’ve
noticed that men tend to get stuck more often in anger or
bargaining.” She smiled as if amused. “I think it’s a control
thing.”

This made Karma smile. “I can see that.”

Jan’s expression softened. “So, now we just
have to work you through your sadness and help you move toward
acceptance. Just remember that you can’t force yourself to move on.
That’s why I said you need to breathe through the sadness and
experience it. You need to pay attention to your feelings and let
them teach you what they need to teach you.”

“Does this mean I’ll move into denial
next?”

“Maybe. But more than likely, if you haven’t
experienced denial by now, you probably won’t. Denial usually comes
pretty soon after the loss, if not immediately after.”

Karma remembered the way she’d reacted when
her phone rang the evening after Mark’s departure. She’d thought
for sure it was Mark only to be disappointed when it was her
friend, Lisa. Maybe she’d been in denial up to that point, hoping
he would come back. But when she saw Lisa’s name on her caller ID,
all hope evaporated, and denial with it.

“You know, I think I did go through denial.
For a few hours after he left, at least. But then I realized he
wasn’t coming back.”

Jan made a note on her iPad. “Good. Then we
just need to work through these last lingering feelings to find
acceptance.”

She made it sound so easy.

“And you’ll help me?”

“Yes. That’s what I’m here for, and it’s why
I asked you to start a blog. Writing your feelings will help.” She
paused. “I read it over the weekend. Your blog, I mean. Excellent
stuff, Karma. Very evocative. I’m curious, though, why you named it
Chocolate Chunk Brownies
.”

Karma knew Jan would ask, and she felt her
face heat. “It was something Mark said to me once.”

Jan’s curious gaze implored her to
continue.