Authors: Andrew Ball
with your own eyes, you’d think differently."
Xik waved a hand.
Blue sparks flew over Daniel like a
cloud of shimmering confetti. They settled on
his exposed skin, then vanished. Daniel
stiffened, then felt at his arms with his
fingertips. "…what the hell was that?"
"That spell will let you see through their
illusion. Nothing more."
"Right. Thanks."
Xik gathered up his puke-colored hat,
fixed it atop his head, and leaned out the
window. He glanced back over his shoulder.
"Are you sure that -"
"Positive."
"A good night to you, then." The eclectic
frog threaded its long legs back over the
windowsill, which was like watching a
multicolored toothpick jab itself through a
hole. In a flutter of white curtains, Xik was
gone.
Daniel sighed and sat back. His index
finger automatically started working at his
lock of hair. This was the weirdest dream
he’d ever had. Had he looked up something
on Wikipedia about frogs or top hats?
He rejected Xik’s offer more out of
spite for how inane it all was than anything
else, but the lack of information was a real
concern, too. Daniel’s goal of law school
might be uneventful, but he’d take boredom
over eternal suffering any day. Just look what
happened to Faust.
"Hey Danny!"
Felix burst into his room. His seven-
year-old brother dangled in off the doorknob
by his hands. The door’s hinges groaned and
creaked as they bore the sudden weight.
Daniel, having stiffened in alarm, sighed
back into his chair. "You’ll break it if you
keep doing that."
"Whoa!" Felix’s hands slipped off the
knob. He collapsed to the floor, then got to
his feet while Daniel laughed. "It’s not
funny!"
"Absolutely. Not funny at all." Daniel
forced his face to be overly-serious. "No
laughing allowed."
Felix folded his arms and tried to mash
his lips into a frown, but eventually a smile
broke through anyway. "Ok, I guess it was
kinda funny." Felix brushed his pants, then
his hair. Daniel’s hair was dark brown, but
Felix’s was a much lighter mix with plenty of
gold.
Brown from James. Gold from mom.
"Are you here to injure yourself for my
entertainment, or is there something you
wanted?" Daniel asked.
"Um, dinner’s ready."
"At least you would have broken your
neck for a good cause."
Daniel clicked the save button on his
computer and followed Felix down the
stairs. They clomped across the tile of their
kitchen. James, their father, busied himself
moving cooked food from the stove onto
potholders waiting on their square wooden
table.
Three sides of the table were set. The
fourth spot was empty. Plates and silverware
and napkins gave that fourth spot a wide
berth in the same way that pedestrians avoid
a ragged, smelly bum lying in the dark corner
of a subway. Something they’d rather not talk
about, not look at, and just altogether pretend
didn’t exist.
Daniel tried to ignore the way in which
everything was squeezed onto the other
three-quarters of the table. He inhaled the
scent of garlic bread that wafted out of the
kitchen. They’d had pasta and garlic bread
quite a bit lately—it was easy to make—but
that was fine with him. He would eat pasta
every day if he could.
They all sat down and scooted their
chairs into the table. There was a flurry of
clinks and slops as they doled out the sauce
and the noodles. "Are you working on
something?" James asked.
"You noticed," Daniel said. "Shocking."
"Well, you’ve been shut up there for a
while."
Daniel chewed through a mouthful of
spaghetti. "History paper."
"How’s it going?"
"Alright. I don’t think Mrs. Faldey reads
my papers anymore. She just stamps an A on
it and pats me on the head."
"She likes you, then?"
"I was the secretary of the school’s
history club. I’ve had her three years in a
row. She wrote one of my recommendations.
Of course she likes me." Daniel fixed his dad
with a look. "Guess you forgot?"
James turned back to his food. "Hear
anything from colleges?"
Daniel looked to Felix. His little brother
was obsessive about checking the mailbox;
he was at that age when he was willing to do
everything from fetch drinks to beat the
drapes for a little attention. "No letters,"
Felix said. "There was just this magazine
with a bunch of tires on the front. We always
get that one. Do they sell a lot of tires at the
store?"
"Apparently," Daniel answered.
James sipped his water. "Just junk mail,
Felix."
"I don’t get junk mail," Felix said. "It just seems like a waste of paper and stuff.
Why do we always get it?"
Daniel snorted. "The wisdom of our
child sage never ceases to amaze me."
"Hey, I was serious!"
"Everyone gets junk mail," James said.
"If they spray everyone with advertisements,
someone will be interested and buy
something. At least, that’s the idea."
"But it’s still wasting paper."
"I didn’t realize you were getting so
conscious about resource allocation."
"What’s allocation?"
"How things are distributed," James
said. "For example, I allocated myself a
heaping pile of pasta."
Felix smiled. "Oh. Well, we were
talking about recycling in class, and Mrs.
White said it was bad to waste paper and
water and things, and junk is always a
waste."
"Intelligent woman."
As Felix related the more obscure
details of his day at elementary school,
Daniel’s thoughts wandered back to the
magical frog-alien. He didn’t remember
waking up. Maybe he was just dozing in his
chair until Felix’s voice cut through.
Eventually, he finished his plate. His
eyes found the empty seat on his left. He’d
sat in the same spot at their table since he
was born. For the first sixteen years of his
life, that fourth seat had an occupant.
He’d never get used to the difference. It
was wrong.
