Conrad Cooper's Last Stand ePub (4 page)

‘You want me to put my head in
that
?' I stare at the bathroom basin. ‘No way.'

Jasper rolls his eyes. ‘It's a test, see? No one can hold their head underwater for ten minutes, but if you ask a god for help, it should be easy.'

‘Um … Tane might save me from drowning, but he'll also have to save me from diseases like scarlet fever, school sores and possibly nits.' I shake my head, staring at the brown rim. ‘I bet nits can swim.'

‘But you said …'

‘I dunno if sharing one apple and two biscuits will be good enough to cover me.'

I've read about St Francis kissing a leper. Leprosy is a disease where body parts fall off. But I'm not a saint and I don't want to risk it. What if there's leprosy germs hanging around the taps? I need my hands; I don't reckon you can plant forests with your feet.

Jasper shrugs. ‘Okay, there's a basin in the classroom for washing art brushes. That'll be cleaner.'

‘No, this isn't going to work.'

Jasper folds his arms. ‘Of course not, 'cause there's no such thing as Tane.'

‘No, it's because he doesn't have much to do with tap water. He's more specific than that. He's into forests.' Jasper frowns. ‘We're a long way from a bushwalk. What do you want me to do, plant some trees?'

‘Nah, that'd take ages and we don't have time. I've got a
much
better idea.'

Ravi says, ‘You are both completely crazy.'

But Jasper shakes his head. ‘Actually, it makes sense. A tree should work.'

Okay, Tane, here's the plan. I'm going to jump off the pohutukawa. Your job is to catch me before I hit the ground. It shouldn't be hard – just grow an extra branch or something. Man, I really hope you're paying attention right now.

They're looking up at me, hanging on to the second-lowest tree branch. Jasper's face curls up into a squint. ‘You'll have to climb higher.'

‘One more branch?'

He turns his head sideways, examining the tree. ‘High enough that you're in danger, but you won't
really
hurt yourself. I'd say maybe just enough to break your ankle.'

An ankle
?

Suddenly I'm wondering if this is such a great idea. I just wanted to prove you exist, but I haven't done enough good stuff. At least, not enough to sort out Mum and Gaz. Have I been good enough to save my ankles?

But there's no backing out now. Jasper would hassle me for weeks … and I
did
give away my favourite biscuits. That's gotta count for something.

‘Um, okay!' I call back down. ‘But I'm not sure how high, tell me when to stop.'

Running my hands along the thick trunk, I pull myself up, pushing with my feet until I scramble onto the next branch.

‘How about this one?'

Jasper strokes his chin and I get the impression he's copying someone. ‘No, that's more like a bruise-your-knee kind of height.'

‘Seriously?'

‘If you're lucky you might pull a muscle.'

‘Very funny.'

Wobbling slightly, I wrap my arms around the trunk and stare at the pink bark … wait, pink? Moving my head back, it grows clearer – a bright line painted on to the tree with two letters on either side. The council men must've left a mark, probably to help them slice our pohutukawa into even pieces.

I'd forgotten about that.

I glance down. Wow. Jasper and Ravi look small. For a second I just stand there, hugging the tree, staring at my mates.

Ravi calls out, ‘Are you going to be sick?'

‘No, why?'

‘I'm standing right under you.' He turns to Jasper and I hear him explaining, ‘Mum gets funny about stains on my uniform.'

I might fall and become a human pancake and he's worried about his mum doing extra laundry? Mind you, Tane, it
is
a long way down. Will biscuits and an apple cover this? Maybe this is what Mrs O'Leary meant by faith: I just have to believe you'll save me.

Man, I hope this works.

Jasper shouts, ‘One more branch!'

Turning my head, I come face to face with another set of spray marks. It's like the tree's leaking pink blood. Poor old tree, it doesn't deserve … hang on.

That's it.

Tane, I know what'll make you really happy! Another good deed, only it's not your average follow-the-star-chart-and-say-please kind of goodness. In fact, you'll probably solve my family problems and throw in a free trip to Disneyland. Funny thing is, I should've thought of it earlier. This deed's been staring me in the face, every day.

I shout down, ‘I don't think this is a good idea.'

Jasper starts making chicken noises and clawing at the ground with his feet. Well, I'm not taking that.

‘Cut it out, Jasper! I'm not scared! I just haven't done anything good enough for Tane to save me from falling. Not yet!'

Lowering myself carefully onto one knee, I crawl along the branch, giving me a clear view of the playground. There's silence from the bottom of the tree and then Jasper's voice climbs up through the leaves. ‘Well, what're you doing, then?'

