Common Sense Doesn't Become Me (22 page)

This time I did gag on the last bite of salad
that looked like a dandelion leaf. It probably was, and I saw a
whole slew of those things in the empty lot next door as I came in.
Since this is the healthy restaurant Meg insisted we meet at for
lunch, it was not the type of place I normally desired to eat at. I
took the day off from work to meet with my friends and take care of
one last minor detail to my latest, hopefully final, big blow-up of
a catastrophe. However, some days around here, nothing surprised
me.

Katelyn added her typical repertoire of
trying to soothe things over. She was the peacemaker in the group,
and she always tried to make us see the brighter side of others.
With my arch nemesis Carlene, there was no trying; there was just
plain hatred there. "I suppose since Carlene lost her job over at
the Booty-n-Busters she has to make a living somehow. I'll have to
admit; I caught wind last week but wanted to do a little
investigative work first. You know, make sure it's not another
tactical maneuver to outshine our Kia." She said it in such a
polite happy voice you just had to stare at her as she took a long
drink of her water with a pasted smile and then set her glass down
as the smile never left her face. It was killing her not to say
something mean about Carlene, she has never said a mean word about
anybody but there is a first time for everything.

Meg nudged her elbow to Katelyn and proudly
instructed Katelyn. "Spill it. I know you want to. First I've heard
of it, by the way, but I've been super busy. Since Katelyn here has
done the investigation on it, she owes it to us to tell all."

She nudged her one more time with her elbow
and Katelyn's smile disappeared, and a stress look grew across her
face. She blew out a puff of air through her lips and caused her
short loose blonde curls on her head to move. "Alright, she's a
bee-ouch. There I said it. Well, as close as I'm going to say it.
That woman has some nerve. She has twisted every little thing
anyone in this town has ever done into a fairy tale of lies and
alibis. Unfortunately, Kia, you are front and center of her blog
and twitter following. That woman has people from all over the US
following her. I don't get it; I just don't get it. Someone ought
to blog about her and that skanky online porn thing she's
doing."

Meg, Jodi and I all stared at her with super
big eyes and the biggest shocked look on our face. The last thing
she said was the first we heard of it. Carlene bashing me or
outshining me was not new, but the last part Katelyn just spilled,
well that was something we had not heard about nor did we really
want to know. Except now, we had some new ammunition for making fun
of Carlene. It made me feel better any ways.

Katelyn's frustration over the whole matter
was showing her discomfort as she squirmed in her seat. "I really
don't want to talk about it. It was my brother who texted me the
site and told me that Kia might enjoy the laugh. I don't know why
he does those kinds of things. He's a good-looking guy with such
potential, and then he goes and looks at sites like those."

In unison, Jodi, Meg and I said it with such
conviction. "He's a man!" There was so much truth to those three
little words. We three figured it out at an early age. Guys were
guys, and they were going to do stupid stuff that we women thought
were, well, either wrong, gross or just plain stupid. I for one was
willing to overlook all that as long as the man was cute, could
kiss well and could accept the fact that a life with me was a life
of bailing me out of a bunch of mishaps or misfortunes.

Katelyn looked at us funny and then started
to eat her salad. Jodi reached for my hand holding my fork in a
stabbing position and about to stab my salad as if it was Carlene.
"Look, it's to be expected with that woman. She did however, change
your name a bit on her blog and twitter thing, probably so your dad
won't sue her dad - boy those two go way back don't they. I think
those two hate each other as much as you two do. Any ways, the
locales know it's you and from what I can tell they are defending
you. People here love you. They know your heart is always in the
right place; it's usually your foot that's not."

That caused Meg to start laughing. "Oh my
God, that reminds me. Remember the time that Scooter thought he
should attempt third base with you. You kicked him so hard in the
nuts he had a bag of frozen peas stuck between his legs for weeks.
You couldn't get a guy in high school to date you let alone kiss
you for two years."

"Ha-ha. I forgot about that. Let's all shall
we." I finally stabbed my salad like it was Carlene and then raised
my hand to signal to my waitress. I ordered a beer. One for lunch
did not make me an alcoholic, just a person trying to cope.

