Both Rion and Vallant agreed that a decision like that would be out of the question, so they joined the other three as they headed for the back of the house. Jovvi knew that in a very short while the servants who were spying on them would grow suspicious about what was being said in private—if they weren’t suspicious already—but there was no help for it. The group had to talk about what had just happened, and that no matter how suspicious it made people.
They walked well out into the garden, making sure not to hurry, and finally Jovvi muttered, “So now we know how they expect to get away with having everyone at the competitions think they won and therefore show up for the reception: masks, because it’s also a masked ball. We’ll be lucky if we recognize each other.”
“But we won’t have any trouble recognizing each other,” Tamma pointed out. “We’ll all be wearing the same outfits in the same colors. They’ll know who
we
are, while we know nothing at all about
them
.”
“But those outfits were made because she had
confidence
in us,” Vallant said bitterly to everyone in general. “In a world of lies, that’s one of the biggest. It was the testin’ authority who had those things made, because they knew they would be usin’ us.”
“Wait a minute,” Lorand said, looking around at them. “If those outfits were ordered by the testing authority, then they had to have made the decision about them well before we earned our masteries. One of my mother’s friends once asked her help in putting sequins on her daughter’s dress, and it took the two of them days to get it done in spite of the fact that they’re both really good seamstresses.
No
one could have sequined up those outfits overnight, not even if they somehow found a way to use the power.”
Everyone exclaimed over that, obviously agreeing, which brought Jovvi another thought.
“That in turn has to mean we were chosen as a group only because we ‘qualified’ in those first exercises at just about the same time,” she pointed out. “The two people in our residence who didn’t qualify then were moved elsewhere, but not dropped from the program. I think that says quite a lot about whether or not they want the very best for the important competitions.”
“They probably would have taken Beldara and Eskin instead of me and Lorand if they could have gotten away with it,” Tamma put in, also sounding horribly disillusioned. “All this competition business is nothing but a farce, and they’ll end up giving all the positions to their nobles as usual. That means we’re more than wasting our time doing as they ask, so why don’t we show our contempt by picking up and leaving Gan Garee? Goodness knows
I
won’t miss this place.”
“Do you really think they’ll just allow us to leave?” Rion asked, his own bitterness a bright and blazing torch. “They need a certain number of challenging Blendings to make their show look good, and if we try to ruin their plans they’ll return the favor by ruining our lives. I haven’t been really living long enough to want that to happen.”
“Then why don’t we ruin their plans in another way?” Jovvi asked against the general ocean of dismay and disappointment and disturbance. “We’ve suspected for some time that they were using us, but now we can use them as well. If they teach us how to Blend and we work really hard, we might be able to best their noble Blending. Then
we’d
be the Seated Five, and there would be nothing they could do about it. What do you say? Are you all willing to try?”
There was a long moment of hesitation as they all considered her question, but nothing in the way of the full, instant agreement she’d been hoping for. The men had responded more positively to Tamma’s suggestion of walking away, even Rion, despite his protests. Jovvi shared their lack of enthusiasm more than they could know, but she was certain that trying to run away would be deadly for them. She waited nervously, and finally Vallant broke the silence.
“I’ve never been one to just stand by quietly when people are tryin’ to do me harm,” he stated, not really looking at anyone. “It burns me to have to take it now, so if there’s a way to strike back then I’m for usin’ it. We may not win, but they’ll surely know they were in a fight.”
“I’ll go along with Ro,” Lorand said slowly, also not looking at anyone in particular. “I never let anyone push me around back home, and I don’t see any reason to change that just because the bullies around here are bigger. Like Ro said: we may not win, but we
can
make them know they were in a fight.”
“I don’t like any part of this, but I
am
one of you,” Rion said, his tone more depressed than supportive. “For that reason I’ll agree to whatever the rest of you decide.”
Jovvi nodded to Rion with a smile of thanks, then she looked at Tamma. The beautiful, innocent-faced girl knew it was up to her now, and her previous anger had drained away.
