CORAL - Forever (A Romance Trilogy, Book 3) (31 page)

“Ah...” George is scribbling again. “Yes, that maybe what
this is about Coral, putting your mother to rest.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, and you’re also dealing with the fact that you lost
your child.”

“I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I tremble.

“Sometimes, that can make it even more traumatic.”

“Why?”

“Often, women feel guilty for not knowing they were pregnant,
and they tend to question it over and over again, ‘what did I do wrong?’ or,
‘what didn’t I do that I should have done?’. Also, other women have shared with
me that they felt somewhat betrayed by their bodies, let down as they weren’t
given any signs or indications that they were with child.”

“Oh.”

“Have you felt any of those feelings Coral?”

It takes a long time for me to answer. “I...I don't know. I
suppose at the time, when Tristan told me, I felt guilty because if I hadn’t
have gone to his place, and Susannah hadn’t have shot me, we might still be
pregnant. But the guilt didn’t last that long, because no matter what way I
look at it, I still would have gone to Tristan, even if I knew she had a gun.
So, in a way I lost and I gained. I lost our baby, but I gained Tristan, he is
alive.”

“I see, and how do you feel when you see the baby in the
hole?”

“The first time I didn’t understand, but I wanted to help
it, it looked so tiny, so fragile.”

“And the second time?” My teeth clamp together. “Coral?”

“I didn’t want to see. The baby wasn’t moving. I'm glad it
only lasted a split second then the dream changed.” I snap.

“I see, how are you feeling Coral, in general? Happy, sad,
angry?”

“Happy.”

“Elaborate please.”

“I am in love. Tristan is a wonderful man, who I clearly do
not deserve, but he wants me, so I will spend the rest of my life trying to make
him happy.”

“I see, so can you tell me what made you so sick this
morning?”

“All of it?”

“All of what Coral?”

“The dream.”

“Can you share that with me?”

“First Olivia was here in the house’ – “I do apologise
Coral, but who is Olivia?”

“Tristan’s ex girlfriend, she came here yesterday
unannounced, Tristan told her to leave.”

“Alright, please continue.”

“It was night time and Olivia was in the house, only I was Olivia,
like before when I dreamed of Susannah. Olivia walked up into our bedroom and
watched Tristan and I sleeping. Then the dream changed to the baby in the hole
in the woods and then...Justin,” I whisper.

“Justin was in your dream?”

We both halt our conversation as we hear Edith coming down
the stairs, she tentatively knocks on the door, then walks in and places the
tray down; then without a word she hurries out of the room, closing the door
behind her.

“Please continue Coral. You said Justin was in your dream? George
says.

“Yes. Tristan and I went to my studio yesterday, I wanted to
see it, only Justin was there trying to find me. He is back in Brighton and has
split with Harriet, he told me he has missed me, that he wants me back, he
wants to try again.”

“I see, so what happened with Justin in the dream?” I close
my eyes and grit my teeth. “Coral,” George whispers. “Whatever you tell me;
stays with me.”

“I know,” I whisper and take a deep breath. “I...I was
kissing Justin.” I say, squeezing my eyes shut. “I don't love him, I love
Tristan,” I add.

“I know Coral, that much is plainly clear for all to see.”

“Then why did I kiss Justin?” I squeak.

“Sometimes, seeing someone from our past ignites old
feelings, triggers emotions. I'm sure it was nothing more than you remembering
what it was like being with him.”

“I feel...” I stop I can't say it.

“What Coral, what do you feel?”

“Guilty,” I whisper.

“For kissing Justin?”

“Yes, for betraying Tristan.”

“You haven’t betrayed Tristan, it was just a dream.” George
softly placates.

I hang my head in my hands. “I don't understand that George,
why would I even want to do that? Even if it was in a dream, I meant what I
said when I told him I would never have him back, that it’s Tristan I want, who
I love. I told Justin I'm marrying Tristan.”

“Again Coral, I will reiterate. Dreams are a way of our
subconscious deciphering the events of the day and sometimes those details can
be confusing, a little muddled up.”

“Maybe,” I whisper.

“Coral, do you think you can spend the rest of your life
never finding another man attractive?”

