Read Conflicting Hearts Online
Authors: J. D. Burrows
They Do Exist
I’m back at work Monday morning and feeling wonderful. My
appointment with Dr. Grayson is after work, and I’m anxious to tell her about
the weekend. You wouldn’t think that having an orgasm, without the thought of
bondage and pain, would be front page news, but for me it was a milestone.
I know that I can’t quit now, and I don’t intend to either.
Ian means the world to me, and I want to totally recover. There are still
lingering fears and doubts, but with help, I’m hoping to slay the remainder of
the demons behind that closed door.
After I arrive at her office, I relay to Dr. Grayson the
entire story of seeing Ian, my weekend meeting his family, and Susan’s
uninvited arrival. She sits there with her mouth open, listening to my tale.
When I get to the orgasm part, she looks surprised and pleased.
“Why do you think that happened, Rachel?”
It doesn’t take me long to figure it out. “Because I opened
my heart to him. I believed what he told me, that he loved me, and I didn’t
doubt it.” I paused for a moment. “I trusted.”
“Do you have any fears that it won’t last?”
“Some,” I admit, fiddling with the corner of the pillow on
the divan. “But, I trust Ian. He’s a different kind of man, and I know he’ll treat
me respectfully no matter what happens in the future.”
“So you met his family? How did that go?”
“Ian didn’t tell me that it was coming, so I didn’t have
much of a chance to balk over the idea.” I shake my head, thinking of his
sneaky trick. “They were exceptionally nice. Oh, and you won’t believe this.”
“What?”
“His brother is a shrink—I mean a psychiatrist.”
“Really, well, I’ll be damned,” she spouts an unprofessional
utterance. “How did that go over?”
“We had a really good conversation. I hope you don’t mind,
but Ian had told him about my background, and of course, he had concerns. It
was crucial for me to let him know about my progression in therapy.”
“Did he give you any advice you found worthy?”
“Well, he confirmed a lot of what we’ve talked about here.
He gave a good analogy about wiping the hard drive of my brain clean and
reinstalling new software.”
“That’s one way of putting it,” Dr. Grayson smirks.
“Yeah.”
“And he was right about one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“That I, in time, would respond to love and not abuse. I
think that’s what happened when Ian told me how he felt.”
“So, tell me, Rachel, what are you plans now?”
“To stay in this office as long as I need to, frankly. Is
that okay with you?”
“Of course, it is. There are still some areas we need to
work through.”
“I know.”
“Why don’t you make a note of those this week, and come back
with a list of the challenges you think remain in your life. We’ll tackle those
in the months ahead.”
“Okay.”
“I’m assuming that you’re going to continue seeing Ian?”
“Yes, of course.”
She jots a few more notes. We talk a little more, and then
I’m out the door and back to life. For the first time in years, I actually feel
deep joy in my heart.
* * * *
The months pass. Work is work. Ian is tied to his law firm
desk. I’m still making my appointments with Dr. Grayson. We spend the weekends
together at his beach house.
Ian and I let our relationship grow as it should. My
propensity for bondage and torture in bed is nearly non-existent now, as I
allow him to love me and receive his love in return. However, I’ve noticed that
Ian has loosened up a bit in the sack, too, which makes me happy. He’s learning
new tricks that he finds pleasure in.
The only place he never forces me to go is oral sex. I’ve
been entirely honest with him that I can’t handle it, and I don’t know if I
ever will. The male penis, as much pleasure as it gives when inserted into my
body, makes me gag at the thought of it in my mouth. It’s still hard for me to
look at one with any desire—it’s only the touch and feel it brings to me
inwardly that I like.
I’ve talked extensively to Dr. Grayson about my aversion,
and she thinks it’s because my abuser forced it upon me as a child. My innocent
eyes saw a part of a man’s body that I was not mature enough to handle. Though
I don’t remember him bringing it to my mouth, the revulsion remains in my
subconscious. Each time I saw him brandish his erection, it deeply affected the
way I relate to the male appendage, even today.
Ian, however, understands totally. He’s not that crazed
about oral sex either, which confirms to me that we’re a pretty good match. He
doesn’t feel slighted because I don’t suck on him, and I don’t feel bad he’s
not doing me either. I’m learning to please him in other ways, as he teaches me
some of his pleasure points that I can handle and the fun new positions we’re
trying.
