Cowboy Take Me Away (38 page)

“What about Colt? You left him off your roll call of people who wanna get the hell away from me and my stubborn ways.”

Cord snorted. “Colt gives a shit about two things: pussy and booze. He’ll be the obedient son doin’ whatever you say as long as ranching don’t interfere with his afterhours pursuits.”

Because Colt was easier to work with than Cord, it was also easier to ignore the similarities he saw between Colt and himself.

“I work my ass off. For years I’ve been tryin’ to prove I’m worthy of the almighty Carson McKay’s stamp of approval. But I’m never gonna get it. So I’m done.”

“Done what? Done for the day?”

“No, done for good. Jesus, Dad. Half the time you don’t even bother to listen to me. I think you suffer from old timer’s disease.”

“Old timer’s?” Incensed about the low blow, Carson snapped, “I’m fifty-two years old and a long goddamn ways from old timer’s. Just because what I tell you ain’t what you wanna hear don’t mean I’m some foolish old man rambling about nothin’.”

“Well you can ramble on to someone who gives a shit. As of tomorrow, that ain’t me. I’m gone.”

“Yeah? Where you goin’?”

“I’ll know when I get there. But it’ll be a long way from here.” Cord took off his gloves and threw them on the ground before he stormed off. Then his truck tires spit gravel as he tore off. Again.

Carson didn’t say anything. He just hung up his tack and brushed down his horse. Then to calm himself down and clear his head, he set about straightening the tack room. Carter popped in to let him know he’d finished chores.

He had no idea how long he’d been in the barn until Carolyn showed up. “You missed supper.”

“Sorry. Not really hungry.”

“Carson, honey, what’s going on? Keely tracked you down and said you were throwing stuff and swearing so she ran the other way.”

He said just one word: “Cord.”

“Ah. That’s why he took off like the hounds of hell were on his boot heels.”

“Yeah, well that fits since he all but called me the devil himself.”

That’s when she moved in and wrapped her arms around him. She didn’t say anything, she always knew what he needed, even just a simple touch. Immediately everything was better in his world.

She kissed the side of his neck and purred, “Mmm. Dust and sweat and cowboy. My favorite.”

“I’m a little more ripe than usual.” From angry sweat—not that he’d tell her that. Then again, she probably already knew.

“Come inside. Once you get scrubbed clean let’s see how dirty we can get.”

Carson lifted an eyebrow. “On a Tuesday night with the kids home?”

She shrugged. “Why not? It’s not like they’ll notice.”

Great plan. Things hadn’t been spontaneous between them in a while… His eyes narrowed. “Hey. Wait a second. Is this a pity fuck? You tryin’ to take my mind off me’n Cord havin’ words?”

“Maybe. Besides, don’t you always say a fuck is a fuck? And be honest, you won’t be thinking about anything else when your dick is in my mouth.”

He smacked her butt and she yelped. “Sugar, I love that dirty mouth of yours. Now march that fine ass of yours up to the bedroom.”

The next day Cord hadn’t shown up to work, which left him to do everything by himself since Carter and Keely were both in school. By the time he’d returned home, he’d found his wife staring aimlessly out the window. The breakfast dishes still in the sink, the house a bit messy; she always tidied up after Carter and Keely left.

“Caro? What’s wrong?”

Without facing him, she said, “Cord is gone.”

His gut clenched. “What?”

“He stopped to say goodbye.” Her voice broke on a sob. He went to her to pull her into his arms but she waved him off. “Don’t.”

“What did he say?”

“That he’d had enough. He needed to find his own way. Find a way not to hate you.”

That knocked the breath from his lungs. He reached for the back of the dining room chair to keep himself from passing out. He couldn’t believe it’d come to this. That he and his son couldn’t work this out. Carson figured Cord would go on a bender for a couple of days and things would go back to normal. That’s what he’d done when his old man had pissed him off.

And how did that go for you? How many years did you spend resenting your father until you realized the man wasn’t half the idiot you’d made him out to be?

“Cord told me what’s been going on.”

Carolyn’s voice was quiet and controlled.

“I want you to know that I’m not taking sides. But to be honest, I don’t want to hear your side. I thought—maybe I should say I hoped—that because you dealt with this very thing with your own father over the years, that you’d handle it differently when it came to your sons.”

