Authors: Carrie Elks
“
Are you sure? Will she mind if you drop in on her unannounced?” Niall starts the car up anyway.
“
I won’t be long. Just in and out.”
As we climb the stairs I get a sense of
déjà vu. My heart races with a mixture of exertion and anxiety, and I find myself clinging on to Niall’s hand for reassurance. When he stops to look at a piece of intricately designed graffiti on the stairwell I get to catch my breath for a moment, admiring his face.
“
Do you like graffiti?” I ask.
“
They’re the wall paintings of our time. Social realism in art form. I think they’re fascinating.”
I can see what he means.
“Have you ever done any?”
He laughs.
“Hasn’t everybody?”
I shake my head and laugh lightly.
“Not me. I’m a good girl, remember?”
His voice is soft. Low.
“I remember.”
We step out onto the familiar walkway that leads to Daisy
’s flat. Nothing has changed in the months since I was here. There’s still broken glass on the floor. Flat 403 still has boarded windows. There’s a twitch in the yellowed net curtains as I pass 408, and I assume a nosy neighbour is keeping an eye out.
“
Do you mind waiting here?” I ask Niall before we turn the corner to Daisy’s row of flats. “I don’t want to turn up unannounced with a stranger. I won’t be long, I promise.”
He grabs my hand before I can leave.
“If there’s anything wrong in there you scream, okay? I’ll be in there like a shot.” He drops his forehead until it’s resting on mine. “Take care of yourself. That’s an order.”
I nod and it moves both our heads.
“You’re lovely.”
“
I know.” He grins and it makes me want to hug him. Linking my arms around his neck, I pull him in tight. A second later he tugs me closer, his hands resting on my lower back, palms warm through my t-shirt. That’s where I want to stay. Safe in his arms, warm and cosy and perfectly content.
But I can
’t, not until I’ve seen for myself that Darren Tebbit hasn’t made a sudden reappearance.
As soon as I pull
away, Niall wanders back to lean against a wall, and I walk over to knock at Daisy’s door. Trying not to think about the last time I did this.
It takes her less than a minute to answer. She yanks the door open, lifting
a cigarette to her dry lips. Brow furrowing as she realises who it is.
“
What are you doing here?”
“
I was just wondering how you were doing. I haven’t had a chance to catch up with you.”
Daisy
stands aside and I walk in, relief enveloping me when I realise she’s in here alone.
“
I do have a phone you know,” she grumbles. “I’m in the middle of making tea.”
“
I won’t stay long then. Is everything okay? Allegra settling in all right?”
“
She’s fine.” Daisy’s eyes narrow. “Haven’t you just seen her? She’s been at class, right?”
Shit. Fuck.
“Um, yeah, we didn’t get a chance to talk.”
The microwave pings and we both ignore it.
“Why are you really here?”
There are times when I wish Daisy was stupid
, that I wasn’t so dumb. She knows I live nowhere near this estate. There’s no reason for me being here. It must be obvious I’m checking up on her. “I heard Darren was back.”
She
stubs her cigarette out in a pale green ashtray then swings to face me. “So you thought you’d run in here and be Miss Nosy Bitch, did you? Come checking up on the poor people? Want to sneer down your nose at us?”
“
I wanted to make sure he hasn’t been bothering you. Not after everything you’ve been through.” I’m lying and she knows it. I can tell by the way she frowns. She folds her arms tightly across her chest.
“
Well, he’s not here, is he?”
“
I can see that.” I try to say it lightly, but I come across as a fool. “Everything’s okay, then?”
I
’m eyeing the door, already wishing myself out of here. Why on earth did I ever come up? It seemed so simple: pop in, say hello, then walk right out, knowing Darren wasn’t anywhere near either Daisy or Allegra. Now all I’ve done is put Daisy’s back up again, and I know it’s going to backfire somehow.
“
I’m about to call Allegra in for tea, so you need to go.” Daisy grabs her phone.
That
’s when I see it. Hanging casually on the back of a chair. A black leather jacket—too big to be Daisy’s. Too roomy to belong to anybody but a man. I step toward it, reaching out to touch, then I’m yanked back, my spine jarring at the sudden change in direction.
