Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (6 page)

Life is full of confrontations—from birth to death. Parents confront the misbehavior of their children, couples confront the problematic behavior of their spouses, peers confront the unacceptable behavior of friends, employers confront the unsatisfactory behavior of employees, law enforcement officers confront the illegal behavior of citizens, and God confronts the sinful behavior of everyone.

Confrontation is inevitable and impossible to escape. Therefore, the question is not, “
Will
confrontation occur?” but “
How
will it occur?” How will
you
choose to confront troublesome behavior in your own life, and how will you confront it in the lives of others? Will you let emotion—fear, anger, frustration—dictate your actions? Or will you let God rule over your emotions and allow Him to direct your actions? If the Spirit of God indwells you, then you have everything you need to confront assertively. As you study and learn His ways of confronting, He will enable you to put His ways into practice.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

• Step One:
  Confront Alone. (v. 15)
  

  “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
  

  • To preserve the dignity of the other person
    
  • To show your personal concern for the other person
    
  • To give occasion for clarifying motives
    
  • To offer opportunity for repentance
    
  • To provide the possibility of complete reconciliation
    
• Step Two:
  Confront with Witnesses. (v. 16)
  

  “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’”
  

  • To show the seriousness of the offense
    
  • To express that other people have concern
    
  • To confirm and clarify the accusation
    
  • To offer a second opportunity for repentance
    
  • To provide accountability and hope for change
    
• Step Three:
  Confront before the Church Body. (v. 17)
  

  “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
  

  • To reveal the severity of the offense
    
  • To demonstrate proper confrontation to the entire church body
    
  • To provide yet another opportunity for repentance
    
  • To offer restoration of the person to the entire church body
    
  • To discipline the unrepentant person for the sake of Christian unity
    

Confront your sin and accept God’s mercy.

You will never be ready and fully able to confront someone else until you’ve taken a confronting look at yourself from the inside out. You, like everyone else, were created to have a personal relationship with God, but sin has caused that relationship to be broken. There is only one way to a restored relationship with God—through His Son, Jesus. In order to be in right standing with God, you must confront the fact that you have sinned and you need God’s mercy, His free gift that He is graciously offering to you through Jesus.

The first step toward having a good relationship with God is understanding four important points from God’s Word.

#1 God’s Purpose for You is
Salvation.

What was God’s motive in sending Christ to earth?

To condemn you? No, to express His love for you by saving you!

“God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
(John 3:16–17)

What was Jesus’ purpose in coming to earth?

To make everything perfect and to remove all sin? No, to forgive your sins, empower you to have victory over sin, and enable you to live a fulfilled life!

“I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
(John 10:10)

#2 Your Problem is
Sin.

What exactly is sin?

Sin is living
independently
of God’s standard—knowing what is right, but choosing wrong.

“Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”
(James 4:17)

What is the major consequence of sin?

Spiritual death, spiritual separation from God.

“The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
(Romans 6:23)

#3 God’s Provision for You is the
Savior.

Can anything remove the penalty for sin?

Yes. Jesus died on the cross to personally pay the penalty for your sins.

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
(Romans 5:8)

What is the solution to being separated from God?

Belief in Jesus Christ as the only way to God the Father.

“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”
(John 14:6)

#4 Your Part is
Surrender.

Place your faith in (rely on) Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior and reject your “good works” as a means of gaining God’s approval.

“It is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”
(Ephesians 2:8–9)

Give Christ control of your life, entrusting yourself to Him.

“Jesus said to his disciples, ‘If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?’”
(Matthew 16:24–26)

The moment you choose to believe in Him—entrusting your life to Christ—He gives you His Spirit to live inside you. Then the Spirit of Christ gives you His wisdom to make the right confrontations, and He enables you to live the fulfilled life God has planned for you. If you want to be fully forgiven by God and become the person God created you to be, you can tell Him in a simple, heartfelt prayer like this:

If you sincerely prayed this prayer, you can know, as James did, that God will always give you His wisdom in every difficult situation you face!

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)

Self–evaluation Checklist
13

 
Is your heart right?
14

• Look at the conflict from the offender’s perspective. Listen in order to gain insight into thoughts, feelings, and concerns.
  
• Acknowledge that you are fallible. A good principle is: “When you are wrong, admit it. When you are right, don’t say anything.”
  15
  
• Take responsibility for your emotional reactions. You cannot blame someone else for your own emotional outbursts.
  
• Be humble. Is there something God is trying to teach you in this circumstance beyond the immediate conflict?
  

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23–24)

 
Is your tongue under control?
You may not realize that you have been offended until you are tempted to hurt someone with words. If you find yourself being sarcastic, giving subtle hints or jabs, talking behind someone’s back, tearing down someone’s reputation, lying, grumbling, or complaining, you are not in a position to confront in a loving way.
16

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”
(Luke 6:45)

 
Are you willing to ask forgiveness of your offender?
When you ask forgiveness for your own failures, often others are able to see and feel convicted of their own failure and will respond with, “Yes, and would you also forgive me?”
17

“Confess your sins to each other.”
(James 5:16)

 
Have you forgiven your offender?
Forgiveness does not mean that you feel good about the person or the offense. Rather, it is the act of releasing that person from obligation to you. Forgiveness goes beyond justice—it is what God did for you when He accepted Christ’s death in your place! You can forgive someone who offends you even if they never know they offended you.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
(Colossians 3:13)

 
Have you prayed for your offender?
Pray for God to intervene and help the offender recognize sinful behavior and turn from it so that God will be glorified in the person’s life.

“Far be it from me that I should sin against the L
ORD
by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right.”
(1 Samuel 12:23)

 
Do you care about your offender?
Make sure you approach the person you are seeking to correct with a prayerful and tender heart. A good sign that you really care about the person is that you find confronting difficult—this can show that you have thought through the issue from the offender’s perspective.
18

“Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.”
(Zechariah 7:9)

 
Are you sensitive to the pain of your offender?
There is an adage that says, “Hurt people hurt people.”
19
Don’t make your pain the central issue of a confrontation.

“Mourn with those who mourn.”
(Romans 12:15)

 
Does your goal for the confrontation match the level of offense?
You might be tempted to exaggerate the offense because you have not found comfort for your hurt. The severity of the encounter must be balanced to match the severity of the offense.

“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the L
ORD
require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
(Micah 6:8)

 
Will you complete the task and help your offender?
Are you willing to do what it takes to work with the offender to overcome sin patterns for the sake of your relationship and in obedience to God? Before you confront, make sure you are willing to invest the time and energy necessary to encourage the offender to overcome the offensive behavior.

“The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. ... Reaffirm your love for him.”
(2 Corinthians 2:6–8)