"Make that a round." Meg instructed to the
waitress. "I think we all could use a drink."

I watched Meg grab a hair clip out of her
bag, twist her beautiful Latino brown hair up in a twist, and clip
it. "Change of subject. Ladies, that is the last time you will see
my long brown hair for a bit. Love For Locks is doing a benefit at
the Indigo Curl-n-Beauty Parlor. Getting it all cut off."

I envied her hair. My hair grew so slow and
was so much thinner than her gorgeous thick brown hair. She would
cut it and a few months later; it was back. We weren't shocked
about it; it wasn't the first time she had done this. The rest of
us would if we could. Katelyn's blonde hair had always had this
natural soft curl to it, and she could never grow it past her
shoulders before she went in for a cut. Jodi had her hair in a
short punk style, for as long as we could remember. Her jet-black
hair always had some strip of color in it. This month was bright
purple. My brown hair stayed in a simple brown shoulder length cut
that framed my face with a shag and was usually up in a clip or
ponytail. What could I say? I was a simple girl who did not think
playing up my features was an important thing. That being, because
I was so busy getting myself out of some type of conundrum or
another.

The waitress dropped off the four light beers
in a bottle and four cold frosted glasses. Not a one of us worried
about the glass. Katelyn wanted to, but Jodi was already holding
hers up for a toast. "To Kia. May her last disaster, be her last
and all her others be forgotten. May luck shine upon her face as
the wind blows all her bad luck away. May those that have been
misfortune to cross her path forgive you and those that are still
recovering, be steadfast and strong."

Our bottles clinked and the three cheered.
"Here. Here." I just guzzled the entire beer down in one long
drink. I slammed the empty beer bottle against the table and let
out a ferocious belch. Just then, one of the local deputies walked
by shaking his head in disgust on his way to the men's restroom. I
wasn't sure which, but I figured that was my clue to end lunch soon
and get as fast away from the law as possible. I had enough of them
in the last week and one man in particular, Sheriff Cleat, was
finally well enough for me to visit. It wasn't like I tried to blow
him up, but I guess that man had spent a lifetime of rescuing me
from catastrophes and the last one just almost did him in.

How was I to know that after Sheriff Cleat
pulled me up from the rock ledge I had slipped down while hiking by
myself, was also located next to an old coal mine? How was I to
know that the funny pipe sticking up out of the hillside was also
an old airway for miners? Furthermore, I had never smoked a
cigarette in my life, but I found a pack with a lighter while I sat
there contemplating how I almost died falling over that edge, and
if it wasn't for Sheriff Cleat being out on a call for minors -
children - tagging a historic rock with spray paint - I might have
died. Therefore, I did what any logical person might have done. I
grabbed that pack of cigarettes just calling my name, pulled a
cigarette out of the pack and lit up. It was then, that all my
gagging and coughing got Sheriff Cleat off his radio and rushing to
my side once more. It was also then, that I flicked the cigarette
away as fast as I could, because I didn't want to be smoking by the
sheriff. Not that it was illegal; I just did not want anyone to see
me do something I had never done before. It felt sinful to me at
the time. Once I assured the sheriff that I swallowed a bug, he
took the few steps back that landed him right above where that
funny pipe stuck out of the ground. Right where that lit cigarette
fell down that four-inch hole. Put two and two together, and add my
luck, and you can only imagine what happened next.

Yup, that's right. Old Sheriff Cleat needed
his own rescuing. The cigarette blew up the old coal; the hillside
fell out from beneath the sheriff's feet, and the kaboom could be
heard countywide. Lucky for the sheriff, a broken arm, broken ribs,
a few black and blue marks and some singed hair, and he was marked
for early retirement by the county. The terrible concussion that
left him unconscious for a few days was the tip of the iceberg.
When he came to, the county told him they needed a much younger
able person to handle the job, and the rest of the county staff
agreed. Old Sheriff Cleat saw his last rescue with me. He got a
very nice retirement package, and I got a case of the guilt that
still needed to be cleansed.

