Crashing Back Down (13 page)

I shook Walker awake. When his eyes opened, he jumped a little. “I’m sorry Mags, I didn’t mean to.” He looked around for a second with a confused stare on his face, and then it melted into panic as words started to babble from his lips. “Can I just take it all back? Be friends, just friends again. I can’t lose you, Mags! I don’t care if I am in the friend zone forever.”

I put my hand on his cheek and stared into his handsome face, chills of longing running through my body. It had been so long since I had felt that way, longing for a man’s touch. All I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms, but the words that came out of my mouth were mature and foreign to me. I couldn’t believe what I was saying. I hadn’t made a decision yet, I was so calm, my voice even. “Walker, I’m just not ready for a relationship … for any of this, to be honest. And you were Randy’s best friend. This isn’t right. There can never be anything between us. I’m sorry.” My head fell and I stared at the white comforter bound up in my grasp.

Walker’s head fell and his shoulders slumped, his voice weak and defeated. “I will go pack my things then. I really am sorry.”

I sat up quickly, terrified he might leave. My heart pounded and my palms started to sweat. “You’re not moving out are you? Please don’t leave. I need someone in this house with me. I can’t handle another person leaving!”

His face changed slowly from solemn to elation. “I’d never want to leave you. I just didn’t want to overstep my bounds.” He leaned up to get out of bed, grabbing my hand to kiss it. “I’m going to clean this mess up and wash the smell of the bar off of me. I have plans tonight, but let’s have breakfast in the morning as a fresh start. Wipe this nasty old slate clean.”

I looked up into his wide, bloodshot green eyes. It was clear he had been crying while I slept. I couldn’t help but wonder the true reason behind the tears.
Did he really want to be with me?
All I knew was that I could not stand the thought of losing someone else right now. “A fresh start sounds wonderful, Walker. I think we need one.”

Walker’s pained expression transformed into a loving gleam as he trotted out of my room, carrying our uneaten breakfast. At the thought of food, my stomach started to grumble, having not eaten anything all day and puking last night. I grabbed my phone, knowing that some girl time was definitely needed at that point.

I dialed Cali, and, luckily, she was free. We made plans to have a late lunch and then spend the rest of the early evening pampering ourselves. It was going to be a perfect little escape that I desperately needed. Definitely better than my original thought of falling into a bottle of wine and chick flicks, locked up alone in my room, hiding from my almost mistake hook-up with a roommate.

I climbed out of bed and started fumbling through my drawers to find something to wear. Cali always made it a point to dress beautifully and I was not in the mood to hear her complain about my “boy” clothes. I finally settled for nice white linen shorts and a dark teal tank top. While I was brushing my teeth, my bedroom door opened.

“Mags?”

With toothpaste still swimming around in my mouth, I called back to Cali, “In here!”

She bounced into the bathroom with a giant lit up eyes. “I’m glad you called, Kyle is being a douche. Ever since he started working nights again, he has just been a grouch. I think we should get him a trashcan to sleep in while we’re out.”

I giggled at her frustration while gargling mouthwash. Cali crossed her arms around herself and popped her hip out, sizing up my ensemble. “You look very nice, Mags. I’m proud of you.” Her lips curled into an approving smile with her words.

“Thanks,” I perked up from spitting out my mouthwash, smoothing out my clothes dramatically, taking her hand. “Come on, I’m starving.”

Hand in hand, Cali and I made our way down the stairs, passing Walker in the kitchen. He was still cleaning pans in the sink, wearing my neon pink rubber gloves. Looking up from the soapy water, he whistled at us. Cali tugged at my hand, disgustedly barking, “God, Walker! You’re such a freaking pig.” Then, turning her enraged eyes right to mine, said, “How the hell do you stand him!”

I looked at her innocently and shrugged. “I think he’s funny.”

Walker, holding himself up with the counter, was uncontrollably laughing. “Come on Cali, you know it’s just because you’ve always had a thing for me. Admit it! You’re just pissed that you’re married and can’t do anything about your desires.” He winked at her and headed upstairs to his room.

Cali gritted her teeth, sneering and pointing at Walker as she made her way to the front door. “Don’t even flatter yourself!”  With that, we were out the door and I could still hear Walker carrying on with his amusement.

I attempted to laugh off the awkward situation, but Cali was too pissed to let it go. We climbed into her car and she slammed her door shut, taking a deep breath in through her nose and then letting out an exasperated grunt. “He just gets under my skin sometimes. Sorry, Mags.”

I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, “It’s all good Cali. I know how you two are. We have all been best friends for years. Time flies, doesn’t it?”

She started the engine and pulled out of my driveway. A slight relief fell over me to be away from the awful situation I had found myself in that morning. But, in the back of my head, I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t shoved Walker away in the doorway of my bathroom.
Uh, his lips felt better than I had imagined, God damn it! Why the fuck did I have to enjoy it?

C
ali and I made our way to our favorite burger joint in town.  After long nights of drinking, we always nursed our hangovers with a little hair of the dog and a heart attack on a plate. There was no better cure for the brown bottle flu than beer and grease, in my opinion.

We pulled into Charlie’s after the short ride, singing at the top of our lungs to everything on the radio. Our favorite seats, right in the middle of the bar, were free and we happily filled the creaking bar stools. Without even having to ask, Todd, our regular bartender, walked over with two drafts and set them down right in front of us, after wrapping napkins around the glasses just the way we liked them. “Well, aren’t you two just an amazing sight for sore eyes. Haven’t seen your gorgeous faces in God knows how long!”

Todd was wearing a tight-fitting pink and white striped button down like usual, always willing to wear anything that screamed, “I’m gay, get the fuck over it!” His jet-black hair was a little longer than I remembered, but uniformly messy like always. Todd had been too skinny, shaped just like a stick figure.

