woke up to pain. His head hurt more than he could ever remember it hurting before, and he had drunk a lot after the first incident with Mike.
Mike, oh God, he had seen Mike. Something had happened. What had happened?
Jake, where was Jake? He stretched out a hand to either side and found himself alone in bed. He wasnt surprised. Jake would probably never want to see him again.
He turned on his side and felt tears start to form. He should never have come back here. Everything was fine in Wyoming, and he should have stayed there.
The door opened and someone came into the room. He could smell perfume and knew it was his mother.
“Ryan, baby?” She wasnt sure he was awake yet. Then she noticed his shoulders shaking and crossed the room in a few quick steps, kneeling beside the bed so she could look in his face.
“Ryan, whats the matter?” He could hear the fear in her voice, and he wanted to comfort her, but he couldnt. It hurt too much. He couldnt stop the tears rolling down his face. He just shook his head, and she stroked his hair and whispered to him.
“Its okay, baby, I love you, everything is gonna be okay.”
But it wasnt. Nothing was going to be okay, ever again. He couldnt do it again, going back to running, feeling lost, being alone. He couldnt help it, he just sobbed harder.
He heard more footsteps and felt the bed sink behind him before he was gathered up into strong arms, his head tucked into a warm neck, and a voice he thought was lost to him forever in his ear.
“Hey, hey, whats going on?” Jake kissed the top of his head and rocked him gently, desperate to calm him down.
Ryans hand came up to grab the front of Jakes shirt while the other one snaked around his waist, trying to get as close to his boyfriend as possible.
Jake kept kissing his head and stroking his back, whispering in his ear over and over again. “Im right here, Ryan, I got you, I love you.”
Ryan finally calmed down enough to see that his mom was sitting on the bed beside him, rubbing his arm, while he was still held tight against Jakes chest. His head was throbbing, and he was so thirsty, but he didnt want to move.
Jake reached over to the table and grabbed a bottle of water, along with some pills.
“Here, take these and a little water.”
Ryan put the pills in his mouth and swallowed a little of the water. It was ice cold and heavenly.
“Now, can you tell me whats going on? Why were you crying?” Jake reached up with a tissue, wiping the tears from Ryans face.
Ryan spoke quietly, almost ashamed of what he was saying. “I thought you were gone. I woke up, and you werent here, and I thought you left me here.” His voice broke a little, and he had to stop and breathe for a second before he could go on. “I wouldnt have blamed you. You dont need this, need me.” His head hung down in defeat.
“Oh, Ryan, Im so sorry, baby. I just went to get you those pills and some water. I didnt think you would wake up so soon.” He put his fingers under Ryans chin, forcing him to look up into his eyes.
“I love you, Ryan, and Im not going anywhere without you, okay?” He stroked a thumb across Ryans cheek and smiled at him, his face full of love.
“Can you remember what happened, Ryan? When you were with Mike?” Beth was speaking quietly, but he could hear the anger in her voice.
Ryan closed his eyes for a second, trying to remember through a fog of alcohol and the pain in his head.
“I remember Jeff.” His voice caught again, so he squeezed Jakes arm harder, finding the strength to continue. “And leaving and getting to town. I went to Chainsaws, because I knew it was the kind of place I belonged.”
Jakes heart was breaking at the self-loathing he could hear in Ryan voice. He was about to say something when he heard Beth speak up.
“Ryan, you dont belong there, and I dont want to hear that coming from you again, understand?” Her tone brooked no argument, and Ryan nodded, but Jake knew that Ryan didnt agree with her.
He kissed Ryans cheek and was gratified at the small smile he got.
“I started drinking.” He looked at his mother before lowering his eyes in shame. “I drank there a lot back then, when it first happened. I had fake ID then, and its the kind of place where they dont check much. And then I looked up, and he was there, staring at me. There was a weird look in his eyes, and I wasnt sure what it was at first.” He looked up at Jake and relaxed a little as Jake smiled at him.
“He sat down beside me and started talking. Told me how much he missed me. And he was sorry for lying, and wished he could take it back.” The tears where running down his face again, and when Jake looked at Beth, he could see the anguish in her eyes as her son broke apart in front of her.
“I wanted to believe him, Jake, I did. I needed to, so that I could believe that I wasnt a bad person anymore, and even if he didnt tell anyone else the truth, at least I knew, right?” His breath was coming in sobs now, but he kept going, needing to get the poison out of his soul.
“He said his dad would have killed him if he would have told the truth, and I knew it was true, I had seen his face when his father looked at me, like I was less than shit, because I was gay.” Ryans voice was shaking, and so was his body, but Jake just wrapped himself further around his love, letting him do what he had to do.