“I hope so. I don't want to be attracted to anyone else but
Tristan.” I balk.

“But as human beings we don't work like that. You can take
any male or female who is deeply in love with their mate, yet, they can still
find others attractive, they may never do anything about that attraction, but
it doesn’t mean the attraction isn’t there.”

“Oh!”

“So can you answer my next question honestly?”

“I’ll try,” I whisper.

“When you saw Justin, did you feel attracted to him, like
you were before?”

It takes a long time for me to pluck up the courage to
answer, because deep down inside, I don't want to admit it to myself. I sigh
heavily, it’s no good. “Yes.”

“Coral, that is perfectly natural and nothing to feel
ashamed about, or guilty.”

“I bet Tristan didn’t dream of kissing Olivia last night.”

“But Tristan isn’t you Coral. Justin was the first person
you allowed yourself to be close to, well as close as you could be. As I’ve
explained before, the relationships we have with our partners are very
different emotionally, to the ones we have with our parents, siblings, family
members.”

“I know,” I whisper, still feeling guilty.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” My stomach can't take it –
No
way!

“No, I'm ok thanks. But help yourself George, I don't mind.”
I wait while George makes his drink and takes a sip. “The dream didn’t end
there George,” I whisper, feeling terrified. I wrap my arms around myself, I’m still
so cold.

“It didn’t?” George says. I shake my head and finally look
up at him. “Welcome back,” he smiles. I shake my head and stare down at the
floor, silent tears start flowing down my cheeks –
Pissing me right of!

“Here darling,” George says passing me the tissues. I take
them off him and swipe angrily at my cheeks. “When you’re ready,” George
prompts.

“Did Tristan tell you about my speaking to my Dad?”

“Yes,” he says. “He buried your mother’s ashes I believe?”

“Yes. So after Justin, I was at a cemetery trying to find my
Mom, my Dad turned up, he wanted to take me away, he wouldn’t let go of me, but
then I escaped and I ran, but I was scared because he was running after me,
catching up to me.”

“Tristan told me he wants to communicate with you?”

“Yes.”

“And you don't want to?”

“No.”

“Well, again Coral, dreams are our way of processing these
things. The fact that he was holding onto you, signifies that he wants the
connection. The fact that you ran away, signifies you don't want the
connection.”
Ok, feeling a little better about that part!

I take a deep breath. “You remember the dream I told you
about, the one on the boat with Tristan?”

“Yes.”

“Well after running from my Dad, I was on the boat again and
I couldn’t find Tristan. I was so scared, and I didn’t understand why? I
screamed for him, ran all over the boat, only to realise, in the end – that I
was alone....and then...” I stop and squeeze my eyes shut.

“Take your time Coral.” George gently prompts.

I take another deep breath. “I ran up on deck to see if he
was up there, but he wasn’t. And we weren’t in the cove like before. I was out
at sea and...” I swallow hard, I don't want to remember.

“What happened Coral?”

“A storm; a dark black storm came over. This huge wave
capsized the boat, we both went down...I was so cold, so scared...it was so
dark, so black. I couldn’t even see my hands in front of my face, and I knew I
was drowning, that I was going to die alone in those icy depths.”

“And that’s where the dream ended?” I shake my head. “When
you’re ready,” George softly says. I close my eyes, this is the part I'm most
scared of, the part I'm frightened off.

“I...I was on the beach here, in Brighton. I was soaking wet
and freezing cold. My mother appeared to me again, she pointed up at a building
and said ‘see’ so I looked and it was the hotel I was raped in.”  
Breathe
Coral, Breathe....
I take another lung full of air. “Then it changed again
and I was somewhere I haven’t been before, it was like a posh party or
something? There were so many people all dressed up, there was music playing
and people were dancing. I looked down at myself and I was dressed up too, and
I had champagne in my hand. Then my mother whispered to me again, she pointed
across the room and said ‘see’ I looked up and Tristan was walking towards me.
Then she pointed again...” I clench my hands into fists.

“Take your time Coral, there’s no rush darling.”

I take another deep cleansing breath. “When she said ‘see’
again, I recognised who she was pointing at, it wasn’t Tristan she wanted me to
see it was...
him
.”