The first time the five of us all met Todd felt like yesterday to me. It was the afternoon after a bonfire party that the boys’ fraternity had thrown. It was Cali’s and my first time ever experiencing hunch punch and it was not a good morning for either of us. We both had a great time at the party, from what we were told, and slept in Randy’s bed that night. We apparently kicked him out of it, making him sleep on the floor.

Cali and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangovers we had ever experienced.

Walker and Randy had been going to Charlie’s since their freshman year, and knew it would be the perfect cure. The guys had to practically drag us out of bed; Randy actually had to carry me to Walker’s truck. My memory of that morning was a little fogged by the booze that had still been floating through my system, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Randy’s arms was so comforting and addicting to me from that moment on. Making our way out of the fraternity house, we saw Mitch curled up on the couch in the giant foyer. Walker talked him into joining us and from there the tradition of Charlie’s was born.

Cali grabbed her beer, holding it up waiting for me to 'cheers' her. “It’s been too long, Todd. How the heck are ya?” Cali’s bubbly voice had finally returned from her frustration with Walker, and I was glad her mood shifted back to the normal perky best friend I desperately needed.

Todd leaned over, putting both elbows on the bar. “Oh you know, same shit, different day.”

Cali’s and my glasses clanked together and I took a satisfying sip of the sweet Orange Blossom Pilsner. “Oh Todd, you always remember!” The wonderfully soothing orange honey bubbles tickled my taste buds, softening my jumbled mind and voice.

“How could I not?” He gawked, using dramatic hand and arm movements as he lisped perfectly, it was so cliché and one of the best things about him. Todd was proud of who he was and never hid it from anyone. “You two used to be here every other day back in college!” A few more bar patrons took seats a few down from us, and Todd excused himself silently to tend to them, rolling his eyes as one of the men snapped his fingers to get Todd’s attention. I gaped at the obnoxious gesture until I saw Todd kiss the guy right on the lips. Cali and I both giggled at the sight, and turned away to give them a little privacy.

“We haven’t been here since before I got the news about Randy.” The realization hit a little softer than usual. Maybe I was starting to heal, or maybe I was just numb from emotion, I couldn’t really tell. Surprised, and thankful the wind hadn’t been taken out of me, I took a deep breath and continued my thought. “Cali, I never believed I would be a widow at twenty-four. When Randy shipped off even, it never dawned on me that this could have been in the cards for me.”

She sighed and put her hand on mine. “Yeah, I know. But it’s life, love. Randy knew how dangerous it was going to be. He’s right here helping you through it, you know that.” Her soft smile was so comforting, I simply couldn’t stand it. I knew she was right. Randy always tried to prepare me for the worst when it came to his decision to join the Army. I just never let it sink it.

“I can hear him now: ‘Hey kid, smile! Like it or not, you’re gonna be stuck with me, even if I’m a ghost.’ Man, he was so morbid sometimes.” I grabbed my beer and chugged the entire thing. Todd popped back over with a new OBP for me, asking if we were having our usual burgers to eat, and we both nodded. After putting our orders into his computer, Todd engulfed himself in a deep conversation with his new flavor of the week, always glancing over at our glasses to make sure they weren’t getting anywhere near low.

Desperate to change the subject, Cali leaned over and sighed. “How’s the new roommate?”

I shrugged, staring at the painted bar, not knowing how to answer that question which Cali getting furious at me. I felt color burning my cheeks as the words started to form slowly. “Walker is great. It’s awesome to not have to be alone.” I sipped my thick beer, hoping the cool liquid would lessen the crimson flaring on my face and neck. “It’s only been a day. So, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” My lips betrayed me and turned up into a toothy smile. I failed horribly at forcing it to go away.

With a questioning eyebrow raise, Cali’s voice got rigid, like she could see right through me. “Why do you look like you’re hiding something, Mags?”

Cali knew me better than anyone, and I was not going to be able to keep my actions from the night before or this morning secret for long. So, with a little bit of reluctance, I told Cali about the cause of my hangover and what happened that morning.

Cali’s face went from calm to startled, her jaw hanging wide open as she blinked a few times.  But to my surprise, Cali sat, listening to my story silently until it was over. “So
do
you like Walker?” Her words were dripping with disapproval and disappointment. She sat up straight in her chair, gripping the backrest and bar top with all her might, restraining herself. She looked like she was about to try to smack sense into me, thankfully, she didn’t.

“I really don’t know. I didn’t think so.” Nervously, I started to fumble with the soggy coaster my beer had been sitting on. Right in the nick of time, Todd came over with our two monstrous, jalapeno cheddar bacon burgers. I was so thankful for food and the distraction from my story. I had no clue how I wanted to feel about Walker, and was not ready to figure it out. I was scared to have feelings for him and scared not to. I was completely torn.

Every instinct I had was telling me there was no way I could, with good conscience, have feelings for Randy’s best friend. But there were little butterflies in the pit of my stomach while talking about him to Cali. Confusion was becoming all too familiar to me, and I hated my feelings and confessions more and more as the words dripped out.

We both put smoky barbecue sauce on our burgers, and Cali picked off her pickles, putting them on my plate. Tossing the pickle chips into my mouth, relief to be eating and not talking swam into my grumbling belly. Facing reality was pushed off for a little while longer about my house guest, and if he would become more.

But Cali had other plans for our conversation about my situation. She was going to make me figure everything out right then and there by the look in her eyes.

“Well.” She was looking up at me still holding her burger with both hands, barbecue sauce on her chin. “You are going to need to figure this one out soon. How was it, kissing him?”