It's so far down. I grab a smaller branch for balance. ‘I'm making a protest.'

‘A
what
?'

He's far away so I take a deep breath and shout, ‘I won't come down until the principal promises NOT to kill our pohutukawa! I'm SAVING the tree!'

Okay, that was a bit loud. The whole playground probably heard, but I don't look down to check. I can't, not when I'm this high up. It makes the world wobbly. Underneath, I hear Jasper calling me an egg, and possibly a scrambled one if I fall too far. He's got a point, I'd better not look down.

I keep my eyes fixed on blue patches of sky, dancing between the leaves. It's like the ocean and I wonder … Tane? If I was at sea, and couldn't see any land, would I get confused and not know the difference? Would I start trying to swim in the air? Interesting.

Tane, I know the sky's your father. How do you get on? I mean does he ever take you out for fish 'n' chips, or –

‘Brilliant.'

Who said that? The voice seems to be coming from the tree and it sounds familiar, but I don't see anyone. Unless, could it be? Hardly daring to breathe, I whisper, ‘Tane, is that you?'

‘Don't be stupid.'

I look down and see a face full of freckles, sticking up through the branches. ‘
Jasper
? What are you doing here? Are you trying to prove Tane's real, too?'

‘Uh, not exactly. We've got a spelling test after lunch and I haven't studied.'

‘Oh.'

‘Ravi's right behind me. He's not great with spelling either, science is more his thing.' He grins. ‘Whoa, nice view!'

I've never noticed how loud his voice gets. Up here it seems to have wings, and if the people in the playground didn't hear me, they sure heard him. Right away, kids swarm towards the tree, surrounding the trunk like ants on a crumb. I just hope Mr Walker is on playground duty; he's getting old and his vision isn't too good. Maybe he won't notice.

They all shout up, ‘What're you doing?' and before I can explain, Jasper yells, ‘We're protesting! No one's going inside until the teachers promise not to cut down
the tree! Cool, hey?'

He grins at me. ‘You know what, Conrad? You're all right.' He turns his head sideways, like he sees me better from another angle. ‘Maybe it's 'cause you're not hanging out in the library every lunchtime any more. How come you read so much, anyway?'

‘Umm …'

I don't spend my time talking to the other kids in case I say something I shouldn't, like accidentally bad-mouthing Gaz. And anyway, it's easier being good when you read all day, and there's nothing on my star chart against books. But I can't tell Jasper that, he might not understand and then he'll start asking questions. And I'll be in danger of saying the wrong things again … it's a vicious circle.

He just grins. ‘We should hang out more often. I never knew you were this much fun.'

Uh-oh. ‘Jasper,' I hiss. ‘What're you doing? This isn't meant to be fun, it's
my
protest and anyway, if you get one more detention your mum'll kill you.'

‘Um, probably …' I can see him mentally chewing over the idea, then spitting it out. ‘But we can't stage a decent protest without a crowd! Relax.'

Kids start climbing up the tree, one after another.

Okay, now there's about twenty kids sitting in my pohutukawa. Maybe none of them have studied for the spelling test or maybe half the school's dead keen
on conservation. Either way, I appear to have started a revolution. Tane, does this count as being extra good?

Mr Walker roars up at us, ‘Every last one of you will get the strap! Do you hear me? This is insubordination!'

I ask the kids, ‘What's in sub board a nation?'

Everyone shrugs, and a red-haired kid with dirt on his chin says, ‘Maybe it's like the strap, only they use a wooden board.'

Jasper snorts. ‘Don't be stupid, Mr Walker wouldn't hurt a fly; he's just trying to scare us. Sub board a nation probably means they're going to send us to boarding school in another nation, like Australia or Stewart Island.'

A skinny kid with hair the colour of milk clings to the branch under me and whines, ‘I don't wanna go to boarding school!'

Jasper rolls his eyes. ‘Well, this tree doesn't want to be cut down. But does
it
get a say?
No
.'

Actually, we're supposed to be doing this for you, Tane, and I really doubt that Jasper cares about saving pohutukawas. But he keeps pulling at his fringe and
grinning from ear to ear like we're playing a game, so I'm sure he's enjoying himself. In fact, I haven't seen him having this much fun since the time he used bits of wire and sticks from the old school fence to make a go-cart, without brakes of course.

Wait, hear that, Tane? Now Jasper's shouting, and he's got other kids chanting with him – ‘We will not be moved! We will not be moved!'

