For him days and nights, the passage of time itself, the fall and lift of darkness, were like a great river that was carrying him along: sometimes drifting into the shallows, sometimes flung into the fast-moving centre, sometimes wallowing luxuriously in the slow currents, but never striking out with purpose. He would sleep two hours, or seven, or fifteen; eat once or five times in what served as his day; drink wine at eleven in the morning and eat cereal at midnight; make no plans and then triple-book people.
That night, after his weeping fit, he ate my sea bass (burned) and rice (gluey with overcooking) as if he was saving himself from starvation, washing it down with cold tea and tepid wine. Then he said, ‘Let’s go for a walk.’
‘It’s nearly two in the morning. I’m dog tired.’
‘I need to expend some energy. And it’s still warm, warm as day. Look, the moon’s nearly full.’
‘Where?’
‘I dunno, wherever our feet take us. Come on.’
‘I need to change into something more sensible.’
‘No – just put your shoes on.’
‘I need to get my stuff.’
‘Leave it here.’
We walked down through Camden, past Regent’s Park and into Bloomsbury. There were still a few cars on the roads, and a straggle of pedestrians on their way somewhere – London is never quite empty, never quite silent or dark – but as we walked over Waterloo Bridge it felt as though we were the only people awake in the whole vast and glittering city. The moon shone on the river and we could hear the small waves smacking against the shore. The clock on Big Ben showed four. Hayden walked fast, not talking. He looked young and purposeful, striding out as if he was heading towards a particular goal. His face in the moon-and lamplight was smooth, quite peaceful. We turned off the bridge and walked eastwards, along the Embankment, under the shadow of empty, monumental buildings. Now there was a faint band of light on the horizon and birds were singing in the trees. He turned and suddenly smiled at me, held out his hand for me to take, and I was filled with a surge of happiness so strong it made my chest ache.
Still we didn’t talk. We went back across the river at Blackfriars but with one accord stopped in the middle to look out at the City.
‘I think I’m going away quite soon,’ Hayden said.
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah – time to head off.’
‘Where?’
I didn’t look at him, but down at the water beneath. Beside me, I felt him giving a shrug.
‘Somewhere else,’ was all he said. ‘Something’s come up. Anyway, maybe I need a change.’
‘What about the wedding?’ I forced my voice to remain absolutely neutral.
‘Wedding?’
‘That we’re rehearsing for.’
‘I’ll probably stay around for that.’
‘I see.’
‘What do you see, Bonnie?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
He took my chin in his hand and forced me to look at him. ‘Nothing lasts for ever.’
‘No.’
‘Come on.’
And we set off again, no longer holding hands, and the light came up and the shutters rose on newsagents and the traffic thickened. We stopped in a working-men’s café in Farringdon, and Hayden ate fried eggs on toast and I drank coffee. Before we reached my flat, he left me. He said he had things to see to.
After
‘You’re being ridiculous,’ I said. ‘It’s not possible.’
‘It has to be.’
‘Sonia?’ I stared at him. ‘I don’t believe it.’
‘She could only have remembered the vase if she’d been there earlier in the evening.’
‘Maybe she saw it before.’
‘Had she ever been to the flat before?’
‘No.’ I remembered she had claimed she didn’t know where the flat was. I’d met her on Kentish Town Road and shown her the way.
‘There you are, then.’
‘The fact that she was there earlier doesn’t mean she killed him.’
‘Why has she lied?’
‘Why did you lie? Why did I?’
My brain was working slowly and ponderously. I could feel facts clicking heavily into place; interpretations rearranging themselves. I had called Sonia to come and help me get rid of the evidence of Neal’s crime – but it was her crime. She had come and helped me get rid of her own evidence. Or I had helped her. Together, we had cleared away every clue she had left behind. I stared wildly at Neal. ‘It can’t be true,’ I said. ‘It can’t be.’
‘Let’s go and find out.’ He stood up, decisive and full of new authority.
‘Now?’ I said stupidly. ‘It’s still the middle of the night.’
‘Yes, now. What – you want to wait until morning?’
‘No – but she’ll be with Amos. She said she was going there.’