“Then he touched me. He put his hand on my leg, and it was almost okay, and then I looked up into his eyes and saw that look again. And I knew what it was. He wanted me, and he hated himself for it.” Jake heard someone breathing in the doorway and looked up to see Jeff standing there, with Paul behind him. Jake shook his head quickly, letting them know to be quiet.
“I knew I had to get out of there, and I needed to get back to you, Jake. God, I wanted to see you, and I stood up to leave, and he grabbed my wrist.” They both looked down reflexively at Ryans arm, and Jake hissed a little at the dark bruise on the tanned skin. He lifted it up and kissed it gently, getting a small smile through the tears.
“I told him to let me go, and he just looked at me until I said people were staring, and he dropped my arm like it was diseased. I told him to leave me alone and walked away. I headed out the back because I had left my phone in the truck, and I wanted to get it and call you, but I guess he followed me outside.” He closed his eyes again, trying to gain some control over himself.
“He started yelling at me, calling me names, faggot, pussy, stupid stuff. He asked me what the hell was wrong with me, did I think I was too good for him? He grabbed me again when I wouldnt answer him and shoved me against the wall. And when I hit it, I stumbled and fell, and he was standing over me, and I was so scared. Jake, he was so much bigger, and I was so drunk, and I should have fought harder, but I was so scared.”
He was crying too hard to talk anymore and Jake just kept holding him, trying to give him his strength. He looked up at the doorway again, and Jeff was still standing there, hand over his mouth, tears in his eyes. His father stood behind him, his mouth set in a grim line. Jake would bet anything that Jim was there, too, just out of sight, listening to every word. He looked at Beth, and tears were falling unashamedly down her face, her hand stroking through Ryans hair.
After a couple of minutes, he was calmer, and he knew he had to finish telling it.
“He had his hand on my shoulder, pushing me down, and it hurt, and I tried to pull his hand off, but I couldnt.” Jake knew there would be a bruise under Ryans T-shirt, too, but decided he would wait for privacy to check on it. He just kept kissing his hair and the side of his face, tasting tears on his lips.
“Then he said that, while I was down there, I could finish what he started all those years ago. He laughed, saying it was so easy to turn everyone against me, have everyone believe that the perverted little homo tried to force himself on him. And he was right, Jake, he was. Even people who should have known better, known me better, believed him, and it was easy.”
Ryans voice was flat, almost emotionless now, and that was way scarier than the tears and the despair.
“And then I was tired of fighting, and all I could do was sit there and cry like a useless baby and let him do what he wanted, because it just didnt matter anymore. Because he was right. The truth didnt matter, because everyone just seemed to want to believe the worst of me. People I knew my whole life, who I loved, who were supposed to love me, they believed, and nothing I said ever made a difference.”
They all sat there in silence for a minute or two, the only sound that of heavy breathing and the occasional sob from Beth as she held Ryans hand and cried.
“And then you came, Jake, you found me and saved me again, and I was so glad to see you. Like my own guardian angel, only, you should have left me, because it doesnt matter what I do, no one is gonna believe me, ever.”
“I do.” The soft voice came from the doorway, and the three on the bed all turned to look, seeing the tears running down Jeffs face. He took one step into the room and stopped, not knowing what to do.
“I am so sorry, Ryan, I was so stupid. I knew it wasnt true, always, I did. But it was so hard, and so many people treated me like crap because I was your cousin, and I should have just told them to shut up, they didnt know what they were talking about, and I did at first.” He took another step closer.
“But I got tired, and weak and stupid, and so I went along with it, just to fit in, but I shouldnt have. And I am so sorry, Ryan. I didnt mean what I said.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I hope someday you can forgive me, Ryan. I didnt want this to happen, to cause you more trouble, and I have really never, ever been ashamed that you are my cousin, but I think maybe you should be ashamed of me.” He turned to walk out the door, but a quiet voice stopped him.
“Jeff?” He turned back and saw Ryan sitting there, crying again, but a small smile was on his face, one arm still hooked around Jake, the other held out in invitation. He took it.
In two seconds he had thrown himself on the bed and let Ryan hug him, both of them crying but happier now that they had said what they needed to.
Ryan smile mischievously before speaking. “This keeps up, Grammas gonna have to put a bigger bed in here.”
Jake couldnt help it, he started to chuckle, and it was like a domino effect. Soon they were all laughing, and the aching in Ryans head was starting to ease a little.
“Im sorry, you guys. I didnt mean to cause so much trouble, guess you will all be glad to get rid of me tomorrow, huh?”
Beth glared at him, but Jake spoke first this time.
“Ryan, theres something you need to know. About Mike.” He could feel Ryan tremble in his arms at the name, and it made him angry all over again.