The silent, unspoken accusation lingered between them. He’d been married to this woman long enough that he knew what she was thinking, almost as if he was inside her head.

You swore to me you’d never have the kind of relationship with your children that you had with your father. And when the boys were growing up, you were there for them, teaching them, encouraging them. But as soon as Cord decided he wanted to ranch with you, you’ve slowly turned into that man. Nitpicking everything he says or does. Rarely listening to his ideas. Reminding him you’re in charge and he’d better fall in line. And I’ve seen you acting the same way with Colton. How long before you chase him away too?

At that point he knew he’d fucked up in the worst possible way. And wasn’t it a kick in the ass that the
doomed to repeat the same familial pattern
stuff that Keely yammered on about from her psychology class wasn’t bullshit; he’d gotten sucked into it because it was familiar.

Yet even knowing that, he didn’t know how to change it. What if he couldn’t? What if his boys ended up hating him because he was too fucking stubborn to admit that he wasn’t the infallible man they’d looked up to? Had that man ever really existed?

He’d never walked away from his wife when she was distraught. But she wanted nothing to do with him so he left the house, choking on a cloud of guilt.

That first year Cord was gone had been rough on everyone. Especially since Cord had joined a fishing crew based out of Seattle and spent months at sea and called home only twice. Carson suffered most of all because he’d had to do Cord’s work and his. Colt, determined to prove his worth in the face of his brother’s defection, worked hard enough for two ranch hands. But it still wasn’t enough.

When Colby realized things were falling apart at the McKay ranch, he’d backed off on his rodeo travel schedule and helped out. But Colby declined to live at home and Carson allotted the funds for Colby to build his own place on McKay land.

Nine months into his personal hell, Carson had swallowed his pride and asked Cal and his sons for help, as well as Charlie and his two oldest boys.

Year two was better. Even though Cord spent months at sea working as a fisherman, he actually called to check in. But he never mentioned returning to Wyoming—even for a visit.

At the start of year three, Cord had called to announce he’d gotten married. Carolyn, who’d kept to her word and hadn’t taken sides, lit into Carson like he hadn’t experienced since his drinking and brawling days. She told him if their son planned to make his home and his life in Seattle, he deserved their support and they’d show it by paying him and his new wife a visit.

So they’d made the trip. Both he and Carolyn had disliked Marla, Cord’s wife, ten minutes into meeting her. If that wasn’t bad enough, Carson knew his son was restless in the big city, living in a tiny apartment when he wasn’t cramped into an even smaller space on a fishing boat. Seeing that allowed Carson to make the apology he’d owed his oldest son.

Over a bottle of whiskey they’d made up and made plans. It seemed too good to be true that Marla was onboard for living in the “wild west” married to a real cowboy. A month after the Seattle visit Cord and Marla were back in Wyoming, living in Cord’s old trailer. But in order to make his wife happy, Cord agreed to build her a house. It’d taken every penny he’d had and then some, and a little over a year to construct the house of her dreams. Then the woman had only stuck it out for a year after Cord had slaved to give her everything she’d wanted. No one had been surprised when she’d taken off or that she’d left their baby son with Cord.

“Mr. McKay?”

He blinked, jolted from the memory, and turned to face the nurse. “Yes?”

“If you want to get ready, I’ll take you in.”

“Thanks.”

Carson washed up, slipped on the modified spacesuit, latex gloves and transparent hygiene mask that protected her, but allowed him to talk to her.

The sound of the ventilator no longer bothered him; it meant she was still breathing. The machines surrounding the bed kept up a steady hum and the occasional blip. He sat on the rolling stool next to the bed. Setting his hand over the top of hers, he squeezed, wishing they could be skin to skin. After this he knew he’d never take holding her hand for granted again.

“Hey sugar. I’m sittin’ here beside you. I know you can hear me. I
need
you to hear me. Come back to me. I need you to know that I’m right here, I ain’t goin’ anywhere.

“My day is a whole lotta waitin’ around until I get these five minutes an hour with you. Since our kids are MIA, I spend that time twiddling my damn thumbs, wondering what’s goin’ through your head. Or I try and watch TV but nothin’ can hold my interest for more than a few minutes.