Jack and Karen have moved to Portland and purchased a house
in the swanky neighborhood of Lake Oswego. We helped them get settled into
their new lives. Karen has become a close friend. We talk often on the phone
and have an occasional lunch out. She is the first woman I’ve ever met that I
don’t feel threatened by, and I know that’s part of my healing.
Three months after Jack and Karen move, Ian’s parents fly up
from San Francisco to see the boys. To celebrate, we all have dinner at the
Portland City Grill downtown. It’s my first time there, and the view is
spectacular from the thirtieth floor in the US Bancorp Tower.
As we ascend in the elevator, Ian has his arm around my
waist. He looks handsome, as usual, dressed in a dark suit. I’m in the tight
black dress that he likes, wearing a real gold necklace and earrings, which he
gave to me as a gift a month earlier.
We step off the elevator, and I sense that he’s nervous
about the evening ahead. His hand around my waist is cold like ice, which is
unusual. I wonder why the anxiety on his part.
When we arrive, I find out that we’re eating in a small,
private dining room. As soon as we walk in, Jack, Karen, Bill, and Grace all
brandish a welcoming smile over our arrival.
“Rachel, it’s so good to see you.” Grace comes over and
gives me a hug. Ian shakes his dad’s hand. Everybody is grinning from ear to
ear. I’m beginning to wonder if Jack and Karen are going to announce she’s
pregnant tonight, which would be nice, because I know they’ve been trying for
some time. I’m surprised we’re cloistered away like one big happy family behind
closed doors. I don’t get it, but on the other hand, I like the privacy.
As I sit at the table and sip my few allotted dribbles of
white wine, I’m overwhelmed. I feel so much a part of everyone here now that I
cannot imagine being anywhere else.
Ian keeps grabbing my hand under the table. Occasionally, he
gives me a knee squeeze, and I glare at him to stop it. He flashes a teasing
grin. It’s not the place to get me riled up thinking of sex. Jack will probably
see it all over my face, and I’ll blush red.
After dinner, we’re all filled and relaxed. Suddenly,
everyone quits talking, and all eyes shift to Ian. The moment is awkward, and I
don’t get what’s going on, until he rises to his feet. When I look up at him,
he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a black velvet case. A second later,
he’s on one knee in front of me. All eyes are upon us, because apparently they
know exactly what shenanigans he’s up to. I gasp anticipating what is about to
transpire.
“Ian, what are you doing?” I whisper, glowering at him with
wide eyes.
“What do you think, Rachel?”
“I asked you first.”
He looks at me with a sweet face and sexy smile. “Rachel Ann
Hayward, would you marry me?”
My heart stops beating for a brief moment. I bring my hands
to my mouth. Tears sting my eyes. Kind and handsome Ian Richards wants to marry
me
. Not once have we talked about marriage the entire time we have been
together, and now he’s on his knee asking me to spend the remainder of my life
with him. I stare at him dumbfounded.
“You better not say no,” he says, breaking the silence.
“Because my family is watching.”
Everyone laughs aloud as they wait for me to answer. How can
I turn down my Prince Charming? I’m living my dream.
Do it, Rachel, this is
your chance for happiness
, I hear my inner child encourage me with a joyful
voice. I know it is, too, and I’m not going to let anyone steal happiness from
me again.
“Yes, Ian Alexander Richards, I’ll marry you.”
He takes out the most beautiful ring and slips it on my
finger. I’m dazzled over the sparkling diamond. The little girl inside of me
smiles, and at that moment, I see her grow into a confident woman. My
tormentors behind the dark door have left, because they have lost their bid for
my soul.
Ian stands up and brings me to my feet with his cold,
nervous hands.
“Come on, kiss her,” Jack encourages him loudly.
Gently, he places his palms on the sides of my face. As I
gaze into his beautiful blue eyes, I am lost in the love and adoration that he
shows me. His mouth comes down over mine, and his sweetness fills my soul. When
he pulls away, a tear rolls down my cheek.
“I love you, Ian.”
