Crash Ride (25 page)

“Megs, this isn’t on you. Do you hear me, this isn’t on you.” My feet pushed out of the chair and I sat on the bed, my hand rubbing circles on her back as I tried to comfort her. The pain I’d had before, nothing on what I had now. It killed me that she owned it, like she was in some way responsible.

“I’d changed my mind, Troy. I really did. I wanted our baby and I was sorry, but it wasn’t enough.” She pulled her hands away from her face and looked at me. Her tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes nailing me in place. “God, I’d do anything right now to feel sick again. I would have my head in a toilet all day long if I could just have the baby back. I don’t care how fat I get. I don’t care how our lives are going to change. I just want…”

“Come here.” My arms wrapped around her as she shuffled up the bed, her head buried in my chest as my T-shirt got wet from her tears.

“I wanted our baby. I really did.”

“I did too.” My eyes once again fought the tears but I needed to keep it together. “I love you, Megs. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” She whimpered against my neck as I stroked her hair.

“Marry me.” I’m not sure why I said it and I knew that putting it out there wasn’t what she needed right now, but the thought of her not being my wife was tearing me apart. For me—what we had—was as real as it got, and going through life without her wasn’t an option. Not now, not ever.

“But there’s no baby now, we don’t have to get married.” Her big blue-green eyes were wide as she shook her head.

“Wanting you to be my wife had nothing to do with the baby, and everything to do with not being able to live my life without you.” I tipped her chin, needing her to really look at me. “That hasn’t changed.”

“We were worried that our relationship would be complicated, but every step of the way has been crazy, Troy. We don’t have the best track record for easy.”

Complicated, crazy —none of it mattered to me. “Where’s the fun in a smooth ride? I’d take crashing and burning with you than easy with someone else.”

“I just can’t right now.” Her lip wobbled as I wiped her tears.

“I know, and I’ll wait, but I’m not walking away.”

Forever, I’d wait forever.

The curtain pushed open again, Tom filling the space with his hands still gripped tight around the fabric.

“Hey, Megs, sorry to interrupt. Mom and Dad are here.”

Megs nodded at me him before she looked up at me. “Can you wait outside? While I talk to my parents.”

“Megs, you don’t have to do this by yourself. We can talk to them together.” It wasn’t just me manning up, I didn’t want to bail—not yet.

“I know, but I would rather do it by myself.” She laid her hand on my chest and gave me a weak hug.

No matter how much I wanted to stay in that room, I couldn’t find it in me to say no to her. “Whatever you want, sweetheart. I’m just going to be outside.”

Walking back through the corridor, the space filled with activity. Bodies crashing into each other, doctors and nurses talking over each other but it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t met our baby yet; I still felt the loss all the same.

I pushed through the door that led out into the main waiting room of the E.R., some of the same people were there waiting for their turn. The blond-headed kid I’d blown off was still there too, his ball cap pulled down to cover his eyes.

Seeing him got me thinking of what an asshole I’d been. He wasn’t to know my world had been fucking falling apart. He was probably looking for an autograph or a photo or five minutes of my time. I’d have punched the SOB who spoke to my son the way I’d spoken to him.

“Hey, kid, I’m sorry about before. It was just a really bad time for me.”

My apology was bullshit but it was the best I could do, nothing would make up for being a total cock. My head hadn’t been right but I never should have pulled that shit. The kid was maybe sixteen? He had no idea that he had just picked the wrong time to talk to me.

“Oh, it’s okay. No it’s fine. I’m sorry.” He pushed his cap back, his Cons kicks tapping nervously on the floor.

“No, it wasn’t fine. No matter what I was going through, I shouldn’t have bit your head off like that. I was a complete asshole and I’m really sorry.” I took the seat beside him.

“I overheard you.” He took a swallow and nodded. “You and Dr. Winters lost your baby?”

Hearing it didn’t make it easier the second time. I didn’t know what to say, saying the words out loud weren’t an option.

“I’m not going to tell anyone, I swear,” the kid quickly added. “I didn’t even know she was dating you, honest.” He stopped, clocking me with an eyeball, his voice shaking so much I couldn’t help but know he was scared. “I was with her. It’s ’cause of me.”

“What are you talking about?”

None of it made sense. This kid being with Megs or thinking he was the reason why in seven months I wasn’t going to be holding my son or daughter.

“She’s my shrink. I’ve been such a fucking shit.” He pulled the cap off his head and rolled the bill nervously his hands. “I’m just mad a lot, you know? I’d come and talk and I didn’t mean to but I always ended up giving her a hard time. I’d cuss her out even though she was nothing but nice to me. We were in a session, and it just happened. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know.”