“When we got to you last night, some people came out of the bar and saw what was going on. One of them was an offduty policeman. He wants to file charges, Ryan, assault charges against Mike.”
Ryan shook his head. “No way, Im not, no one is gonna believe me. Theyll just think its payback for what they think I did.”
A throat cleared at the door, and they all looked over again to see Chief Margo Ramsey standing there with Jim.
“Ryan, we are filing charges against Mike, it was witnessed by too many people not to. But theres something else you should know.
looked at the chief with trepidation before nodding. “Mike says hell plead guilty, but only if he talks to you
first!”
“What? No way, he is not talking to that animal.” Beths
voice was the first to ring out but not the only one. Jake and Ryan looked at each other, and Jake knew
what he was going to say. He nodded and held him tightly. “Ill talk to him.”
His mother gasped, and Jim and Paul were shaking
their heads, but Jake squeezed his hand and urged him on. “I need to talk to him. I need to hear what he has to say.
For me. I need to know why and how he felt it was okay to
treat me this way. It may be the only chance I get.” He was shaking but determined, and he knew that Jake
supported him.
The chief looked at him shrewdly before nodding. “Can you come to the station in about an hour? I need
to get your statement anyway, and then you can speak to
him, okay?” Her voice was firm, but her eyes were kind, and
it made Ryan feel better. He nodded, and she turned and left. Ryan looked around at the faces of the people he loved
and was a little overwhelmed by all the support he found
there.
He took a deep breath and smiled at them before
speaking.
“Could I have a few minutes? I want to talk to Jake
before I go and shower and get ready to go.”
Beth was reluctant to leave, but Jim took her hand,
ruffled Ryans hair, clapped Jake on the shoulder, and
steered her out the door. Paul wandered down the hall,
leaving Ryan, Jake, and Jeff together.
“Ryan, Im just… I want….” Jeff was strangling on his
words in the effort to get them right.
Ryan laid his hand over Jeffs and squeezed.
“Its all right, bud. I get it. I forgive you for being a kid
who has a lot on his mind and who has taken a lot of shit
that wasnt his to take.” He hugged Jeff again, who looked at
Jake nervously, but Jake just smiled and stuck out his
hand.
“No hard feelings?” Jeff accepted the handshake
gratefully and got up to leave. He turned back one last time. “Ryan, if you ever need backup, I mean, I know you
have Jake, but if you ever do, call me up. Ill be there, I
promise.” He looked so earnest that both guys smiled at him,
and Ryan nodded.
“Thanks, Jeff, and now shoo, unless you want to watch
me kiss my boyfriend.”
Jeffs face turned red up to his ears, and he started out
of the room but called back over his shoulder, “Ah, heck, its
not that bad.” And the sound of his chuckles followed him
down the hall.
Ryan relaxed back against Jake and took comfort from
the long arms wrapped around him. Jake kissed him on the
temple and just let his head rest against that beautiful blond
hair.
“Jake, you understand, dont you? Why I have to do this?” He was still shaking a little, but he knew he could get through it if Jake was behind him. “I dont love him anymore, you know that. At least, I hope you do, but I need some answers to my questions, and hes the only one who can give them to me. I wont talk to him, if you dont want
me to.” He looked everywhere but at Jake.
Jake just nuzzled his face into his hair a little more
before kissing his cheek softly.
“I understand, Ryan. You need closure. If this is how
you need to do it, Im all for it.”
Ryans voice was quiet. “Will you go with me?” Jake just grinned. “Try and stop me, babe. Now, get
your ass up and into the shower. We have places to be.” Ryan started to get up but turned back to kiss Jake
gently on the lips before pulling back with a smirk. He
backed toward his dresser.
“You sure seem fascinated with my ass, Evans.” “Its a nice ass, Andrews.”
Ryan looked at him and raised his eyebrow. “Just nice?” Jake leered at him. “How about spectacular, gorgeous,
and magnificent?”
“That might be a bit much, Jake.”
He was still smirking when Jake crossed to him in three
quick steps, snaked his arms around him, and grabbed his
ass with both hands, pulling them flush.
“Im pretty damn sure that I meant what I said, Ryan.” He leaned in for a soft kiss that was quickly heating up
into something more.
Jake finally pulled back and slid his hands back up to
Ryans waist. “We dont have time to get carried away right
now. Rain check?”
Ryan rested his head on Jakes chest for a second,
taking a deep breath before pulling away and grabbing his
shower stuff. As he headed for the small bathroom attached
to the bedroom, he slid his boxers down and gave Jake a
quick glimpse of that perfect ass before calling out, “I am
gonna hold you to that, Evans!”
Jake groaned as he heard the shower start. Ryan was
gonna be the death of him, he just knew it.