Dexter and Phoebe stood at the door with their coats on.
“
She’s not sick,” Phoebe said with a pout.
I smiled with a little less force this time. I wasn’t an expert on kids, but it seemed like Phoebe liked me.
“You don’t have to go, Dexter, really. Stay. Let’s eat. I’m famished.” I walked over to Phoebe and took her coat off.
“You’re sure?” He eyed me, and when I stood and unbuttoned his coat, he smiled softly. “Okay.”
I turned back to Phoebe, lifting her in my arms. “Your daddy is going to cook and we girls are going to watch a movie!”
She shrieked in delight and when I picked up my remote, I asked her if she wanted to watch a Christmas movie. She nodded and we decided on the classics, starting with
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
. Every so often, I would look back to see how dinner was faring and would catch Dexter watching us. I supposed the polite thing would be to see if he needed help, but I was sure he got a kick out of watching us interact and would turn me away anyway. He announced that dinner was ready in the middle of
Frosty the Snowman
, so I told him we could eat in the living room area. I didn’t have utensils for a child, and I could only hope Phoebe wouldn’t stab herself or others.
Dinner was delicious and Phoebe was an angel. Sure, she pouted and stamped her foot when it was time to go, earning her a stern look from her father, but that was normal.
Right?
I had no clue.
Dexter ran his fingers through my hair, something I’d always missed, and kissed my cheek.
“Tonight was wonderful. Kind of makes you think….”
“Of what could’ve been,” I finished, blinking.
“Of what can still be,” he corrected. Always the optimist.
I shut the door behind them with a quiet moan.
Maybe
it was too hard to say no because I wasn’t supposed to.
I turned off my television and headed to my bed. I was nearly there when I saw the white box poking from beneath it. I slid it out, running my fingers over the top.
Don’t open it, Noa. Don’t spoil a great night.
I’d almost done it. I’d almost let myself be happy. I slid the unopened box back under and crawled into the bed, curling in a ball. I didn’t cry myself to sleep that night, unlike many nights before. It was Phoebe’s pretty laugh that kept me from it.
Chapter
28
I
looked over my latest project, a series of paintings that were close to my heart. I was reverting back to my older techniques with this one, building off of the paintings I’d done as a teenager. Miranda loved the idea, and so we worked on it. Her on the business end, me on the art end. She’d taken down the paintings Dexter brought in, and I looked at them propped up against the walls of my studio. I turned on my phone, and it chirped almost instantly.
What are you doing this weekend?
I loved that he knew to text me. I hated phone calls. Rarely did I answer them, especially calls from unknown numbers.
Probably sitting around, wondering what you’re doing and dodging my boss. When we’re working on a project she tends to turn into a very scary lady.
I set my phone down, and sure enough, someone knocked on the door.
“You can’t be hounding me yet, Miranda,” I said easily as I opened the door. Her face was grim, and I could see black smudges of makeup under her eyes like she’d been crying. “What is it?”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you this over the phone. The hospital said they’d been calling you.” She stepped inside and closed the door behind her.
“Noa, honey. Tim is dead. Your mother was with him. She’s unconscious.” She pulled my hands in hers but I yanked them back, feeling like if I didn’t touch her, she wasn’t there. And if she wasn’t there, this wasn’t real. I grabbed my phone, looking down at my latest text.
Want to spend Christmas with Phoebe and me?
Can’t,
I typed, Tim is dead. Heading back home.
Not thirty seconds later, he responded.
Meet you at your place in an hour. We’ll fly out together.
How was I supposed to react to this? How could I even tell him not to help me when I knew I needed it? I blinked and inhaled. All I was capable of was blinking and breathing for a few minutes.
“I’m so sorry,” Miranda whispered.
“Don’t apologize, please.” The tears weren’t coming yet. I was in shock. My mother? Fuck my mother. But Timothy was one of the sweetest people ever. Sure, when he was drunk, he was prickly and rude. And that had been a majority of the time growing up. But as I became a woman, he kind of became a man. And our relationship was finally a solid one. He was the only decent person I could call mine. “Take me home?”