“I wish you could do it without me, but you can’t,” she said, speaking mostly to Jovvi and showing a humorless smile. “I’d much rather turn and walk away, but I believe Rion when he says they’d never allow that. So I suppose that means I’m also in.”
“You won’t be sorry,” Jovvi assured her with a warm smile, then she looked at the men. “None of you will be, and you have my word on that. We
can
win this thing—if we want to badly enough.”
One or two of them nodded agreement, but all enthusiasm was conspicuous by its absence. Jovvi watched the group break up as most of them began to wander in different directions, and all she could do was hang onto her own inner balance. Realizing the truth of what the testing authority was trying to do to them had stolen all their previous feelings of pride and accomplishment. The master’s bracelets they all wore had become meaningless, of no more importance than the identification cards they’d begun with.
But Jovvi herself
refused
to feel that way. She’d worked too hard to drag herself out of the gutter to let a pack of smug, useless parasites knock her right back in. Those nobles had had things their own way for much too long; it was time someone taught them that inheriting a title was nothing at all like having to earn it. The idea of becoming one of the Seated Five had been tarnished, but the next Seated Blending, no matter who they turned out to be,
would
be able to say they’d fought for and won their place.
Now all Jovvi had to do was get the others to feel the way she did … especially the one somebody she couldn’t stop caring about even more than herself…
* * *
Vallant began to move through the garden alone, enjoying the outdoors the way he always did. But that was all he felt able to enjoy, despite the decision he’d just made. Or maybe because of it. Fighting to keep from being left by the wayside was a reflex reaction with him, but this time it left him depressed. As badly as everything else was going, he had very little hope that their fighting back would accomplish anything. Besides making things worse, that is.
Vallant looked nowhere but ahead of him as he wandered, but that didn’t keep him from being aware of the others. Or one of the others in particular. Once again Tamrissa was acting as though he were invisible, but he still hadn’t figured out the trick of doing the same with her. In point of fact he’d slept very little the night before, struggling with all his strength to banish Tamrissa from his thoughts.
But his strength hadn’t been enough, not against the awareness that that was the night he might have had her in his arms. If she’d had even the least interest in him … if there hadn’t been something about him that insisted on attracting the wrong sort of women. Why hadn’t he realized sooner that Tamrissa had fallen for his cute little joke because she’d wanted to be fair, not because she wanted
him
? In a definite way she was as bad for him as Mirra, but one small part of him refused to believe that.
And yet he had to learn to believe that, or he might as well drop out of the group right now. Maybe if he concentrated on winning… Surely the idea of winning to the most powerful position in the empire would be enough to distract him from thoughts of a girl who was wrong for him anyway? It should be able to … it had damned well better…
* * *
Lorand moved away from the others to let the beautiful garden calm his mind, but for some reason it wasn’t working. For some reason. It was embarrassing to think that even a small part of him would be that innocent, especially when the rest of him knew better. His agitation stemmed from what he’d committed himself to, a situation where his new ambivalence might well drive him insane. Half of him wanted to charge right out and challenge everyone trying for the Throne to individual combat, and the other half trembled in fear over what might happen if he ever did.
Running a hand through his hair also didn’t help, but Lorand did it anyway out of habit. And out of weariness, since he hadn’t slept much last night. After talking to Tamrissa over dinner, he’d very much wanted to run back to Jovvi and tell her joyfully that he seemed to be getting over his problem. He no longer lacked confidence when wielding the power, so she no longer had a reason to keep herself from him.
