Craving Absolution (10 page)

“
Farrah!” Casper’s angry voice cut me off, and it was the impetus I needed to snap my shield of complacency back into place.

I stood silently, getting my emotions in check
as he walked around me. Thank God he’d come in when he had, before I’d really lost my cool and did something stupid. I almost sighed in relief as I waited for him to back me up, to stand up for me, but as he stepped close to Brenna and glared at me, my heart sank.

“
Take those fucking sunglasses off. What the fuck?”

No.

No.

And just like that,
I was done.

I reached up and pulled
my shades off, calmly folding them and tucking them into the neck of my shirt before I raised my eyes to his face and looked right through him.

Fuck him and fuck her and fuck the entire thing. I
’d been so worried about how much I’d let him see in the last week, my shields dropping more and more as I desperately tried to reinforce them. I really should have thanked him because he’d finally done what I couldn’t. He’d built them back up for me. Standing there in Brenna’s kitchen, I was once again a blank slate, my armor fully in place.

His eyes grew wide with comprehension.
“Farrah—” he whispered.

“
Thank you for inviting me over,” I told Brenna coldly, my eyes meeting hers. “But I just remembered I had something else planned today.”

With a small nod
of concession in her direction—she’d won, after all—I slowly turned and walked back out the back door. They would not see how bad it hurt for him to take her side, especially right after I’d told her that I was more important to him. I was an idiot and I’d let her get to me. Damn it, I’d let them both get to me.

I
’d never let it happen again.

I
returned to the backyard and made my way toward the women, catching Callie’s stricken look when she saw me. I shook my head at her. She needed to fit in with these people; I couldn’t pull her into the drama.

“
Gram, can I use your car?” I asked woodenly, stopping next to her. “I need to get out of here.”

Her worried eyes
searched my face, glancing between me and the house before she answered me.

“
Sure, baby. I’ll go with you,” she replied.

Gram
rose from the chair before I could stop her, and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Slider and his wife walked out the back door with Cody and Brenna.

“
I wanna go
now
, Gram,” I told her under my breath.

T
hen I called out to Will across the yard. As anxious as I was to get away from there, I couldn’t leave him without saying good-bye. He came running toward me dripping from the kiddie pool and I swung him up in my arms, unconcerned that his wet shorts were soaking my clothes.

“
Hey, Wilfred. I’m gonna go, but I’ll see you soon, okay?” I said, rubbing his nose with mine. “Be good.”

We left without any
fanfare; the group watching us go without a word, assuming I was dodging Slider. I let them think it. But the truth was, I could have faced him. I could have made nice, been respectful to his wife who probably hated me, and kept things civil. As long as I had Cody there, I was sure I could have done it.

It was
n’t Slider I was running from as Gram drove us home; seeing him had actually seemed pretty anticlimactic. It was Cody that I had to get away from. He hadn’t said a word to me as I left the house, ignoring me completely as he’d chatted with the guys.

All of it
was too much for me—the bloodstain on the porch, the bullshit with Grease, Brenna thinking she could warn me off, Slider showing up, Cody’s giant fuck-you as he’d sided with his little girlfriend. I wasn’t equipped to handle it, so I shut it down.

Fuck him. I didn
’t need this shit.

Farrah

When someone started pounding on my door later that night, I was expecting it.

Gram had taken me to a discount store on the way home from the barbeque, using some bullshit reason that she needed to stop. She’d ended up buying nothing, which hadn’t surprised me, but I’d come home with a new and inexpensive kitchen table and a shit ton of other household goods.

I
’d felt better as we left the store, anxious to get my things home and start setting up, and I was pretty sure that had been Gram’s plan. She’d set out to distract me and it had worked, but only a few hours later I was done washing my new dishes and putting together my furniture, and the distraction had worn off.

So I sat down in one of my new chairs to wait. I
’d been there for almost an hour when he finally showed up.

“
Hey,” I said, swinging open the door and taking a step back as he reached for me. “Come on in.”

“
What the hell happened, Farrah?”

I made my way to the table, the only furniture in the
apartment aside from my bed, and sat down, motioning him to the chair across from me. I didn’t want him close; I couldn’t bear for him to touch me when I felt so raw.

Cody
looked puzzled as he took in my newly furnished kitchen, but quietly sat down, leaning forward on his elbows to watch me closely.

“
Brenna asked me what game I was playing,” I started softly, knowing that sentence would grab his attention. “I hadn’t known what she was talking about at first. When we got there, it seemed like everything was fine. We’d arrived as a couple and I assumed that everyone would respect that.”

“
Farrah—”

“
No, let me finish,” I said, cutting him off. “I didn’t know what she was talking about until she mentioned you going to the club last night, complaining about me.”