My next stop after lunch was the hospital
where I had a brand new fishing rod and reel, wrapped up in a
silver paper and a blue bow, along with a gift card from my
employer Sports Emporium, for a very friendly amount. Being an
inventory manager had its benefits, especially when a sportsman
like old Sheriff Cleat keeps coming to my rescue.

Katelyn's comment caught my whirlwind of
thinking back off guard. She grabbed a small bamboo basket with a
handle that was on the floor next to her and put it on the table.
"Since you're going by to see the sheriff at the hospital after
this, I thought I might just bake up a little something for you to
take to help with the apology."

This was so Katelyn. "Thanks Kate." I took a
peek inside and out wafted the smell of homemade cookies, chocolate
brownies, cinnamon rolls and some kind of chocolate-covered nuts.
All homemade, no doubt. Jodi tried to grab at something, and
Katelyn smacked her hand.

I knew I couldn't take another bite of salad,
and I also knew as soon as that basket sat in the front seat of my
yellow Mini Cooper on the drive to the hospital, chances were, my
self-control would lose out, and I would sneak a cookie - or
brownie. It would be a dastardly decision either way.

I finally put my napkin over my half-eaten
weed salad and declared my lunchtime over. "Ladies. I've got to
run. Thanks for meeting me for lunch. Thanks, I guess, for
informing me that my life is being twisted by my arch nemesis for
all to read about." I stood up from my chair, slung my purse over
my shoulder while tossing a twenty on the table to cover my fair
share and then some. I grabbed at the basket handle and blew a kiss
to my three best friends.

It didn't take long for them to come running
out to the parking lot when they heard the loud crash. It was only
me, running the back end of my car into a wayward shopping cart I
had not seen. In my defense, there was not any stores in the area
that had shopping carts. I waved at my three best friends with my
window down and drove forward with a remark to Jodi. "Mind getting
that mangled mess out of the parking lot; it's your turn to clean
up my mess."

She saluted me like a soldier salutes a
sergeant, and I pulled out of the parking lot, down the street and
at the first red light, I devoured a homemade chocolate brownie. I
was a weak woman at times like these.

Chapter Two

As I sat in the waiting chair outside the
hospital room, I watched the two deputies rip open my gift to Old
Sheriff Cleat like it was a bomb or suspect package. I rolled my
eyes as they inspected the rod and reel then a conversation at the
nurse's desk, opposite me, caught my undivided attention. It was as
if they were talking, and I was not sitting directly across from
them, or maybe they had no clue what Kia Catastrophe looked
like.

"I heard they brought in this guy, who was a
Special Forces agent, retired but young, from the military." Nurse
One

"I heard he was hot!" Nurse Two

The rest of the conversation jumped back and
forth between the two like this.

"I not only heard that, I saw a picture of
him on Carlene's blog about Ms. Catastrophe. She even posted
pictures of him without his shirt on."

"Seriously? How does she get all this info?
She must be one hell of a reporter to get all these pictures. I
heard she had pictures of the blow up site at the time that it
happened to Old Sheriff Cleat."

Doubt it. There was not a soul around for at
least half a mile. There were no cameras there, and I certainly did
not capture the event. There was no doubt in my mind, they were
fake. The fact that one of the few things that Carlene was good at
was photo-manipulation with pictures remained true.

"She's amazing in her details of the
stories." Not sure which nurse said that because I had my eyes
closed tight and my fingers pinching the bridge of my nose. I felt
a migraine coming on, and it goes by the name of Carlene.

Again, ladies, those are all made up
fictitious facts. So what if she was good at story telling. I was
the one with the degree, and I know for a fact that I was even
better at writing than Carlene. It was the only thing I excelled at
better than her in school, besides math, so it was the one thing I
decided to achieve a degree in.

"Did you know that Carlene also has an
autobiography on Ms. Catastrophe she is working on?"

"No. But did you know, that this new guy they
are bringing in is not only hot, he's single. This county doesn't
have enough cute single guys. They have retirees; they have married
or the few single are such slim pickings you might as well become a
lesbian since there are so many women fighting over them."