“I love you too, sweets.”
Now I know that men really do love, because the evidence is
holding me in his arms. All of a sudden, I believe in fairy godmothers, angels,
and heaven above. It feels glorious to be loved and to love someone I can trust.
My worth has returned, and my redemption is complete.
The last box is finally unpacked. I can’t believe the move
is over. As I survey the work that’s still ahead to get everything in order, I
feel a bit overwhelmed. Nevertheless, I can’t complain. How could I complain
when I’m living my dream life?
After pouring myself a much-needed cup of coffee, I walk
over to the French doors that lead out to the back deck. The view is
breathtaking, but part of me misses the old. Though we’re only another mile
south of where Ian’s former house in Cannon Beach stood, it still contains so
many memories. Yet, as I look around at our new home, with the much-needed
extra space, I know that we have a lifetime to build memories together here.
Whiskers wraps himself around my legs a few times, then goes
over and lays in the sun. He’s a happy cat. I sip my coffee and then shade my
eyes with my left hand. The afternoon sun is lowering to the water, and my
husband is off in the distance playing with our toddler, now entering her
terrible twos. She’s in no way terrible and looks a lot like me when I was her
age.
Ian and I married three years ago in a beautiful wedding. My
brother gave me away. After a long, hard road to forgiveness, we mended our relationship.
I knew if I were to heal totally, I had to pardon whatever wrongs I harbored
against him.
To my surprise, Bob swears he never knew what happened to me
in that upstairs bedroom. At first, I didn’t believe him; but when I see the
clueless look in his eyes, I know it to be true. He had always been sort of a
naïve dork, and he was only eleven or twelve. Of course, it wasn’t his fault,
either, that I kept returning for another candy bar until the abuse finally
ended.
As far as Bob’s inability to keep in touch, that was a
characteristic he never possessed. I accepted the way he was and released him
to be the man he had become. The gap between us had been mended at the wedding,
but I knew in my heart he’d probably drift away again in the future, and he
did.
Jack and Karen had their first child, a boy, a year after we
wed. Then Ian, surprised me one day by announcing he had been hired by a small
firm in Seaside, Oregon, about twelve miles north of our new home. I was
thrilled to think living on the coast would be my fulltime job, as well as
being a mother to a darling little girl.
As I continue to watch Ian and Rebecca play together, I’m
thankful that she is still an innocent child. Each day I pray to God that she
remains innocent and untouched until she is a young woman and meets the right
man who will give her love. I never want my tender baby to endure what I
endured. Ian is diligent, as well, to see that she grows up unscathed. He is a
wonderful, loving, and gentle father.
Ian picks up Rebecca in his arms and walks back toward our
home. The sun is setting, and it’s getting chilly outdoors. As he arrives at
the deck and climbs the few steps, my heart warms at the sight of him. I love
him more than I can express in words and am so thankful that he gave me the
unconditional love and patience that I needed to heal from my past.
“Hey sweets,” he says, coming up and giving me a peck on the
cheek. His endearing term remains.
Rebecca reaches out her arms to me, and I take her from Ian.
Her brown hair is blowing in her eyes, so I carefully brush it away until her
beautiful face is no longer hidden.
“You know what, Rebecca?” I give her a kiss on the cheek.
“Fairy godmothers, angels, and heaven do exist. Don’t ever doubt it.”
Ian smiles, knowing exactly what I mean. I look at him
lovingly, thankful to God for the gracious gift that came into my life.
The End
Available Now!
Short Story Prequel to Conflicting Hearts
“Fated Occurrence”
There are two sides to
every story.
When Ian Richards dresses for work, he accidentally drops a
picture of his ex-wife on the floor. He finally decides after three years that
it’s time to throw away the photo and bury the past. He rips it to shreds and
shoves it into a garbage bag, hoping the symbolic act will finally do the trick.
After visiting the rubbish bin, he climbs in his car and
heads for work. Little does he know that he’s about to collide with another
woman. His fated event will present even a greater challenge in his search for
love than the one he just left behind.
“Fated Occurrence” is a short story prequel to “Conflicting
Hearts,” an adult contemporary romance.
This is not a full-length novella or novel.