“
Get out of here.” Daisy’s voice is low. A warning. She releases my shoulder and I step back.
“
Is that Darren’s?”
“
None of your fucking business. Now get out of here.” Her face is twisted and angry. She steps toward me and I can feel the menace.
“
It
is
my business. Is he back? He shouldn’t be around Allegra. Not after what he did last time.” My breath comes faster, the adrenaline kicking in. “I can’t believe you let him come back.”
“
He’s not back, now fuck off and don’t come back.” She pushes me and I stumble, grabbing onto the doorjamb for support. “I don’t want you near Allegra, you interfering little bitch. Keep away from us both.”
She
’s so angry, the room vibrates with her fury. I make a grab for the door handle and yank at it. The door swings open, crashing against the wall.
“
That’s right, piss off. And don’t come back,” Daisy shouts after me. “If I hear you’ve been anywhere near her I’ll deck you.”
A loud bang
tells me she’s shut the door, but my heart is still racing when I reach Niall. Breathing fast, I run straight into his arms, needing his comfort more than ever. My mind is buzzing with thoughts of Darren and Allegra, and what I should do to try and sort this whole mess out.
When we walk toward the stairwell he slides his hand on top of mine and holds me tightly, not once letting go
.
It
’s only when we’re halfway down the stairs that I feel as though I can breathe again.
25
Neither of us speak as Niall navigates the potholed roads of the estate. The car bounces every time he hits a dip too wide to avoid. It doesn’t feel like an oppressive silence, though. I’m too busy thinking, and I suppose he is, too. We barely notice our surroundings as we make our way north east. The blur of chicken takeaways and kebab shops are only a blip on my radar.
When we
’re a few roads away from my flat I finally find my voice. “How do you know where I live?”
Niall
makes a neat little manoeuvre, sliding the Fiesta into the tightest of spaces. Either he’s an excellent parker or he doesn’t give a damn if he dings his car. “Alex told me.”
Alex has a lot to answer for. Most of it good.
Niall climbs out of the car, squeezing himself between the bumper and the car in front. When we reach my building I find myself hesitating.
I
’ve not invited anybody up before, unless you count Alex and Lara when they helped move my stuff. It’s strange, I realise, because I’ve never had my own place until now, never had the freedom to invite somebody in without checking. For the first time, I’m in charge. The thought doesn’t scare me as I thought it would.
I show
Niall the kitchen when we pass it. We climb the stairs to my room, squeezing in between the easy chair and the bed, until he’s standing in the middle of the carpet. I watch his face as he scans his surroundings, noting the furrow between his eyes, the way the corner of his lip pulls down.
“
So this is it. Chez moi. Small and bijou but all mine.” I sound like my mum, lapsing into franglais. It’s only when he stares at my poorly made bed that I realise where we are.
Niall Joseph is in my bedroom.
The last time we were in a bedroom together I was nineteen years old, heady with infatuation, dizzy that he’d noticed me. Now... I don’t know. I feel like a seasoned gambler at a high-stakes table. Calm on the surface, but underneath there’s so much going on. I’m not sure where to start.
“
Cup of tea?”
He shakes his head and sits down on the easy chair. A second later he fidgets and puts his hand under
the cushion, pulling out a hairbrush. I try not to laugh when he raises his eyebrows.
“
I still haven’t unpacked properly. Anyway, you can hardly talk; have you seen the inside of your car?”
He has the good grace to
laugh. “I wasn’t commenting on your storage options, it just surprised me when I felt the spikes on my arse.”
Of course my eyes automatically go
there
. They can’t help it. When I look up I notice he’s smirking, and there’s something about it that makes me overheat. “I apologise for your discomfort.” I don’t mean it, not a word. I hope he feels as uncomfortable as I do.
“
I’ve had worse.”
My phone vibrates then and I lift it up, seeing my mum
’s name flash up on the screen. Pressing a button to send it to voicemail, I find myself grimacing. Much to Niall’s amusement.
