Crazy Little Thing (36 page)

Jasper laughed.

Fontaine whimpered again.

“All right, you’ve had your introduction. Now will you leave?” I snapped.

“Baby, I drove all the way from Glenville. And I’m not leaving without your signature.

“Richard, is that you?”

Un. Be. Lievable. My mother marched onto the deck, her dark hair perfectly sleek despite wind and humidity. Penny and Jeff were right behind her.

I gripped the back of Kyle’s shirt so tightly I thought it might shred. He squeezed my shoulder.

“Helene,” Dody called out, pushing Richard aside to welcome my mother.

Helene embraced her stiffly.

“Don’t you look lovely,” Dody said.

“White wasn’t my choice, but the invitation was very specific,” Mother responded. “Happy birthday, by the way.”

Everyone milled around, greeting my mother, sister, and brother-in-law. I stayed glued to the deck rail and would not let go of Kyle’s shirt.

Penny caught my eye and mouthed the word, “Cute!” She had no idea this Des was an imposter.

I started to shake my head, but it was already spinning so fast I didn’t dare.

When Mother’s gaze came my way, she lifted a cosmetically arched brow.

“Hello, Sadie. Who’s this?”

She gave Kyle the barest flicker of a glance before directing her laser-beam stare back at me.

Richard snorted. “So you haven’t met Sadie’s new boyfriend yet either, Helene? This is Dezzz.”

God, I really hated Richard.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs....uh...” Kyle faltered.

“Harper.”

“Mrs. Harper. I’m...” he stuttered slightly. “I’m D...Des.”

“Penny’s pregnant,” Fontaine blurted out.

Exclamations of congratulations erupted, and suddenly everyone was milling around again, hugging my sister and her husband. Penny managed to embrace each one of them while casting livid daggers my way. So much for keeping that little secret.

In the chaos, Fontaine jumped to my side, grabbing my wrist and Kyle’s and dragging us inside.

“What the hell are you doing?” I hissed. “Penny didn’t want anyone to know yet.”

“What the hell am I doing? What the hell are you doing? Why did you say Kyle was Des? That’s idiotic.”

“I don’t know! Richard shocked me, I guess, showing up here with that Pussycat Doll. It slipped out.”

“What are we supposed to do now?” Fontaine demanded.

“Guys, guys, relax. It’s not a big deal. I can be Des for a little while,” Kyle whispered.

“You can?” I asked.

“You can’t!” Fontaine answered.

“Sure I can. It’ll be fun. I haven’t pretended to be straight in ages. Here, watch my straight-guy walk.” Kyle lurched awkwardly across the living room.

“You look like John Wayne with hemorrhoids,” Fontaine sputtered. “This is not going to work.”

Kyle laughed. “Come on, I’m kidding. I’ll be fine. It’s only until Richard leaves.”

“But he could be here all night. I’m not signing those papers until my lawyer reads them. Plus you’d have to be Des until my mother leaves too. I am not explaining this charade to her.”

“Oh.” He thought about that for a second. “OK. Whatever. I can still do it. You guys are always saying what an asshole this Richard is, so let’s mess with him a little. Besides, how would we undo it now anyway?”

He was right. Without confessing to both Richard and my mother, there was no other solution.

Fontaine looked at Kyle with new admiration. “I had no idea you were so sneaky. It’s very sexy.”

Kyle preened. “Why, thank you.”

“Wait, what about my kids?” I exclaimed.

Fontaine bit his thumbnail. “Oh, yeah.”

“What the hell, bigmouth!” my sister shouted, coming inside from the deck. Her cheeks were flushed pink.

I held my hands up in self-defense. “I’m so sorry, Penn. Really, but let me fill you in.”

Our little Axis of Evil huddled in the kitchen, whispering details to Penny. She forgave me instantly, if for no other reason than she couldn’t wait to see what happened next. She offered to run interference with my kids. I hated dragging my innocent children into my tawdry business, but it would provide interesting fodder for their future therapists.

And so
Operation Desmond Storm
was launched.

