Because if those mistake-driven men could do something that fabulous, then maybe she wasn’t such a villain.
But sitting across from Erva confirmed her worst fear: she
was
the bad guy.
“Being a professor too,” Meredith said, “you know the difference between jealousy and envy. I don’t know why most people say jealousy when they mean envy. It is envy when one covets. Jealousy is when one wants to keep something or someone.” She glanced through her wet eyelashes to see Erva nodding. So Meredith continued. “Envy sounds...horrible, while jealousy doesn’t have the stigma of being one of the deadly sins. Maybe that’s why people say jealousy when they mean envy.”
Erva took a big breath, her eyes beginning to glaze over. Meredith was stalling with a lesson in word usage, rather than what she wanted to say, what she
needed
to say. She scooped into her last reserve of nerve and gritted through, getting to her point.
“Envy sounds as if it should be easy to get over. Because if you covet something, you want it. You want what that person has. And, really, it is that simple. But our minds...
my
mind didn’t work that way. If I wanted what you had, and, God, I did...I wanted to be as passionate about history as you. I had been that excited at one time. I wanted to write like you. So clear, concise. You never covered your meanings in academic jargon. You just were you...lovely. You were a skeet champion, a former Army intelligence officer, and I doubt you have ever had one student of yours not instantly have a crush on you.”
Erva shook her head, her blonde brows knitting together.
“I wanted to be as lovely as you.”
“I’m not—you make me sound like—”
“Because you’re amazing, Erva.”
Erva looked down at her lap. “God damn it. See, I can’t confront you when you’re like this.”
Meredith smiled, even though it hurt like hell. But she wasn’t done explaining herself, even though she had no right to do so. Still, she had to try. “The way envy works is by making me think of what I
don’t
have. I
don’t
have your body. I
don’t
have a smiling disposition. I
don’t
have my students gushing over me. It’s a constant reminder of what I’m not. I’m not beautiful. I’m not kind. I’m not good. I’m not good enough. Ever.”
“Meredith, that’s not true.”
“Try telling that to my envy.”
Erva swallowed, her eyes widening slightly, yet again compassion flaring in those warm orbs of hers.
“Envy whispers all the things I don’t have,” Meredith continued. “Then it starts to yell. It screams at me how I don’t have respect; I don’t have support; I don’t have love. No one loves me.” She looked down at her lap, beginning to cave in again.
“David, your husband, has had a few press releases, asking for information about where you are.”
Meredith snapped her head up, beyond angry. “David isn’t my husband.”
Erva’s lips pursed slightly. “I assumed, because he loves you—”
“Loves me? The man broke up with me. And rather publicly too on Twitter. He never wanted me. I was never good enough. I can guess the only reason he’s doing any kind of press release is because the university’s board pressured him to do it, or he’s getting some kind of kick from the attention.”
Meredith was surprised she was saying as much. But why hold back any longer? She was stuck in 1887 for Christ’s sake. Why not tell it all? “I was with that man for ten years as he strung me along, making promises he never kept. You want to know the stupidest part? I kept falling for it. For ten freaking years. I kept trying to believe he’d marry me, we’d move in together, we’d do all the things he said he wanted to do. But in the same breath he’d tell me how he’d marry me if I...could finally get a raise, make enough money to buy a large enough apartment that
we
deserved. Everything was contingent on me and needing to do something to earn a marriage, love. Another excuse to not marry was because I hadn’t published in a couple years, and I needed to do that in order for us to even talk to a realtor. So I had to get published. I had to make money. I had to lose weight, because it meant I’d get closer to
our
goal. I had to keep pushing, keep doing, keep—”
“Hustling.”
Meredith drew in a sharp breath, amazed Erva knew the answer. “Yes.”
Erva nodded. “I had a serious case of the hustles myself. But for different reasons, and mine manifested in different ways.”
Meredith looked back down at her hands. “Yes. You did everything I asked—”
“Becoming a doormat in the process.”
“I’m sorry.”
Erva shrugged. “And you became a—”
“Total bitch.”
Erva actually smiled. “I wasn’t going to say that.”
“Well, I am.” Meredith reached out across the table, but then realized what she was doing and snuck her hands back on her lap. “I don’t know whether you’d ever believe me, but I’m not usually like that. When I was a TA and got pushed around, I promised myself I’d never do that to another person. I’m not demanding. I’m not pushy. I’m not a bully.”
“But David was, huh?”
It took a long while to work around her too tight throat, but finally Meredith said, “If David were here, he’d tell me how my behavior had more to do with the way I was raised. He’d analyze it to death, all the things my parents did wrong. And maybe I didn’t grow up in the most functional family. But not many people do. I just...I just don’t understand why I let him string me along to the point where I started to lie, manipulate, and bully. I’m so sorry, Erva.”
She softly chuckled, shaking her head and looking at the ceiling. “Oh, Will warned me against saying this, but now that I know you better I’m going to.” She glanced again at Meredith. “You were not good to me, but what I wanted to say was...thank you. If it weren’t for what you did, I would have never known how strong I could be. I would have never met Will, the love of my life. And I wouldn’t have the life I have now—filled with love, support, and every day is a new adventure in so much joy. I never knew life could be this wonderful. Without you, I wouldn’t have any of this.”
Meredith glanced down at her lap again. A wave of shame cutting her so deep she was surprised she didn’t melt into a puddle of self-incrimination right there.
“That probably came out bitchy.”
Meredith shook her head. “Not at all.”
“Yes, it did. You were courageous enough to tell me of your envy, and I say how—”
“How wonderful your life is. I’m so glad it is. You deserve it.”
Erva straightened a little more. “So do you.”
Meredith’s breath caught, while shaking her head wildly. “I’m a thief.”
