Country Roads (45 page)

He moaned as the image repeated itself in his mind. At least he didn’t retch again. Straightening, he swung open the passenger door and grabbed the bottle of water he always carried, rinsing and spitting to clear the nasty taste from his mouth.

His stomach lurched, so he closed the door and leaned against it with the cool bottle pressed against his aching forehead.

This whole situation was his fault; he had indulged himself in an affair with a woman he knew would leave him in her dust. He would nurse a memory so brilliant and vivid, no other woman would ever be able to measure up. But he could live with that. Welcomed it even, knowing how badly he’d screwed up.

What had kept him tossing all night was the expression on Julia’s face when he’d told her he didn’t want her here. How he had found the strength of will to force those words out of his mouth he would never understand. When he saw the terrible hurt in her green eyes, he’d nearly told her the truth: that he wanted to lock his arms around her and keep her with him in Sanctuary forever. Instead he had taken her brave, honest declaration of love, thrown it on the ground, and ground it into the dirt with his heel.

Another image shimmered through his brain. His Julia looking so tiny atop the massive black horse, her hair flaming in the sunshine, her face lit with excitement as she said, “I just learned
to post.” The moment was burned into his memory along with the emotions roiling inside his chest: awe, fear, and a love that took his breath away.
Julia
took his breath away: her courage, her passion, her generosity. God, she was magnificent.

And he had to let her go.

His gut clenched so hard, he dropped the water bottle and doubled over. He stayed that way until the wave of overwhelming pain passed. Then, feeling like an old man, he bent down gingerly to retrieve the plastic bottle.

Pulling in several long breaths, Paul got his stomach under control. He glanced at his watch and realized he was going to be late arriving at Jimmy’s house. His brother had asked him to come by for some unspecified reason. The timing stank big-time, since Jimmy was the reason he was in this pain. No, that wasn’t fair to his brother; Paul knew what his responsibilities were. He had just chosen to push them to the back of his mind until he had to face the consequences.

Right now he wanted to get on his Harley and ride until he drove into the Pacific Ocean. Oh yeah, he couldn’t do that because he’d donated his hog to the charity gala.

Today was truly the day from hell. And it wasn’t going to improve at Jimmy’s.

He shoved himself away from the car and walked around to the driver’s door, swinging it open and levering himself inside. Taking the mountain curves too fast was the only outlet he could allow himself, but he was still half an hour late pulling up at Jimmy’s door.

“Sorry I’m late, Jim,” Paul said, as his brother opened the front door. Light from the low-hanging late afternoon sun illuminated the trim, and Paul noticed it had been freshly painted.

“No problem, bro,” Jimmy said, waving Paul in. “Want some iced tea?”

What he wanted was an entire bottle of Scotch, but if Jimmy had one, he wouldn’t confess to it. “Sure.”

As his brother collected glasses from a cabinet and a filled pitcher from the refrigerator, Paul realized Jimmy’s hair was newly trimmed. He glanced around the room with startled attention. No dirty dishes moldered in the sink. The stove top was scrubbed clean.

“Is Eric coming over later?” Paul asked.

Jimmy looked up from pouring the tea. “No, he’s at Terri’s. Why?” “Just wondered.”

“He’s got a half day of school tomorrow, so we’re heading out to the state forest tomorrow at lunchtime for our camping trip.” Jimmy’s blue eyes blazed with anticipation.

“You taking any Doritos?”

Jimmy laughed as he handed Paul his glass. “I’m strictly enforcing the no-food-in-the-tent rule. I got no interest in meeting a skunk in my skivvies.”

“Good move,” Paul said, following his brother into the living room.

“Have a seat,” Jimmy said, waving Paul to the couch while he sat on the edge of the recliner. He scooted a coaster over to the corner of the coffee table and set his glass on it.

Paul sank onto the burgundy cushions and wondered what the hell was going on. His brother had never used a coaster before in his life. He’d also never walked into the living room without turning on the television.

Jimmy set his elbows on his knees. He cleared his throat but his voice still came out low and raspy. “I’ve been thinking a lot since Saturday. About Saturday and before that.” He laced his fingers together and cracked his knuckles. “One of the things you’re supposed to do in AA is make amends to the people you’ve hurt with your drinking.”

Paul started to interrupt, but Jimmy stopped him. “You’re one of them. You’ve given up a hell of a lot for me. And then I go and repay you by doing something stupid like I did Saturday.”

Paul let his brother take the time he needed.

“I got scared last week,” Jimmy said, looking down. “Real scared because of your job offer. I know Terri made you swear not to leave me alone even when Eric wasn’t staying with me, because she was afraid I’d go over to her house and get violent. I was scared you’d take the job and she’d move away with Eric to put distance between her and me.”

A couple of tears spilled onto Jimmy’s cheeks and he scrubbed them away with the back of his hand.

“Jim, you know I wouldn’t do that,” Paul said, feeling the usual exasperated frustration rubbing at him like sandpaper.

Jimmy nodded and swallowed hard before he said. “Yeah, but Saturday I lost it and I tried to drown the fear in booze. I didn’t even want it, but I kept drinking because I couldn’t face the idea of a life without Eric.”

Paul felt his mouth twist into a grimace of understanding.
Hadn’t he just felt the same way about a future without Julia?

Jimmy lifted his eyes and looked at Paul straight on. “I called Adam on Tuesday and went to talk to him. We’ve talked a lot since then. I understand something really important now. You are not responsible for keeping Eric in my life. I am. If I don’t love my son enough to stay sober even when he’s not around, then I don’t love him enough. Period.”