“Who is
he
Coral?”

“The man who raped me,” I gasp, trying to choke back the
tears.

“He was at the party?”

I nod. “He was walking across the dance floor all dressed
up, then she...she whispered, she whispered ‘he knows you’ and he stopped and
looked right at me, raising his glass to me and smiling at me and...Oh George,
what if she’s right? What if he did know me, or does know me...?” I suddenly
start to feel really woozy –
Oh ok, I think I'm going to faint...

“Coral?” George reaches across to me. “Are you feeling
unwell?”

“I feel faint,” I whisper.

“Come on sweetheart let’s get you some fresh air.” Taking my
hand and putting his arm around my waist, he leads me out of the room. “Which
way Coral?”

“Right,” I whisper, and we head down the hallway, through
the bi-folding doors and out into the bright sunny day.

“Better?” George asks as I try my best to fill my lungs with
lots of clean, fresh air.

“I think so?” I whisper.

We take a seat, side by side on the outdoor lounger;
although it’s more like a big comfy sofa. George keeps hold of my hand,
squeezing every now and then. “Feeling better?”

“Yes,” I whisper, staring at the grass. The world is no
longer spinning.

“Good, now; I’d like to go through each part of the dream. Is
that ok?”

I nod despondently. “Ok. Olivia’ – “George, she is so
pretty.” I interrupt.

“Completely irrelevant,” George snaps in exasperation. I
look up at him and frown. “Coral, don't you realise? It doesn’t matter how
pretty a woman is, or how good looking a man is, we are all looking for
connection above anything else; a very deep loving connection. So you see, your
fear of Olivia is just that; a silly fear, a misguided belief. You need to
break that belief down. Tristan is with you because he feels that level of
connection with you and wants to make it permanent by committing to you, by
marrying you.”

I nod, understanding what he means. “It’s my own
insecurities?” I whisper.

“Yes.”

“Ok.”

“Good, now the baby. How do you really feel about it Coral?
You were led to believe you couldn’t conceive and now you know you can.”

“I'm scared. I’ve told Tristan we will have a family one
day, but not yet I want him to myself for a while, but I think the real reason
for holding it off is that I don't think I’ll be a very good mother. I mean,
what child is going to want someone with issues like I have? How am I supposed to
make a child feel secure when I struggle with that myself?” I stop and shake my
head.

“Well, from what I’ve learned over the years, motherhood
changes that. A protective instinct kicks in, to provide, to love, to cherish.
Again Coral, these are just your fears talking, I think you’ll make an
exceptional mother.”

“You do?” I squeak.

“Yes.” I frown and hug myself –
Hmm, me a good mother...
George continues. “Justin, well we discussed him, so please try to put it out
of your mind.”

“Ok,” I whisper.

“Your father, well I think you were very brave to speak to
him Coral, that can’t have been easy?”

I shake my head. “I wasn’t very nice to him.”

“Well, he doesn’t exactly deserve your love, patience and
respect, he needs to earn it.”

“You think I should let him back into my life?” I squeak.

“That is completely up to you. And as far as you mother
goes, I think the sooner you lay her to rest, physically, emotionally and
mentally, the better. You need to get it done, say your goodbyes and move on.”

“I know,” I whisper. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.”

“Good. Now, the storm at sea has a water aspect to it. Many
believe large waves, storms and tsunamis often represent unresolved emotions.
The fact that you were alone on the boat and the wave hit you is not saying
that you are alone Coral, it’s saying that you didn’t deal with whatever issues
that came up at the time, so subconsciously you were feeling alone. You
repressed them instead of talking them through. For instance, did you speak to
Tristan about how you really felt when Justin turned up, were you truthful with
him?”

“No.”

“And what about when you spoke to your father?”

I shake my head.

“And Olivia?”

“I don't want Tristan to know I'm worried about her, like I
was with Susannah. He already knows I'm insecure’ – “Coral, stop hiding and be
honest with him, tell him your fears, your real fears. I guarantee you if you
do, these dreams will stop, your subconscious won't need to do the work because
you’ve dealt with it at the time. Do you understand?”