Fuck. No one deserved to see that, let alone a kid. On top of that, he was thinking that his problems were the reason Megs had lost our baby. It was a mess I honestly didn’t know how to fix but I needed to try. Megs would have known what the say, I owed it to her to at least try.

“There’s nothing you could have done, nothing any of us could have done. It didn’t happen ’cause of what you guys talked about, sometimes bad shit just happens.”

He concentrated hard on his cap in his hands, not lifting his eyes from their mark. “Bad shit happens a lot in my life. It follows me around, like a curse.”

He was way too young to be battling those kinds of demons, way too young to be carrying that load. Were all the kids Megs saw like this? How was she able to do it and not have it mess with her head? In that moment, I fell in love with her all over again.

“What’s your name kid?”

“Brad. Brad Hemsworth.” He flicked his eyes sideways to me.

“Brad, I’m not a doctor but I can tell you that there is no way you had anything to do with what went down.” I had a feeling that talking to him was probably breaking all kinds of rules— but it was one small thing that I could do, hopefully it would make a microscopic difference. “I’m sorry shit isn’t going right for you, but Dr. Winters—she really cares. She’s changed my life, if you give her a chance she can change yours too.”

Brad nodded like he understood but I had no idea if any of it stuck. A fair-headed lady with a panic stricken face bolted toward us from the opposite end of the room.

“Brad! Honey, we’ve been searching the whole building for you.” Her hand gripping her handbag so tight her knuckles had turned white.

“I just wanted to make sure Dr. Winters was okay.” Brad shoved his cap back on his head, his eyes nailing themselves to the floor.

“I know, sweetie, but you shouldn’t have run off. I was scared half to death.” She looked it too; her fingers twisted her wedding ring nervously as she stood in front of us.

Brad lifted his head and gave the lady a good look at his face. “Mom, I’m sorry.”

“That’s —That’s alright.” The lady looked shocked, like maybe she hadn’t heard it in a while. Her eyes doing the mist over as she looked at her boy. “We should go home now.”

Brad stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets as he shifted on his feet. “Hey, I know I’m not supposed to contact Dr. Winters outside of my appointments, but can you tell her— tell her I won’t be a shit anymore.”

“How about I tell her you said hey, and that you’ll be looking forward to the next session.” My version was the only version Megs would be getting.

“Yeah, that will do.” Brad gave me a nod as he looked to his mom.

“Take care, Brad.” I shoved out my hand, the kid clapping it with his own.

“See ya, Troy.”

The mom looked on nervously, not wanting to rock the boat as we said our goodbyes and I watched them leave.

My ass sunk back into the seat and I started my game of hurry-up and wait. If I had to sit there until tomorrow, then that’s what I’d do. Eventually she would have to come around and let me in—the alternative was just too hard to take.

Dr. Blake wheeled me
back into the room where my parents had been waiting. I was still a little groggy from the anesthetic, but the added meds they had pumped into my IV had taken the pain away. The pain in my body, that was, the pain in my heart was still there.

“Megan, as long as you have someone to stay with you over the next twenty-four hours, there’s no reason why you can’t go home.” Notes were scribbled onto my chart, ones that probably said the “clean up” was all over and I was no longer pregnant. It was over so quickly—done, finished.

My dad was doing a horrible job at being discreet, trying to read over poor Dr. Blake’s shoulder. “Of course, she can come home with us. Either myself or her mother will be with her the whole time.”

It didn’t matter that I was a grown woman; my father would always want to take over. He didn’t do out-of-control, he wanted everything nice and neat —organized. Something I wasn’t right now, and didn’t aspire to be.

“Dad, don’t take this the wrong way but I want to go to
my
home. It will be easier for me to get back to normal in my own surroundings. Whisking me off and putting me into my childhood bedroom isn’t the answer.” Neither was pretending what happened, didn’t just happen but I didn’t bother vocalizing the last part.

“Darling, you’ve just suffered a trauma and you need time to heal. I think it’s best you are around medical professionals who are able to care for you.” My mother moved the hair out of my face, her eyes filled with worry.

“I don’t need medical professionals, I’m not sick —I lost my baby. I know everyone is tiptoeing around the words but that is what happened. Calling it a trauma doesn’t make it easier, so please don’t fight me on this. I think that I am more equipped than anyone to make the decision on what’s best for me.”