“Sadie, just sign the fucking papers so I can get out of here,” Richard snapped as soon as I went back outside.

“I just called my lawyer, Richard. She got a copy this afternoon and she’s reading it now. As soon as she calls and says it’s OK, you’ll have your stupid papers. Until then, stay out of my way and don’t be rude to my family. Now, I have party guests to attend to and you’re not one of them.”

“Can I at least get a drink and see my kids?”

I gave him the finger and went on down the deck steps to the beach.

The party was picking up steam as more friends and relatives arrived. Fontaine scuttled like a sand crab, greeting everyone and ushering them over to Dody, who sat in a tulle-draped chair. She looked like she was floating in meringue. My mother sat next to her, her posture as impeccable as her manicure. Two sisters could not be more dissimilar.

Paige and Jordan said a brief, and well-monitored, hello to their father before Penny tugged them away. Now my kids were running around on the beach with a dozen of their cousins. That would keep them occupied for a bit, at least long enough to get Richard out of here before they gave away my diabolical secret.

Kyle played the role of solicitous boyfriend to the hilt, keeping his arm around me and patting my butt so often I finally told him to stop.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “Isn’t that what straight guys do?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean straight women like it.”

He shrugged and took a sip from his glass.

As the sun sank low on the horizon and copious amounts of alcohol diluted old family grudges and made strangers into friends, the party grew boisterous. The age range on the makeshift dance floor expanded to include the very young to the very young at heart. Harry had arrived, and I watched as Dody tried teaching him to tango with a carnation in her teeth.

Off to the side of the crowd, Jasper, Fontaine, Kyle, and I stood congratulating one another on a party well planned.

“I think we’re a success,” Jasper said, raising his glass.

“I agree. Dody looks so happy,” I added.

We clinked glasses.

“And thanks to the new Des, we’ve even managed to pull off quite a little caper,” Fontaine added, smiling at Kyle.

“Pulled off a cape, huh? Are you wearing a cape these days, Timmy?” Richard said, coming up behind us. He was like death, so silent and feared.

“Where’s Bambi?” Fontaine responded.

Richard snickered, gulping from his drink. “Barbie. She’s in the house watching TV. Sadie, hasn’t that fucking lawyer of yours called back yet?”

“Not yet, Richard. Why can’t you just leave? You’re getting what you want. Do you have to ruin this party for me?” If I sounded petulant, it’s because Richard reduced me to it.

“Believe me, nobody wants to blow this Hicksville party more than me, but I didn’t drive all the way from Glenville to leave without the keys to my house.” He took another drink, sucking an ice cube into his mouth. He nodded at Kyle. “You’re a doctor, huh?”

Kyle glanced around before realizing Richard was talking to him. “Oh, um, yeah.”

“Podiatrist or chiropractor or something?”

“Emergency medicine?” Kyle looked at me furtively, like
“That’s right, isn’t it?”

I started to perspire. I didn’t want Richard chatting up my fake boyfriend. If he caught on to our ploy, I’d never hear the end of it.

“Richard, shouldn’t you be sitting inside with Bambi?” I asked.

“Barbie. And I’m trying to be sociable with your new friend here. Remember, I care who my kids are around.”

I could not miss the thinly veiled threat. If I didn’t sign those papers soon, he’d start mouthing off about being offended by Fontaine. Oh, the irony.

Richard turned back to Kyle. “You’re from Scotland, right? Why no weird accent?”

Oh. We’d forgotten that little detail! Kyle had a distinctly Midwestern monotone.

“I’ve lived in the States most of my life. But speaking of weird accents, you’ve got quite the hillbilly twang there yourself, Dick,” Kyle said.

I smiled with relief.
Nice response, fake Des
. Kyle was the best phony boyfriend I’d ever had.

Sensing an inevitable loss in this verbal duel, Richard turned to Jasper. “You still flipping burgers?”

“Yep.”