“
My mum,” I tell him, as if that explains everything. “I’ve only just told her about the split.”
He licks his lips slowly and inclines his head.
“You two don’t get on?”
“
I let her down.” There’s no need to say why. His eyes soften with understanding.
“
Alex told me what you went through at home. I’m sorry.”
I look up.
“Did you have it any easier?”
“
You’ve met my mam, right?” He smiles in a disturbingly sexy way. All crinkles and lifted cheeks. “When she found out about the drugs I thought she was going to kill me. But later on, she was pretty cool, listening to me talking about Digby, and about you.”
“
You talked about me?”
“
All the time. She probably got sick of it.”
“
I thought you’d forget about me.”
“
How could I forget you? I spent most of the time either painting you or thinking about you.”
“
But you never called.”
“
Nor did you.” He says it simply, guilelessly, but I still feel it sharply. There’s no answer, because he’s right. I was too caught up in my own misery to think about dealing with anything else. Why would it be any different for him?
He stares at my lips. I feel self-conscious
enough to pull my gaze from him and look away. “What did you do after that?”
“
I moved to California for a few years. My uncle lives over there and managed to get me enrolled in an art program. It was his personal mission to clean me up.”
“
Did he succeed?” This is the answer I need to know. If Niall is still using—even the tiniest amount—it will be a deal breaker. After the devastation I’ve witnessed, I couldn’t cope with that as well.
He sits stock
-still, his face masked in seriousness. “Are you asking me if I still take drugs?”
I take a deep breath.
“I am.”
He stands up and walks over to where I
’m perched on the end of my bed, dropping to his knees so his face is in line with mine. For a moment I forget to breathe as he takes my hand in his, raising it up to cup his jaw. “I haven’t taken anything for eight years, Beth. I had a few false starts, but I got there. Beer and the occasional cigarette are my worst habits now.”
There
’s an intensity to him that draws me in and I lean forward until we are only inches away. I inhale and notice his cologne and a faint trace of soap. Why does he always smell so good? There’s barely time to think about it before he’s clearing the final distance, and the next moment I feel his warm lips meet mine. Soft yet insistent.
He takes his time, moving slowly, tilting my head with his hands. I kiss him back, surrendering to his warmth,
and the need that’s pushing at my chest. I find myself wanting to laugh and cry all at once, but settle for looping my arms around his neck, pulling him closer still, sighing loudly when his tongue slides between my lips. Lights flash behind my closed eyes as he presses his body to mine. Hard enough to make me fall back on the mattress. I bounce until he steadies me with his hands. Hovering over me, he cages me in with his arms, staring right into my eyes.
“
Come here.” I put my hands on his shoulders and try to pull him closer. The muscles beneath his t-shirt flex, but he doesn’t move an inch.
“
Is this okay? Kissing you, I mean.”
I nod quickly. We might have talked abou
t waiting and being ready but lying underneath him I’m certain it’s right. “More than okay.”
He kisses me again. T
his time I wrap my legs around him, lifting my hips until I can feel him
there
. His moan vibrates through my lips and into my mouth, so I do it again, moving against him until we are both caught up in a fog of need.
I don
’t know how long it goes on for. At one point he pushes my sweater up to my neck, stroking my stomach with his fingers, then his lips, soft enough to drive me crazy. If I was nineteen I’d be shimmying out of my jeans and he’d be tearing my knickers off without thinking twice. Instead we stick to caresses, gentle touches and hard strokes. His muscled thigh pushes between mine and I clench around him, still kissing him hard and fast. I need more. I could climb inside his skin and even that wouldn’t be close enough.
When we pull apart we
’re both breathless, filling the room with loud sighs. Niall rolls off me and onto his back, flinging his arm over his head. My lips feel raw and bee stung. I trace them with my finger. Their tenderness surprises me.
He smiles when he catches my eye. It
’s tentative, almost embarrassed and I want to laugh out loud. It’s as if nine years have disappeared and we are Niall and Beth making out after lectures. Except this time there’s nothing chemical involved.
For that reason, it tastes so much sweeter.