“Well, I’ll let you guys sort it out, shall I? As long as you promise me you won’t be alone, I’ll sign your release papers.” Dr. Blake looked over at us from his chart, no doubt wanting to avoid the drama of our family politics. Can’t say I blamed him—at that moment— I wanted out too.

“I won’t be.” I promised Dr. Blake who gave me a nod and walked off. Hopefully to fill out the paperwork so I could go home.

Tom pulled the curtain across filling the space that the doctor had just vacated. What do you know? It was Grand Central station in my little cubicle.

“Megs, Troy is still outside and he looks terrible. Can I put the guy out of his misery and let him back in?”

Troy. I had shoved him out of my room when my parents had arrived and then a nurse had come and wheeled me to the O.R.

He’d been here the whole time? I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, he’d said he wouldn’t leave but it had been so long. I assumed he would have gone home.

I’d lost our baby and then told him to leave. He must hate me. If I was him, I sure would.

“He’s been waiting the whole time?” It was stating the fucking obvious but it came out of my mouth anyway. To be honest, I had little control over what I was saying or feeling. My heart almost bursting that he was still here, for me, despite me sending him away. No man had ever loved me like that.

“Yeah, in the waiting room. He hasn’t left.” The corners of Tom’s mouth slightly curled at the edges. The smile he gave to soften the blow when regular smiling wasn’t appropriate. I wondered if they taught that in medical school? I sure as hell hadn’t mastered it.

“Please let him in.” I nodded to Tom and then turned to my parents. “Dad, Mom. You can go, I’ve got it from here.”

“Megan, are you sure, sweetie?” The protest already started to bubble in my mother. “We can stay, or give you a ride home?”

“I can take her home.” Troy moved into the crowded space, his face tired and drawn. He looked destroyed. I had done that. That look was there because of me.

“Hi, Troy.” My mother rubbed his arm gently.

“Hi, Mrs. Winters. Mr. Winters.” He answered robotically but didn’t move any closer.

“Well, alright but if you need us for anything, just call. Day or night, just pick up the phone.” My dad admitted defeat and gave my mother the we-should-go look. I silently thanked God they weren’t going to fight me on this.

“Thanks.” Please don’t cry, please don’t cry. “I love you both.” I didn’t even attempt a smile—I wasn’t delusional enough to think I’d be able to pull it off.

“We love you too.” My mother blew me a kiss with my dad ushering her out of the cubical.

“I need to get back to patients, Sis. If you need anything, just buzz.” Tom also excused himself, giving Troy a nod on the way out.

“Troy…” What to even say? I was coming up a blank.

“Megs, please. I know you are hurting right now but please don’t shut me out. I lost our baby too.” He moved quietly to the chair beside my bed and sat down. There was an unmistakable sadness in his face.

“Do you hate me? I assumed you left. It’s been hours.”

“Why would I hate you? I told you I wasn’t leaving and I’m not. My place is here, with you.”

“Because…” I couldn’t finish. How many tears could one person cry? Surely I’d exceeded my limit, not that my leaky eyes had received the memo.

“Megs, I love you.” He was out of his chair and up on the bed before I’d had a chance to wipe away the tears, cupping my face in his hands. “I really, really do, and nothing is going to change that. What happened is no one’s fault. I’m mad as hell that it happened, but not at you, never at you.”

“Will you stay with me tonight? Will you hold me?” I didn’t care how desperate I sounded. I was desperate, desperate for this ache in my chest to stop.

His mouth gently brushed against mine. “Always.”

****

The time alone back at the apartment had been horrible, we both cried and held each other, but most of all we talked— really talked. Nothing was off the table and in some ways, it was almost liberating.

“You know, we never talked about kids before and then I was pregnant.” My hands were tucked under my pillow as I faced him.

“I want kids, Megs, not like a basketball team, but I want a family. What about you?” His pose mirrored mine; his face just inches away.

“I want two.” It was late and I was tired, but I didn’t want to stop talking.

Troy smiled and gave me a nod. “Two’s a good number, makes riding roller-coasters easier.”

“You can’t decide the number of kids you have based on that.” The smile teased at my mouth.

“Sure you can.” He threw some further conviction behind his voice before he continued. “You try going to Disney World with an uneven number, someone is missing out.”

“I can’t even argue with that logic.” How could I argue? It was adorable, even if it was somewhat crazy.

“Because you know I’m right.” He grinned; probably pleased I hadn’t been able to come up with a counter argument.

“Moving on, Troy Harris.” I waved him off casually. It felt good to be talking about normal things again, both of us even managing a smile. The guilt wasn’t lurking too far away as I tried to shove it to the back of my mind and asked another question. “Did you have pets growing up?”

