Complicated Love 2 (4 page)

I’m drained. I have classwork to catch up on tonight.
Thank God. I need the distraction
. I missed a few days while Keira was recovering. I don’t want to think about my wife right now. I’m living in the main house now. Keira is still in the pool house. All we’ve done is argue since the miscarriage. It’s been almost a month. I spend most of time working. She seems to be focused on school. Our conversations seem to spin out of control so fast. To avoid the headache we’ve just stopped talking. For a week and half I haven’t spoken to my wife.

Just the thought of Keira makes my heart pound. I know I was the one to walk out the door. I should have stayed but her doubts scare the crap out of me. Now she resents me and I don’t blame her. I acted just like all the other adults in her life. I walked out when she needed me the most. I deserve her silence and anger. I can’t blame her for not wanting to talk to me.

Being without her terrifies me. But the thought of her feeling trapped by me is just nauseating. I wonder if she felt like that while she was pregnant with Peanut. I wonder if that’s why…I have to stop thinking this way. This was a miscarriage. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my fault because I trapped her. It wasn’t some punishment from God. I replay all the things Gramps has pounded into my head over the last month. I know he’s been telling Keira the same thing. I just don’t know how to fix this. I screwed up and I don’t know what to do.

I miss my wife. I miss my baby. I know it’s crazy but I had my heart set on raising a son. My parents even called to check on us. They must be relieved. Keira’s not pregnant so any moment now they’ll mention a divorce. Try to bribe me with all the things I should want now that I don’t have the obligation of a baby “looming” over me. They still don’t understand why we got married. Yes, Keira was pregnant. But I love her. I think she loves me even though the last few weeks have been hell.

I want to march down to the pool house and demand she talk to me. Demand that she love me. But I can’t. Gramps said to give her time. He knows I’m impatient. My supervisor has given me a heavy workload. The few projects I have are all grunt work but my mind is busy all day.
No time to think about Keira.

It’s already seven o’clock. I need dinner. I wonder if Keira is eating dinner.  I want my wife back. I send her a text:

Me: Hi

No response.

Me: Do you need anything?

No response.

Me: Let me know if you need anything.

No response. I feel like a stalker.

Me:I’m worried about you. I’ll send Gramps. I don’t have to come down.

Did you really think she’d talk to you?
I think to myself. After I accused her of wanting our baby to die and walking out on her. Keira may never speak to me again. And I would deserve it.

Keira

I have a clean bill of health. The doctor says we can try for a baby whenever we are ready. I try not to cry but I can’t help it. I feel so alone. So betrayed. Lane thinks I wanted our baby to die. Truthfully, I wasn’t happy about being pregnant initially. I admit that.  But, I had accepted it. And then, I don’t know what happened. I just don’t know what I did wrong.I rested, ate well and followed the doctor’s orders about stress. I even took those awful vitamins.

I want to call my husband and tell him what the doctor said. But I can bare to hear his voice. I can’t stand the thought of talking to him and not seeing him. When Lane walked out on me something happened. Something inside me broke and now I can’t seem to get over it. Every time we talk the conversation seems to revolve around his walking out on me. I was stunned at first but then the hurt and anger set in and now I resent him. This wasn’t supposed to happen to us. We’re best friends. We love each other. How could this be happening?

Lane is working so Addie was nice enough to drive me to the doctor’s office. She knows something is going on between me and my husband. But, I don’t want to talk about Lane. I just want to go back to the pool house and sleep. I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Addie is kind enough to drive through Starbucks and get coffee. I’ve missed coffee. “So did the doctor say you were all healed?”

I nod.

“Where’s Lane?”

I shrug.

“Keira, what’s wrong?”

I don’t want to cry. To avoid the lump in my throat I stare out the window and ignore her question.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk me but you need to talk to someone.”

So much for not crying. I look at the window and swipe at my tears.

She drives me to the pool house. Sloan is sitting next to the pool, in a lounger, waiting for me. I don’t invite him in but he follows me anyway. I walk to the bedroom and he follows.

“Get out Sloan. “

“No.” He towers over me with a smirk on his face.

“ If Lane knew you were in our bedroom he’d kick your butt.”

Sloan snorts. “I’m not afraid of your scrawny husband.”

I frown.

“Yeah, I called him scrawny.”  He smirks again. Then he lifts me off the bed and carries me to the sofa. “How are you?”
My baby died.
I shrug. “Your
scrawny
husband sent me.” I frown at him and try to move off the sofa.He sits me back down. His expression serious, Sloan says, “He loves you. He’s scared he’s losing you.”

He shifts me into a better position on the sofa and lifts my chin. “Listen, he’s not perfect. His baby died. Died inside his wife who he adores. He misses you like crazy. Put him out of his misery and call him. He needs you.”

“ I don’t know.” My voice breaks.
Dammit. No more crying.

“Stop being stubborn Keira. Let your husband love you. Let him help you grieve for this baby. For Peanut.”

“You didn’t hear the things he said. And then he just walked out.”

“He didn’t mean them and you know that. He walked out because he is a dummy. He wasn’t thinking. He was hurting just like you. Give him a break. For the record. He knows he hurt you. If you want, I can give him a good bruising, yeah?” He laughs then gets serious.  “You guys were meant for each other. I gave you up so he could love you. It’s hard work being married. Always remember that no matter what happens just hold on to each other.”

I nod.

“You promise? I need to know you’ll be there for him no matter what.”

“I promise.” Then I give him a big bear hug ,”I love you Sloan. “

“I love you too.” He holds me tight for a while longer.

Sloan’s love is so infectious. He is always there for me and Lane. I hope Lane knows how great this dude is because I do. Maybe tonight I will respond to one of his text messages.

