Ralph, for all of his roughness around the edges, was keener than I thought.
Chapter
3
C
hanging Dexter’s life for the better shouldn’t cause you to feel any guilt. He’s gone.
I blinked my eyes open. I was remembering something—the tail end of a conversation. It was like I was walking away while someone was still speaking.
I shook my head to clear the words that weren’t mine. Regardless, I did feel guilty. I didn’t know what plans Dexter had made with Becca. She seemed pretty invested. After she stormed out of the room, she came back, apologized tightly and left before Ralph could drum up a joke at her expense.
My aunt spent the night again, this time curled up in a chair. I looked over at her, the morning sun catching her hair. Her hand was tucked under her chin, and she seemed to be frowning in her sleep. The door opened, and I was greeted by a face I was beginning to look forward to seeing.
“Morning, handsome. How was Carla?” Sessie’s honest smile made me return the gesture.
“She was nice. But I still prefer you,” I said as she took my blood pressure.
“Compliments this early in the morning? I could get used to that. How’s the pain today?” Her eyes looked me over, checking the bandages on my knee.
“I’m fine, Sessie. No need to fuss over me.” I looked over at my aunt. While she had only changed her position slightly, her eyes were open, watching the interaction between Sessie and me, a small smile on her face.
Sessie’s eyes followed mine. “Oh, you must be sore, Ms. Andrews. Didn’t Carla bring you a blanket?”
My aunt sat up blinking and shook her head.
“
Well, next time let me know when you’ll be staying and I’ll bring you a cot and a blanket,” Sessie said with a smile. Always smiling. “Now, Dex, breakfast should be here soon. I’m told you may be leaving tomorrow. While it breaks my heart to see you go, I know you have plenty of other hearts to break outside these walls.” She winked. She said she’d be back to check on me in a few hours and closed the door gently behind her.
“Good—”
“So—”
We laughed together at the awkwardness between us. Ms. Andrews’ laughter seemed forced, but I didn’t care. It was better than all of the crying she’d been doing.
“Go ahead,” I said.
“Oh, no. I was going to ask if you needed anything else.” She ran her fingers through her hair, attempting to straighten it.
I couldn’t continue on with this conversation until I knew our past, how she felt, and what I’d done. What Dex had done.
“Was I very bad to you?” Her eyes widened and her lips parted slightly.
“Uh,” she stammered, “I mean, you were going through a hard time. I’ve made mistakes. We both have. But you’re eighteen, Dex. So, I understand when you took your frustrations out on me. Sometimes the hardest part about being there for someone is having to love them through their worst. I didn’t mind being your punching bag—emotionally, of course—because, at the time, you needed to lean on me.” She walked across the room and sat at the foot of my bed. “Don’t ever feel bad about that. You have enough to feel bad about as it is.”
“I feel like…I don’t even know how to put it. I think this is a new beginning for us. I should’ve treated you better. There’s no excuse.” I couldn’t take back all of the bad Dex had given her, but I could change it now.
If
I was changing Dexter’s life in a way that made things better, I couldn’t feel guilty for it. If I was going to do this seriously, find her, the one I’d come back for, I had to do it right.
“I’m breaking up with Becca,” I said, looking up at my aunt, trying to gauge her reaction. It was a moment of truth for me.
“That might be for the best, Dex,” she said. She looked relieved.
“That seems to be the general consensus. Is she that bad?” It wasn’t as though her answer would change my mind, but something in me had to know. What kind of future would I have if I stayed with Becca? What kind of future had she seen with Dexter?
“Eh.” She frowned. “She’s a little dramatic, which I’m sure you noticed. She hangs around, neither good nor bad. Just there. I never cared for her, personally. Never thought she was
for
you. Do you know what I mean? After everything you had going on, I wanted things to be great for you. At the very least, if you were going to date, I wanted it to be someone a little…more. She isn’t that for you.
“Did you want to brush your teeth? I can help you,” my aunt said, already standing to help me up.
I grunted with every move that jostled my leg. The bandages were tight around my swollen knee, and I sighed with relief when I plopped down into the wheelchair.