It hung on him, like a jacket. A black
jacket. It was soaked through, damp, and it
chilled him to the bone, sucking the heat out
of him in the way wet clothes do when worn
too long. No matter how long he stood in the
sun, it wouldn’t dry. The zipper was chained
shut around his neck, and trying to pry it off
only hurt his hands.
There was a pause in the conversation.
"How was work?" Daniel asked. He didn’t
really care all that much about the answer. It
was just to fill space. Keep his mind off a
vacant chair.
"It was work," James said.
"How about your old position?"
James set his forearms on the table. He
looked away, then rubbed the back of his
neck. Just from that, Daniel knew what was
coming.
"They passed me up for an outside hire,"
James said. "No big deal. We still have
plenty of money from the insurance.
Wherever you go, it’s taken care of."
"I’m not worried about getting taken
care of by you," Daniel said. James was
silent. Of course he was. "You said it was in
the bag. Your boss said it was in the bag."
"Daniel," James started in a lecturing
tone, "Arnold doesn’t make all the decisions.
Sometimes -"
Daniel narrowed his eyes as his father
rattled off a list of the usual excuses. James
had been clinically depressed for over a year
and a half. He barely had the motivation to
feed himself for the first few weeks. It was
only the past few months that he’d finally
stuttered back into the world; he was
fortunate his old employer was willing to
give him another shot.
"I’m lucky I kept my job at all after the
layoffs," James was saying. "There’ll be
other opportunities."
Daniel stood and slapped his hands into
the table. The dishes rattled. Felix and James
both jumped. They sat there, looking at him.
In his mind’s eye, Daniel saw himself
screaming his head off. Daniel had been
sixteen with a five-year-old brother, and his
dad checked out of life because he couldn’t
take the strain. The fact of the matter was that
his dad didn’t get the promotion because he
couldn’t be trusted, but he buried that under
excuses—along with every other fault he
had.
Daniel felt the frown twist on his face.
James had barely acknowledged Daniel’s
existence because he was too busy moping
for months on end, and now this crap, asking
him about his paper, pretending he gave a
shit as if they could forget it happened and go
right back to some sickly version of normal.
He wanted to shout it all at the top of his
lungs. He wanted to throw it back in his
dad’s face.
But Felix was sitting right there. Daniel
took a long, deep breath. "…I gotta write my
paper."
He tried his very best not to stomp up
the stairs—and then he was in his room. He
kicked his door shut, then fell into his chair
and balled his hands into fists.
His anger was justified. It had to be.
Daniel had loved her every bit as much as
his father did, but for Felix’s sake, he pulled
it together and kept going. Meanwhile, James
fell to pieces.
Did Daniel get an apology? No. Did
James admit he crawled into his room and
left them to themselves for two years? No.
How about when Daniel had to quit
everything he did after school to make sure
Felix got home in one piece? Or how
Daniel’s part-time job was the only income
they had until the insurance finally paid out?
And absolutely nothing on how Daniel
sacrificed his grades to make sure Felix had
enough to eat, no, that wasn’t worth a
mention. He might not get into college, but
hey, James didn’t care enough to bring it up.
Guess it wasn’t that important.
Daniel slammed his hands on the arms
of his chair. They stung and throbbed from
the strike, but he barely felt it. His teeth
ground together in the back of his jaw.
Nope. None of that. Just right back to
normal. That other stuff never happened.
Besides, at the end of it all, they got lucky,
right? There would be other opportunities.
He wanted to scream. He wanted to
break something. And he loathed the little
immature part of him that wanted that,
whining and waving its arms because the
world wasn’t right, because the tree fell the
other way. Tough shit, kid. Get it together.
Daniel inhaled deeply, sucking in the
scentless air of his bedroom. He went to his
closet.
His mother’s cello was still there,
leaning against the back corner. She’d
always said she’d give it to him one day.
Technically, that day had come, but he still
thought of it as hers.
He put a hand on the head of the black
case. Dust coated the plastic shell. Playing
used to be fun. He felt like everything came
out when he moved the bow over the strings,
as if he was turning something inside himself
into music.
The thought of hearing the instrument
again made something dark and cold tighten
around his heart. The black jacket almost
crushed him.
He closed the closet and sat back in his
chair. The world was never fair. He knew
that more than anyone. But he couldn’t get
used to it.
It was off. Wrong. All wrong.
****
Daniel dropped his pack next to his
locker. If he was totally honest with himself,
he’d been a little worried that blue sparks
would come snapping off his eyeballs when
he looked in the mirror that morning. But his
hometown, Aplington Ohio, was just the
same boring town as ever. His hair was the
same dark brown, his face was still cut the
same way, sharp lines and thin jaw. Felix
still got excited over his Reese’s Puffs.
James still took his coffee black.
Everything was the same. The same. The
same.
Part of him had wanted that crazy dream
to be real. He hated himself for believing it
had happened for even a second. Hate, again.
Infantile pettiness he couldn’t get away from.
The frustration grated on him like nails on a
chalkboard.
Daniel had just withdrawn his hand from
his locker when it slapped closed. Metal
slammed against metal like a gunshot. A
second slower and one of his fingers would
be broken.
Kyle leaned against the shut locker. His
red mohawk was styled up above his head
with what must have been several handfuls
of gel. It looked like the end of a crusty
broom used to sweep up blood. "Hey