“You stole my research and called it your own. Even in this time, that’s not a crime. Intellectual property isn’t a firm idea for quite a while yet.”
“It is in our time. And even if it weren’t a crime here, I hate that I did it. I hate that I did that to you.”
Erva held her hand out across the table. “Now that I know more about David, hell, even I understand.”
Meredith continued to shake her head. “It’s not a good enough excuse. Nothing is.”
Erva huffed then slammed her fist against the table. “See, this is where I’m not too sure if I could like you or not. Why do you do that? Your self-flagellation is disturbing to watch. Yes, you seriously screwed me over. But guess what, Meredith? I forgive you. What are you going to do about that, huh? You can’t hang yourself on that cross anymore, because I forgive you.”
“But I made you get me stupid soy lattes.”
“I forgive you.”
“Made you teach my classes.”
“I friggin’ forgive you.”
“I wanted to be your friend; I wanted to talk with you and laugh, but I was horrible instead.”
Erva let out a long breath. “I still forgive you.” Her voice had gone so soft and tears surfaced in her pretty honey-colored eyes. “Now, here’s the real question: when are you going to forgive yourself?”
Meredith silently cried, caving in on herself once more, feeling the words unleash on her more like a tidal wave than anything redeeming. It was so hard to understand.
“I came here to confront you, but also to see about your placement.”
Meredith sniffed. “Placement?”
“Yeah, the muses wanted to apologize for leaving you here so long. They’d be here themselves, but they have a problem they’ve been dealing with the last few months.”
Meredith sniffed again, wiping any remaining moisture from her eyes. “You mean, I can leave?”
Erva shrugged. “They didn’t say anything about that. But since you’re having your
glimpse
—”
“You called it that before. What is a
glimpse
? What do you mean?”
“Well, the way I understand it, is you are brought back in time to help someone, and in so doing they will help you. At least, that’s the way my friend, Fleur, explained it. I never got as clear of instructions myself. Oh, Fleur, she was also flung back in time. Well, we haven’t had much time to get to know each other actually. We’re friends because we’re both academics who had a
glimpse
. But she’s having a hard time with her pregnancy, been really sick, and her husband has been gone a lot. His brother’s been missing, lost in time, it seems. That’s why the muses haven’t been here to check on you. They’re trying to find him.”
“Your friend’s husband’s brother is lost in time?”
Erva’s eyebrows puckered. “Yes. It sounds as complicated as a soap opera, doesn’t it? No, it sounds a lot weirder, huh?”
Meredith bit her bottom lip, not sure what it sounded like.
“Anyway, I’m here to check on you. See how things are going. Have you met the one you think you’re supposed to be here for?”
Meredith immediately thought of Jake. Oh, her stupid heart and mind.
So she changed the subject. “How are the muses looking for the missing man?”
Erva rolled her eyes. “Okay, some of this is even hard for me to digest, and I’ve gone through a
glimpse
. In fact, I’ve visited my sisters in-law twice now in England in 1778, which required more time traveling, obviously. But what I’m about to tell you is...a lot to take in.”
Meredith braced herself.
“Odin stole him and won’t tell the muses where he put the poor man.”
“Odin, the Norse god?”
Erva nodded, stopped, then rolled her eyes. “It’s crazy when you know a muse, let alone two.”
Meredith actually laughed at that. It felt a lot better to laugh than to run screaming outside, pulling her hair, which she might have done, if she hadn’t before. Yes, it was crazy when you knew a muse. Or when they were angry with you, she thought.
“So—so I’m supposed to find someone who needs my help, and then I can go back to our time? When I can go to the hearing for stealing your work?”
Erva’s perfect lips gaped. “I never thought of it like that. But, since it’s just plagiarism—”
“I did serious wrong, Erva. And I should pay for what I’ve done.”
At that Erva finally did touch Meredith, along her arm in a warm hold. “Maybe you’ve already paid, Meredith. I’m sure the muses could think of a way for you to come back and not have to face that.”
“I’d be in muse protective services?”
Erva softly giggled. “Yeah. Sounds good, right?”
“Or I could stay here?”
Erva shrugged. “I’m not going to pretend I know how this works. And the muses were never all that clear with me either. Hell, they’re
never
clear, little tricksters. They gave me this to give to you.” She pulled out a cell phone. “This has some music and books downloaded. I didn’t know what you’d like, so a lot of it is my taste or Will’s. I’m sorry about that. He’s really into the big hair bands of the ‘90s right now. Anyway, it’s charged and will stay that way. And you can call if you need something. Or...if you just want to talk, you can call me. That’s the only number it can call. Me. So to recap, I’m not sure how your
glimpse
works, but I’m fairly certain you’ll have a lot of choices.”
“But to get the choice, I have to first help someone?”
“I think so.”
Meredith’s mind began to whirl. What if she could stay indefinitely? Stay with Jake.
Oh God, who was she kidding?
“Oh, and, Meredith?”
She looked up, after inspecting the smart phone programed with only one number: the woman who should hate her. She swallowed, stealing herself for what more Erva might say.
A playful smile danced across Erva’s pretty face. “You look good.”
“I’m fat.”
Erva frowned. “Seriously, if you could knock off the self-judgmental crap, we’d probably be great friends. You’re not fat. God, you were a teeny stick when I last saw you. Now you’re all...Well, you’re...”
Meredith held her breath, waiting for the ugly words to come out.
“You’re hot, lady. You got this sexy anime thing going on, but with a Western flair. It looks good on you.” Then Erva laughed. Really hard. “The look on your face, Meredith. Yeesh. Hasn’t anyone ever given you a compliment? You’re beautiful. I’m sure you must have heard that before now.”