This was getting tedious. I needed Jeanette to call so Richard would go away! I surveyed the crowd. Wasn’t there some dislikable and unsuspecting relative I could foist him off on? Looking toward the beach, I noticed a lone figure walking our way. He was tall and broad and distinct. My heart stopped. It didn’t just skip a beat. It came to a full-on, tires-screeching, pull-your-children-out-of-the-way dead stop.

It was Des.

He was back in Bell Harbor.

No, better than that, he was here! He was coming to Dody’s party! He looked tan and magnificent, with his white shirt untucked and billowing in the breeze. He was even more devastatingly handsome than I remembered. How was that possible? The urge to run over and cover him with kisses overwhelmed me.

“Des,” I breathed his name involuntarily. He was too far away to hear it, but Kyle was right next to me.

“What?” Kyle asked.

I looked up at him, startled.

Wait.

What?

Oh, shit. Shit
.

Kyle!

And Richard!

And Des! The real Des
.

What was I going to do now?

“Des,” I said again, my voice strangled. I tipped my head ever so slightly so Richard wouldn’t notice.

Kyle and Fontaine caught my cue. Following my gaze, Fontaine stifled a gasp and Kyle’s eyes darted from Des to Richard to me and back to Richard again.

Jasper noticed our silent panic too, and turned to look. He made a noise with his tongue like the sound Fatso makes with peanut butter in his mouth. He abruptly turned to Richard, blocking his view of the beach. “So who do you like in the Mayweather fight?”

Thank you, Jasper! Thank you! Talking about his most revered boxer would keep Richard occupied. But only for so long.

What was I going to do? Des was twenty feet away and approaching fast. There was no way out. I was doomed, destined to be exposed. I suddenly understood how a wolf could chew off its own paw to be freed from a trap.

Well, no. I didn’t really, because that was completely bizarre. But at least now I understood the wolf’s perspective. I wanted to be free of this trap. A trap created by me, out of pride and stubbornness. And, quite possibly, stupidity.

What
should
I do?

What could I do?

I was going to have to tell the truth, fast, before Des could hear.

“Richard, I have to tell—”

But my words were drowned out by Fontaine’s screech. “Darling!” he sang, flinging wide his arms and running toward Des. “What took you so long? I thought you’d never get here.”

Des halted in his tracks, eyes widening at the sight of Fontaine bearing down on him like an attacking swan.

It was like watching a car crash in slow motion, as Fontaine leaped into the air and collided with full frontal contact against Des. Then he wrapped his arms around Des’s shoulders and kissed him hard, right on the lips.

Des took a giant step back, as much from the force of Fontaine’s momentum as from his own shock. If the moment hadn’t been so brutally painful to me on so very many levels, it would have been the funniest thing I ever saw.

“What the fuck, Fontaine?” Des exclaimed.

My heart gave one last, convulsive thump and I reconsidered chewing off my own paw.

“You’re naughty to keep me waiting here without a date, baby boy,” Fontaine giggled, pulling a bemused Des toward the cluster of onlookers. “But lucky for you I’ve had people to talk to. See? Sadie is here with her new boyfriend.”

“Her new boy—”

“His name is Des,” Fontaine said emphatically.

“What?”

“Look.” Fontaine grabbed Des by the jaw and manually turned his face toward us.

Des saw Kyle’s arm clutching me possessively.

Des pointed. “That’s Ky—”

“Kind. Yes, it’s so kind of him to be here, but of course it’s Dody’s birthday and we all want her to be happy. Now, you know Jasper and Beth, of course. Oh, and that’s Richard. He was Sadie’s husband until she realized he’s an asshole. He wasn’t invited to this party. He just showed up.”

Fontaine could not have been more obvious in his explanation, his delivery so flamboyantly outlandish, I couldn’t believe none of us started laughing. We were all too dazed. Meanwhile Richard remained oblivious to the drama unfolding totally for his benefit. He was too intent on sucking a poppy seed from his teeth to pay attention. Since he considered Fontaine beneath his notice, he certainly wasn’t going to feign interest in meeting one of his paramours.

Des’s gaze skittered around the group, finally locking with mine.

Oh, what a feeling, to be gazing into those beautiful green eyes again.