We walked out of the studio, and she locked the door for me before placing the keys in my shaking hands. The waiting black BMW was so shiny that I saw my shocked face reflecting back to me. I ignored it and got in. After pushing through traffic, we made it to my building and I hugged Miranda tightly, telling her I’d be back as soon as I could.
“You take your time, darling,” she whispered, kissing my cheek.
I climbed out and looked up my building before unlocking the front door. I didn’t sigh over the contraption of an elevator. I didn’t get annoyed when it took several tries to get my door open. Once inside, I dropped my things and sat on my couch. Apparently I’d been sitting there for a long time because I was still there when someone buzzed in.
“Who is it?” I asked with a monotone flatness.
“Dex. Let me up.”
I immediately hit the unlock button. When he stopped at my floor, I ran out of my apartment and
jumped
on him, making him drop his bags. He wrapped me in his arms, hitching me higher so I could wrap my legs around his waist. When he squatted down to pick up the travel luggage he’d brought, I thought for sure he’d drop me. I only briefly remembered his bad knee. But he made it inside, kicking the door shut and dropping the bags again before placing his cold hands on my body.
“I’m sorry, Blue. I know you loved him. Do you know what happened?”
I shook my head.
“I haven’t listened to my voicemail, I haven’t done anything. I waited for you.” I tucked my head in the crook of his neck, kissing the skin there. I was so grateful he’d come straight to me when I needed him. He’d known I needed him. In a way, it was starting to heal me.
“I’m here. Not going anywhere. Shall we?” He set me down and pulled a laptop out of one of his bags. “I booked the flights on my way over. You have a printer?” I nodded and led him over to it. He made quick work of linking his computer to it and I grabbed my phone, playing my messages on speakerphone.
The first one was an old one from Tim, insisting he’d come to visit for Thanksgiving. He hadn’t. I tried not to cry.
The second one was Tim apologizing for not coming on Thanksgiving but promising he’d be here for Christmas. He wouldn’t. I didn’t try not to cry. I sobbed like a baby. It didn’t freak Dexter out as much as I thought it would.
The third was from the hospital, stating that there’d been a fire and my brother was dead upon arrival but that they were doing everything in their power to save my mother. I wanted to throw my phone, but I didn’t.
All of these things I did and didn’t do. And Tim was doing nothing.
“
Our flight is in three hours. You have to pack,” Dexter announced, breaking me from my morbid spell.
I was in a haze as I threw things together. I looked down, realizing a pair of shorts had made their way into the pile. I dumped out the suitcase and Dexter walked over, picking up the items that would be appropriate to wear in the cold.
Finally, my bags were packed and I was bundled up. I managed to lock the front door quickly enough and we got into his car, his driver still waiting for us. We reached the terminal a short time later and were going through the motions. Security checked and double-checked, and we waited for the flight to board. I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he ran his fingers through my hair.
“You don’t listen to music anymore?” he asked. I looked up at him in confusion. What an odd thing to mention now.
“Why do you ask?”
“Because I think it would be good for you.” He stroked his fingers up and down my arm. “I don’t know, when you listened to music, you had this peace about you. It settled you. Ralph was a lot like you when it came to that. You both had a sincere love for it.”
I settled deeper into his arms. There was definitely something to be said for the comfort of being with someone you used to love. Someone you still loved. While it was new and exciting, it was still like home. Like the time I forgot about that white dress in the back of my closet last summer. I wore it and it was like new, especially to everyone else. But only I knew the secret of that eighteenth summer and falling in love at the lake house before it all came crashing down.
“I guess I let that love go,” I whispered.
There was an announcement over the intercom and Dexter stood, picking up our things. I followed him,
numbly
showing the stewardess our tickets before we headed into the hall leading us to the plane. He stowed our carry-ons while I got comfortable in the window seat. In a few hours, I’d be in the place that bore my most unfortunate days. Dexter settled into the seat next to me and took my hand.
“Aunt Tracey will be so excited to see you. And I heard Ralph is visiting too.”