Paul sat forward as his brother said the words he’d always hoped to hear.

“I’ve made a commitment to myself and to Terri and most importantly to Eric, although he doesn’t know it,” Jimmy said. “I will stay sober for the rest of my life, one day at a time, because I love my son down to the bottom of my soul.”

Conviction rang in Jimmy’s voice, and Paul felt a tightness in his throat.

“I told you about making amends, so I went to see Terri.” Jimmy picked up his glass and took a sip of tea. “I told her how sorry I was about what I’d done to her and our family.” He looked at Paul over the top of the glass. “I asked her to release you from your promise.”

Paul was afraid to hear Terri’s answer. “It’s not a promise; it’s a legal document.”

Jimmy ignored him. “After we talked for a long time, she said she’d be willing to consider it as long as I keep going to the AA meetings.” Jimmy dropped his gaze, his throat working. “She thinks I’m being a good dad to Eric nowadays.”

Paul had to swipe at his own cheeks to dry them. His brother had finally found the strength to be a worthy father to Eric.

His brother straightened abruptly to look Paul in the eye. “I’m going to earn your way out of that promise to Terri, I swear. I’m going to make sure you’re free to live your own life again.”

Paul felt something like hope unfurl in his chest. His brother might have a long road to walk, but at last he was taking the first real steps. Paul stood and walked over to him. “Jimmy, you’ve made me proud.” He opened his arms, and Jimmy rose and stepped into the embrace. Paul hugged him hard. “Real proud.”

J
ULIA HELD THE
edges of Darkside’s portrait gingerly as she jabbed her elbow against the buzzer. Claire had closed the Gallery at Sanctuary for the day to get ready for the exhibition that evening, so the front door was locked. Belle Messer, the gala auction organizer, had persuaded Claire to exhibit the portrait tonight to drum up interest in the gala and perhaps entice some big spenders to attend.

The door swung open, and Tim Arbuckle towered over her. “Let me give you a hand with that,” he said in his rumble of a voice.

“Thanks but it’s still got some wet spots. Just point me to an easel.” She’d gone over to her studio that morning to put some finishing touches on the painting, adding her signature in bright turquoise blue so any prospective bidders could see it clearly.

Tim led the way to an easel set at an angle in one corner of the gallery. “Claire wants it here in the lights, away from everything else. Displayed like a rare and precious gem, she said.”

Claire’s description brought some welcome warmth to the fog of desolation surrounding her. Julia gave Tim a grateful smile and eased the canvas onto the stand.

As she stepped back, Tim crossed his arms and planted himself in front of the portrait. The strong lights brought up a tint of auburn in the hair curving onto his forehead. Julia wished she were staying longer so she could paint the big man as a gift to
Claire. He pursed his lips in a low whistle. “This painting has layers on layers. You need to study it to understand them all.”

She shouldn’t have been surprised; Tim was married to a very sophisticated art dealer. But she hadn’t expected such perception from a man who seemed so straightforwardly a country veterinarian.

Something of her reaction must have shown in her face because Claire laughed as she came up to slip her hand through the crook of Tim’s elbow. “He fooled me too when I first met him. He’s a collector of equine art, so one of your
Night Mares
just might find its way into his collection. Not that I will show any favoritism.”

“The only reason she married me was to get her favorite Castillo painting back,” Tim said, his eyes glinting with mischief.

The love enveloping the two of them made Julia ache, so she turned toward the
Night Mares
. “You opened up the space more when you added the new ones,” she said, sweeping her hand around the circle of panels. “It looks great.”

“And we can get more people into the exhibit at the same time,” Claire said.

“Let me move that last chair and then I have to go vaccinate the Cruikshanks’ new cows,” Tim said, dropping a kiss on the top of his wife’s head. He picked up a leather armchair like it was a paper cutout and strode off down the back hallway with it.

Claire tugged Julia over to the couch, which was now positioned near the desk. “Tell me what’s happened,” she said, pulling Julia down beside her on the cushion.

Julia knew she looked like hell. She’d passed up dinner the night before because her stomach had tied itself in a knot that refused to unravel. This morning, the smell of pancakes and bacon had twisted the knot tighter.

She’d spent the sleepless night drawing Paul’s face over and over and over again, trying to empty him out of her mind and
onto the paper. She’d awakened this morning on the sofa, a snowstorm of torn pages blanketing the floor around her.

“I love Paul,” she said to Claire, “but he doesn’t feel the same way.”

Concern shadowed Claire’s brown eyes. “I think you’re wrong. He just has a very complicated set of responsibilities.”

“He told me.” Julia swallowed hard. She had also decided she wouldn’t cry over him anymore, but that was proving difficult. “I’m not asking him to shirk them. He’s the one who thinks he can’t do both.”

Claire frowned and looked away. “I was afraid of that.”

“I know you’re old friends and you’re worried about him,” Julia said. “I threw everything I could at him, but I can’t break through that wall he’s put up. He doesn’t love me enough to let me in.” It was the conclusion she’d reluctantly reached after her long night of reliving every moment of their time together.

Claire sighed. “I really thought…” She shook her head.

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a gallon of brush cleaner, but I’ll never regret loving Paul,” Julia said, wobbling up off the divan. “Now I’ve got to get the painting over to his office. Verna told me he has a fifteen-minute opening right before lunch.”