“
That’s bullshit!” His chair slid out from behind him as he stood from the table, anger tensing the muscles in his neck and jaw. “I didn’t even see Brenna last night, and I sure as fuck never complained about you.”

“
It doesn’t matter, Cody!” I raised my voice above his ranting, my face a blank mask of serenity. “Can you just sit down?”

“
I didn’t say shit, Ladybug, I swear to God. I wouldn’t do that,” he replied adamantly as he sat back down.

“
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you said anything.” I looked down at the table, trying to focus. The next words were harder to say than I thought they’d be. When I looked back up to meet his eyes, he was staring at me in disbelief.

“
She asked me what game I was playing, and I didn’t understand it at first, but now I do. We
have
been playing, playing at a relationship, playing house, playing like this could actually work. It was reckless and stupid, and I don’t want to play anymore.” I swallowed hard, hoping he wouldn’t notice. “I fold.”

“
No, fuck that. No. You don’t,” he said.

“
I’m done.”

“
Because you got in a fucking fight with Brenna? That’s why you don’t want to be with me all of a sudden? That’s bullshit, Farrah!” he shouted. Then he grabbed my brand new ceramic fruit bowl from the center of the table and threw it against the wall.

I watched it shatter, barely flinching at the noise before I stood.

“If you’re going to throw a tantrum, could you do it somewhere else?” I asked flatly.

“
Why are you being such a fucking cunt? I didn’t do anything wrong, Farrah! I’m in love with you!” He reached across the table and grabbed me by my arms, pulling me over it as I scrambled to find purchase with my bare toes. “I’m in love with you,” he repeated softly, his face close to mine.

“
I’m sorry for that,” I whispered back.

It was a direct hit,
just as I’d known it would be. His eyes widened for a moment, but instead of the resignation I’d been expecting, something else filled his gaze. He took a step away from me, running his hand over his face as if to calm himself. After a few deep breaths, I watched in panic as his eyes narrowed to slits and he reached for me again. He wrapped his hands around my arms in a gentle but uncompromising grip as his lips pulled back in a menacing grimace.

“
You love me,” he whispered harshly.

“
Of course I do,” I told him sincerely, trying to defuse the situation. “I love all of you. You’re my family. You guys took me in—”

He shook m
e once, barely restraining himself, and leaned down into my face. “Bullshit. You’re in love with me. Don’t even try that shit. You want me to be your man so much you can
taste
it. You want me inside you, wrapped around you, sleeping in your bed.”

“
No,” I whispered. This wasn’t going how I’d planned, and I felt tears of frustration burning my eyes. Why couldn’t he just leave? I didn’t want to argue, I just wanted things to go back to how they were before. Safe. Calm. I needed him to leave so I could start to put my life back together.

“
You’re so fucking afraid of your own shadow, you can’t see what’s right in front of you,” he said.

“
Fuck you, I’m not afraid of anything,” I argued, my hackles rising even though I knew there was truth in his words. I realized he was getting to me, he was doing what I’d sworn just hours ago that I wouldn’t let happen again.

My mask, cracking and peeling but still intact
, fell back into place. “You need to leave.”

“
I’m not going anywhere, Farrah,” he replied, letting go of my arms to take a step back. “I’m gonna grab something to eat and head to bed, and you’re going to come with me.”

The mask slipped.
“You’re insane!”

“
I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in this situation acting even remotely normal.” He chuckled dryly, pulling his T-shirt over his head as he walked toward the fridge.

I was stunned.

He was
laughing
at me. It was too much. The mask dropped completely.

“
Get the fuck out of my apartment!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, my face turning beet red and the veins in my neck bulging. “Get out!”

He didn
’t move from the kitchen, but spun back toward me with a calculating look. “It looks like zombie Farrah has left the building.”

“
Get out!” I screeched again, the tears I’d been holding back finally falling from my eyes as I clenched my fists against my thighs. My heart thundered in my ears, pounding wild and heavy as I tried without success to calm myself down.

“
You want to try and make me?” he asked in a bored tone, one eyebrow raised in question.

“
Fine!” I shouted. “If you won’t leave—I will.”

I
’d barely gone two steps before he was standing in front of me, blocking my way. “You’re not going to Gram’s.”

My entire body stilled and I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths through my nose
as I struggled to control my rioting emotions. I was stiff, my muscles so tense they felt locked in place.

“
Come on out, Ladybug,” he taunted with a bitter laugh. “Aren’t you frustrated, baby? I’m ruining your plans. You set up this whole scenario so I’d walk away, you were so sure I’d leave. Come on, you want to hit me?”

I opened my eyes to find him watching me with a fierce look. I took a step back, not realizing how close we
’d become when he swung his hand out and hit himself hard in the chest.