“You mean your detailed Google search didn’t give you that information?” His grin got wider as he raised an eyebrow.

“Shut up.” I gently shoved his chest. “You make me sound like a stalker.” Besides, I hadn’t Googled him in a
really
long time.

“Nah, stalking is more like watching me through my bedroom window, so unless you did that…” He left his sentence trailing, waiting for my response.

I winced, giving him a guilty smile. “Well.”

“Megs?”

“I’m joking.” I laughed, amused by the slight concern that was on his face. “I’ve never watched you from your bedroom. Although I totally would have done it but— you know— you live on the top floor of your building, and hiring the abseiling equipment would have raised too many questions.”

“Okay, it’s my turn.” He shuffled closer, his hand resting on my hip. “Did you always want to be a psychologist?”

“When I was younger I wanted to be one of the ladies on the high-wire at the circus. They looked so glamorous in those sparkling costumes.” I sighed remembering my childhood fantasy.

“Let me guess, you had issues with your balance?”

I fell over one time and the man assumes I’m a klutz. “No, smartass. I found out you had to live in a trailer.” I grimaced. “Ughhhh.”

Troy barked out a laugh and it was too hard not to join him. It felt wrong to be happy but also kind of right. We hadn’t forgotten what happened, but we were finding a way to be okay with it.

“I have a question.” It had been something I had been curious but hadn’t ever asked.

“Well go on, it’s not like you to hold back.” He smirked, clearly loving our session of truth or dare.

“So that first night you met me, it was pretty clear what I thought of you, but what did you think of me?” My heart pounded as I waited for him to respond.

“I was kind of pissed you were so drunk.” He answered honestly with a little shrug.

Well, that had been unexpected. I was thinking he was going to go with I thought you were annoying or maybe—in my fantasies—I thought you were so incredibly sexy. But pissed because I was drunk? There had to be more to it than that.

“Because I was all over you and fell over?”

“No, because it meant that if I tried to kiss you, I would feel like a complete scumbag.” His voice was low and so very sexy as his smile curled at his lips.

“You wanted to kiss me?” Had I heard him right? That night when I’d wrapped myself around him like a boa constrictor, he had wanted to kiss me?

“I wanted to do more than just kiss you.” He moved his mouth closer to mine. I guess to give me a visual interpretation seeing as I seemed to be having trouble with his words.

“Woah!” My hands pushed against his chest in surprise. “Define more.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Megs, seriously?”

Oh hell yes, seriously. He wasn’t getting out of it that easily. “No, no. You have to answer. I confessed about my secret aspirations of being a trapeze artist; you need to come clean, bubby.”

“Fine.” He took a breath before he continued. “I wanted to take you home and have sex with you. That dress you were wearing wasn’t doing a very good job at keeping that hot body of yours under wraps, and watching your beautiful red lips calling me Troy Harris made me instantly hard. The car ride home was brutal; your legs were in my lap and I could totally see your panties. In my head I’d fucked you three times before I’d gotten you settled in your apartment.” His are-you-happy-now face waited for my response.

“It’s probably warped and twisted, but knowing you wanted me back then really excites me.” And made me feel like less of a pervert for having been so obsessed with him. It was reassuring to know it hadn’t been one sided.

“Well, I did. The first time you called me, I had a hard-on for hours. And the time I picked you up from your Christmas party after you drunk-dialed me, yeah that was another fun night,” he mused sarcastically.

“Oh I remember that, I wanted you to kiss me so badly.” And hadn’t I almost begged for him to sleep with me? Ugh. Not my finest moment. Thank God, the memories are fuzzy. There is bliss in ignorance.

“Trust me, one of the hardest things I ever had to do was say goodbye to you that night, and you sure weren’t making it easy for me.”

Yeah, obviously my suspicions had been correct.

“Good.” I smiled; it pleased me to know he had been just as sexually frustrated that night as I had. “I’m glad you suffered.”

“Well I’m glad my
suffering
stopped.” He nipped at my shoulder before kissing my neck.

He had been so gentle— affectionate without trying to turn it sexual. It’s like he could read exactly what I needed.

“It feels like a lifetime ago.” Or more, so much had changed during those months.

“It kind of was.” Troy shrugged. He was right, it was. We were different.
Things
were different.

“So where do we go from here?” We couldn’t go back to the way things were. That never would have worked.

“Where ever you want to go, as long as it’s together. I can’t lose you; I think we’ve both lost enough.” He held me tightly; there was no doubt in my mind that he would never let me go.