But Jovvi had been asleep again when they’d returned to the residence, so he’d gone to his own bedchamber to relax and do some thinking. No matter what lay ahead of them, he’d thought, Lorand Coll would no longer drag everyone down to his level of fear. He now had the confidence necessary for anything demanded of him, even if it threatened his very mind—
That was the point that Lorand had sat bolt upright. The end of that declaration of confidence had had a very familiar tinge of fear, one he’d thought he was done with. He’d worried about being too reckless now that his problem was gone, but suddenly he’d discovered that it wasn’t gone. It still hung around his neck like a millstone, and it helped not at all that now it was just half a millstone…
Lorand took a deep breath and let it out slowly, now grimly glad that he hadn’t spoken to Jovvi. Anything he told her would have been a lie, and she deserved better than a liar. A crippled liar, crippled because he hadn’t the courage to stand on his own two feet without trembling at shadows. He hadn’t refused to join the others, not when he had nothing else to do with his life, but he didn’t expect to be of much help to them. He’d end up fighting himself rather than the enemy, and if there had been anyone else to take his place he would have stepped aside without argument.
But there wasn’t anyone else, so he would stay. And ignore the pain of knowing he’d never be the man the woman he loved both wanted and needed…
* * *
It worried me for a moment that one of the others would come with me when I walked away from the group, but I needn’t have bothered. Apparently most of them were as disturbed as I felt, and seemed to want the same isolation. But not for the same reason,
that
I was sure of…
A thick bush caressed my skirt as I passed, but I barely noticed and didn’t even check to see if there was a catch in the material. I seemed to have finally learned that Gimmis was dead and didn’t have to be worried about any longer, but that didn’t mean I had nothing to worry about. That stupid ultimate competition, and those awful, mean-spirited people…
Disappointment hit me like a blow to the face a second time, only a shade less forcefully than the first. I’d actually thought I’d found a way out of the trap of being used, but I’d simply found other, more subtle people to do the using. I had no hope of winning a High practitioner position at all, and as for being a part of the winning Blending… Of course I would be.
An old, small, broken branch lay on the ground near one of the trees, and I bent to pick it up. It looked very lonely just lying there after having been severed from the tree, but obviously it didn’t know how lucky it was. The tree wasn’t trying everything in its power to get the branch back, and certainly wasn’t laughing at it for thinking it had escaped. The way my father kept laughing at
me
. No wonder he hadn’t taken my status as an entrant seriously. He must have known the truth all along.
But when it came down to it, he didn’t know the whole truth. He was still busily trying to sell me to Odrin Hallasser, when a member of the nobility had apparently “noticed” me. If that nameless noble was serious about claiming me for his own purposes, my father and his disgusting friend would find themselves out of luck. Considering what the noble wanted me for, I should have been terrified. But thinking about how angry my father and Dom Hallasser would be did a good job in chasing the terror away.
But not the depression. That had been hanging on since last night, even keeping me from sleeping very much. I’d been glad when Lorand hadn’t wanted to dawdle after we’d finished our dinner, and I’d gone straight to my apartment once we were home and hadn’t left it. That was supposed to be the night when Vallant Ro would come to lie with me, the night I’d been thinking about for what seemed like forever. I’d meant to tell him then that I’d decided to risk a relationship, even
with
all the hounds baying at my heels.
But Vallant Ro hadn’t shown up, and hadn’t even sent a note to say he wouldn’t be there. He’d grown so cold and distant, but common courtesy should have come into play—unless he’d reached the point of caring nothing about me. I’d waited hour after hour, hoping and then praying for a knock at the door, but there had been nothing. I’d known the truth then, and I actually couldn’t find it in me to blame him. By involving himself with me, he would have offended a large number of very wealthy and influential people…
I felt tears start in my eyes, but there was really nothing to cry about. When every hope you have comes crashing down in ruins, you find yourself well beyond tears. I’d agreed to Jovvi’s suggestion just to keep from needing to argue, not because I expected us to get anywhere. Being surrounded by ruin tends to take your belief away about building; I mean, if that’s the way everything ends up anyway, what’s the sense in bothering? There isn’t any sense in it, so why not just go through the motions?
And that’s what I was doing, going through the motions of living. It wouldn’t be long now before every thread of the woven life we’d been leading began to unravel, but I couldn’t make myself care. All I could do was hold a lonely little branch close to me, envying the peaceful death it had already found…