He was trying to cheer me up. It was working. I smiled softly and looked out of the window. Before I knew it, I was asleep.
•••
The plane shook as we hit the runway. I ran my hand over my yawning mouth. I looked over at Dexter, who somehow slept through the turbulence. I shook him lightly and he woke up slowly, some sort of happiness tugging his lips upward despite him not being all that conscious.
“What’s got you happy?” I asked.
“I’ve pleased an old friend,” he whispered and placed his warm hand on my neck, bringing me in for a quick kiss.
“You’re insane.” The plane stopped but we had to wait before we could exit. My eyes were on Dexter, always on him whenever he was around. Even after that small nap, he was pretty. Meanwhile, my waves were likely a mess and I bet I had drool marks or gunk in my eyes. Because life wasn’t fair that way.
“‘She hardly knew at times what it was she feared, and what she hoped for. Whether she feared or desired what had happened, or what was going to happen, and exactly what she longed for, she could not have said.’” His eyes didn’t stray from mine, not for a moment, as he recited the words I’d read a million times since high school. It was exactly what I was experiencing since he’d
kicked
down the walls I’d spent years building by bumping into me at a restaurant.
When I remained silent, looking away and down at my hands, he turned back to face forward. His next words were so quiet, I felt myself lean toward him to hear them.
“‘All he wanted now was to be better than before.’” This one caught me by surprise. I wanted to tell him he couldn’t be better. I wanted to say he’d been the best and that was why he was still the person who had complete control over me. That was why I fought myself time and again between being upset and angered over our past and letting myself fall back into the love we once had. Instead, I sat back and remained quiet. Better to save those words.
The stewardess announced our arrival and we began to depart the plane. My heart was heavy in my chest as I entered the building. The last time I was here, I’d gotten on a one-way flight to Seattle, prepared never to return again. Tim paid for that flight, giving me all of the money from his savings and bidding me farewell. I stumbled at the thought, accidentally dropping my carry-on. Dexter’s hands were quick, one snatching my bag from the ground, the other steadying me. I righted myself, smoothing over my sweater, and when I reached for my bag, he caught my eye.
“Everything’s going to be all right,” he said as our fingers connected when we exchanged the carry-on from his hand to mine. I cleared my throat and we moved forward, heading to get our luggage.
A half hour later, we were outside in the snow waiting for Dexter’s rental car.
“Where am I staying?” I asked. It was embarrassing that we’d gotten this far and I didn’t even think about the minute details that were surfacing now. How would I plan a service for Tim? Who would I invite? What would I have to do about my mother?
“
You’ll be staying with me. At Aunt Tracey’s,” he said as he gathered our things. When the minivan pulled up, Dexter apologized, telling me it was the only decent one available. But I didn’t care. I opened the passenger door as he shoved our things inside and got in the driver’s side.
“I don’t think I can go back.” I peeked over at him, expecting anger or frustration. After all, he’d covered every single detail of this trip while I’d simply spaced out.
“If you’re worried about my aunt, don’t be. She’s always loved you. No matter what. If you’re worried about…everything else, you don’t have to be, Blue. I want to do this with you.”
I wanted to scream. It was too much.
“This is too fast. It’s too much. I feel like I can’t breathe and you’re just
everywhere
, Dexter.” The tears that I’d held back, that I couldn’t feel, came out of nowhere. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. “I’m back in this place and Tim’s dead. The only decent human being that I’m related to is gone. And you’re sitting here and you’re perfect,” I swallowed, catching my breath, “you recite
Anna Karenina
for God’s sake, and all I can think about is how I can’t freak out. I shouldn’t freak out. But really, I’m counting the moments until you’re gone again. And you can’t promise that you won’t because we went through that already! You made plans, we gave each other everything, and you still left me.”
I tried to push the door open but Dexter grabbed me, pulling me close.
“Do not make me shake you again, Noa, because I will.” He reached over and locked the door. “If you get out of this car, I will only chase you and when I catch you, it won’t be pretty. Sit there and listen to me while I drive to Tracey’s. She’s expecting us for dinner.”