Personally, I'm not sure that being good is supposed to be fun. I'm also unclear about kids skipping class because of me. Does this affect my levels of goodness? Have I lost points or gained them? And … how much does the strap hurt?

I can hear Mr Walker growling, ‘It's that Bastion Point nonsense; got them all riled up over nothing …'

Aw, yeah. I'd better find out more about the land protest and figure out how to help. I mean, this could be like a practice run for the real thing. I bet they've got pohutukawas on Bastion Point, we could build a tree house …

‘Room 4!'

Uh-oh.

Miss Cody's voice shoots up the tree. Glancing down, I see her shiny blonde head calling out, ‘Room 4, do you hear me? Stop this nonsense, right now! Ravi, you'll get zero on your spelling test if you don't get down here in
five seconds
.'

Ravi's head drops and he starts climbing down.

‘Rav!' Jasper growls. ‘Where do you think you're going?'

‘Sorry, but Conrad already messed up my homework and Mum gets funny about marks. She'll ban me from watching TV.'

And down he goes.

To be fair, that's a deal breaker and he's not the only one to leave. We lose another two protestors on toilet breaks. Trees have loads of great things, but plumbing isn't one of them.

Five minutes go by, then ten. The lunch ladies walk backwards into the car park, trying to get a better look, their faces aimed at our tree like loaded cannons. There's still a dozen of us up here, including Suzie. She's on the branch above me, picking bits of bark and dropping them onto Jasper's head.

He gets annoyed until I remember to tell him about Jessica hating him. Then he just looks worried. I've no idea why, I just didn't want him having a go at Suzie. She seems okay to me. In fact, the angrier Jasper gets the more she smiles. At least she's friendly.

Down below, Mr Walker's face glows redder and he waves his arm in our direction. Even from here, I can see the veins popping around his bones like weeds wrapped around a tree trunk. He's shouting, ‘This is getting ridiculous, will someone please tell me what's going on?
Why
are these children in a tree?'

Jasper shouts down, ‘We're making a protest about … ask Conrad!'

Oh, great. Now I'll get the blame. But everyone's staring at me, so I've got to say something.

‘Um, hello, Miss Cody! Hello, Mr Walker! How are you?'

‘
Conrad
? What on earth are you doing up there?'

I clear my throat. ‘Well, I didn't want the tree to get cut down.'

Silence under the pohutukawa – maybe they're really impressed. But then Mr Walker yells, ‘
What
?'

Oh, guess I'd better spell it out. Teachers mightn't be very experienced with protests. ‘It's um, a very nice tree, it gives lots of shade and … and it's good for climbing on. It doesn't deserve to be, uh –'

‘
MURDERED
!' yells Jasper.

‘Shut up,' I hiss at him. ‘I was going to say cut down.'

‘Murdered sounds better.' He grins. ‘Keep going, you're doing great!'

Okay, Jasper's losing it. There's another shocked silence underneath us. Before the teachers fill it up with shouting, I yell, ‘Miss Cody! We've gotta save this tree, it does really good stuff like making oxygen. The leaves turn carbon dioxide into air so we can breathe. We shouldn't cut trees down, otherwise –'

‘WE'LL SUFFOCATE AND DIE!' shouts Jasper. ‘Hear that, everyone? If they cut this tree down we'll all choke!'

‘What? No …'

Everyone in the tree gasps, except for Suzie, who mutters something that sounds like, ‘What an idiot.'

A junior on the lowest branch starts crying. ‘I – I don't wanna die!'

Mr Walker calls out, ‘Jasper, don't be ridiculous! Conrad, get down here this instant!'

‘I … I can't, I've gotta save the tree!'

Mr Walker opens his mouth, but Miss Cody touches his arm and says something I can't hear. His jaw snaps shut and she calls out, ‘
Why
?'

There's no point pretending. In fact, I'm sure religions frown on people who pretend not to believe in their god. They don't let them off just because they're under a bit of pressure, like being tied to a stake in an arena and surrounded by hungry lions. If I can't handle a few teachers, then I doubt Tane's going to throw any miracles my way.

So I tell them.

‘I'm saving trees for Tane.'

Mr Walker calls out, ‘Who's this Tane kid?'

We don't have anyone in school with that name, so I save him the trouble and shout back, ‘He's the Maori god of the forest.'

No one speaks, not even in the tree. And then I hear Mr Walker say, ‘That's it. We're calling his mother.'

Uh-oh.

Tane, you can save me from falling, but where do you stand on angry mothers? I know managing parents isn't your line of work, so how about getting a tree to fall? Right across the power lines in our street. That oughta do it.