“
Come on, Farrah, fight!” He hit his chest again. “If you want me to leave, then you’re gonna have to make me believe it, baby.” He hit it again.

H
e raised his arm yet again and I’d had enough. “Stop it!” I screamed, flying at him when the latest blow came way too close to the bullet scar on his chest. He braced his feet as I moved, and when I reached him he used his hands to grip my hips, hoisting me up until my arms and legs were wrapped around him.

My fingernails dug deep in
to his back as I held him to me, pulling and grabbing as if I couldn’t get close enough. God, what was I doing? I was so confused I was shaking, the adrenaline from our fight making my body tremble as he started walking toward my room.

“
I hate you,” I whimpered into his neck.

When we reached the bed, he peeled me from his body, dropping me.
“No, you don’t. You love me, and it doesn’t matter how much you push, Ladybug. I’m not going anywhere,” he growled, unbuttoning his jeans and shoving them and his boxers to the floor. “You try that shit with me again, you’ll get the same result.”

My breath caught as he stripped my pants and underwear down my legs. His hands were gentle
but his words were not, and I was having a hard time keeping up with what was happening. I’d been so sure that I’d be able to shut it down, so sure that I could chase him away with a few precisely chosen words, that I no longer knew what to do with myself. He was lovingly stripping me bare as if I hadn’t just tried to break up with him. My head was spinning.

He crawled onto the bed, our bottom halves fitting like the pieces of a puzzle as he braced himself above me, meeting my eyes with a tenderness I hadn
’t seen before.

“
You took her side,” I whispered, hating myself for sounding like a whiny little girl, but unable to let it go.

“
Won’t happen again,” he promised. “My loyalty is to you, even when you’re being a bitch. It’s always you, Ladybug. Forgive me?”

“
I wasn’t being a bitch,” I replied sullenly.

“
She was trying to protect me, baby. Her heart was in the right place,” he told me gently, but my body still stiffened beneath his. “Let me finish. Her heart was in the right place, but it won’t happen again. She knows not to do that shit again.”

“
Yeah, because I’d fucking lay her ginger ass out,” I huffed, refusing to meet his eyes as he barked out a laugh.

“
I have no doubt you would,” he said. “But you won’t need to—I made that shit clear after you’d left. You gotta understand, Farrah. She feels responsible for me after everything that happened. Not saying that’s right or wrong, it just is. And I haven’t talked about you, so me moving you up here was a surprise.”

“
You didn’t move me up here. I moved up to be with Callie. Plus, it’s not like you had anything to say about me anyway,” I grumbled.

“
I had plenty to say, just didn’t say it. Shit was too weird with us then, the back and forth, barely seeing you. I didn’t want them asking about us when I wasn’t sure if you’d even let me in here.”

“
I was so mad at you today,” I confessed.

“
I knew that when you turned into a zombie,” he replied, brushing my hair gently from my face. “I didn’t know what was going on and you were spouting off nasty shit, so I just reacted. It won’t happen again, Ladybug. You come first, always.”

“
Please don’t leave me alone with them again,” I asked in a shaky voice.

His nostrils flared, his eyes filled with remorse.
“I won’t, baby, I promise.”

He climbed off me and reached for my hand as he sat up against the headboard
. He leaned over and grabbed a condom from the nightstand, somehow opening it with his teeth and rolling it down his length with one hand. We held hands as I scooted over to rest my ass on his thighs, and eventually his other hand rose to cup the side of my face.

“
Things aren’t always going to be easy, Ladybug,” he told me quietly, our eyes meeting in the dark room. “I’m going to screw up and you’re going to piss me off. Stop trying to walk away. Stop trying to push me out. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I don’t want to be anywhere but right here.” He let go of me to maneuver my body, and soon he slid inside me until we were fully connected. Then he stopped.

His fingers
slid into my hair to hold me in place as I wrapped my hands around the sides of his neck. “I need you to fight for yourself, baby,” he whispered against my lips. “I need you to fight for us.”

“
I’ll try,” I replied. Then I began to move.

I pulled myself up and dropped back down
, over and over until my thighs burned. His hands were everywhere—sliding down my back to grip my ass, wrapping around my waist, cupping my breasts, gripping my hair. They didn’t stay in one place for long; just when I’d start leaning into what he was doing, he’d stop and start somewhere else.

W
hen we were both sweaty, our breathing fast and heavy, he reached up and grabbed my hand, pulling it between us.

“
Get yourself off.” He was panting, his eyes wild. “I want to watch.”

I was too far gone to feel any sort of self-consciousness
, and immediately started rubbing my clit in small circles, my orgasm rushing in within minutes. I couldn’t stop the moans that poured from my throat, and barely heard his words as he talked dirty in my ear.