‘So?’
‘Well, what about Amos? We can’t just – well –’ I stopped and put my head into my hands. I felt as though my brain was hissing.
‘Ring her mobile. Tell her we have to see her.’
‘She’ll think we’re mad.’
‘Unless I’m right. You’ll see.’
I picked up my mobile and scrolled down to Sonia’s number. ‘What shall I say?’
‘Tell her we know what happened and we have to see her at once.’
I pressed the dial button and waited. The phone rang and rang. I pictured Sonia curled up next to Amos.
When she answered, her voice was thick with sleep.
‘It’s Bonnie.’
‘What is it?’ Now she would be struggling into a sitting position, turning away from Amos so as not to wake him.
‘I have to see you.’
‘Wait a minute.’ Now she would be outside the bedroom, closing the door. ‘It’s the middle of the night.’
‘It’s four o’clock. I’m with Neal and we need to see you at once.’
‘Why?’ Did the tone of her voice shift?
‘We know what happened.’
‘You want me to come and see you?’ Sonia still sounded quite calm. ‘The Underground isn’t running.’
‘We’ll drive to you.’ I looked at Neal and he nodded his approval. ‘Neal’s car is here. We’ll be waiting outside Amos’s flat. Ten minutes.’
‘All right. Ten minutes.’
Neal drove and I gave directions, then looked out of the window. It was foggy, although later the sun would burn it away. I thought about Sonia, her competent, practical kindness. I closed my eyes and for a moment let myself feel how very tired I was. Yet I was full of a restless, churning energy that made it difficult to sit still.
And then there she was, standing on the pavement in a belted mac, her hair tied back.
Neal pulled up. She opened the back door and climbed into the car. For a few seconds no one spoke.
‘Well?’ Sonia said at last.
‘Let’s drive to the canal,’ I said. ‘It seems a bit odd to be sitting outside Amos’s flat to talk.’
Sonia sat back and folded her hands on her lap. I told Neal where to go in a voice that sounded absurdly formal. The three of us were like awkward acquaintances. It was impossible to say anything at all except the huge unsayable thing that was squashing the air out of the space.
The car stopped. Neal turned off the headlights and the ignition. He coughed loudly and then I coughed as well.
‘Spit it out,’ said Sonia.
I twisted round to face her, made myself look at her full on. ‘Neal found the vase.’
‘Vase?’
‘The vase you remembered was there, except it wasn’t. With breasts.’
‘Breasts?’
‘Yes. You remembered it but it wasn’t there.’
‘You got me out of bed for that?’
‘The point is that you remembered there was a vase and I didn’t remember and then later Neal realized it wasn’t possible…’
I glanced at Neal. I was making a mess of this.
‘You were there before,’ Neal cut in. ‘That’s what Bonnie’s trying to say. We know you were. You saw the vase lying on the floor, but later I took it away with me. You were there before Bonnie and before me.’
‘But you pretended to be surprised,’ I said. ‘You pretended you’d never been there.’
She looked calm, far calmer than me or Neal. ‘What do you want me to say?’ she said.
‘You lied,’ I said. ‘You were there. You knew everything and then – then you let me believe you were shocked but trying to help me.’
‘That’s not what’s important,’ said Neal. ‘The only thing that matters is that you killed Hayden.’
Sonia closed her eyes. She seemed to be thinking. When she opened them again she looked first at him and then, for a longer moment, at me. She nodded. ‘Yes, I did.’
‘
And?
’ I said. ‘You can’t just say that. Why did you do it?’
‘I should have said this earlier.’ Her voice was quiet but still steady. She spoke slowly, as if she was considering each word, making sure it was correct. ‘I knew you and Hayden were together. It wasn’t a very secret secret. And I knew he’d hit you.’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’
‘I never really liked him in the first place. On the Friday at the rehearsal, when you had that bruise on your neck and seemed so subdued and unlike yourself, I asked myself what I should do about it. As your close friend. As someone who cared about you, loved you, and hated to see you putting up with treatment you should have reported to the police. In my opinion, he was abusing you.’
‘It wasn’t like that.’