She wheeled me into the small bathroom, grabbed the toothbrush, smeared a line of toothpaste on it, and handed it to me, all with a smile on her face. Even when I hadn’t seen it, I’d felt it.
“You seem happy,” I said around the foam in my mouth when I caught her eyes in the mirror. I doubted she understood what I said. Her peculiar stare confirmed it.
When
I looked at my reflection, I was jolted again. Not only was my reflection a stranger, but its hair was everywhere. Lying in bed all day didn’t do the chin-length hair any good. My aunt caught my facial expression and chuckled, pulling the hair out of the rubber band Sessie had provided and tying it up with an elastic that had been on her wrist.
“There. All better.” She tucked the shorter strands behind my ear. “I hope you never cut your hair. It’s so lovely. Reminds me of your dad’s hair. He used to wear it like this too.” She smiled but there was too much sadness behind it.
I spit out the froth in my mouth. “You were his sister?”
She nodded and took the toothbrush from me, putting it away and turning so I couldn’t see her wiping her tears.
“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t fix anything. I still didn’t know her or her brother who had raised this person I’d become. Dexter Andrews: the boy with a past he didn’t remember. The boy who was only a shell now, a home for someone else to live in.
I felt selfish. I’d taken over Dex’s body…just to find her.
And there wasn’t a guarantee that I would.
“I know,” she whispered, wheeling me back into the room and helping me get into the bed.
“Do we have any other family?” I hadn’t heard of any grandparents or other siblings. I figured if there were any, they would’ve come by now.
She shook her head.
“My parents are long gone and your mother was adopted. Her adopted parents weren’t very nice people. No siblings. You’re it,” she said slowly.
I ate my breakfast without saying another word. I figured that, at the end of the day, Ms. Andrews would
rather
have a troubled nephew who knew his parents than a pleasant one who didn’t remember anything. I also figured that, if I tried hard enough to keep her happy, she’d forget all of these things.
•••
Becca looked at me with doe eyes meant to win me over. It had likely worked on Dexter because she could turn it on before I even realized I was being targeted.
Once I told her I was breaking it off, she was sugary sweet rather than spitting the venom that I sensed brewed beneath. Something about her wasn’t sincere, and it irked me. I looked at her hands, finding her acrylic nails annoying as they tapped on the bed frame. She was looking at me like I was a conquest. No sincerity, just ownership. The more I pushed her away, the more desperate she became.
I didn’t know why. Who’d want to be with someone who couldn’t remember them? And the way she reacted, it wasn’t like she loved me. She wasn’t even crying.
“I know you lost your memory. But we can work through that. You can remember. And—and if you don’t, we’ll start over; make new memories…please, Dex, baby, don’t end us before we’ve even had a chance to begin.”
Ralph was right about her voice…focus
. I had to stand firm. I wasn’t here for her. I was here for…something real. Something that I couldn’t live without.
“Becca, I have too much going on right now to make you a priority. I don’t even know you. Why waste our time when I know you aren’t it for me?” I realized how harsh the words sounded after I’d already said them. Becca changed tactics, going from warm and sad to cold in a second. There was that venom.
“Really? I’m not
it
? You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said with a sneer, as if she couldn’t believe I’d say something like that.
I
shrugged. “I’m not wasting my time anymore. I don’t remember how D—I used to do things, but this is how I’m doing them now. Which is why I can’t do this with you. Maybe we wanted the same things at some point, but not anymore.”
“Whatever, Dex. Don’t come crawling back to me when you remember everything. I was good to you. I wasted so much time—”
“Oh, come on, Becca.” Ralph pushed through the door, his cheeks ruddy. “You wasted so much time trying to sleep with my teammates while Dex was lying in a hospital bed.” He crossed his thick arms over his chest, daring her to deny it with a tilt of his eyebrows.
She started to speak and then huffed, flipped her hair over her shoulder, and stomped out of the room.
“And
that’s
why no one wanted you two together.” He pulled a chair from against the wall and dragged it beside my bed before sitting in it with an exhale.
“Next time, tell me. Here I was feeling guilty over it.” I removed the hair band from my hair and ran my hands through the strands before pulling it back into a small bun. I could only hope that I’d gotten it all.
