“
Right,
”
I say sarcastically.
“
Jacks,
”
my mom steps in.
“
Maybe we can talk about all of this in the morning. We
’
re all tired.
”
“
Emi,
”
he starts.
“
When we give her rules, she needs to abide by them. How else is she supposed to earn our trust? Or this kid? What about him? I
’
m just going to let him ignore the limits I
’
ve set for my own daughter?
”
“
I
’
m sure that was not his intention,
”
Mom answers calmly.
“
He
’
s just trying to show me things
you
never let me see,
”
I tell him.
“
Great. What a hero.
”
“
Livvy, why don
’
t you go downstairs? I
’
ll be down in a few minutes,
”
my mom suggests as she puts her hand on Dad
’
s shoulder. She guides him up the stairs to their bedroom, but I can hear him continuing to talk over her as she tries to reason with him.
I change clothes quickly and
lie
down on top of the covers of my bed, staring at the painting on my wall, wondering what the story is behind it. Mom mentioned a woman
’
s name when she saw it, and I can
’
t help but wonder
whom
this woman was to Nate. A friend, like Mom? A girlfriend? Someone he loved? Someone he
didn
’
t
? Who was she to him? And why did she make him so angry?
I wonder what would provoke a person to paint something so passionate. It had to be something deeply personal to him. He must have loved this other woman, too.
As soon as I think that, I wonder if it
’
s possible. He loved my mother. Could he love two people? More than two? And when that happens, does it feel the same every time? Or is there something specific to each person that provokes different feelings, a different kind of love?
Did Jon love that girl?
Was there more than one?
My heart palpitates at this question. I didn
’
t ask how many girls he
’
d been with. That matters to me, doesn
’
t it?
I pull my phone out and scroll through the few contacts that are pre-programmed in it. Mainly family members, but Jon
’
s name stands out to me.
I struggle with the decision. Do I call him and ask him? Text him? Do I have a right to know?
It frustrates me to feel this way at the end of what could have been a perfect night. Again, I get lost in the painting, beginning to understand the confusion that seeps out in the uneven strokes of black paint.
“
You okay, Liv?
”
Uncle Matty asks quietly from the doorway.
I smile as best as I can.
“
I guess so.
”
“
You guess so? Did you not have a good time?
”
He sits on the bed next to me.
“
No, we did. The place was so cool, and the food was awesome. People, like, recognized me–
”
“
Did they leave you alone?
”
“
Yeah. It was really just the
wait staff
, and they were attentive.
”
“
Okay, that
’
s good.
”
He pats me on the leg.
“
So why the long face?
”
“
I don
’
t know,
”
I lie.
“
What happened?
”
“
Nothing happened. It
’
s just something we talked about.
”
“
Something you have questions about?
”
“
When did you lose your virginity?
”
I ask quickly.
“
What did I walk in on?
”
my mom asks, peeking her head into my room.
“
Just in time,
”
Matty says.
“
I think this is a mother-daughter conversation.
”
He ducks back out into the media room, pulling the door with him but not quite closing it all the way.
I shake my head, ducking into my hands.
I know she
’
s in my room, but Mom
’
s silent for a quite a few seconds before she moves closer and takes a seat on my bed. Matty turns the television on and starts watching a late-night show.
“
I guess my time for questions will come later.
”
She sighs heavily.
“
Had you felt comfortable enough to ask
me
, I would have told you I was nineteen. A sophomore in college.
”
Her honesty surprises me, and I
’
m encouraged to continue.
“
Was Nate your first?
”
“
No, honey. I
’
ve told you that Nate and I didn
’
t start dating until we were much older.
”
“
Were you Nate
’
s first?
”
She laughs out loud.
“
No.
”
“
How old was he?
”
I ask her.
“
Nate?
”
“
Yeah.
”
“
Younger than I was,
”
she answers plainly.
“
He was in high school.
”
“
Were you his second?
”
Again, she laughs to herself.
“
No, sweetie. I was his last, and that was good enough for me.
”
“
Did he have a lot of girlfriends before you?
”
“
Yes, Livvy, as a matter of fact, he did.
”
“
Ones he was...
intimate
with?
”
She smiles softly and nods her head. I start doing calculations in my head.
“
And when did you date?
”
“
In the fall and winter before he died.
”
“
Did you know all of the girls he was with before you?
”
“
Some of them. Not all of them, but I knew of most of them.
”
But not all of them...
I continue with my original line of conversation.
“
Did it bother you that he had a lot of girlfriends?
”
“
Up to a point, yes. But eventually, I decided they didn
’
t matter. I knew if I loved him enough, and wanted to have a future with him, I
’
d have to accept his past and move forward. And if I couldn
’
t, I needed to move on. People can
’
t change their past decisions.
”
She shrugs, looking a little sad.
“
Why are you asking all of these questions?
”
“
Jon
’
s not a virgin,
”
I tell her quietly.
“
Oh.
”
I can tell she doesn
’
t really know how to respond.
“
Well, how does that make you feel?
”
“
Kind of sad, I think,
”
I tell her.
“
Well, if you ask me, I think it
’
s kind of early in your relationship to be considering sex.
”
“
We weren
’
t,
”
I explain.
“
We were just talking, and it came up. So you were a sophomore in college, Nate was in high school. How old was Dad?
”
“
I could tell her!
”
my uncle yells from outside my door.
“
It
’
s a great story!
”
“
You most certainly will not!
”
my mom hollers back at him.
“
You should ask your father himself,
”
she says simply.
“
Did he wait until he was married?
”
“
Honey, he was thirty-five when we got married.
”
“
So that
’
s a no?
”
“
That
’
s a no.
”
“
Well, then, how old was he?
”
“
That
’
s not my information to share with you. You
’
ll need to ask him.
”
“
No, that
’
s okay,
”
I say, blushing.
“
Did Dad care that you weren
’
t a virgin?
”
“
At our age, Livvy, it was kind of understood that, well... I was thirty-one when we started dating. I don
’
t expect you to wait until you
’
re thirty-one, let
’
s just put it that way.
”
“
Were you sad that you weren
’
t a virgin when you got married? I mean, we
’
ve always talked about how I need to wait until I
’
m married, but you two didn
’
t. That seems a little hypocritical.
”
“
I guess it is, but it
’
s just advice. It
’
s just something you should consider, and having sex isn
’
t a decision you should ever take lightly. It should be something special that you share with someone you really love.
”
“
Should I care that Jon
’
s not a virgin?
”
“
At this point, no. Because, again, I don
’
t think either of you are ready to make this decision.
”
“
But he already has, once... at
least
once,
”
I mumble.
I see my brother run quickly by my bedroom door. At this hour, that can only mean my dad is right behind him. His face is white when he appears in my doorway.
“
What decision?
”
my dad asks.
“
Never mind,
”
I say quickly.
“
I
’
m done, Mom. Thanks.
”
“
What, um,
”
he stutters.
“
What are we talking about?
”
“
Nothing, I was just going to bed.
”
My mom turns around and smiles weakly at him, giving him a subtle nod. He grabs a stool from the media room and sits down, shutting the door and blocking the doorway.
“
And why are we talking about this?
”
he asks.
“
You
’
re too young to even be considering
that
.
”
“
That
’
s not what Mom said–
”