Sloan orders lunch and we watch Shrek and laugh like we used to. I needed his company. It’s five o’clock when he leaves. I feel better. Lane should be at the main house in a few hours. I may walk up there to talk to him. Or maybe, I’ll cook dinner and invite him. That’s a great idea. We can talk after dinner.

Lane

My need to get home. I have to post an assignment to my online class before midnight. It’s already five o’clock. I may have to work late tomorrow to finish this project .That way, I can turn in early today. My phone rings. Sloan’s calling. “How is she?”

“She’s sad. Her stupid husband hurt her feelings. I told her I’d come beat you up.”

I snort. “In your dreams big boy.”

He chuckles. “ Seriously, I think she’ll be okay. She loves you. Her heart is breaking. Dude, a baby died. A baby that was living inside of her. A baby she was supposed to protect. Then her stupid husband walked out on her. She’s hurt and sad. But we talked. I think she misses you.”

“You think so?” I don’t want to sound too excited.

“I know so. Go take care of your wife Lane. Take care of each other. I love you guys.”

He disconnects the call before I can tell him how much I appreciate his friendship.

I text him:
Thanks dude and keep ur hands off my wife….seriously.

Slone: No problem. Take care of each other.

I entered the house on a high note an hour later. I debated on when to go down to the pool house. I need a shower and to let Gramps know I’m going home.

The phone rings, it’s Rachel. I don’t answer. I haven’t talked to her in months. I don’t need her stirring up trouble now. Especially when my wife might let me come tonight. The phone buzzes, then another call and a text come through at the same time. I pick up and swipe my finger quickly over the phone to answer.

“Hello.”

“Lane?” Crap. It’s Rachel. She’s crying. I can’t take any drama. My marriage is drama enough right now. “Um,” She’s crying harder. “It’s…it’s Sloan. There was an accident and ….and” She sobs uncontrollably.

“What are you saying Rachel? This isn’t funny. Put Sloan on the phone.”

“He’s gone.” She’s crying harder.

“Gone. Gone where?”

“Lane. He’s gone. He’s dead …”

She may be speaking but I can’t hear her because she’s lying. She has to be. I hang up and call Sloan’s phone. This joke is not funny. It rings. Once.Twice.Three times.
“This is Sloan. Leave a message.”
The voicemail picks up.

I’ll call again. But the knock on the door the guest room stops me. It’s Gramps. He looks serious.
Oh no….oh no….God no.
He doesn’t have to say it. “Lane.”

I shake my head. “No!”

“Lane,” He opens his arms to fold me in. I push back but he’s too strong and holds on to me as my knees buckle.

“No….no…”the words are a whisper. I shake my head. It just can’t be. I sit on my bed. Sloan can’t be dead.He just can’t.

Part VI

Keira

I want to hold him. To make this better for him. But how can I? He’s right here. Right in front of me. But he feels so far away. This is too much for him. For me. I want to scream and shout! I want to rage! All the questions in my head are overwhelming me. Why? Why did this happen? Was it on purpose or was this an unfortunate accident? No one knows why Sloan had the gun.

Lane looks devastated. Broken. He’s been sitting in that spot all morning. I walk over to touch him. He doesn’t even know I’m here. His eyes are unfocused. Those Steele gray eyes have lost their shine. He seems older.

“How are you?”

I can see the emotion welling up in his eyes. He just shakes his head.

“Would you like something to eat?”

He shakes his head again.

I want him to talk to me. My heart is breaking too. I want my best friend to lean on. But instead of pushing, I just leave him alone. Gramps is watching us from across the room.Watching Lane at the funeral with his cold stoic expression, I had to check on him. 

Sloan’s parents are devastated. The doctor put his father on medication to help him get through the service. Lane and had to physically help him walk out the door. It was hard to watch a grown man weep so uncontrollably.  Sloan’s mother has been wonderfully strong. It’s kind of scary. She loved Sloan so much. Why isn’t she devastated? I guess people just grieve differently.

I can’t seem to walk out of the room. I can’t seem to leave him. Not like this. Gramps finally crosses the room.

“He’s been like that all afternoon.” He frowns. He’s worried. I can tell.

“I wanted to come by and make sure he’s okay. But…” The tears just won’t stop rolling. I’ve tried all day to control them. I shake my head and excuse myself to the restroom.

The tears consume me as I sit on the edge of the bathtub. I can hear Gramps knocking on the door. I’ve been in here too long. I’m making him worry when Lane needs him more. I wipe my face one last time. My eyes are puffy and my nose is red. I look like crap but I don’t care.

Gramps is staring at me.

“I’m okay. I promise.” I tell him.

“Are you sure? Have you eaten?” I haven’t had an appetite since I got the call from Lane three days ago.
Sloan’s dead.
The words haunt me like a nightmare. I hear them when I eat, when I sleep.

“I’m not very hungry.” I explain.

“Let’s try. You look thin.” Gramps leads me out the room to the kitchen.

I’m reluctant to leave Lane, “Is he gonna be okay?”

Gramps reluctantly nods. “In time, he’ll be fine.”

We both exit toward the kitchen.

Lane

She’s here. I can hear her in the bathroom crying. I should say something to comfort her. I can’t. I just don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I want to send him a text and tell him to get his ass over here. I need my friend.

She’s trying to comfort me and I want her comfort. I want her to stay. But I want her to go. I don’t want to melt down in front of her. I know it’s coming but I don’t know when.  I need to be strong for her. We lost our baby and now Sloan.

I miss my wife. I want her to wrap me up in her arms and make love to me until I’m so exhausted I can’t think. I want this awful pain in my soul to go away. Make it go away. Please, God, just make it go away.