“Why? You went from being on top of the world to being on your back. I didn’t think she’d end up on her back as well, but…it’s all for the best. I can find plenty of girls who’d be willing to help nurse you back to health,” he said with a grin.
“Ah, nah. I don’t know if I was into that before, but I definitely don’t think I am now.”
If there was ever a moment where I doubted that notion, I only had to think back on my conversation with the Angel of Death. What I felt was strong enough to beg for a second chance and to hold on when all my mind wanted to do was let go.
“Why not? You’ve got these babes drooling over that little man bun and the scruff on your chin.” At his
words,
I scratched my chin smugly. He snorted. “You look like you should be reading fucking poetry, not off being a computer whiz.”
I blanched. “A computer whiz? I don’t know anything about computers.”
“Things change,” he said with a wave of his hand. “At least you won’t be going to Massachusetts anymore.”
I groaned. This was getting complicated. “What’s in Massachusetts?”
“You were looking into going to some computer school there. Waiting on an early acceptance.” He looked up at me. “You look like you’re about to lose your shit, Dex. Don’t.”
“Don’t? I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I can’t just pick up Dexter’s life and move on like nothing.” I hadn’t realized what picking up a senior in high school’s life would entail. I was still figuring out the who’s of his life. I hadn’t even tapped into the why’s and how’s.
“It’s not ‘Dexter’s life,’ man. It’s yours. And you can do whatever the hell you want.” Ralph’s volume was increasing, and I knew he was getting annoyed.
I sat up, ignoring the radiating pain in my ribs at my sudden movement.
“I don’t know whatever carefree bullshit you’re trying to feed me, but I can’t live like that. I can’t be an eighteen-year-old high school student with nothing going for me except a bum knee and the idea that there’s a girl out there who was
made
for me.” I tried to hop off of the bed on my good leg only for it to buckle beneath my weight. I scrunched my face against the pain as I went crashing to the floor. No matter how many times I’d practiced taking steps and walking up a few stairs with my physical therapist, I wasn’t strong enough yet to do it on my own.
Ralph’s arms went around my chest, pulling me up with ease and setting me on the bed. His hands
grabbed
at my arms, shaking me momentarily until I looked up at him, pain causing me to lose focus.
“Wake up, Dex. You don’t have a choice! But you—man, you aren’t doing this alone. You think I have a
clue
what I’m doing after graduation? Stop making me feel like shit.” He walked away from me, pacing the room. “I already have plenty to feel shitty about.”
I sat back, breathing out in huffs. I was glaring at Ralph when Sessie walked in.
“What’s all this, now?” She rushed over to me, helping me lie back on the bed. “Ralph, you can’t get Dexter riled up. He’s on a lot of medications and is in a great deal of pain. You boys had better be on your best behavior in this hospital.” She strode out and came back in, syringe in hand. I ignored the prick of the needle piercing my skin. The moment the drug hit me, I wanted to vomit.
“Shh. It’ll pass. Lie back now.” I looked up at the door a second after it closed behind Ralph.
I sat up again, wanting to follow him out.
“No,” Sessie said, her voice stern. “You need to calm down and so does he.”
“He’s the only one I
know
, Sessie. What if he doesn’t come back?” I looked away, not wanting to be pitied.
“He’ll be back. He’s just hurt is all, the poor guy. He loves you. Bawled like a baby in the waiting room over you. He’ll be back.” She stood, waiting for me to speak. Finally, she spoke again. “Want to talk about it?”
I shook my head. I heard her light steps and, before I could stop myself, I asked, “What do you think happens when you die and come back to life?” I looked at her, standing in front of the door, her smile easy, like I’d asked her a simple question.
“You become a miracle. Which is exactly what you are, Dexter Andrews.”
Chapter
4
I
would not place you in a situation you could not overcome. Don’t forget, I was supposed to deliver you to your maker.
Waking up was an uphill climb. I felt myself begin to surface, but I tried to remain under. That moment of bliss when I understood my consciousness before I actually knew my life, Dex’s life, it was something I’d continue to live for. I wanted to prolong it for as long as I could.