‘It never is. So, immediately after the rehearsal, I went round to see him, to tell him I wouldn’t stand by and see him hurting you. Do you really want to hear this?’
‘I think we’d better,’ said Neal.
‘All right. I got to the flat and he let me in. He was a bit drunk, although it was still early. About six, I think. He didn’t seem surprised to see me, and he didn’t really seem to listen to what I said.’ She paused and swallowed. ‘He kept smiling at me, as if he was taunting me. It was horrible and it also made me feel scared of him. Then he grabbed hold of me. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I thought he might attack me or even try and kiss me or something. I struggled, tried to get away. Things got knocked over, smashed. I could hear this horrible noise around me of things breaking and me shouting – and suddenly everything was out of control and I was very frightened. I reached out and tried to grab something, anything. I found I had the vase in my hand and I swung it at him and it hit him on the head and he staggered and fell over and he must have hit his temple on the corner of the table because he was lying on the floor and not moving. He was dead. I’d killed him.’
‘And then I rang you.’
‘I’d just got home when you called and asked for my help.’
‘That was a bit of a problem for you,’ said Neal. He was tapping his fingers against the steering-wheel and frowning.
‘It was like a sick joke,’ said Sonia.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘That it was me who’d killed Hayden?’
‘Yes. Why did you go through that whole awful pretence?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I’d done it for you. Maybe I was letting you help me in return.’
I opened my window and let the cool damp air in. ‘So Neal thought I’d done it and cleared away evidence. I thought Neal had done it and called you to get rid of the evidence. I thought you thought I’d done it and were doing me a huge, unimaginable favour. And all the time you were the one who’d done it and…’ But I couldn’t continue. My body felt as though it was coming apart. My head rang and my eyes stung and I found that little snorts were coming out of my nostrils.
‘Let’s get out,’ said Sonia. ‘Get some fresh air.’
The three of us walked down to the side of the canal. For several minutes none of us spoke.
‘What are you going to do now?’ asked Sonia, finally.
‘You mean, about knowing you killed Hayden?’
‘Yes.’
‘What should I do? Go to the police?’
‘When you thought it was Neal…’
‘When I thought Neal had done it for me, I cleaned up after him. Now we know it was you, we’ve already done the cleaning up. There’s nothing left to do, is there?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘You should have said.’
‘Would it have made it easier?’
‘What were you thinking, all this time? What did you think when I called you to help me get rid of the body?’
‘I was surprised.’
‘Surprised?’
‘I’m not very good with words,’ said Sonia. Her voice trembled and I realized that, for all her calm, she was deeply shaken. ‘What do you want me to say? I was completely shocked, stunned. I don’t know. Like an abyss opening up at my feet.’
‘Why did you not say anything when you realized what Bonnie and I had both been assuming?’ asked Neal. ‘When you understood what had been going on?’
‘I don’t know. It was too late.’
‘But you must have thought –’
‘
I don’t know!
’ shouted Sonia. ‘Don’t you understand? I don’t know. I can’t say anything else. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I did it for you and I don’t know why I didn’t say.’
‘Look at us,’ I said. ‘Three fools.’ I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. ‘And three friends,’ I added. ‘What we’ve all been through for each other.’
‘We did it for you,’ said Neal.
Suddenly I felt cold and sober and very weary. ‘We’d better hope that the police go on following their red herrings and never find out what happened.’
‘And don’t arrest the wrong person,’ added Neal.
‘If they do that, we’re going to tell them, do you hear?’ I thought of Sally and Richard and clenched my fists at my powerlessness. ‘No one else is going to suffer for this. That’s a pledge we all have to make. Can I ask you something, Sonia?’
‘Of course.’
‘Did he die at once?’
She hesitated. ‘I think so.’
‘Doesn’t it haunt you?’
She stared at me. I knew she’d been trying to help me and I knew it had been a mistake, but for a moment, I felt hot with hatred for her. She had killed Hayden. She had been with him when he died. My beautiful Hayden, my love. ‘What do you think, Bonnie?’ she replied at last.
‘All right.’
‘We’d better get home,’ said Neal.
‘Does Amos know?’