“I guess that’s what they call heavy petting.” Niall grins harder and pulls me into his crook. I snuggle in, feeling warm and protected. “The Christian Brothers always warned us about that.”
“
Did they tell you about eternal damnation?” I ask, tracing his jaw with my finger.
“
Yeah, but they forgot to say it would all be worth it.”
I close my eyes and press my face into his chest, enjoying the warmth radiating through his
t-shirt. Part of me wants to ask him what this means, what this thing between us is, but I hold my tongue for fear of the answer. I’m too tired to talk anyway. The emotions of the day are weighing too heavily on my soul. So I let him hold me and trace his fingers along my spine, pressing his face into my hair, whispering words I cannot hear.
Just for tonight I let myself be.
* * *
He leaves just after midnight and I kiss him all the way to the door, clutching at his shirt when he comes back for one final embrace. Our lips curl
with laughter as we press them together. I don’t want him to go but he can’t stay. Not unless we’re both ready for the next stage, and I don’t think we are. Not yet. We knew it was time to stop making out when he spent more time adjusting himself than touching me, his face taking on a glaze of discomfort.
It didn
’t mean it was easy, though.
“
I’ll call you.” He kisses me again and I run my fingers through his hair, tugging at it.
“
First thing. Before you get up.”
“
All right, bossy girl.” Another brush of his lips. “I’ll be up with the dawn chorus.”
There
’s something so easy about our interaction. It’s gentle and light-hearted, a stark contrast to the heated passion of before. He leans forward for a final kiss before leaving, and I stand at the door, watching as he clambers down the stairs. When he turns a corner I run to the kitchen, spotting him as he heads toward his car. He’s just a shadow in the street light but I’d know that walk anywhere. The same almost-swagger I remember from when we were young.
I barely sleep all night. When I
’m not thinking about Niall I’m fretting about Allegra and praying she’s safe tonight. I left a message for Grace that I want to meet with her tomorrow, not knowing what else I can do. I can hardly call the police and tell them I’ve seen a suspicious leather jacket loitering around the house. They’d laugh me off the phone then arrest me for wasting their time. The only thing to do is wait until tomorrow and pray nothing happens in the meantime.
* * *
The next morning my phone rings at half past six and I talk to Niall. His voice is heavy with sleep; hearing it makes me feel giddy. He tells me about his day—meetings about shows and commissions—and he asks me not to go anywhere near the estate without him.
It isn
’t an ultimatum or a demand, just a heartfelt plea. I find myself agreeing.
I
’m at the clinic when Grace calls. She’s on a home visit but offers to drop into the clinic at two. As it’s a Friday there’s no class, and I agree readily, hopeful we can finally sort things out. With a few hours to kill and a quiet morning ahead, I clear out the art cupboard, a chore I normally avoid at the best of times. Today it’s cathartic. Throwing away dried-up bottles and brushes that have turned stiff as boards takes my mind off the bigger things.
I
’m still in there when I hear a small rap on the door, and I pop my head around to see Grace O’Dell.
“
Oh, hi.” I smooth back my hair, knowing I must look a state. “Is it that time already?”
“
I’m early. My last appointment cancelled. Do you have time now?”
There
’s something in her manner—a certain tenseness—that puts me on my guard. I feel my forehead crease into a frown. “Sure, do you want to talk here?”
“
As good a place as any.”
We sit down on the orange
plastic chairs. They’re covered with dried paint but Grace doesn’t appear to notice. In her job she’s seen much worse.
“
Do you want to start?” she asks.
For a moment I flash back to
all those years ago. Another room, but the same sort of feeling. As if I’m losing from the beginning. I don’t know why I get the impression that she’s judging me before I get to say a single word.
“
I think Darren Tebbit’s back.”
“
What makes you think that?” Her words are clipped, almost dismissive.
“
I saw his jacket in Daisy’s flat. When I asked her about it she got all defensive, as though she was trying to hide something.”
“
So you saw a jacket. Anything else?”
I realise how lame I must sound. Without Cameron
’s information I’m just a paranoid fool, but I can’t tell her that he’s been spying. “No, but I know he’s back.”