“Anyway, Kyler visited a bit ago. He wanted to talk to me about what’s been goin’ on between him and Cord. I needed you there so damn bad because you’re so good at that talkin’ it out stuff. I listened mostly, answered some of his questions, but I don’t know if I helped him or not. We’ve always known Kyler is a good kid, but today I realized that he’s special in a way that’ll be tough on his family. Yeah, Cord and AJ are bustin’ their buttons proud of him, but Ky’s got ambition and drive…and after hearin’ him talk today about some of the college offers he’s getting, he’s got the talent. I just wish I could save him and Cord from butting heads over this. Made me wonder how Charlie dealt with Chase bein’ a star athlete. So if it comes to that I might enlist Charlie and Chase’s help in talkin’ to Cord.”

Even on day five, Carson paused, expecting Carolyn to answer.

“Sometimes I look at Ky and can’t believe he’s all grown up. I think about Cord’s pride the night Ky was born, presenting that bundle to us like he was handing us a crown prince.” He let his thumb sweep her knuckles, hating how still her hands were. At home her hands rarely had an idle moment. “Our little Ky. First grandson. Still the same sweet boy though. Said to tell you to get better soon because he misses you.”

The door opened behind him. “Mr. McKay, I’m afraid your time is up.”

He faced the nurse. “Thanks.” Looking at his wife, he said, “Come back to me. I’m right here. Where I’ve always been, where I’ll always be. I love you. Please. Come back to me.’”

Carson walked backward to the door, keeping his gaze on her for as long as possible…

No! Don’t go. Stay and talk to me. I know where I am when you’re here.

Carolyn didn’t always make it to the listening place. Sometimes she’d hear the rumble of his voice, but by the time she surfaced from the murky depths of her mind, silence greeted her. Distraught, she’d find herself sinking back into the darkness, but sometimes, she fought it.

Like now. She wanted that memory. She deserved it.

And then the moment was right there and she jumped into it with both feet…

Witnessing the pride and terror on her oldest son’s face after he emerged from the nursery with a bundle wrapped in blue nearly sent Carolyn into a fit of giggles. Then when he’d handed that squirmy baby boy to his father first, and the look of understanding and acceptance they’d exchanged in that moment had her bawling as much as baby Kyler.

They’d gone home and touched base with their families after being at the hospital most of the day. Aunt Keely was fit to be tied that she couldn’t see her nephew since she was spending spring break in Denver with her Uncle Thomas and cousin Sebastian.

Carson had broken out the good bottle of Irish, and she and Carson toasted the new generation in the McKay family.

After she’d drained a third shot—normally she limited herself to one—Carson picked up her hand and kissed her fingers. “What’s goin’ through that pretty head of yours, sugar?”

“A lot of stuff.”

“Good stuff? Or bad stuff?”

“Some of both, to be honest.”

“Such as?”

“Such as I worry that Marla will continue to be the same aloof, uninvolved woman we’ve seen. Babies are work and any kind of work has always been an issue for her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Cord will be an excellent father; how can he not be with you as an example—” Carson kissed her hand again, “—but he does have major ranch responsibilities. He can’t be Kyler’s primary caretaker. And then I feel guilty for assuming that Marla won’t be a good mother. I’ve tried really hard not to be a meddling mother-in-law.”

Carson sighed. “As much as I’ve been lookin’ forward to havin’ a grandbaby, I’ve wondered how I’d approach this with Cord if it becomes an issue.”

She threaded her fingers through his. She’d always loved his hands, and now they were very much a middle-aged man’s hands. Tough as leather, the skin wrinkled and covered in age spots. She caught him clenching and releasing his fists more frequently. Although he never complained, she knew his joints were stiff in the morning after another day spent in the elements. Sometimes she thought he wore his age on his hands rather than on his face.

Oh to be so lucky.

“Caro?”

She looked up at him. “Sorry. What did you say?”

“Just wondering where this melancholy is comin’ from.”

“Honestly? Thrilled as I am for our son, and as happy as I am to have a baby around to spoil, it makes me feel old. Good heavens, Carson McKay, I’m a grandma! How did that happen? It doesn’t seem that long ago we were young parents. Now when I look in the mirror I see—”

“The most beautiful, amazing woman in the world? Because that’s what I see whenever I look at you.”